what do you say to relatives when they are being raunchy, trashy, tacky (with their body and vocabulary) I know this is way out of the Mom/children question on this website but having some issues with my young cousin who is 19. My 19 yr old cousin, who i love very much, has very low self esteem, and is very sexually active. Not only that, worse part is that she likes to blast all her dirty laundry on facebook. All while her mom , grandmother, is on her friend list and can read all her raunchy comments. Today she put on there something about what position is she going to do next, using the F word to describe it. I read it and it just makes me so sad, sad because a bunch of her moms family (my aunt) is friends with my cousin on facebook, family that we have no seen in years but that we keep in touch through face book and here she is (my cousin) posting raunchy disgusting comments. Where is the self respect, the class. What can u tell or say to a relative that is being nasty like that? Is there anything i can say that will make her realize she needs to grow up and stop posting stuff like that.
Her mom commented on her post telling her to please stop using the F word and she snapped back telling her if she doesn't like it to delete her.
I know this is a silly question or not even what this site is about, but i know we all know that one person who is out of line and just so immature all the time. JFF- do you have any stories of what you've said or done to that tacky person in your family. Thanks
(I know this question isn't for everybody, JFF)
UPDATE: Dawn, you're right...this isn't a JFF, but i put that out there to hear silly stories of how someone has dealt with a sibling or a relative about being tacky..but like someone said, maybe try and get thru to her in a jokingly matter...probably the only way she will listen
Thank you to all who replied. I read all messages. Someone asked if everyone is afraid of, sadly yes, because she has a poor ugly attitude and so her sisters, even her mother is afraid to tell her to pipe down. I, on the other hand, have been able to talk to her in ways (God only knows) where she won't explode or go off on me, and she listens, but IDK if it sticks to her. My poor cousin has been through a lot and is very damaged. Same reason why I have tried to reach out to her , but she shuts everyone down with her attitude and her threats. Oh and she does have two accounts, on the other FB account she is more nasty than the one with family members on it. I guess I will talk to everyone about a possible intervention. Hopefully that will work. Thank you all again, I honestly thought I wasn't going to get any replies. You guys are awesome! Good day.
She is the only one who can decide what to post on her facebook. The only thing you can do if it upsets you is defriend her.
You can counsel her to have two FB accounts. One for friends where she can be as sexual and trashy as she wants... and another for family where she can update them as a normal adult would about her life without adding sexual updates.
She's deliberately pushing boundaries, as kids are prone to do at that age (often before they have successfully made an emotional break from their parents). She's expressing all the things she doesn't like about her parents in the most shocking way she can find, and it sounds like she's getting the desired results.
As a caring aunt, if you think she'll listen to you, you might try a face-to-face conversation. DON'T do this on facebook or any other public forum. Don't try to "corrrect" her, but ask her if she knows what her motives are, and listen with compassion. If you can agree or sympathize with anything she's willing to tell you, do it. When she's talked herself out, tell her that you can understand her expressed feelings, AND (much better than BUT) you are worried about what all that self-disclosure says to future employers or even a prospective mate, assuming she meets someone she'd like to start a family with.
Employers DO check out prospective employee's public postings, and a lack of mature restraint is VERY likely to get her disqualified, at some point, from a real opportunity.
Ignore her. She knows she is posting publicly, that's why she does it. In a few years, she may mature a bit, but nothing you say will change her mind, it's something she has to figure out herself.
She's only shooting herself in the foot and her immaturity will cost her.
HR and prospective employers are all over Facebook and she'll lose employment opportunities because of the image she presents of herself.
At some point she will have to 'scrub her data' (have it all deleted) but it might take a few years for her to mature enough to realize exactly how she's hurting herself (although there are a few people who manage to never grow up).
she's going for a reaction. you can't make her understand the implications, and she's reveling in her newfound adult status (even though she's clearly not yet emotionally an adult.) if she seems to solicit your opinion, tell her honestly that employers check facebook and she is not doing herself any favors by behaving this way in a public forum. but you can forget trying to be any sort of morality police. all you'll do is reinforce her immature notion that she's being some sort of rebel.
khairete
S.
I would just ask her privately (when the opportunity comes) why does she want to be seen as a slut.Men would only care about her body and think they can use her for sex, women will just despise her. Giving a poor image of herself will just make her feel worthless in the end. I would just tell her.
19? Nothing you can do. This isn't the first bad behavior the people who raised her have ever seen. I would delete her. I'm sure the other family members will too eventually. She is sure getting back at her parents for whatever they did wrong by displaying her awful personality for all to see. It is sad that she is doing this to herself, but it's her choice. At 19 she does know better.
If you ever do chat with her about it, just compliment her good qualities and tell her she isn't doing herself justice by portraying a side of herself that is so negative to the world. But then sit back and prepare for the angry pompous "I don't care about the world, if they don't like me the way I am they can take a flying f" shpeel.
Let her be how she is. It's all you can do.
