Reestablishing Stability and Sanity in My Household..... HELP!

I feel for you! I don't have much advice but some hope for you:

A few years back, my husband and I arrived in the USA, so he would get a graduate degree, while continuing working full time. Once here, I applied for school too (I was also working full time, from home) and discovered a week later I was pregnant!
I lowered my course load so I would graduate in 3 years instead of 2. My son was born in May, just before the final exams and projects! The pregnancy and first months were OK (I would work while carrying my son in a sling).
As my son grew, it became very difficult to be working full time and studying while being caring for him. I changed to part time (6 hours a day) and then, when I got pregnant for the second time, I went to only 4 hours a day of work. Our schedule was hectic because we could not afford a babysitter and had no family here to help us. My daughter was born 6 weeks before graduation, again in the middle of the crazy final exams period!
My husband took nice pictures of me at commencement, in my gown and breastfeeding! To this day, I don't know how we survived these 3 years.

My daughter is now 16 months. My husband landed a much better paid job. I got founding to launch my own company, enough to get a comfortable salary, too and we even have a full-time nanny taking care of the kids while I still work from home.

So hang in there. A better future awaits!

Some tips (I haven't followed them all myself but wish I would or could have):
- Get some help if you can afford it, even a couple of hours every 2 weeks can be a huge relief. Get help for things you don't want to do. Better having someone cleaning the house or fold the laundry while you enjoy library story time with your son than the contrary!
- Set periods of time (even very short ones like 3 x 10 minutes) when you focus ONLY on your child and follow his lead (whether it's pretending to be a firefighter, make a puzzle or just cuddle with a song or story). During this time, no cooking, phone calls, cleaning around, studying...
- Try to involve your son in what you do as much as you can (he can pair the socks when you fold the laundry, help loading/unloading the dishwasher, wash the veggies...).
- Set time aside just for your husband and also some time (on week-ends?) for the family, like a walk in the park...
- Give lots of positive reinforcement to your child. He acts out because he craves the attention. Show him you notice what he does, feels, .... and praise him a lot whenever possible
- What may have saved my sanity: on Sundays, we would (my husband and I) take some time off school and work and we would nap for an hour or so with our son, either the 3 of us in our big bed as a family, or just the 2 of us as a couple. Gave me the energy I needed for the week.
- Basically, you need to take care of your son, your husband/relationship, your job, your studies, your house. Set priorities. For 3 years, our house was a mess and I couldn't care less!
- Check your online time (if I don't set a timer when on mamapedia, I could easily spend 2 hours just reading and answering questions instead of getting on the floor with the kids. This site is addictive, as some others are too!). Ditto TV (not my problem, we don't even have one!)
- It doesn't work for me but some of my overworked friends swear by power naps (10-15 minutes after lunch to reset their batteries)
Note that all these tips are also valid for your husband!
Good luck!

I'm glad you're looking for some positive way to handle things before they get worse. Some of the behavior you describe is actually within the range of "normal" for a 4yo. You're probably just getting more of it because of your unsettled schedules.

You will almost certainly get advice to crack down, win the battle, be the mom, etc. Because many children will actually react even worse to being treated in ways that so sorely disrespect their legitimate needs, I hope you will first investigate the empathetic approach to parenting.

Since my grandson was approaching 3, we've been using the brilliant tips taught in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The wisdom in this book, and the effectiveness of the easy-to-understand ideas, make it a resource you reach for repeatedly. Find out how your son can himself come up with, "own", and implement many solutions to his own problems.

This is not lenient parenting, just mutually-respectful problem-solving. My grandson, now 4.5, has really internalized his own sense of responsibility, self-respect, and a desire to be a cooperative part of a family that works.

Before you completely scotch the idea of pausing your own education, consider how terribly important these early years with your son are. "Logic" may not trump legitimate needs. You're laying the groundwork for his whole future life over the next two or three years. Is there any possibility to cut back on your credit hours so your son's needs don't have to go wanting? If that's not doable, I agree that you could use some good, loving, responsible help for at least a few hours a week.

