Relationship Advice... - Bellevue,NE

If he's not helpful now I don't think he will change.
I am sorry for what you are going threw.

I wish you the best.

A marriage can happen without a ring. I'm sorry but it sounds like he's getting all the benefits of a wife and kids without having to do any of the work. I feel for you being pregnant. Who watches your 2 year old while you work? Do you have family to support you, emotionally and perhaps financially? You will be SO much more exhausted after baby arrives, it is a LOT more work than you can imagine taking care of both a toddler and a baby. I'm afraid if your boyfriend's not stepping up to the plate now he's going to be even less involved once number two comes along. I'm trying to be positive by saying that you need to prepare yourself. Maybe he will change but men usually don't.

The best advice anyone ever gave me is to "pick where you want to end up and work backwards from there". Is the kind of person you want to spend the rest of parenthood with? I am sure your BF has good qualities or you wouldn't have been with him. However he doesn't sound like he has as many good qualities as a husband/father. I think you need to get into some counseling and work out with him if he is in this for the long run. I agree with Teresa that he has the benefits of a family without the commitment. My friend bought their rings (simple bands) on Amazon for like $35. You can always buy something nicer later. Have you talked with him about it when he isn't sleeping?

Although you are looking for a positive advice, you do not bring positive scenarios in regard to your boyfriend. First, I posted before in your request of breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding. According to your boyfriend, bottlefeeding was the solution and you wanted to try breastfeeding. Second, he comes with the "excuse" of not marrying you because he has not the money to buy you a ring. That is plain and simple BS. Third, he lately says he wants to marry you to give to his second child his last name, but not because he loves you...and where did he leave the "ring excuse" ? and is the second one more important than the first? Where are you in the picture? Listen, I do not know what type of job your partner does, but if you are able to deal with your daughter and the house, in your days off, while he sleeps 'til 10:30 am or later, why he does not help? Pretty much you, seem to me, are by yourself. I will be realistic with you, things are much harder with a second child than with one child. If you already asked your "sleepy beauty" 5 times to get off the bed, be ready to ask him 10+ times to get off the bed. You will loose your sanity and will be miserable. Having a partner in order to have a family is not like going with a boyfriend for ice-cream. It is a mayor commitment that last until you leave this world. I honestly do not see this in your comments and in his attitude. Be honest with yourself and do not look for validations through others. You probably know what to do. You family does not leave very far. An hour is still manageable. Stand still and do what you have to do for the wellbeing of you and your children. Think about it.

Okay, I know you said positive advice, but honestly, he sounds like a husband, and it will only get worse with a ring! I mean that sort of jokingly and mostly seriously. I think when men feel like they have to stop competing for our affections, things get different. That can happen in any relationship, marriage or not. If you truly love him and you feel as though you will/can/should be married, then start working on things now. Go to counseling. If you can't do that then seriously have a sit down with him and explain things. Make a schedule of things and expect compromise, especially with getting up to help with the kids. Is working days an option for either of you? If so, it might be something to consider. It won't solve the problem, but it might make it easier to deal with and you'll have one less thing against you. Relationships are hard and kids make them 10X harder. My husband and I never argued or fought about anything, but having kids makes things stressful and most of our fights are not necessarily about the kids, but about how one of us feels about how the other is or isn't responding to the kids, their needs, the situation, the household, etc. You problems are not unique I'm afraid, but that doesn't diminish them! Try a real heart to heart, if that doesn't work, bring in a third party! Good luck, you can get through it!

I agree with the advice to talk to a counselor. Most companies have an Employee Assistance Program associated with their health insurance. It provides free, short-term counseling for all kinds of issues. Ask your HR person at work. I know where my brother worked you got three sessions for free with a counselor. It could help you work our your feelings.

Has your boyfriend always been this way or is this new behavior? If it's the same as always, well, he's probably not going to change. If it's new, maybe he's having problems - depression, etc.

