RE: Something Is Wrong with My Daddy and I Don't Know What to Do....

If he recently can be changed to the Ambien in hopes that it would help with the sleep apnea, it could ABSOLUTELY be related. There are so many instances of people waking up while under the influence of Ambien and behaving really different, trying to drive, being aggressive, cooking, eating, arguing and then having absolutely no memory of it.

He needs to see his physician today.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

Do some research on Ambein - it's had some bad things happen when people are using it - bad dreams, sleep walking, driving, eating, many things that DO NOT realize they were doing or did.

I would have my dad examined to see if he has the early stages of Alzheimer's as well.

I would let my mom live with me until my dad got things under control.

GOOD LUCK!

Get your Dad to a doctor. A quick search on the internet told me this about Ambien. "Ambien does have the potential for side effects such as anger and aggressive behaviors."

http://www.livestrong.com/article/262957-ambien-anger/

It could be the Ambien. After my mom's mastectomy they gave her an Ambien and it threw her into a state of waking nightmares. From what I have been told she spent a couple hours screaming at nothing and no one could calm her down. I have heard several other stories about that drug causing all sorts of horrid reactions, so many in fact that I can't believe it is still on the market.

Now, you are right, they are both adults. It seems to me that there really isn't much you can do about this situation.

The violence -- throwing the cat (a very big red flag: he's willing to hurt something that's living), jumping in the car like that, "pushing and shoving" -- frankly that would be enough, right there, to make me have my mom tell him today he either gets to a professional, today, or she sleeps at your house or a hotel tonight. And every night after that until he has:

--Seen his doctor and had a full workup of all his medications. You said he had had a med change; that could be creating the anger etc. And why is he taking Ambien? Why just one, that one time? If it's not a med he uses regularly why did he pop it that one time? This could all be related to side effects.

--Seen a therapist. Not a grief counselor -- it's great that your mom is going but it does not sound appropriate for him. He needs first the medication review and then a referral to a very good therapist.

--Gotten checked out thoroughly by a doctor who is a specialist in early onset dementia. Yes, I'm talking Alzheimer's here. I would probably not use that word with him yet as it might set him off and make him refuse to talk to ANY doctor. But the things you describe here -- irrational outbursts, anger (even at the person you love most), violence -- can all be signs of the onset of dementias. Dementia alters the personality. It may not just be resentment and anger at your mom's caring for her mother; it may be that coupled with the early stages of dementia.

Please don't think, "At 60 he's too young for it to be Alzheimer's or another dementia." Not so. My friend's mom was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's at 60. And please don't think he's incapable of real violence. My mom's neighbor was the gentlest man in the world, but Alzheimer's made him have very violent thoughts.

This may be as simple as medications gone wrong, or it may be as profoundly life-changing, for all of you, as his having dementia. But you cannot know unless you get professionals involved, and quickly. Not knowing your relationship with him, I can't say "You have to take over, make doctor's appointments, and tell him you will be driving him and sitting in taking notes on every appointment," etc. But that may be what it takes if your mom is not in a position to handle it, or if he would become angry at her doing so. It sounds like he cannot be depended on to see the problems in his own behavior or to take action to stop it.

Meanwhile, I'd convince your mom that she may be in physical danger from him. I find the things you describe -- especially if they are sudden and not part of years of violent outbursts -- very worrying.

I think you should get your father to his doctor ASAP. Tell the doctor what happened.

It could be something like a urinary tract infection. Believe it or not, they can cause hallucinations and behavior issues in older adults. Or it could be his new meds.

The only way you can't admit him anywhere against his wishes, but the cops could have had him hospitalized for observation based on his behavior that night. If it happens again and cops are called,. ask them to place a mental health hold on him and have him admitted to the local mental health facility for observation. In California it's called a 5150 hold (5150 being the penal code section authorizing the hold.) Don't know what it's called there, but I'm sure GA has a comparable statute.

Good luck!

Someone needs to speak to your dad once he's clear-headed (as few medications in his system as possible). I think it should be the person he will have the most positive attitude with (vs feeling attacked or cornered). I doubt this is your mom right now, perhaps you, your sister or another close family member. Given the generation, I think it is unlikely that your dad will see a counselor or attend therapy, just because he was raised to see these things as signs of weakness or crutches for people who can't handle their own problems (and he's probably right in believing that they are way over used in society today, but that's for another post). In my opinion, the conversation needs to be about him keeping himself healthy and safe. Does he remember all of the events from the previous night? Can he see that he was too impaired to drive? Does he ackonwledge the incident with the cat? The answers to these questions will help you to see what path to go down with him. I wouldn't even make the conversation about his relationship with mom at all (avoid the "he said"-"she said" issues at all costs) until you can get a better handle on the mood swings, the violence, etc. Has anyone else witnessed an episode like this before last night? All of these things need to be raised rationally with him in a way that makes it clear that you're worried about HIS well-being before you can even address the safety of others. Perhaps this seems like dodging the issue, but I just don't think he'll react well to someone telling him that he's abusing your mom (and that's what he will hear as soon as you mention any of the behaviors you've listed). How the initial discussions with him go will lead you down a path of action, but then you need to make clear to him that you WILL hold him accountable for whatever plan you create (I keep using "you" to refer to whoever the trusted person is).