Sometimes we cram so much into our lives that it is impossible to do it all. If you keep pouring water into a cup, eventually, it is not going to be able to hold it all. You have to quit trying to fit more into it than it is able to hold. Sometimes we have to do that with life.

I would sit down with your husband and try to come up with a list of short and long term goals. Your son needs to be a part of those goals. I am not, at all, saying that he isn't. But one of your goals is obviously to get educations that better your lives and how to do that while making sure he has what he needs has to be a part of that goal. Sitting down and coming up with a plan together will help you see where you need to compromise or rework things. For instance, does he need the second job and, if he does, would it be better to work on getting yourselves to a place where he doesn't and THEN going back to school so that he isn't trying to do both but one and then the other. If you are working part time and going to school full time would it be better if you did the same? The only right answer is the one that works for your family, but you will know better what that is if you and your husband sit down together and take an inventory of what you have and what you need and come up with those answers together.

Once you have that worked out then you figure out your weekly schedule. What nights he will be responsible for your son, the dinner, chores, bedtime or whatever and what nights you will. What night is his night to spend with your son and what night is yours, for instance monday is park day with dad and thursday is craft time with mommy. Make a schedule for him that is based on what you and your husband work out and make it the same every week. He can count on the same thing happening every monday, tuesday, and so on. Get a desk calendar and write it all out for him so he can see the pattern and stick it to the wall. It will let him know what he is doing today, tomorrow and for the rest of the week. It is structure he can see and that you can refer back to when he starts to get stressed out.

Do the same for him with rules. Sit down with your husband and come up with house rules that are easy to understand and follow. Make accompanying consequences and rewards. Write them out and post them. Go over them with him. This is another form of structure. Rules and boundaries can translate to order in a very disordered world. If he is as structured as he sounds then he will like having them and if you are consistent he will like that as well.

Hope this helps,

L.

I understand where you are coming from. My husband works 2-11 and I work nights every weekend plus go to school and take care of two boys. I will say the biggest thing that has helped my son is spending those extra minutes with him. If it means snoozing in his bed a couple of hours before getting up and doing homework then so be it. Also house work and cooking really goes out the window. We eat a lot of processed foods or meals that are quick but it gives me more free time. I do things like let him mix something while I'm cooking or letting him sweep the floor while I wash the dishes, even though I have to go back over it. The idea that he is helping me has calmed him down on a lot of things and even made him confidant enough to give up his binky at 3. Also, I use chick-fil-a and places like that as is outlet, I will fix dinner and take my book to chick-fil-a and let him play and get an ice cream while I glance between my book and him. Most of the time it’s in the evening and not many kids are there but he has no problem playing by himself. Good luck and if you ever need some encouragement from somebody thats in the same boat as you my e-mail is ____@____.com

Please check out www.flylady.net and get some very basic routines going in your life. I started looking at her website a couple of months ago and it has made a huge difference in how I run my household. You definitely can't keep going like this and things need to change.

You need to let something go, I'm in school as well but I am my son's full time caregiver. I was going to take 15 credits this semester but my son is having medical problems (he has complicated and complex special needs) so I dropped it down to 4 classes, which 3 of the classes I have already taken but they didn't transfer over (one was because it was only a A&P course which was a 6 week course but I had class twice a week for 5 hours a day, and now where I am at it is a semester long and there is 2 parts, and the other 2 classes is because it was a general accounting class and it was 10 years ago), because even my best friend was like you need to take care of my son first and foremost and I told her I was but she was like but you are taking a full time courses but when I told her 3 were just because they wouldn't transfer then she was like that is much better. I just don't know how your husband is working 60+ hours a week and still going to school, when does he sleep, when does he see his son? Your son should be a top priority. I know school is important to get a head in life, but even just a semester/quarter off might help out quite a bit. I did 3 classes over the summer and that stressed me out and caused the kids to start acting out, now that we have a regular schedule are able to go and do things, they are happy. All 3 of my kids will be in school this year - YEAH!! But I start school 2 weeks before they do and I have to find a sitter for them.

