RE: Uninvolved Mother-in Law

I don't see any issue with it. Kids don't miss what they never had. My paternal grandparents died before I was born. I don't feel like I missed anything as I never knew them anyway.

I'd have to know more. My MIL lives 14+ hrs away and has not been able to get time off work and can't afford to come often. She's seen my kids maybe 3 times in the past 8 yrs , about to be 4 times cause she's coming to visit in a couple of weeks.
Between her husband's illnesses , job loss , etc she's been unable to come.

So yeah it's ok.

My kids ages 9 and almost 6 have only seen my mother 1 time total. Do not feel too bad. Although I have to say my mother lives over 3,000 miles away. I realize she lives far away, but she does not even call them on their birthdays or send cards or whatever. So when I did not get her mothers day card in the mail on time, I really did not feel too bad.

It's sad to be sure. But it is her life. I agree with the other poster that the children will be okay with whatever. She's missing out and maybe doesn't know it. Or maybe she isn't that into kids.

When I was growing up I was horrified when some people would tell me they didn't want kids. When my oldest daughter started telling me that I was petrified she meant it. But the older I get the more I understand that parenting isn't for everyone. Now I am honestly okay with people making that choice. Isn't it better for them to make the the choice to stay away than to make the choice to do it and then resent it?

OK with her or OK with you?

I don't know either of your circumstances, but you can't change anyone else, you just have to adapt. I'd be disappointed, too, but again, I don't know her circumstances. Some folks just don't feel like being too involved.

You don't give any details, so its hard to know if illness, distance, finances, etc. are a factor. But in the end, although it might not be what you would WANT in a perfect world- there is probably nothing you can do to CHANGE it, so let it go!! Don't make yourself crazy over it and most importantly, do NOT make a big deal out of it in front of your child. Kids only know their own reality- your child's feelings will not be hurt by this unless YOU make it into an issue. I can only hope that your child has other loving grandparents closer to home to help make up for it. Just let it go, and be a loving mama- that's what your child really needs!

I don't know your situation, where you live in relation to your mother in law. But I understand the hurt that comes from feeling that a grandparent just doesn't show interest in a grandchild. My mother-in-law lives in the same town, right up the street, literally she lives 2 minutes from us. She NEVER comes to see my daughter. If we try to schedule time for her to come and see our daughter she never shows up. My daughter is 3 and my mother-in-law didn't see her for the first 8 months of her life, and while at first it angered me, her lack of interest, my husband and I just decided to take the attitude that we can't control her actions or her desire to be involved in our daughter's life. I don't know if your child has another set up grandparents that are actively involved, I pray that is the case. I know we are blessed with my parents who live an hour and a half away and still see our daughter 2 to 3 times a month. I know this helped us knowing that while one set of grandparents are total duds, at least the others are making great efforts to be involved. I hope that you do not take it too personally, as I did. And just realize that while it is disgraceful that your MIL doesn't make an effort, there is nothing more you could do to encourage that relationship, and she will have to live with the consequences of choosing to not be an active participant in your child's life.

Of course it's okay, if that's all the interest or energy she has. You can't create interest or emotional connection in another person. You could, however, reach out to her, invite her, offer to visit her – make whatever opportunities you can to let her know she would be welcome and valued.

Your kids don't have your expectations, so they will not suffer from this "distant" relative unless you plant that thought in them. But why would you want them to experience distress?

Hummmm. . . .We can not make others be involved in our children's lives. As long as she acts loving when she does visit, there shouldn't be a problem. I firmly believe that 2 wrongs don't make a "right", so I would personally be open to what ever communication the grandmother was comfortable with.

There are questions that come to mind like: how far/close does she live,what is her relationship with you and your husband, are there other grandchildren she visits, isshe playing favortism amoung grandchildren, how is she when she comes, do you attempt to bring the child to see her, do you keep her updated on child (pictures, videos, school events, holidays)

"OK" to who? It's obviously "OK" with her. Are there issues such as distance, health, finances? My MIL is WAY less involved with my son than my mom is and my mom lives about 4 times as far away. My MIL is about 10 mins away and makes NO effort to see him. But she's the same way with my SIL's kids so I take no offense. She lives in a very self-centered small world. The way I see it it's her loss not his.
Careful what you wish for though b/c I really wouldn't like her here all the time anyway.

Unbelievably selfish and ugly!

I would say yes. My MIL lives overseas and doesn't like to travel. She has only seen my first son 2 times and never saw my youngest. We can't afford to travel to see them either, so you have to weigh the circumstances. She might think she is doing you good by not getting too involved for the same reasons people hate mother in laws. NO matter how bad our own moms are with whatever, we tend to forgive them more than we would our MIL. They are moms too!

Sometimes it's a blessing. If she doesn't seem to be interested, is she someone you really want in your child's life anyway?

