Really Stressin’ Out! Don’t Know What to Do!!!!!

Sending you a cyber hug because I know how stressful this is!! I can't anymore than the other women have said, which is great advice.
Best of luck to you!!!

I mainly just want to wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make. If you do choose not to continue breastfeeding, do not feel bad. You have to make the decision that's best for everyone, you included. I wasn't able to breastfeed and believe me, I did get some negative remarks from some other pro-breastfeeding moms. But it's not right for everyone. If you're not happy doing it, then you're not likely able to be the best mom you can be either. Honestly, now that I've done the formula route with the first child and able to share the feeding responsiblity, I don't know if I even want to deal with breastfeeding for the next one if it works out.

Hi B.. I feel for your situation. There is so much stress with a newborn! We gave our second newborn a bottle when she was about 3 weeks old and figured - cool, no problem and didn't keep up the habit on a regular basis. Then our little one got stubborn too and wouldn't take a bottle.

We tried almost a dozen different types before finding one she'd take. The one that worked for us is the Playtex Drop-Ins with the natural rubber nipple (you have to buy the rubber nipples separate - they come with the silicone kind).

If you're nursing in bed with your baby I can see where it might be hard for your husband to sleep. I think the baby might be using you as their pacifier at night too. I'd try feeding her in a different room, swaddling her if you're not, and introducing a pacifier. This helped our second child immensely.

Good luck with these things. I know what works for one person won't work for all, but I hope these ideas help!

All these feelings are normal at 7 weeks. Just keep carrying on and it will get easier.

If your husband needs more sleep, sleep in separate rooms. His blaming your breastfeeding on his lack of sleep is unfair of him. No seven week old should be "crying it out", she needs you!

Lots of babies reject bottles, and when they get hungry enough they do drink. Babies are not capable of starving themselves. I don't understand why you would lose your childcare if she doesn't take a bottle?? My baby went to daycare for 4 weeks without drinking, then suddenly started. My providers just kept patiently working with her.

It in NOT possible for a baby to be "too connected" to you. You want to develop that connection now to avoid other issues, like separation anxiety, later.

B.,
Take a deep breath and relax. I understand it's stressful to think about going back to work and childcare feeding but your baby can feel your stress which isn't helping the bottle situation. My son wouldn't take a bottle either until I tried the Adiri Natural Nurser. It worked wonders for us. The end of the bottle is pliable like the breast and it's great for weening. The only problem we had was if you don't screw the bottom on tight enough the bottle will leak. And it took a couple of feedings before he got the hang of it but after about a week he was strictly on the bottle. It's a little pricey but it's worth it. Here is a link http://www.naturesonedirect.com/bottles.html?gclid=CJ3I-o... Give it a try, it may work just as great for you as it did for us. Good luck!

Sounds like you have a lot to consider. Just a couple of things I would say: First, if you are going back to work, your child will be taking a bottle, regardless of if you pump milk or use formula. It's just how these things work. Try a couple of different bottles, and it may just be that you don't do the bottles, but your husband/family/friends help with that. Your child just might not take a bottle from you because she knows you've got something better to offer! I am a firm believer in the benefits of breastfeeding, I nursed my daughter until she was 11 months, but I also understand when it is something that is not going to work. I wanted to nurse until dd was 1 year, but we stopped 1 month earlier because it was causing me so much stress, so really, just do what is best for you, your daughter will work it out, and you're life will be less stressful when you've made your decision. If you decide to keep with it, get some support or try to have daddy do a bottle feeding at night, that way you'll still have milk, you'll just pump, and he can bond with baby. It will also relieve you of that one feeding, and dad can feel more involved. If you decide to go with formula, try various bottles and formulas until you find one that works best for your child. It will all work out!! You're a great mom!!

First off, you have to decide what is really important to you. None of these issues mean that you have to stop breastfeeding, but they can be great excuses if you just truly want to quit. If you want to switch her to a bottle, most likely you are going to have to get somebody else to feed her without you present. If she sees or smells you, she will want the breast, not a silicone or rubber nipple. In other words, if you want to switch her, your mom and DH will have to pitch in. Alternately, you could wait until she's in daycare and let the daycare provider deal with it.

It does sound like your baby is attached to you, but in a good and normal way. She knows your voice and smell, and she trusts you. To the best of my understanding, crying it out is not the best idea for a baby under 1 year of age. The only way she has to communicate is with crying. If she cries and you just let her, she learns that she can't count on you. If you don't want her in bed with you all night (I personally have nothing against co-sleeping, but it doesn't work for us), try waiting until she is totally asleep to put her in her crib. Or, put a pack-n-play right next to your side of the bed.