In the meantime, mom needs to feel safe and loved. Her world is collapsing right now - physical loss of her mom, combined with emotional loss of her husband. Sit down with her and remind her that she has a whole circle who love her, that she needs to really think about what others can do to help, and then push her to share that with you. Once again, this is a couple who wasn't raised to grieve publicly, to ask for help, or even to share too much with family and friends. Make sure she has an immediate response plan if she feels threatened in any way or if she worries about your dad's safety. Who lives closest? Are there any neighbors that can be trusted enough to know that she may need help (without sharing any of the gory details) and can get there in extreme emergency? Hopefully none of these things will be needed, but it's better to have options in place than to second-guess down the road.

Finally, your family will be in my prayers. With the diagnoses and medications available to us today, we are helping so many people that we couldn't help in the past. We are, however, causing or worsening many other issues by our treatment choices. I pray that your dad is able to find the balance that helps him to manage his RA while also maintaining the loving personality that makes him so special ;)

I am so sorry. This is a terrible situation. I do think that your mom is possibly in trouble and it would be good for her to call social services about it. She should also hide the car keys so that he cannot drive while impaired, and the ambien should be thrown out. Ambien is very much a culprit in wild behavior. Your mom should call his doctor and tell him or her everything that is going on (including that he threw the cat across the room!) and make sure that he cannot get another prescription.

I have to say that I wonder if your dad is starting to come down with Alzheimers. Personality changes can occur for many reasons, not just from depression and medications. Does he wear a sleep apnea machine when he sleeps? If he doesn't, could you convince him to?

Your mom needs help, and your dad needs a physical done by a geriatric neurologist. If he is unwilling to go to the doctor, and this all gets worse, I would consider helping her go to court to get a judge to make him get evaluated. She is doing the absolutely right thing by calling the police. It will help HER get him help by having records of his behavior with the authorities.

Sending you and your mom strength~

Dawn

My thoughts were the Ambien and possible early Alzheimers. I have heard of Ambien doing really strange things to people.

It's sort of shocking the kind of effects medication can have on someone's mental state. Not that this is your dad's situation AT ALL (not trying to scare you because it's not related) but I recently had a friend's brother commit suicide because they changed the dosage on his blood pressure medication. Medication changes can really mess with you.

I'd say get him to a doctor ASAP and you need to be there with him. He might get defensive if your mother goes, but someone objective needs to be there to discuss these changes with his doctor. If nothing else, his doctor might agree to see you individually, as long as you don't actually discuss his treatment, just the symptoms you're seeing.

I know Ambien can do weird things to people, but really, it could be anything. I would try discussing it with his doctor if you can, or at least try to get your mom to. I am glad your mom is getting some counseling but your dad needs to try to be more supportive. How do you think he would react if you tried to talk to him yourself? If you let him know how concerned you are, but that his behavior is not acceptable and you need to see him get more help. They should probably consider attending marriage counseling together, but your dad needs to be willing to have a more open mind and listen to what others have to say. In the meanwhile, I would see about not taking the Ambien anymore and see if that helps. Like others have said, it could be the start of Alzheimer's or something similar, and your mom might have to at least stay with you to keep herself out of harm's way.

I really think that you need to offer your mother some shelter until your dad gains insight into his behavior, sees a doctor, and makes marked progress.

For better or for worse, our mental health system does not allow a family member to force their loved ones to get treatment until there is the threat of harm to the family or the individual. My little brother has schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and my parents have had to have the police take him away multiple times when he is off of his med & is being violent. Your father hasn't been violent with your mom, but throwing a cat across the room? Yes, I believe that would qualify for being a danger to others.

My advice: work with a social worker and a lawyer to see what you can do to intervene. In the meantime, keep your mother out of harm's way. My heart goes out to you--it is one of the cruelest of life's trials when you see someone you love so deeply completely morph into something unrecognizable.

Wow so much going on here and it all points to some physical changes in your dad.

It could be due to so many things.

He has to be made to go to his Doctor ASAP.

Could be the medications.. Could be the lack of good sleep (does he have and use a CPAP?), Could be an emotional problem. Could be the onset of Alzheimer, hardening of the arteries, Low testosterone....

So many things.

You all are not doctors. He must seek these answers.
All of you need to take him and make sure you all let him know you love him and are very concerned for his own safety.

Hopefully it's just a one time reaction to the meds. I'm assuming he won't be taking them again? What does his doc say?

JUst keep your mom close, maybe she'd like to talk. SOOOO very stressful for her, geez.

Keep us posted, k?

:)

Sleep apnea isn't that rare anymore, there are CPap machines that help with that. RA can be treated with things that don't cause this sort of issue so those two things don't seem to enter into this behavior. I would say get off the other medication and someone maybe stay with them until they get more settled or get help of some kind.
I'm sure your dad is upset about his wife going to her mom's over living full time with him. I know how that affects families but they need to somehow move past this without medication.

soor i couldnt follow to long but I know that sleeping pills do crazy things to people did he go to the sleep clinic for overnight check up

So sorry this is happening to you. It's so hard to deal with aging parents.

I'd call his dr and say what happened last night. He might have had a reaction to the Ambien.

If necessry. have mom call the police if she has to. They might them force him to seek some medical treatment.

Be there for them. Sounds like your mom is still grieving (obviously) and has a lot to handle right now.