Raising Anne of Green Gables in a Ke$ha World…

I felt the same way when my friends started to pull in that direction. I tried on many hats while growing up and your daughter will too. When high school rolled around I fell back into myself and admitted that I still clap for Tinkerbell. I found a group of kindred spirits in the theater, and though I did not like getting up on stage myself, I was always there to help out for every production and enjoyed making the magic of the stage come to life. I loved building the world where the players would tell their stories.

The best advice I could give you to pass along to her is to remind her that with each new day she has the opportunity to reinvent herself and on days where she feels downtrodden in a world that doesn't seem built for her, let her know that there is a place for her and she'll most definitely find it. She doesn't need a whole stable of friends to worship and adore her, she only needs to find one or two who share her interests and she'll be as happy as if she had twenty. If she finds herself upset because a group of girls don't like her, remind her of all the people who do like her.

She is going to get hurt. The world is a crashing sea for the lone boat trying to sail against the current, but as long as she stays true to herself she'll be just fine. And even if she doesn't make a single friend at her new school, as long as she has an active imagination and a good library of books, she'll never be friendless. I've spent many lovely hours lost in my own head and don't feel any worse for the journey.

I grew up, found the love of my life, got married and had a beautiful little girl who is turning out to be nothing like me... but that too is an adventure.

My daughter is like yours.
You just need to encourage her to be her.
The kids that are worth being friends with will accept her for who she is.
She will hold her own if she's confidant in who she is and happy with who she is.

My daughter's only seven and just beginning to run into friends who say she's "not cool" for something. She seems to handle it okay--more puzzled than anything.

But I've read a lot about development in this age group. A couple of things really keep girls going through the pre-teen bumps. They always list eating as a family, because that's a sign that the family is strong, the parents share their values and example, and are there for the kids. Also, an activity that gives a girl a true sense of achievement--something they can practice and do well at. This gives them a better way to measure themselves than by their peers' opinions of their clothes.

And what you say in response to their troubles becomes their internal response. (Think how much you hear your parents' sayings when you think.) Things like, "That may be the way she does it, but you do things your way." Or "Well, that's her opinion. She could have been nicer about saying it, but it's just one person's opinion." One that my mom told me that is still a help with making friends is that everyone else is nervous too! They'll be glad if you say hi.

I always tell myself that it's not bad if she has some lessons to learn now--at least now I'm here to help her! If she never dealt with this until college, who knows? Your daughter will probably do great and, if she doesn't, I'm sure you'll be the support she needs!

Step 1 - stop worrying. In life your daughter will need to learn that not every one will be your friend and that every one will not like you and that's fine. It really is because what matters is if you like yourself.

Step 2 - Let her pick out of few things but don't commit to purchasing her entire wardrobe for school until after school has started for at least two weeks. This will give her a chance to make modifications to what she may want to add to her wardrobe to make her style a little more current. (not necessarily sexy or inappropriate).

Step 3 - Pour confidence into her by encouraging her in who she is. She will get many of her cues for life and living from you. Quiet as it is kept we are all individuals.

As in introvert, at 9 I was often to myself and it was fine for me. My books and movies kept me entertained. I wouldn't go outside to play with the other kids but prefer to stay to myself. I had many friends but I wasn't connected to the hips with them for the most part. She only may need perhaps one close friendship to cultivate. You would be best served teaching her to be wise as a serpent yet harmless as a dove. This way she can be who she is and not get wounded by the people around her.

She will be fine because she has you to teach her how to do that. Even if she does get "hurt" she will learn from that too and she will be fine. My maternal grandmother always taught me to not blossom too soon. Meaning take my time growing up. I now fully understand what she was talking about. Some of the girls I grew up with now look much older than me. They were in such a rush to look older and be older and now they really are. Your daughter will probably learn the same kind of lessons I learned but it is important for you to be supportive and informative.

Yes, I believe she can retain her unique identity and still fit in somehow.

