Relationship Issues - Ellwood City,PA

No offense to anyone, but this is a situation in which I think if you were married, he'd be more inclined to stay & work it out. Right now he's getting the milk for free, and has no reason to truly commit. I think it makes it easier for him to say "Im leaving" for the umpteenth time, because he didn't make an official commitment. And he knows that you will accept him back with open arms. If my DH said he was leaving me & then tried to get me to "co-exist" with him to make things easier on HIM, I would tell him to get the frick out. Sometimes you just shouldn't be with someone, and that's ok. You can't force someone to want to be with you. You need to love YOU enough to realize that. And yes, continue with the counseling.

When I was dating, there were many men who wanted a commited relationship from me. I was close to several men but when they wanted to go toward marriage, I broke it off. I knew I was never going to marry them. I knew I wanted more. I didn't want to string them along.
When I met the one I was to marry, I knew and was not still looking.
He was the one and I was done.
I think he knows he is not going to stay with you.

I wish I knew... when my ex decided he wanted a divorce he was telling people we were getting divorced before he even told me he wanted one!! The day he told me he wanted a divorce I thought he couldn't possibly be serious! We had a baby and a had just moved into a new house. WHAT? (This was before I found out about his affair w/my friend).

Overall I am doing well now 5 years later, but I can understand your sentence, "I feel so cheated" b/c even though our marriage wasn't all that great etc. there are times I feel cheated. I will sometimes think, how did I become a divorced woman? Like you said, I will think about how can some make it work and some can't find happiness.

BUT... on my better days I see that I have made happiness; just not how I expected. If it does come down to a split don't forget about YOU. I got divorced and thought my world was over. Here I am living in my own place, I have a nice car, I'm almost done with school, I'm pursuing a career I love, my son is happy and healthy. So, not in the way I thought, but I have found happiness.

No matter what happens you will find happiness. I hope that you can come to the best possible outcome. Best of Luck to you!!! :-)

You've been together for 6+ years, but are not married. Is this part of the equation? If you don't want to get married that's fine, but if he doesn't want to get married and you do (even if it's someday), you should have ended this relationship years ago, as he is never going to make that type of committment to you. If he doesn't want to work at the relationship, then don't try to force it. Let him move on, in the long run you'll be much better off. Make sure you have all your legal documents in order, lease/rental agreement, child support, etc.

You were saying you two are having financial problems. But you didn't ask about financial problems and how to solve them. If you think financial problems are causing the relationship problem, then address the financial problems.

IF you get back together and YOU want committment, get married. To a man, or at least most men, marriage means committment. Other wise its just free sex.

If you get married and want to know how your husband thinks, read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." If you want your husband to gain insite how women think, give him the book after you read it.

BTW, "Fireproof" is a good movie, and its companion manual "The Love Dare" will teach you and your friend how to strengthen a relationship.

Good luck to you and yours.

I urge you to get into counseling. Go, even if he won't go. This will help you feel more confident and in control.

I suggest that there is more to this than what your boyfriend is telling you and that is one reason you're so upset. At least for me, not knowing the whole picture throws me off balance. And counseling has always helped me manage better with less depression.

It's easier to "break it off" if you're not married. Maybe he needs time away to sort things out. I'd consider not living together if it's an on/off relationship. Sometimes giving all the marriage benefits without the marriage can backfire. Maybe consider just being BF/GF without the marriage set up will help. Try to be strong and let him do what he needs to do. He'll realize what he has and come back. I wish you the best. I know you're hurting! Good luck to you!!

I'm really sorry things aren't working out, and I'm glad you're getting counseling.
If your family and friends are telling you that you are better off without him, then you probably are.
Personally I wouldn't let him "coexist" with you, I think that makes it SO much harder! If he wants out then he needs to LEAVE and figure things out on his own.
You may not want to hear this but I bet he has started seeing someone else. Men don't usually leave of their own free will unless they already have something else lined up, ie, another woman.
Stay strong, keep up with the counseling. You deserve something better than this! (btw, I'm basing my advice on some of your previous posts, he does not sound like a respectful and loving man.)

Hon, I know you thought it would work. But do you really want a man who thinks he doesn't want you?
You deserve better.
Make sure you get child support.
Kick him to the curb.

