Question for Parents with a Highschooler and an Elementary Student

My 17 year old and my 11 year old have generally always gotten along pretty well, but there are times...and sometimes they act as you describe.

I have made it very clear to my older daughter that, while I really do appreciate that she is just trying to help, it upsets her sister when she feels bossed around. I let her know that I am the mama and no one else is.

It does help that the older one is herself a younger sister, the middle child. Though her oldest sister is living on her own now, I can help her understand sometimes by reminding her what it felt like to be the little sister and be told what to do--even if it was the right thing.

On the other hand, I do support my 17 year old, and always have, in giving help and suggestions to her little sister when they are appropriate and wanted. Many times they are.

I have 2 boys - 10 and 8. My 10 year old tries to tell the 8 yr old what to do! I think that's just part of being an older sibling. I am constantly reminding my oldest that he is not the parent and that when he is, he can tell HIS children how to act, what to do, etc.
Unfortunately, I think it's a battle that most of us with more than 1 child will face daily. ( I also remember that I was 2 yrs older than my brother and I tried to boss him around....)

Well, if the 14 year old told the 5 year old to pick the towel up, that should be a good thing, and the 5 year old should have done it. Maybe they need to learn to respect each other and to learn to give and take advice in a nice and positive way, instead of fighting over everything. Talk to the 14 year old about how to give constructive criticism and lead by example, that she isn't just a 'boss', and talk to the 5 year old about trusting that her big sister is just watching out for her and is giving great advice.

Fighting matches should warrant a timeout and apology for both of them, until they can learn to communicate effectively and lovingly. Maybe involve them in trust and building skills games, where they both take turns being the leader. Teach them to appreciate each other and to value each other's opinions.

I have 3 11 yr olds that fight like crazy (one that wants to boss everyone else) and then a 2 1/2 yr old with the same issue you do. You can create middle ground--though might not really stop the fighting completely. Your 14 yr old can help teach your 5 yr old the right things to do. If your 14 yr old tells your 5 yr old to pick up the towel because it makes a mess for everyone else or something like that but NICELY, not bossy, the 5 yr old should not fight about it. That is where you would step in. Let the 14 yr old boss, without being bossy. She should be able to tell the little one, please pick up your towel. When my bossy child does get bossy, I remind her that there is a good way to get things and her way was not going to work. Decide what you will allow and then talk to the 14 yr old first. Then have a team meeting so everyone knows what is acceptable. I am still working on it.

Lisa,
I have a 16 year old son and a 6 year old daughter and yes this goes on in our house on a daily basis. I think it is very common between siblings especially those with a big age gap. My son thinks that he is helping me when he "bosses" his sister around. I try to tell him that when I am home that I am the parent and unless I have specifically asked him to do something specific with/for her that I expect him to just be her brother. I try very hard to not leave her with him often because I feel that the more they are left together alone the worse the situation becomes with him trying to play "parent".

OK, my response is a little bit different perspective, I was the oldest of three kids, I was left in charge when Mom and Dad left us at home. Especially, when my Mom went back to work, I was responsible for the other two. It is extremely difficult to balance being "in charge" sometimes, not-other times. There isn't exactly an on/off switch for that mindset. I think as parents alot of times, we want things both ways; we want them to be responsible for the sibling, keep them safe, get them to do their chores, while we are absent, but then turn off the switch, and let us be the full time parent when we walk thru the door and take over again. Put yourself in that situation in your job for instance. If you are given certain areas of responsibility and then someone returns and takes that area of responsibility back from you, do you instantly quit thinking about the status of that project? Doubtful. Yet thats what we are asking of the older child, who is still a child and likely has not mastered communication and conflict skills, that alot of adults haven't even mastered. Just a thought.........................

.

It's obvious that the 14 year old is frustrated having such a young sister. She can't talk to her like a friend and they have little in common. She needs to learn how to show her respect and she will get it in return. Talk to your daughter and tell her how frustrating it must be for her. Ask her what is most frustrating and try to come up with ways just between the two of you that you can "trick" the younger sister into doing what she wants. Teach your daughter how to get positive behavior from using positive words and compliments. Once your 14 year old sees it as a game that she has some control over, she will be more willing to try. Then ask your 14 year old what she likes about her sister and encourage her to build up her younger sister. Remind your older daughter that you need her help so that the younger sister will have a good self-esteem. Tell her you want home to be a safe place. There is enough teasing and stress out in the world.