Your DH does not need to feed the baby in order to bond with her. He needs to spend time alone with her. Whether it's cuddling her, bathing her, changing her diaper or just playing some special game that only he plays with her. It is normal for a baby to be more attached to whichever parent they spend more time with. My baby is 7 months old, and if I'm present, she wants me and only me. If I'm not, Daddy is just great. That is why I say your DH needs to spend time alone with her. A lot of men take it personally when baby "rejects"them. It is perfectly normal for a child to switch back and forth bewteen which parent is the favorite. My oldest was Mommy's girl until she was about 2. Now, Daddy is the king of the world.

None of what I just told you matters if you just really want to quit breastfeeding. Not everyone can, and not everyone wants to. Don't feel guilty about making the decision that is best for your family.

1) Your husband sounds like he is just overwhelmed as well. And possibly a bit depressed with trying to make ends meet, working 2 jobs, having a newborn at home, etc. First of all, the 2 of you need to make some time together. Figure out a good time to have someone watch the kids and you can just go for a walk together. Maybe just after the kids are asleep. Do you have a friend or family who you could get to help. He needs to feel your love and apprciation for the hard work he puts in to provide for the family. Secondly, he should get some alone time with your new daughter to develop his own special bond with her. Give him space and time to get to know her, but also realize that it might take awhile.

2) Regarding the bottle, you don't say who is giving her the bottle. I recommend that you not be the one to try getting her to take the bottle. Have it only be your mom or your husband or someone else as needed. And you should be out of the house so you cannot swoop in for the rescue with the breast. Also try some different types of bottle/nipple combos. If you try a new one, give it at least a week before deciding it won't work. I don't know how available your mom is, but if she was available around the same time each day or a consistent time each day that your husband could give her the bottle so that it becomes a predictable part of her schedule might help.

3. Do not worry about being too attached to her. The more comforted and safe she feels the better in the long run. In regards to cosleeping, I don't know enough about your situation. But if cosleeping is causing resentment from your husband then you should wean away from it IMO. Does she cosleep for naps too? Or nap in her crib? Develop a predictable bedtime routine for putting her down in her crib, at this age I think it is fine and normal to nurse her to sleep and then swaddle her tightly before laying her in the crib. Make sure you have a comfy rocking chair in her room so you can nurse comfortable in the middle of the night (a reclining glider rocker with a footstool worked well for me).

And lastly, just remember that as with all phases in raising kids, this too shall pass. Hugs and good luck.

My second son wouldn't take a bottle either, I think we tried six different nipples before he took to one. It was the day before I went back to work. I like the idea of having somebody else give her the bottle, that might help a lot, I would suggest your husband in the evening while he is sitting in the living room relaxing.
As for being too attached, unless there is no way you can put her down with out a full blown fit, she's not too bad. I may take a couple of days after you go back to work before she gets used to the daycare provider, but she will be just fine.
Good luck dear.

My daughter was the same way and I honestly understand your feelings about her being too attached to you and the breast! I had to bottle feed my first, and I think part of the problem with the 2nd is that you KNOW how easy it is to have a bottle fed baby, your husband knows what he's missing, you don't have issues with them not taking a bottle and they tend to spread their meals apart sooner because they can get more at each feeding. So when I had all of the trouble getting my 2nd to take a bottle, we ended up going cold turkey (I still pumped) and within a day or two she was a champ with the bottle. Then you can still give her breastmilk but get her used to using a bottle. Even if you go back to nursing her at night and pumping during the day (I'd give it a good week or two with just the bottle before going back) - you need to do what works for your family. I ended up going with just the bottle after that - (I pumped for another 2 weeks and slowly decreased my supply until I had nothing left) that's just what worked best for my family. Your LO feels your stress and that may be making her want to be closer to you, needing your comfort more because she's feeling the stress/anxiety.

So, take a deep breath (or let out a good scream) and just tackle one problem at a time.

Hi B.,

You've gotten great advice so far so I'm mainly just sending good vibes! :) You will all get through this...things are most difficult now, but...this too shall pass. I know someone else wrote that too, but it's so true.

I also wanted to mention - your husband will be able to connect with you little one soon enough - I know my husband became more engaged once the baby started interacting more and not just screaming at him :) He actually had quite a hard time in the beginning after our daughter was born - he was sad that our first child was no longer the center of our universe, and add to that the fact that the new baby seemed to be always crying and so dependent on me (as newborns are - he had forgotten to what extent), and while he *loved* our second child, he might not have actually liked her that much.... Then, when she began to smile at him and start to show her little personality, he melted and is now wrapped very firmly around her tiny pinkie. I wish he could've handled it better in the beginning, but...at least he was able to spend lots & lots more time with our older child during that time - it got him more engaged.