Good Luck!! Another good thing to look at is getting a white noise machine, some relaxation CDs or music that calms you down (for me it is either the sound of a thunderstorm, Twilight music, or Pink but that works for me and since I listen to it so much it works on the kids as well).

Unfortunately there are only 24 hours in a day and it sounds like both you and your husband are trying to fit 30 hours of stuff into that time. The 2 of you need to sit down and coordinate your priorities. Make a list of current responsibilities and time required to do them well...including time for your son, sleep, household chores, etc.Then figure out how to trim and balance. Your son needs to come first. And please make sure that your priorities include both of you getting enough sleep. Otherwise you are putting your family's safety in jeopardy. Lack of sleep combined with driving is deadly! It is just as bad as driving drunk!

There are no easy solutions here, something has to go...cut back on classes, only 1 of you be a student at a time, DH cut back on work...something has to give.

Would you consider getting a neighborhood teenager or college student
to come in a few hours a week, to relieve you of some of the household chores? Could your husband cut back on SOME of his work hours?
Don't quit school but, maybe, cut back on course load?
You can resume a full course load when DS is in school.
S.

It sounds like you have the most consistent schedule between you and your husband. Make a new schedule for your child.

As for the homework- work on it in little chunks throughout the day. I'm sure your child can occupy himself for 30 minutes at a time. =D I got my undergrad degree while pregnant with my 2 children and I survived, and graduated with a 4.0, and I did a double major. You just have to squeeze in the homework throughout the day. It's less overwhelming that way. If it's an ordeal to keep your child occupied buy or download some episodes of his favorite show and make that "tv time", if he's young enough to nap- use that time for homework.

If you have the option- sign up for online courses next term. They tend to have a lower workload, and you can pace yourself to some extent. Also, you may consider lowering your credit hours per semester to give yourself some more flexibility and to give your son more attention.

If you have friends w/ kids you can try arranging a weekly playdate drop-off where you might trade "baby sitting" for one another a couple times a week.'

I would recommend "Happiest Toddler on the Block" to help you learn how to acknowledge, respect, and neutralize his temper and acting out.

Good luck

That reminds me- I'm sure your plate is very full already- but a little bit of "special" time with mommy and daddy can go a long way. Give him 1 thing each week to look forward to. Whether it's a trip to the toy store, ice cream at the parlor, or just making story time every night SPECIAL- just figure out what makes him feel loved and do it.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/personal-profil...

My first piece of advice would be to let something go. Does your husband really need to work 60+ hours a week? Do you really need a part time job on top of that? Do you both really need to be in school right now? If any of those can be let go, at least for a time, I would start there. Beyond that it might help all of you to set up a daily schedule. Write a schedule and post it in the kitchen or some other family area. You don't have to attach times, but something like - Wake up, Brush teeth, Have breakfast, etc. Since your son probably can't read, picture cues are great at this age. (A picture of a bed or sunrise, a toothbrush, a bowl of cereal, etc.) This will help your son to know what's coming next and keep you all on track.

Regarding the behavior piece is to tell him "I can tell your upset right now but it's not ok to throw your toys", acknowleding his behavior helps him see what he is doing. Keep everything postive as possible. For example, don't say no running in the house...say quiet feet are used in the house. Use a immediate reward system for him. Kids at a young age can't wait a week for a reward. If you want bad behavior to stop or even good behavior to keep it going you need to postive reinforce it. Try using stickers and making a chart so he can see what a good job he is doing or having small healthy snacks around the house for those "atta boys"...This is what I have learned so if it works great if not i'm sorry lol...I hope it does some good. Oh another thing find a support group and get some Mommy time as well as give him his time as well...he needs his time as much as we need our time. Good luck and let me know if this was any help :) K.

My Husband, works full time and goes to school. I don't.
IF we both worked and/or went to school... that would simply not be, the best for our kids.