Then do the same with your younger daughter and see what is frustrating for her to have such an older sister. Ask her what she likes about her older sister. Have her come up with ways that she can show her older sister that she loves her and wants her to like her. Most younger sisters just want to be liked and are dying for attention. If they can't get positive attention, she will try to get any attention.

We really have to teach peace in the home since all the shows on TV show family members disrespecting each other and showing that it is funny. My kids didn't watch sitcoms because of it, though we did like watching old reruns when families weren't perfect but much more respectful of each other. We even had to tape shows so we could watch them in prime time.

As I say to my 15 year old who is in charge of everyone
" Whose mother are you?"
"Excuse me?? I'm te mommy, I get to make that decision and YES she can eat cake for breakfast"
"Did you birth her?? Cuz I don't remember you being in pain for 8 hours bringing her into this world."
"Go to your room."

The 14 year old will leave then will become your 5 year old's idol. Until then I feel your pain.

I really don't have this exact problem because my highschooler is a boy and my 2nd grader is a girl... Usually she is bossing HIM around (LOL). But there have been times when I have had to step in when my son gets bossy with my daughter. Then I tell him he isn't the parent and it isn't up to him to discipline or scold his sister.... my job (and his fathers). The only time he is "in charge" is when we leave him that way when we have him babysit. Of course you don't want to go too overboard because you DO want your older one to stop the little one if she is doing something dangerous. I'm afraid no matter what the fighting will go on... if not over this than over something else... that is just what siblings DO (at least most of them that I have seen:-). As long as they truely love each other and know that you love the both of them... eventually things will get better

Hahahahah! I know what you mean!

My oldest is 18, youngest 11. What I say is "I am doing just fine without you, and you are not an assitant parent" I am not saying that it works at all, but it makes me feel better.

The funny part is, my almost 14 year old is the one who does this the most. As for them arguing about picking stuff up, I let my middle one tell her to pick stuff up, as my youngest needs to know that her sisters don't like it when she leaves them nastiness in the bathroom; I do, however, get on my older one about arguing with her little sister, and encourage her to act her age and not participate. Not saying that works in preventing it, but it does stop it (and when the older one does the little under the breath scream, and stomps off, it kind of feels good to see her frustrated, because she put it all in motion!) At 14, they kind of like to point out what is wrong with everyone else, cause they are in such flux about what is going on with them.
I so understand.
M.

I think this is typical when you have kids.

I suggest getting the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Elaine Mazlisch and ? I haven't read it yet but I have read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How To Listen So Kids Will Talk written by the same women. It changed the way I approached and talked with children so that I was much more successful gaining information and compliance.

I agree with Momma L. 100%. This is an opportunity to teach your girls how to respect each other. Both of these books have suggestions for ways of doing this.

Respect is high on our family's priority of things to know and practice. When one of the grandchildren is defiant, uncooperative, etc. they go to their room. They know that they can come out whenever they're able to apologize and are willing to do whatever they refused to do. At first, the apology can be stilted and feel coerced but eventually they learn the feeling that goes with it. It's along the line of "fake it until you make it."

This is not quite like a time out. They are allowed to play, with the idea that this is a way of coping with intense feelings. And they choose when they can join the rest of the family based on meeting the expectation of courtesy and respect.

Both of these books make suggestions on how to model and teach respect. They have wonderful guidelines for conversation and getting to know how to respond to children.

This is a constant happening in our house! I hate it! What I do is talk with my oldest all the time about how we talk to each other. While I do appreciate him helping in teaching his brother and sister good habits, he needs to focus on how he addresses them. The argument begins when he starts to parent. So when he wants his brother to pickup his towel, he needs to present it as a positive, "we need to put our towels on the hook so we can help mom take care of our house" or "We keep our toys in better shape for playing if we pick them up."

Does my son really talk like this? Not always but he tries. My biggest discussion with him is he needs to treat his siblings better than he does his friends. Believe me, that is easier said than done. I let him know that our family is there for life and friends come and go. One last thing I remind him that being the oldest is a HUGE responsibility and how he treats his siblings will come back to him 10-fold.