Teach her to see past the exterior stuff. Beyond the pop and posters, the boyfriends and clothes, we are all essentially the same. A friend is somebody who loves you, and who you love back.

When I went into middle school, I forgot this. I was terribly insecure. I thought I had to give up my books, my games, and my love of oak trees and adventure. I thought I needed to fit in, and that fitting in just looks one way.

It's a shame, really.

A person can maintain their authentic self, and be in harmony with others. We don't need to get along with everyone, but we can respect and value most everyone most of the time. And we can find our people, the people who reflect our value back to ourselves, and vice versa.

She certainly doesn't have to give up what is important to her, to find friends. If the way she connects to the world is through her imagination, through stories of strong and unconventional women, and nature...FANTASTIC! She sure does sound great.

I strongly recommend, "The Enchanted Forest Chronicles", and "The Paperbag Princess." For movies, "Spirited Away", and "Howl's Moving Castle", and "Ponyo".

Encourage conversation about what made these girls so empowered. It is, in part, because they are remarkably firm in who they are and they aren't willing to throw themselves or other's under the chopping block for status. They ALL find friends along the path. They also stick to what they believe, and to their authentic self. If she is kind, and open, and people don't like her...well, that's really on them, not your daughter. That's just the way it is.

Hoping the best for your family. Big hugs.

time to shop! Let her pick out some really cool clothes....while still appropriate.....& that will help her look forward to attending a new school! Let her play with the accessories & pick out some fun shoes. All of this will help both of you feel more secure in your choices.

As for the whole emotional angst end of it, place your trust & faith in each other, in your teachings & beliefs......& let her soar! With that new school, be on the lookout for activities which would help her meet new friends in a more intimate setting.....sports teams & Scouts come to mind. Peace!

Relax.
She will go to school. She will find a friend. She has a good head on her shoulders -- let her use it. She is smart. She will hang with smart kids - I'm sure she'll find another kid who likes to read to hang with. We moved when my daughter was your daughter's age. My girly went to school, found some nice friends, and is not swayed by cliques one iota. My kids are public school kids -- not all public school kids are Ke$ha type kids, you know.
My daughter wore Hanna Andersson stripey dresses and leggings until 6th grade -- her choice. Then she went to their skirts and blazers. She was always put together. She has since moved on to jeans and nice tops with sweaters and jackets. Again, she always looks put together. My daughter goes to school with kids who wear very low cut tops, but she isn't into those. She is always dressed appropriately.
The advice I gave my daughter way back when: Be yourself. You don't have to like everyone and everyone doesn't have to like you. You do need to be respectful of everyone and be nice. Look around the room. Find someone you think might be like you and go up to them and say hello. If someone comes up to you and welcomes you, be gracious.
YMMV
LBC

Before I had kids there was a good friend I worked with, who had one daughter. He would bring her home used office folders and old paper clips so she could play office. I remember thinking at the time she was a little old for that kind of thing at 12. She turned into a lovely, well adjusted adult.
Today I have my own twelve and a half year old who just this week wrote her final letter to the tooth fairy and spent her summer making fairy houses in the garden and having lemonade stands. She is the third of four kids who range in age from 11-15. All four of them are very different and have been encouraged to be who they are, without regards to what is cool, trendy or popular. It has been suggested that I was naive and kept them sheltered. We never had cable and they weren't allowed to watch a PG-13 movie,until they actually turned 13.
You are your child's biggest influence at this point and can make however she is ok. It was hard for me, sometimes, to not want my daughter to be more like everyone else,because it would be easier. She has made a few wonderful friends and is responsible and capable of a lot more than most kids her age. She is not immature, just very different than most kids her age and I love that. I am thankful for the example of a dad that encouraged his daughter in her interest and not what everyone else her age was doing.

