Quick Question for Divorced Parents About Play Dates on the Other Parent's Time

I wouldn't necessarily send the mom a text. If you sent a parent a text, send it to his dad, who can forward to the mom if he wants to. It is hard sometimes to juggle between households, but I think as long as everybody respects everyone's time, it will be fine. Knowing or not knowing where her child is should be between her and her ex, so if it comes up, just say that you were glad the boys could have some time together and stay neutral. We did not always know what friend the sks were visiting while with their mom and we had to trust that she felt it was appropriate. Frankly, being so close will be a benefit to their son who won't need 2 sets of friends.

I would keep it simple: when he's at Dad's, communicate only with Dad. When he's at Mom's, communicate with Mom. It sets clear boundaries and will make your life easier if there's ever a time when the parents are fighting.

Best,
T. Y

maybe send an update to BOTH parents?

separately of course...I think...lol

My divorce was VERY acrimonious...(restraining orders etc). BUT if things had been more amicable...I would have enjoyed getting an update, no matter 'who's' time it was!

Just a thought.

Best!

I understand that you are friendly with the mom, but the father has 50/50 custody and he is just as much a parent as she is. So don't leave the dad out, and don't insult him by communicating with the mom when the dad is the one arranging the play date. As you say, the dad has as much of a right & responsibility. We do a disservice to fathers everywhere when we assume they can't, or won't, take charge of child care. Maybe the mom ran the show when they were married, but maybe he's a hands-on dad -- in fact, in some cases, maybe the mom's controlling things is a factor in the divorce! You never know!

In this case, the parents are working well with each other. But even if they weren't, you have to do the right thing, which is to communicate with the parent who dropped off and is picking up the child. If it were to come up in conversation like you suggested ("Hmm, why didn't I know that my son was at my friend's house?"), the answer is, "Gee, you ex Bob dropped him off and made the arrangements during his time, so I touched base with Bob."

When my husband's kids were with us, we often had their friends over, and it was a little more of a hike because we lived 30 minutes away. We always contacted the visiting child's parents ahead of time (and I introduced myself if I didn't know them), did the invitation, told them we would pick up and drop off, outlined the activities (such as sleepover & breakfast & then playing in the sprinkler) so they'd know what to expect and pack, asked about anything like medication or strong food preferences, gave our address and phone number, etc. My husband was always a very involved father (more so than the mother actually) and so it was very hurtful when time with us was limited. It was so important to him that his kids have normal activities while with us, including their friends. I can't imagine what would have happened or what message would have been communicated if the friends' parents had contacted my husband's ex instead of him!

I completely understand. My neice and nephew lived 50/50 with their parents.

Pretty much the same dynamic. Their mom was sometimes really close to a parent ad so that mom might send a photo or post something to her online while the child was there but not do the same things with the dad.

It is something that you could easily mention to the dad tomorrow. Say, "The kids had a great time, I was not sure if last night you would have liked an update. If you do, I am happy to do that in the future,".

And if you ever allow your child to stay at his house, ask him to send you an update if you want one.

Well, he comes to your house when it's Mom's time, so why would it be any different when it's Dad's time? The only difference is the person dropping him off/picking him up. I could see a problem if Dad was dropping him off at some random stranger's house, but it has already been established that play dates with you are safe... So it's not like it has to be "cleared" through either parent (IF that's how they work things... I know parents who share a lot of info, and parents who are completely hands-off as to what the kids do on the other parent's time.)

I would go ahead and send the updates. I'm sure she misses him when he's gone, so it would be nice to get little snippets of info like that. :)

Though, to be safe, why not ask the Dad? When he drops off, mention that you usually talk to Mom about Kiddo when he's at your house, and ask if he minds. If he would prefer you not to, then respect his wishes.

I am in the middle of a divorce myself, and I have to say that despite our differences, my husband and I will always tell each other where the kids are. So if our daughter is at a sleepover during my weekend, I will let my husband know exactly where she is at all times. The opportunity has not come up yet, but I would imagine that if my daughter goes to a sleepover during my husband's time, he will let me know where she is.

I would assume that the mom knows that her son is at your house. And since you are friends, it is perfectly okay for you to send her texts or pictures during the sleepover. I think she would really like that. I know I would.

I think it depends on how well the divorced parents seem to be getting along. Since you're her friend, you would probably know if he was communicating well with her or not. If the communication seems clear and good (as can be), send the update. If not, send an update to Dad and let him know you're sending your friend the pic too, in a way that doesn't seem like you're stirring any pot: "The boys are doing great! <insert pic> <insert pic> I'm going to forward this one to Cathy too, she'd love it!"

Personally I wouldn't. What if it starts an argument? He's not doing anything different than she does and do you know if she always tells him when there's a sleepover? I'd wait this time and then ask him if she knows so you don't say the wrong thing. See what he says etc. Then next time you'll know what to do.

Here's my take on this. I would NOT be sending anything to the mom about the sleepover. Just because you do it for her when SHE sends the boy over doesn't mean you do it when HE sends the boy over. If you want to send the dad a pic of the kids having fun when HE sends the boy over to you, that's fine.

You need to keep this separate. If you don't, you chance upsetting the apple cart and the father may never send his son to your place while he has him.

When my daughter went to her dad's for the weekend, it was entirely up to the two of them what they would do. Sometimes he took her to sleepovers. That was fine with me.

I ditto Tracy Y below.
And even if you had a certain routine with the Mom and texted her and sent her pictures when her son was at your house, that does NOT mean you have to do the same thing, with Dad.
I mean that is your routine. That you do for the Mom. But you don't have to do that with the Dad. I sure wouldn't.

And just make sure, you don't become the "spy" for the Mom if/when her son is at your house, during his Dad's time.
Or that you get roped into doing that same texting/sending pictures to her, whenever her son is at your house during the Dad's time.
Know what I mean?
Don't get stuck in the middle. Of those 2.

This can all get real messy.
Depending on if those 2 are amicable or not with each other. After the divorce.

I think if she is your friend then you would have asked her first. If she's just an acquaintance then it doesn't matter.

If she would be mad that dad isn't spending time with kiddo on his weekend then go ahead and let her know but wait until after the weekend is over. That way if she is mad she won't ruin the weekend for kiddo by coming and getting him or something.

I understand your child's desire to see his friend but this little kid only gets time with his dad during his scheduled visitation. Limited time. So I'd simply tell my own child that when kiddo is visiting with the dad that he can't come over. Then schedule something on the other 30 or so weekends out of the year.