I also try to talk to the younger ones and remind them that the oldest is indeed in charge and they need to respect him when I am not around.

I will not lie, I still get the fighting and arguing but not near as much.

Good luck to you.

i personally would ground the 14 year old for a couple of weeks. i would explain to her that you are the parent and it is not up to her to tell the five yr old what to do. the towel thing sounds more like she wants to controll the other girl than actually being a problem. i also would think twice about leaving the five yr with the 14 yr old its sending mixed messages and she clearly cant handle the responsibility and lets it go to her head. good luck.

My kids are 16,13 and 8, and they fight a lot, particularly the 13 who is our only girl. I repeat over and over, it isn't so much what they say but HOW they say it. I give them examples and say use a nice tone, it works so much better.

I think it is acceptable for your 5 yr old to take guidance from your teen on regular things like "don't jump on the sofa" or "don't forget mom said to pick up your toys" but if you are there then your teen should not "be in charge". Your teen needs to understand that although she is the big sister, it is not her job to try to parent your younger child and is only in charge when you specify that she is. Your younger daughter needs to understand that her big sister is a teen and can give her guidance without a lot of flack. They both need to understand that they are sisters and the arguing has to stop NOW. If one says something that they don't like, they need to work it out calmly or come to you.

I have an 18 year old and a 3 year old so I have been there. The age gap here facilities less regular conflict and my daughter worships her big brother. Typically, the most they argue over is for her to leave him alone when she wants to be by his side...except when she acts up (he has no patience for that).

I have a 17 year old girl and a 11 year old boy and yes it happens all the time! I try to tell my daughter she is not his mother. She just rolls her eyes and says I never got away with that! Aww if she only knew! Then he comes in tattling to me. I try to teach her to talk nicely!! That if you say is softer and nicer that he will be more willing to do what she ask. I always ask her " Do you like when I yell at you" no you don't so don't yell at him! At other times they play games and get along fine. I think it's a never ending battle!
Good luck:)

Ask your 14 year old if she likes being told what to do all the time by older people? She will almost always answer that she does not like it. Then answer her with the question what do you think that your brother feels when you do the same thing to him.
Having him pay attention to you (meaning the older sister) is important only if I as the parent is not there to help him keep out of danger etc.
Maybe going at it like that will make her understand that he does not like being bossed any more than she does.

Glad to know I am not the only one. I have a 11 year old and 5 year old and the 11 year old is constantly telling my 5 year old what to do and even gets mad at me if I don't put her in time out or punish her for something she feels deserves it. I am constantly telling her that she is not the mom I am. I don't have any words of wisdom just letting you know you aren't alone. They drive me crazy with their yelling and fighting. aaack!

The 14 year old should not be "bossing" the younger one around but having said that if the 14 year old gets in trouble for things that the younger one did then I understand it. do you ever hear yourself saying to the 14 year old.... If you saw that why didn't you stop it? or why didn't you make him put that away..... etc? She is probably tired of doing the pick up and clean up after the little one. And we all do it. My kids are older now but at the time my youngest was 5 my older kids were 11, 12 and 18. They all said they were constantly having to help with him. And they are right they were. As I had started a job.

Hi Lisa K,

What two or three changes do you want for your daughters? If the "stop the bossing" is a big issue, set some clear boundaries with your oldest. One of my kids tends to do this, too. We've had to remind him he does not need to "parent" when my husband or myself is around. It can be done with a bit of a humor - "who is the parent here? :)" This tendency can be lessened over time - be consitent and patient.

You might like your younger daughter to listen better when your oldest does speak to her. When tempers flare, perhaps you can encourage the two to talk about their feelings. If not, perhaps you can get them to try a "re-do" - try saying whatever they want in a nicer way.

When the adults are gone and your oldest is in charge, your 5 year old MUST listen to all reasonable requests for the sake of her safety. If she cannot, maybe both girls need to help hire a sitter until they can work as a team when they need to do so. This is an example of a natural consequence. It is embarassing for the 14 year old and it hurts the pocket books, however small, of both girls.

Encourage the girls to talk all this through with you. Be as positive as you can. Today can be the first day of real change. Let them know you trust that they can step up and improve things.

Good luck,
Parent Coach J. B.