that's really one of the good things about public schools. you get all sorts of kids, from all different types of backgrounds going. my daugther doesn't know a whole lot about being a diva or anything like that. and honestly, she loves the bubble guppies :). she's 7. and even at 6 here where we live, the girls act like they are about 10! my daughter honestly doesn't talk in school. her teachers have told me that she will answer questions, but other than that she doesn't talk. but, funny enough, everyone really likes her. she wears average clothes. just jean shorts and t-shirts for the most part. sometimes dresses or skirts. nothing fancy or foo foo (although those are super cute!) let her be herself. she will make friends. i always seemed to gravitate towards the kids who seemed different or needed help fitting in when i was young. and we were always the best of friends. when i was in 5th grade, there was a new girl and everyone picked on her. her clothes definitely weren't "in", and she said some weird things. i became best friends with her and stayed best friends with her until we graduated and she moved away. sure there are some divas out there, but that doesn't mean they aren't great kids :)

I love your question's title. :) I don't have little girls, but I would stress taking advantage of every opportunity to build her confidence in herself and letting her find her own identity. Listen to her if she expresses a concern, and when she is finished, instead of blurting out "those kids are jerks!" ask her what she thinks about it. Then tell her what you would want her to know about the situation. Stay calm so she can feel safe talking to you. You've received some great answers though (love Rosanne's answer!!!)

In general I think there are still a lot of girls like your daughter that are 9.
Our daughter was and still is not a "cool" kid.. She has always been creative, loved dress up, barbies, Adored books..
There were and are others just like her.

Many times I found the more diva the child, usually was a child with older siblings.. they are just exposed to more.

I am sure your daughter will find others like herself.. See if she can join the girl scouts, the choir or theater group at school.. Become involved at the school so you can also meet other parents and get a feel for that community.. You need to feel good about the school too. Being there will give you some comfort.

My daughter is like that...and I would LOVE for her to find someone like your daughter!! I went school shopping for her the other day and saw a shirt (in her size, mind you, and she's not even 8)...that said, "Feeling Sexy". Seriously?! My daughter is also the oldest. I was somewhat like that as a child and the advice someone gave my mom was to strengthen the bonds of friendship within our family...do all kinds of fun things as a family. Whatever you do...I would not feel in a rush to speed her up socially to the level most girls are (which it doesn't sound like you are). I was never really cool or popular, didn't keep up with the bands that were in and out of popularity, the actors, the movies, the magazines, etc. Majority of the time my dear mom really was my best friend and my dear dad was the one I went to all the high school football games with...and sometimes I watched the popular girls and felt a little hurt...but in general I didn't feel deprived. Looking back and knowing what I know now...I wouldn't change it for the world...and the memories and bonds I formed with my parents and my brothers...have been some of the only bonds that have lasted through the toughest things life could throw my way.

Another quick thought before I hit the pillows (trying to type coherently in spite of exhaustion here...hope this is making sense!)...my daughter is really shy...she might not go up to a new girl and introduce herself...there may be another girl that your daughter would really connect with...that is shy like mine? Maybe? :) Last year I volunteered a lot in her class...so when I had a concern similar to yours...I was very comfortable talking to her teacher about it.

I'm curious to see what other responses you get...I think your daughter sounds amazing...have fun with her and love every bit of who she is. Another thing I've learned, is that when you feel loved and accepted at home...it really does give you strength to deal with a lot! I really can't see how feeling loved and accepted by a bunch of girls that don't connect with who she REALLY is...would have the same affect. Perhaps like Anne, she will find that kindred spirits aren't so scarce as it sometimes seems :). Good Luck!

It sounds like you have been doing a wonderful job raising her so far. Keep up the good work!

The first thing that came to mind when I read your post is advice my mother always gives me, which is, you have to let them go and trust that you have given them the right tools to cope. She always tells me too that your children will find their way in any situation, it just may not be the popular one you would prefer for your child. They have to learn to make their way, even at 9.

The biggest and most important thing is that you teach your daughter to have trust, belief and love for herself. She cannot gauge her worth by how she fits in or who she hangs out with. Just listen to her, help her through the hurdles and guide her. She can do the rest. I can tell you too, that my son is 11, and although some of the kids in his school are starting to be diva's and such, he is not falling for it, he just keeps on keepin' on and does his thing. He also is well-liked even though he doesn't go the trendy "tweener" route.