Both of our kids have been exclusively breastfed so my husband bonds with them in different ways - he's the 'bath' guy and has so much fun with them. He's also the one who gets to play with them more.

I also co-sleep with my daughter (she was in a side-car co-sleeper, but she's been sick recently so I've been cuddling with her in the bed). I'll be moving her back to her side-car cosleeper soon and then on to a crib in another room in a month or so, but...I guess I'm trying to appreciate her baby-ness now. It goes so quickly (I'm amazed she's already over 6 months!) On nights that my husband is having trouble sleeping (and he often does - what with the economy as wretched as it is!) he'll sleep in another room. Sometimes he starts the night with me, but then moves to another room when my daughter wakes for a feeding.

I'm trying to think of anything that might help you feel better as I know how stressful this all is. Your little girl will drink from a bottle at the daycare...eventually. There might be some rough days prior, but...as stubborn as she might be, she won't starve herself. And if you're able to breastfeed her before & after work, think of it as your 'reconnecting' time, maybe?

Anyway, I hope something I - and/or the other 23 responders so far - said has helped, or at least made you feel a little more at peace...life is stressful enough :(

Take care,
M. s

It sounds like you have several decisions to make, and you have to decide what is important to YOU, right now. Remember that in life, sometimes there isn't a "good" choice to make, only a "better" one....

Perhaps school and work can and should wait. School and work will always be there, but your baby will not always be a baby. Our American culture has forgotten that raising a newborn IS a full-time job in and of itself. Does that mean that you should never go back to work or school? Of course not, but it may mean postponing these things, or only pursuing them part-time right now.

If you need to go to school/work now, THEN you have to make the decision as to whether or not to keep this childcare provider. The fact that the daycare will not explore other feeding options or work with you is not a good sign, and quite frankly, I would not want my child at such a place.

As far as your husband not getting enough sleep, is it because you're co-sleeping and he wakes when the baby wakes? If you want to keep co-sleeping, then you and the baby need to sleep separate from your husband.

The first few months after my son was born, I slept on the futon in the living room and my son slept in his bassinet right next to me. My husband slept alone in our room, and was able to get a full night's sleep every night.

Take it one decision at a time, and don't let all these things cloud your relationship with your newborn. Cherish this phase, it will go so fast. My son is 13 months old and I already miss the days he was a tiny newborn and breastfeeding.

I am also going back to work next week! My baby was also not accepting a bottle, but when I switched to the playtex nurser bottle, there was some progress. At first she would only drink an ounce, but now she is doing better. It's taken about 3 weeks to get her to accept it. I plan to nurse her when I'm with her in the morning and in the evening, but have the childcare provider give her formula (or stored breastmilk) in a bottle. I figured at least that way she is getting some breastmilk! If you aren't able to pump while you are at work and store it, this could be a good option. Try to be gentle with yourself--it sounds like you are doing the best you can. I know there are other bottles out there that are supposed to be more like the breast than even the playtex nurser...it's called Adiri or something like that. Try googling it. Good luck!

I understand it can seem stressful...Unfortuately, breastfeeding often gets the blame for so many other things going on in a home. Feeding a child is not the only thing one can do to bond with them...diapering, bathing, playing, carrying in a sling, etc. There is a lot of research to show that babies can respond to stress in the home...

I have heard so many moms worry about what is to come and they fail to enjoy the time they have in front of them. I know you are worried about daycare and going back to work. Does your baby not like the nipple or bottle you are using? Are you pumping or supplementing with formula (it tastes much different than breast milk)? Can you leave somehting that you have snuggled with (a baby blanket, etc) to help comfort baby when you are away? Are those who are making suggestions to wean supportive of breastfeeding in general?

One last thought...Is there a mom to mom support group in your area? Have you visited with a lactation consultant about your concerns? While friends and family can offer advice, there is value to consulting a professional. Breastfeeding is best for babies and in most cases there are ways to make things work for everyone involved...

I don't want you to take these questions as judgements...just food for thought!

Wishing you the best...