JUST only my Hubby working and going to school.... is a big enough strain on me and the kids.
I know how it is. And, my kids are old enough to say things like "Why does Daddy have to be working even if he's home?" "We miss Daddy...", "Daddy, can't you just play with us today?" , "Daddy is always busy...." etc.
For me as the Spouse of a working/student Husband... I am like a SINGLE parent. Because, he is so busy.
He does make time for the kids. But he also, gets lack of sleep, works hard, works day and night, studies hard, goes out with Buddies, may not always do things around the house consistently or have time for 'us' and the kids everyday or every night. Things gets put on the wayside.

My Husband, already put school on pause... when we had our firstborn.
Now he has been back in school, part-time. The kids are older now and I am a SAHM. But even part-time, it is still VERY busy with him and school.

Pausing school may not seem like the 'logical' thing to do... for You.
BUT... for your child... it is.
As you see, he is already getting negatively affected by it.... if BOTH parents are in school and working... then, that leaves the child with no particular "regularly available" parent. At all. Because, school... takes all hours and 7-days a week, to tend to. UNLIKE a job. With a job, you do have days off and holidays. Not with school... even in on vacation, there are projects to do over breaks... too. And winter or summer sessions. It is around the year. Year round.

Because BOTH parents are in school... and Hubby working 2 jobs and HIS lack of sleep which affects mental and health aspects... then.... your son... is like a satellite floating around what is happening.

When a child is in their formative years... they need at least a consistently 'available' parent... there. Or, they will be like a latch-key kid even if both parents are home... because they are busy. And not available to the child. I know its tiring your/Hubby's schedule... but, its not good, to only look forward for your son to go to bed at the end of the day... just because everything else is stressful. For You.

But imagine, how it is and feels like for your Son. A child... who does NOT have "coping-skills' yet, because of his age. Kids, unlike adults, do not have coping-skills for stress or sadness.... their way of dealing with it... is acting out. It is a 'cue' of what is going on inside him.

You/Hubby are stressed yourselves, about your lives/schedules. And you are an Adult and you are here looking for advice to make it easier.
But imagine your son.... if you yourself have trouble keeping everything together... how can your son, be 'expected' to do the same... as a child?
He cannot.

My Hubby, returned to school... because my kids are older now and I am a SAHM. If not, he would not have... for him, it is important that at least 1 parent... is there,consistently, for our kids. IF not, then he would not sacrifice their well being. He, as a child... was pretty much not tended too, even though his Mom was a SAHM. He was on his own. His parents were busy. They thought he could just hang out and amuse himself. He had a nice childhood... but, as an adult NOW... He KNOWS, that in comparison and in retrospect... his parents, did not really spend quality time on him. At all. And, he does not look back on it, fondly. He said, his parents were ignorant... it was the culture and the Era at that time. But, that he would not do that to his own kids. As such, he is more hands-on... as much as his work and school schedule allows. BUT again, I am home with our kids. So 1 parent is always with them and for them.
That is the difference.

I think, your son is not acting out to be 'bad.' He is crying out for help. He is SO young... is troubled, and no matter his personality for structure or not.... any child, would 'feel', the missing of their parents and know that they are TOO busy and not really there... but always preoccupied with other 'adult' stuff and 'priorities.'

You need to discern... what is best for your son.
He is not an adult. Kids, simply cannot cope with the crazy/busy lives of adults sometimes. It is normal and developmental. I think... his mis-behavior, is simply an attempt at trying to feel more secure.

all the best,
Susan

You're doing too much and it's obviously affecting your son. You need to let something go and focus more on your family.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” ***Albert Einstein***

You've gotten several good suggestions already. I'm in school, working, and raising a child also.

Could you find a "mother's helper"? By that, I mean a child (probably a girl) in the neighborhood about 10 or 11 years old who likes to play with a younger child while you are home, and isn't old enough to expect to be paid as much as a babysitter. That could give your son some attention and you some homework time during the day.