Is it possible that he doesn't feel capable to take care of your daughter? Some guys have trouble admitting that. I really want to tell you that this guy is a jerk and to get out, but I have to think there is some reason you are with him. Women always hope our guys will change and get mad when they don't. I think a counselor can help you figure out if it's worth it to keep this man in your life. If he's not giving you practical or emotional support, what benefit is there to being with him? It sounds like he's just giving you stress. I know I'm repeating myself, but unless this is a recent change in him, I don't know how good the chances are that he'll be the man you want him to be.

I was in a relationship with a guy who was totally not dependable, but I loved him so I stayed. Thank goodness I did have children with this man (boy). I finally figured out that although he loved me on some level, he was mostly using me to have the life he wanted at home. He would go out, come home late and not call, not show up when he was supposed to be there. I finally realized that he would never change. I broke it off and made sure I would never allow myself to be treated that way again. I met and married a guy who treats me with respect and who is an equal parent to our son. Other women tell me I'm "lucky" but I feel that I made up my mind to not settle for someone who didn't love me enough to try to be the man of my dreams just like I am trying to be the best wife and parent I can be.

We women always seem to do more of the giving and I guess we hope our guys will do it too if they love us. I think you need to decide if this man adds enough to your life to cancel out what he takes away from it. I'm so sorry you are in this situation - it is easy for me to talk because I have no idea what it's like to have these problems and have children in the picture. I will be thinking of you and I wish you the best of luck. I just want to add that you are probably much much stronger than you think you are.

I would suggest you 2 get some counseling or see a pastor....or something. Doing the same thing, the same way, all the time is getting you the same results. Sounds like it works fine for him but not for you.

I know you want a happy, healthy family...you and he both need to talk about that with someone.

A couple of thoughts...

It sounds like he is tired from working a lot and you are tired from working a lot and being pregnant and spending more time caring for your daughter. None of this sounds unusual to me. My husband works evenings and has struggled with sleep issues since he was kid. This means we put our kids to bed late, I stay up later with him so we can "see" each other, and I still get up early for work, work all day, have the kids in the evening when he is at work, and the whole process repeats itself. He sleeps late Saturdays since it is his only day to sleep in (I wake up early whether I want to or not--body programming), and he works 10 hours on Sundays, so misses church with me and the boys. Sometimes I am frustrated that I am the one up in the mornings, but if he is home and I am worn out, he lets me take an afternoon nap. I have given up on seeing my husband before noon, but it is usually closer to 1 or 1:30 on Saturdays.

Your boyfriend might be fine with helping more if you were less insistent that he get up early. Men need a social life just as women do, and being homebodies is more natural for most women than men, or at least we deal with it better. I send my husband out with friends whenever I can (or we can afford it) since we can't afford a babysitter for a date. We wait until family is in the area and try to go out alone every few months.

I also thought it was strange that you are not married because of a ring. That seems a rather weak reason and I would not be content with that. We got married with a $40 license and a $40 fee for the justice of the peace when we were in college. Six months later we had a religious/ family ceremony with wedding bands. There is nothing wrong with no ring or a less expensive ring.

If your relationship is solid and it sounds like you want to stay together as a family, you need to sit down together and agree to support each other. He might be willing to stay home and let you go out alone if you asked him. I guess this is not terribly helpful, but it sounds like things are fairly normal as far as schedules go and you are more fatigued being pregnant so need to remind him of that. Opposite schedules are rough on families and everybody feels like they are more put upon and do more in different areas and it is easy to fall into "I do this and you don't do that" arguments. Such arguments are fruitless and just cause more hurt and anger. If you are seriously considering marriage you might consider going to a church counseling program. They would probably be affordable and could help you work on your relationship before marrying.

