Relationship issues...EEEEK!

I think you would benefit from this book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, the core of the teachings is astounding! And you keep on trying until you decide you dont want to try anymore.

Hi Heid,

I'm sorry you are gong through this. I'm reading "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page and I would highly recommend it.

I am of the camp that thinks if you work on making you happy instead of working on making him make you happy ~ you will be more likely to be happy.

Good Luck!

Me and my hub can go for days without really talking to each other about anything and I know he loves me.
Maybe you two need to get away and be yourselves (not parents) for a weekend. You might be the one that has to plan that and stuff him the car to go....
Marriage can be very routine and becomes so comfortable we forget that we need to acknowledge our partner from time to time, but that doesnt mean that we don't love them or want the marriage to end.
Make a list of your needs, but also remember that another person is not responsible for your happiness.. only you are.

You keep trying for as long it takes, forever. That is what you said when you married him, you aren't dead so you can't stop trying.

The book you are reading is perfect. It did wonders for my marriage! Once you figure out your "Love language" and your spouses "love language" you suddenly know "How" to love your spouse. Before you tried, but failed because you had no clue. You were doing everything you could to love him and he did everything he could to love you, but you were speaking two different languages.
My advice is to read the book and highlight important sections that will help your hubby understand what its all about. My hubby isn't a reader, so even though he loved what the book was saying he just would never read the whole thing. So I read it and marked important areas to share with him. Worked like a charm, he stayed interested, he asked questions, he learned. We then were able to figure out our love languages and talk openly about how we receive love.
Now when I feel unloved I tell him we need to go out and do something together, just the two of us. (My love language is quality time "Do something with me) When he starts to act out and behave badly I clean the house, cook a nice supper and sit and listen to him talk one on one. ( His love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time "Listen to me without distraction for as long as it takes")
I'm not saying its easy, quite frankly I can't stand to cook or clean and I HATE sitting still and listening, I want to be up doing stuff. But now I know that I need to love my husband in a way that he can receive it, its not about me its about him. After I show him love in his own language his behavior and attitude instantly change. His love tank is full and it shows.

Now, since he's a man he doesn't always pick up on when my love tank is running on empty, so I tell him. "Hon, my love tank is empty we need to go out together." and he makes it happen. He knows he needs to give me love the way I receive it, he feels loved so he wants me to feel loved too. It works!

You said your husband is an amazing dad and helps around the house. Those are two amazing qualities he has! I am wondering what the issues are between you two - you didn't say, so it is hard for me to form an opinion since I don't know all of the facts.

Let me start by saying I am a therapist which sucks for my relationship because intellectually I know the right thing to say, its putting it into action that I struggle with. You’ve had some good suggestions but I read DNA of relationships a while back and a lot of the book has stuck with me, especially the part about choices. You make a choice to be angry, annoyed upset ect. There are obviously other underlying issues you have not divulged and you might not know what they are yet so continuing to see someone who is trained to get to the root of it will be helpful. We do date night bi-weekly, he plays poker bi-weekly, I try to spend alone time with myself when I can but I mange the household so it’s hard. I am resentful at times that my husband DOESN’T help more but then I remember I need to ask him to do things or he thinks I have things under control . Keep working on it-it will be worth it in the end

I agree with Momof3 -- Being an amazing dad and helping around the house are probably the sexiest, most attractive qualities I know of, so what's wrong between the two of you?

Those two things sound like a REALLY good start. Keep working on it. Go have some fun with him outside the home. I know every time I see my husband in a new environment it sparks a little fire that is kind of absent inside the house, where I see him every single day, doing the same things, sitting in the same spot on the couch, etc. etc. (And I'm sure it's the same for him. I can get boring too, surprisingly.)

Good advice from Grandma T. and Laurie A.

Is he the aduldt child of an alcoholic? I ask because the introverted behaviour can be a result of that. If he wasn't 'herad' as a child he learned to just shut-up. Or if he was always put down when he said something he learned to not talk. He can learn to be more expressive but it will take a lot of encouragement from you. When he talks, listen. Put down the paper, face him and really listen. Let him know what he says is important and worthwhile. Say things like that's a good idea, or I never thought about it that way. It sounds like he has some real self esteem issues and maybe thinks he's not worthy of a great relationship.
The "Road Less Traveled" books are great too a little hard to read because they are a lot like a textbook, but great info.

It is good to hear you want to make this work. Lots of people think it is so easy to just walk away.

Has he always been rather introvert? Did you know this when you married him?