I think it's time to forget about school for a while and focus on 'being here now' with your baby. School can always wait; a baby can't. You have to be strong while you husband is being immature towards you about the wonderful, loving care you are giving your little one. And I think it is very healthy that you are cosleeping with her. Your husband can sleep in his own bed. It does really sound as though your little one's father isn't attaching well and in fact has some issues about his own childhood. I think you need to put off school and be there for your baby. Cut back on unnecessary luxuries if you have many, and decide to be there for your baby instead of trying to get her to take a bottle...and being all stressed out while trying to study and concentrate on your classes. The best thing for your baby is her mother to be a relaxed, happy, and well-attached mother and too much bad stress is going to prevent her from having this. A whole year of having 'totally mommy' is going to make a huge difference security-wise for both you and your baby. Get yourself some breastfeeding support because even though you have none at home, it is available elsewhere like at the clinic or the LaLecheLeague (in your area call either:
Kristen ###-###-####
Laura ###-###-####
Emily ###-###-#### I got those names & #'s from the LLL webpage for MN)
http://www.llli.org//
I think when you are around people giving you good support, you will want to continue breastfeeding because you will feel better about yourself. You are important. You deserve to be the type of mom you imagined yourself being, despite your husband's deep-seated issues. Good luck with everything. I hope you can start having less stress and more happiness very soon.

I can not say that I relate entirely to your situation -- but I did pump breast milk for 10 months. I initially caught a lot of flack because this was so unusual, but it worked out good for our family. The first 3 months were tough because I was pumping A LOT, but after that I went down to 6 times a day and then by 5-6 months it was about 4 times daily. We were able to get the benefits of BM and reduced the cost of formula. Also, my husband did a lot of the feedings.

As for getting your little one to take the bottle -- a friends mother told me that when she went back to work she actually had to leave the house for the weekend and her husband just kept offering the bottle -- that way the baby wasn't confused about Mom being there. I hear it was a pretty challenging weekend, but it worked.

I also know someone who had a similar issue and ended up switching childcare providers to closer to work and would take breaks and go nurse during the day. Not something I'd want to try and tackle -- but it worked well for her.

Good Luck!

I remember particularly with nursing my first that I hit a point where I felt almost claustrophobic. I hated that he needed to be so close all the time, that I was the only one who could sustain him, food-wise, and that I had to be available to him 24-7. But...it went away and I was glad to be nursing. I wouldn't trade it, and I'm now nursing #2. As for your husband, if you leave, will the baby take the bottle? I guess I always tell myself, obviously people switch to formula all the time and THEIR babies take the bottle; MINE should take the bottle too, if they have to. Neither of my babies liked it, esp. knowing I was there with a handy warm boob, but if I was away, they took it without much complaint because they were hungry. Finally--you talk about her being on the boob all the time...I guess, in my opinion, I would suggest setting up boundaries early on this one. If you don't want her in your bed, work to put her somewhere else. If she's in your bed, work to get her "un-hooked" from the breast. My kids LOVED LOVED LOVED nursing at night, which is why I am still nursing a 16 month old multiple times a night, which I really didn't plan on!!! I keep wishing we'd known then what we know now... :) But, obviously, it's easier said than done. If you are comfortable with her in your bed, keep her there! Do what works for you, but make sure that it not only works for your daughter but for you and your husband as well, since your relationship is important too. Good luck. Oh...and while I'd definitely encourage you to keep nursing, again, you have to do what works for you. If you really aren't enjoying the nursing relationship, there's no shame in going to formula, either.

You are clearly stressed and have a lot of innerwoven challenges. I highly recommend contacting a professional lactation consultant and have her help you un-weave all the challenges and help you with a plan that will work for you, your baby and your family. There are no easy or cookie-cutter answers for your situation. Your baby was in you for 9-months so it's logical that she'd want to be by you now too.

To me, it sounds like a perfect world would be for you to be able to breastfeed when you want, but also be able to have your baby take the bottle whenever you want PLUS be able to get enough sleep (your husband included).

I would say that it's definitely possible to have all those things. We actually have a similar situation right now, but our son is about 6 mos. Here's what I remember from when he was the age of your little one:
I breastfed exclusively and had him in bed with us for about his first month (4 to 5 wks.) of life. After that, we were able to pretty easily transition him to a crib. Believe it or not, he actually slept the entire night! (That is, if you count waking at 4:30 am as the entire night. Hey, that was okay with me! :) We recently did our own little bed-sharing experiment. My LO has been sleeping on his own for months now, but after reading the latest issue of Mothering magazine, we decided to try one night with him in bed with us. It was horrible. He woke every two hours and all three of us were worse off in the morning. I figure, he must be eating enough before bed an immediately upon waking to physically and psychologically keep him "full and satisfied" through the night.
Also, we tried a bottle at 2 weeks and have kept it up at least twice a week since then. As far as weird sucking noises when at the breast, sometimes I just reposition him so that he's getting more of the nipple in his mouth or I'll take it away completely until he "wants it" enough to get a vigorous suck. Lastly, even though it's not ideal, maybe once a week or so, either my husband or I went to the bed in the basement (or the couch) just to get better sleep. We didn't want it to become permanent, but just one good night of sleep made such a difference for my husband when our little one was very young.