I think you could talk with her privately if you think that she would respect you and your opinion. If you want to try, I would see how it goes. Tell her that you have noticed she is posting alot of things like this and am wondering what is going on with her. Take the approach of being the concerned family member and you want to make sure she is ok. Is it possible that she was assaulted or is getting into drugs etc. or something traumatic has happened to her? Is this a big change from before or has she always been this way? I would see whats going on with her and her self esteem to make her post this garbage. She must have a super low image of herself to let all that info out. The comments she is making are nothing to be proud of or tell all the world. You could also ask her to stop posting that stuff and get other family members on board as well. kind of like an intervention.
If she isn't willing to listen to you, I would consider hiding her posts so you don't have to read them anymore or defriending her. Hope this helps!
M
I would tell her to keep in mind that once it's on the internet, it never goes away. Potential employers will most likely be able to see what she's written and pictures she's posted.
Otherwise, you can hide her and not delete. She sounds like one of those people that has to learn things the hard way.
I know what you mean. I am "friends" with a friend of mine's young adult daughter on FB. She posts things all the time that just make me cringe. I just think a lot of (not all!) that generation just doesn't see what the rest of us see when people post that sort of thing. It is just crass. There really isn't any point in it. It doesn't make them look cool or popular or "in" or anything else but tacky, immature, and definitely the opposite of classy.
I feel bad for my friend, who is friends with her daughter on FB too. It is sad that some of these "kids" think only of whatever is on their mind at the moment and nothing else. :(
I would tell her that "I'm glad your enjoying yourself but you are postin this for friends and family and its kinda of disrespectful to talk like that." or "hey i love you but i dont want to know you THAT well if you know what i mean." kinda joking so she doesnt get defensive. I dont have any stories about dealing with people talking about sexual things in that manner, but when i lived in holyoke MA and worked at the mall I use to have people come in and swear at me because they were unhappy (anyone who has worked customer service knows what i mean!) I use to tell them "please dont swear this is a family store." and really enjoy when there face went purple haha
I would either block her messages, so you dont have to see it. Or block her.
I believe there is a way to report her to Facebook for her language (or pictures). If they delete her enough times maybe she will get the picture.
Even if it were someone I cared about, I'd delete them. Now my daughters have occasionally had friends that acted this way on their facebook pages. I have no problem calling them out on it because I feel like I'm being a mama lion and my daughters would NOT respond back that way. Usually, they are just being too tolerant of their friends. Some of the more tacky friends have smarted back at me and I just ignore that.
I recently friended a local daycare provide that I had been seeing on Craigslist. We have never met in person. I've tried to mentor her some and be a good example to her. She's pregnant with her first child, cares for one nephew and one daycare child. She'd never been able to get the other 3 she is allowed. I've tried carefully tell her that she needs to change her tone and the way she talks to people. I am pretty darn sure she lost the one baby she ever cared for because she smarted off to the parents. She was posting things on facebook about how people spoil their children and then someone like her has to fix them for them. She uses the F word in normal conversation too. There are times when I refuse to comment to something she says because I know that so long as I don't comment the conversation won't appear in my own links where some of my daycare parents could see! I've came close to de-friending her because I'm so afraid she'll pop off with something bad and one of my parents will see after I've already commented to her. I guess I just figure if she keeps trying to have daycare kids she may need an older more experienced mentor.
Facebook is a crazy place sometimes.
You can block her comments without un-friending her. I have a 50 year old cousin that is quite descriptive about his antics. It's not the thing I want the kids sitting by me to read over my shoulder. I still can post on his page, send him messages, etc...but I don't have to be part of his activities. When you have a post from her then move your cursor over the right side and see where it ways block. If you ever choose to change it then you can go to the edit section of your home page and fix it there.
She is 19, that is part of her life experience right now and you have no right to tell her she is being immature and foolish. She will come to that conclusion all on her own and be humiliated by her actions. She may be 20, 30, 40, or even 50 before she grows up but it is her life experience.
In response to the JFF part, my brother is 2 years younger than me, and tries to act SO professional. He uses big words that are totally unnecessary. It drives me insane. Act your age! It's not a bad thing! Don't use a $50 word when you can use a $5 word. Stop wearing suits all the time, you're freaking 25 years old. He just bought a sailboat... a SAILBOAT!! Go to Vegas and live life a bit!! He went from high school to college to graduate school to a big job... and he hates it! No wonder, he hasn't lived his life yet. I know that's the opposite of tacky but I'll tell you, if he wasn't my brother, I'd make fun of him all. the. time. Loosen up!! :)
Delete her.
And hopefully she won't end up with 5 kids from 5 different daddies in the next 5 years!
If her mom posts on her page and she doesn't get it, she's not going to get it. Otherwise, you could post on page, "You know, Grandma can read this." I would just delete her. It's distructive behavior, but you can't get mixed up with it. If she says something around your children that's inappropriate, tell her she needs to watch her mouth or you will have nothing to do with her.
I know a teen kiddo on FB and she wrote something that should have been embarrassing to her. I wrote on her page, "You know, old people can read this." She got a kick out of it and hasn't written too much since then.