I would get some counselling, even if he won't go. It will be a good way for you to get your feelings out and get some validation for the way you feel.
It seems to me there is an imbalance in your relationship and it's very difficult for that to not add up to resentment.
No relationship is truly ever 50/50, but you should be able to find a balance that benefits you both and makes you both happy, which in turn, will make for a healthy family.
I was with my daughter's father for 6 years when I got pregnant. He refused to marry me because he was "afraid of needles and getting a blood test".
There are plenty of places you can get married that don't require that, it was an excuse. Plain and simple. The one and only time he mentioned getting married was so that he could "use" me and the baby for tax purposes. Oh....how romantic. I'm glad I never married him. He left me for another woman when our baby was a year and a half old. He decided having a family just wasn't what he wanted. I basically summed it up by telling myself, "Why should be buy the milk when he could get the whole damn cow for free?"
He may or may not change, but maybe with counselling, you can find ways for him to at least take part in the raising of your kids, married or not.
It sounds like if you ask him to get up, he can be stubborn and just lay there.
All I know is that things will be a lot harder on you with two kids and if he won't help you, there will be twice the resentment and it seems his only worry is that your second child will have your ex husband's last name. That should be the least of his worries. Wedding rings? My daughter's grandparents were too poor to exchange rings and they've been married 60 years. They worked hard and obtained wealth and she picked out a stunner on their 25th anniversary. So the rings have nothing to do with it. You can buy matching silver bands for $15 each if the ring is the hang up. But, I think there's something deeper going on there. It sounds to me like he's got a fear of committment or he feels that just by being there it's committment enough.
You need his help through this. Married or not. If he can't understand that, I don't know what to say. A relationship takes two people, that's all I know.
And I do know how tired a person can get working so much. I've been a single mom a long time. Some days, I just want to sleep on my days off, but I have kids. So, you get up and you do what you have to do.
Find a relationship counselor to talk to and invite him to go so that you can both communicate both sides of your feelings. Like I said, if he's not willing, go for yourself.
Get support that way if you can't get any from him.
Hang in there and find the support and validation you need.
Hopefully, he will come around and be willing to help you when the baby arrives, but if he doesn't, you will not feel alone and you can make choices for yourself. You can go along with things the way they are or you can change them. With or without him.
Just don't get discouraged. You have a baby coming. You need your rest and you need not to be stressed out. Take care of yourself. Feed yourself and your little one, do laundry for yourself and your little one, let him fend for himself and sleep all day and see how he likes it.
My mom called it "going on strike" when my dad got a little too self absorbed. He got the picture.
Anyway, I wish you luck and the main thing is for you to take care of yourself and your babies. Your boyfriend is old enough to take care of himself.

No offense, and best wishes!

have u ever thought u r going to look after 3 babies in future. Men never grow, they always remain boys. and he refuses to share any kind of responsibilities with you which you both are bringing in the world together. i believe you have more to offer to yourself than to him and his set of responsibilities. in all this i dont see him sharing his life with you at all.

Well marriage is definately not a ring- but a commitment so if he wants to do it, make it happen without the ring. In terms of stepping up to the plate- try to talk through this before the "heat of the moment"- we've had to have these discussions in our house as well. It isn't that he didn't care about me or our kids, but that he had not adjusted to our new world. It definately doesn't get easier with two, and there will always be these fights. Commit yourself to one another if that is what you both want and start to talk through these issues- your relationship will be stronger because of it, and your kids will be much better off to see their parents dealing with things in a healthy manner rather than yelling at each other.

Updated

Well marriage is definately not a ring- but a commitment so if he wants to do it, make it happen without the ring. In terms of stepping up to the plate- try to talk through this before the "heat of the moment"- we've had to have these discussions in our house as well. It isn't that he didn't care about me or our kids, but that he had not adjusted to our new world. It definately doesn't get easier with two, and there will always be these fights. Commit yourself to one another if that is what you both want and start to talk through these issues- your relationship will be stronger because of it, and your kids will be much better off to see their parents dealing with things in a healthy manner rather than yelling at each other.

It's too easy to grow restful and while in any relationship there's a stronger one and a weaker one, there should still be balance. Maybe you need to step back and think what does he bring to your family and to you. Are you okay with that for the rest of your life? You're going to have to accept his behavior or draw the line. People don't change easily and hardly, but I'm always hopeful. If you're both in in then try whatever you can so that both of your needs are being meet. I wish you the best.