I think this is the classic "actions speak louder than words". He has not married you so he has made it clear that he didn't want that committment. and you admit that you are not sleeping with him and he isn't happy about it so he is probably starting to look elsewhere. In reading this I thought you were very young (like early 20's) but then you said you both have been divorced before and he is older with older kids and your profile says you are 37. So I guess althought this seems to be a surprise to you it really shouldn't be. I would talk to him and see if there is any way you guys can work it out. Also get the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr, Laura Schessinger. It gives some good insight on men and how they think. Good luck.

Hi, L.:

Okay, so you say you cry all the time.
He wants more affection.
You say, you can't give it to him because you are so
depressed and anxious.

Do you love him? Are you in love with him?
Conflict comes when needs aren't being met.
His needs aren't being met. Y'all rent off his parents so will you have to move?

Are you in denial about his needs? You say you're waiting for this to blow over. Don't wait. Ask him what you can do to make things better.

Just a thought
Good luck
D.

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I feel bad for you honestly, but unfortunately a relationship that consists of two people who live together, make a baby a say they're a family without the commitment of marriage is a little broken to begin with. Without vows, there absolutely no true commitment - you're both free to do whatever you wish. I'm no prude or religeous fanatic or anything - I've shacked up myself in the past! But when you don't make a commitment to each other, you can't have any expectations. Heck, most of the time expectations aren't high for married folks either but at least you've made vows before God. That's a strong motivator. Good luck to you - I hope things work out.

I think this is 7-year itch, and normal. If you want to save your family, don't listen to those who tell you you'll be better off if the father of your child leaves. It's short-sighted and it's not considerate of your son. Coexist, as he requests, while you get to work fixing all the problems. More sex, get creative with money, look for more lucrative work. Be amazing, meet his needs, save your family. I think it may inspire your boyfriend to do the same.

Edited to Add: We who have great relationships don't coast, and we get that relationships change over time, and we don't try to change each other, and we don't take advice from people who don't have happy marriages. Divorce is contagious.

It almost sounds like you need to change things up just a little. Its almost like you've hit a rut or something. I know that my husband says if I don't have sex with him for 6 weeks then he will cheat. We've changed things up just a little bit. Maybe you both need to find things to do without eachother once in awhile.
my parents have been married 40 years and they travel a lot, still act silly to eachother. My In-laws on the other hand don't go out and do things and their marriage is not good. All they do is gripe at eachother about every little thing.
Good luck! Follow your gut so you know what to do. Ask god what he thinks and he will lead you in the right direction. You can and will get through this. Keep your friends close because they are your support system. If this relationship does end hang out with friends a lot because they will get you through this.

I agree with 8kidsdad that you should work on fixing the financial problems. I know that when my husband and I worked out our financial problems (thanks to Dave Ramsey), we got a lot closer because we had a common goal and were on the same page about how to spend our $.

You could attend a Financial Peace University near you.
http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/locate-class/

We plan to some day. We read his book The Total Money Makeover (actually it was the audio version) and followed his advice- I can't say enough about it :) My husband loved it and went on to read just about all his other books. I'm sure it's available at your library.

You can also listen to his radio show for free (both live and archived material) through his website. Financial stuff usually bores me to tears, but I really enjoy listening to his show.
http://www.daveramsey.com/radio/home/#listenlive-tab

His website also has lots of free information (under Tools).

Best wishes!! =o)

If he's broken up with you, please, please don't allow him to freeload off of you and live with you until he can find a place. If that apartment belongs to his family, then you can pack up your stuff and get a place of your own. Of course things will be worse financially for both of you by breaking up... there won't be two incomes any more... but that's not a reason to stay together. Right now he's using you.

Don't wait for him to decide to take you back. Take control of your life and don't let him be in control any longer. He's been dicking you around long enough. He breaks up, he decides he wants to get back together, you take him back. But why? Because you want a family with him specifically? Because you love him and you feel he's your soul mate? Or because you want "a" family? You want to be loved? You want the father of your child to be the one who loves you?

If you really love him and it's not just the idea of love or a fantasy of who you want him to be that you love, then suggest couples therapy to him. His response will tell you a lot. If he refuses to go, then you should go on your own. Either way, don't let him be in charge any more. This is your life and you don't deserve to wait around for him to change his mind and decide you're good enough to stick around for and love.