Anyway, the whole point of me telling you my story was to let you know that I think you can achieve the same balance. First of all, don't stress out about it. Sure, it's the end of Jan. and you feel like you need to fix the bottle issue soon. Just don't give up. Say you try giving her the bottle today and he/she just flat out refuses. Try again tomorrow. And if it fails tomorrow, try it the next day. Maybe just put a little milk in at a time. Also, you can try to quickly substitute the bottle once your LO has been at the breast for awhile. It's kind of a sneaky trick, but it may work.

The next trick is the transition to a crib. Yes, it can be tricky, but use your motherly intuition to make it an easy transition for your LO...that is, if you choose to do so. It worked for us. I know it doesn't work for everyone. Anyway, I wish you all the best. Have a cup of chamomile tea and relax. ;)

I agree you should tackle one problem at a time. It sounds like taking a bottle is the most immediate issue. Try giving bottles of breastmilk several times a day (hungry/not hungry tired/not tired/just woke up, etc). Try different bottles & nipples. Try different people giving it while you leave the room/house. The one that worked for us - offering it before she was upset and starving and having her upright on my shoulder instead of laying how she would if she were nursing. It was tough to reach around my shoulder (may need help), but it was the only way she'd take it at first. I also had to stay standing up and even slightly moving or bouncing to keep her calm. You never know what might work until you try it. Once you get that, I think you will feel much less overwhelmed and you can work on the other issues. Good luck!

B.,
You've had a lot of good advice, so I'll try not to repeat and simply be your cheerleader. You are doing a wonderful thing to breastfeed your daughter, and YES it will bring you closer together! She looks to you for that comfort and that food - she will be attached to you for some time whether or not you are feeding from the breast! Keep trying to have your husband give her a bottle (with a wide nipple and slower flow to simulate the breast) so that she'll get more and more used to it. If she refuses to take a bottle from your husband or mother (while you're there), just feed her with your breast and try again later. Don't stress! This is such a natural thing that you're doing, and it's the best thing for your baby. Don't worry about the co-sleeping thing either. She's young enough that it won't make a bit of difference. Eventually, she will learn to self soothe, but those days are far away, and you need not worry about them yet.

Just do what comes naturally to you! And keep trying! You're doing a great job and your body (and baby) will tell you what to do.

Best of luck (and patience),
Amy K

Here is a couple things that worked for me to get my breast fed baby to take the bottle. My baby would not take the bottle from me-ever until after going to daycare. But to get my baby to take the bottle from someone else I had to be out of sight and the bottle had to be warmed up. Also, I had to make sure the baby did not hear my voice. I wouldn't be worried about spoiling the baby and a sleep routine until about 3.5 to 4 months old. My baby would only go to sleep being nursed but now he falls asleep at night time on his own. He is 3.5 months old.

Yes, you are stressed out! Ok, the bottle thing. Try to find a bottle that most resembles the breast. Avent with a dome shaped nipple is good. The problem with when she has ate from a bottle is I don't think that she latched properly to it. It took a long time in order to teach my in-laws when they watched my daughter to make sure that she is opening her mouth wide enough. They will be lazy with the bottle, but you don't want to get sore nipples when you nurse either. I slept with all 3 of my kids for different intervals. My middle daughter is not much of a cuddler so she didn't last long in bed with us. It was hard for my husband because he was never exposed to breast feeding. I had to keep my 'areas' separate too. Even during sex I kept my bra on. I just had to have that separation and my husband did feel at times that everyone was getting the good stuff but him. I was trying to sleep as much as possible. I worked full time as did he, but I did 90% of the infant responsibilities. He felt left out. I just had to make myself try to lay the babies down in their crib for a little while just so we could have adult time. It gets annoying when you can't have a conversation without looking to see what the baby is doing or someone else is going 'mom, can I have some juice?' Your husband probably feels that he's working so hard that he isn't able to enjoy the fruits of his labor. His family is why he works so hard. He just wants to enjoy all of them.
Wear a t-shirt to bed and when you want your husband to give the baby a bottle, have him drape it over his shoulder and you need to disappear from her. When I first went back to work after having my daughter I did this and the daycare provider said it was great. Good Luck!