It is best to have good people in a child's life and sometimes that isn't necessarily a relative. My MIL would purposefully give my kids snacks/desserts even after they didn't finish dinner as I'm telling them "No dessert. If you are not hungry enough to eat dinner, then you can't fit in dessert." One kid doesn't like soda, yet she would hold forcefully open my child's mouth and pour soda in it to get my child "used to it". Oh heavens, there's soooo much more. That my hubby and I decided the relationship was toxic as the kids didn't even want to visit her house. She was not a "motherly" person. She didn't enjoy seeing them graduate or perform in a play or win a sport trophy in a championship game. She didn't come to birthday parties. She would only "babysit" if her friend was over with her 16yr old daughter to "keep an eye on" my kids. She snowbirds to FL for months at a time and doesn't call or send them cards and the kids in turn would not think of her for special occasions either. It is sad. A grandparent/grandchild bond should be a special one. We are now trying to subject our kids to the loving family and friends the should be around as they grow up.

Its too bad, but i agree that its her that is missing out, also, you can be glad that its not the other way around, and shes not constantly in your business telling you how to raise your kids

Geographical distance is not the issue, it is emotional distance. Your expectations and your MIL's expectations are different, the options seem to be: change (your expectations because you can't change her), compromise (with MIL on a schedule) or cope (accept and help your children accept that she is not the grandma elementary children read about in books at school). The 3rd option is what I did after many years, 2 children, and therapy, regarding both parents.
Peg M's answer is on the mark, especially in Paragrph 2.

You cannot change your mil. You're making yourself unhappy by expecting her to do something that she apparently doesn't want to do. I suggest you work on changing your expectations and accept that this is the way it is.

If you suspect that she isn't involved because she's upset with you or something that has happened in the past, talk with her about it. Tell her that you would really like for her to visit and that you miss her visits. Ask her if there is anything that you can do to get her involved with her grandchildren. Then accept her answer and move on. If she says that there is something then work with her to make changes. Talk with her calmly and non-judgmentally.

I do wonder why you don't go to her house. Perhaps a 2 way street is literal for you. You expect her to drive the street in your direction as often as you drive it in her direction. That doesn't have to be the definition. To me a 2 way street means that both people have pleasure in the relationship. And that the pleasure is based on the time in which we're together and not in what each person physically does. Each one of us is different and frequently have different expectations. What works is accepting the other person as they are and not try to change them.

I agree with Peg M. and Elizabeth R. Your children will be OK with her not visiting unless you make it a big deal and tell them she's wrong or worse yet let them think it's because she doesn't love them. It's important that they know that she loves them. She most likely does love them. Don't equate love with visits. She is who she is and the situation is what it is. Take a neutral view even tho you do understandably feel hurt.

If you could provide us with more information you'd probably get a wiser answer. The way you present it to us seems to me like you're searching for agreement to your already-formed opinion.

Wow your MIL and my MIL sound very similar! My MIL came for my son's birth, his first birthday, and hasn't come to visit since and my son will be 8 this summer. I just had to learn to get over it and just have my family and my parents and my sisters be involved as possible (even though the are out of state too) and oh well to her, if she doesn't want to be involved its her problem, not yours.

My mother-in-law has been to our house 2 times in the past 14 years! She lives 2 hours away, we go to see her and she likes to look at the kids, say "oh look how big they are getting" and then she does not want anything else to do with them. She wants them to sit quiet like statues. She talks to me about the weather and gossips with my husband. It is ridiculous. My kids have never received a gift from her or much acknowledgment of any kind. She does like us to send pictures so that she can brag and appear to be a good grandma to her friends. Oh well, atleast I don't have some of the problems others have with controlling MIL over stepping their boundaries!

It's sad, but my MIL has been here 4 times in 17 years. Travels all over, sees her other grandkids, even her sisters' grandkids, but not here. It may be because we don't have a spare bedroom or she gets bored or who knows. But she can afford to travel, and you better believe the kids notice when their friends have grandparents visit and they don't!

My first answer would be: no...that said, I have no idea what is going on. Does she leave far? Is she in good health or may be sick? Are you in good terms with her? Is she a widow? Is she close to your husband? Does she have other grankids that are closer? Does she connects with your child? etc.

I mean, a lot of things can have an impact here.

No, sounds like my mother who steps up a little bit more and makes it to the occasional birthday. On the other hand after hearing about people complaining about meddlesome mother in laws and parents, you might thank your lucky stars. I cannot understand my mother why she was never interested in us or the grandchildren (but she did have nine kids and thinks that was all she had to do). Maybe mother in law is mad at whomever. I always wonder why my mother in law never calls my husband and we have been married fifteen years. He calls her all the time. She lives close enough to go to Phoenix and see her daughter all the time and manages to have everyone ask for money for her, but has never called or visited for herself. So go figure. Different families-eh?

try getting skype that way they can call each other on the computer and talk and see each other.

My "mother in law" used to want to be involved in my child and met a man and married him within 3 months and now she doesn't have time for anyone but him and we live 15 minutes away. My Mother in TYLER comes to see my son more than this woman does and it's IRRITATING to say the least.

I realized a while back that I can't make her WANT to be around my son or make her son (my sons dad) WANT her to be around him, so I stopped talking and stopped caring if this woman EVER saw him at all.

I deal with it like this...I'll never keep her from him. And for that I will NEVER have any regrets, but I can guarantee when her grandchild could care less about seeing her, she will. And that gives me great peace.

I do not call. I do not make a special effort to go to her house (she and her husband are chain smokers) and I do not make any effort to invite them to my house (they will simply cancel to go gambling or not call or show up).

Keep sending the invitations. Keep sending the pictures. And let her do what she wants.

Focus on the kids, not her.

Good luck to you.