All that being said, I only made it in public school until my oldest was in 3rd grade. It was then that I pulled him, not because of fitting in, it was the content of conversation with the other kids - totally inappropriate - and the teachers had their head in the wrong place. It was not about cultivating our kids futures and creating well-rounded children it was damage-control. I have my kids in a private Christian school now. I cannot afford it to save my life but I can afford to figure it out for the safety, well-being and growth of my children. If I were you, I would try out the school, give them a chance to offer your child the world. Some of these public schools are amazing! If it is not what you are looking for academically, socially, morally, then move her to a better place. Whatever is best for your baby.

Good luck!

When I was young I lost some friends who wanted to grow up faster than I did.
They were into boys and makeup and dating and being sexually active and acting way older than they were years before I was into it.
Although my feelings were a bit hurt at the time (not being invited to some slumber parties), losing those friends was not a bad thing.
Back then (70's) - it was a middle school/high school thing.
Now this sort of thing happens in some elementary schools and honestly - I'm all for insisting that kids be kids while they are kids - at least MY kid anyway.
If the rest of the world wants to jump off a bridge they can go right ahead but I'm not going to follow their example.
She's 9 years old - she'll have some friends.
She'll be herself and find people who like her for it rather than pretending to be someone she's not just for the sake of fitting in.

Your daughter would get along very well with my daughter. They would have a blast together. I homeschool mine.

there's a book titled something like, bringing up geeks. look for it at your local library. Helped me and hubs have some good conversations re our parenting preferences. Our little one is 10 months old. If he decides that he wants to be "cool" poor kid is going to have an uphill battle, because hubs and are are decidedly not.

I was a little girl like that (except shy instead of outgoing).

She will make friends, but I didn't really find any good friends (kindred spirits, LOL--seriously), until I was in high school and switched to a different, mid-sized school.

It was hard-I did a lot of stuff on my own because I just didn't fit in with out kids too much in grade school. But I grew into my own, even over the really rocky patches (my best friend in grade school tried to commit suicide at age 12; she left school and the school wouldn't be honest with the kids about what happened--seriously bad choice on the school's part but it was private school and I guess they didn't know better). Having a loving supportive family that encourage me (especially, having a loving supportive mom who I could talk to if I needed to), made all the difference. Find out what she's passionate about and support her. Maybe you & she can go to some RenFaires together or get involved in SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism (sp?)). Encourage her to join a book club, or create a Harry Potter club at school or whatever. Encourage her passions, whatever they are, and she'll find new friends, maybe outside of school or maybe in schools. I was passionate about horses, and so my mom got me riding lessons (bless her for driving 30 minutes each way and sitting, watching for the 3 hours for each lesson, often in less than perfect weather) and I stuck with that for years and years and allowed me to find my niche.

The first thing you need to do is stop being afraid that your daughter will be unable to transition. You are going to transmit your fear to her one way or the other.

I think, first of all, you should cross that bridge (bullying, rejection) when you come to it, not try to "prepare" your daughter (and induce fear) for something that might not happen.

The best thing you can do is to daily foster self-confidence in her. She should be proud that she is different, not ashamed.

Cookie-cutter is boring. Conformity is ho-hum. Being unique is preferable, and WAY more interesting. That is the truth, and you should start teaching her that now.

And as for how to do this: Ephie's response is wonderful.

I feel for you, this is going to be a big change. I feel that parents have given in to their little girls & let them grow up way to fast. I guess it's easier to pretend it's not happening or 'all the other girls dress like that'.

I suggest getting her into Girl Scouts. This will be a positive & hopefully innocent environment for your daughter. If she cannot find someone she clicks with in school she probably will click with girls in Girl Scouts.

Good luck, you have a lot on your plate/mind.

Just to add my support. Your daughter sounds wonderful. Hoping for the best for her.