What did you love about him when you were dating? Is that still there?
Some people can love someone, but just not know how to say the words..Especially if they have not had good examples of this in their own families.. Instead they show their love and devotion by being a hard worker, being faithful, being a good parent, being a good person.

If you want to hear the words, you need to just tell him.. "I love you, you are an amazing provider, I love the way you father our son. I am devoted to you and want you to be happy, but I worry that maybe you do not feel the same to me, because you never say anything to me."

"It would help me a lot, if you could tell me how you feel about me and our relationship with more words." I feel lonely and need you to tell me what you feel."

Therapy should not stop just as it was starting to work. It needs to continue until you BOTH feel you can keep up the new life. I know it takes a lot of energy, is emotionally draining and takes up a lot of precious time, but isn't a good married life worth it? Remember, you only have your children in your home for 18 years, then it will just be you and your husband. He needs to be your confidant and best friend.
I am sending you peace and Love.

Never lose hope. You are going thru a tough situation right now-but keep trying. If your husband feels that you put in the effort while you were in therapy-then maybe you should go back and give it another try.

Years ago, I said to my OBGYN that I felt as though the thrust of my marriage was the children-and he said "What's your point?" What I'm saying is-everyone feels as though they're on this treadmill of work, providing for a family, taking care of the children, sacrifice, coasting through without some romance, etc. Guess what? It's called life-do your best-focus on the good-the grass isn't greener. Don't make him read a book-you read it and hand him an outline. Take care of yourself, your children and your home-stay riveted on on the important things-because I will tell you this from experience-it will go by in a flash and if your don't continue to pour yourself into this-you will regret it someday when all you have is time to think about your mistakes. God bless you, Dear.

H.,
I left my husband because I thought my son would lead a better life not having to listen to his parents' ugliness towards each other. I was very wrong. My son has had a very difficult time dealing with being from a broken family. I thought he'd get accustomed to it. It's been 5 years and he still hasn't. He has been going to counseling for 4 of the 5 years, most of the time every week!

Divorce is romanticized. The reality of single parenthood is very hard. The reality of a child not having both parents in the home is awful. Kids really suffer in single parent families. Unless your husband is physically abusive, do what you can to stick out this tough period in your marriage.

There's a book I recommend you read - "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn. It was eye-opening for me. There's a companion book for men to read, as well - "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women" by Jeff Feldhahn and Shaunti Feldhahn, if you can get your husband to read it. Also check out "Weekend to Remember" marriage encounters by Family Life.

I am praying for you and your husband to work through this difficult time.

J.

It's not the husband, it's the relationship. In other words, it seems like you have a good husband. Leaving him wouldn't solve anything for you, because those relationship-tending skills are the things you need no matter who you are married to. Life isn't that ideal shiny, sunny, happy, perfect, easy time with ANY husband. Even people who are happily married have to work at it. But it's worth it, right?

So many women have to deal with husbands who are away for so long. How do they manage? I think to some degree they learn to take care of their feeling loved needs on their own. So they depend on friends and family and volunteering in the community to get a lot of those good feelings. But of course you need it from your spouse too, but figure out a way to get it in a way that isn't necessarily real-time and face-to-face, because there isn't the time for that. There are 2 parts to this -- we feel the need to tell a husband that we love him, and we feel the need to hear it back.

What about writing? Especially after my husband has done a LOT of traveling and I feel that my cup of love is less than full, I find that it is useful for me to write emails to my husband. I always write in a word document so that I don't accidentally send it before I am ready. First, I write out all my frustrations using as many angry words as I like, haha! Then I think about how it would be if I received such a letter, and I change it completely. Instead of writing, "WHY did you watch TV instead of talking with me when I hadn't seen you all week?" I will write, "I loved snuggling next to you last night. My bed is such a place of comfort and love when you are home, and I missed you dearly." When my writing is finally cleaned up so that it expresses only love, I send it. This process of exchanging frustrations for loving expressions is not lying. In fact, sometimes our feelings of frustration are the lies, but our frustration can grow so big in our heads that we forget our deep-rooted love. We damage our love every time we find fault with it, and we strengthen our love every time we celebrate it.

I think it's important too, not to expect too much of a gushing reply from a husband after sending such an email, because he will only see the cleaned-up email and not all the emotional turmoil involved in creating it. Really the process is about "gardening our thoughts," getting out all the weeds so that the flowers can grow.

But if he DOES reply, and it is a loving email, KEEP it. Treasure it. Make a special place to remind you of his love. This could just be some documents you keep on the desktop of your computer to open right before you check your email every day. Or you can print them out and put some pictures of you and your husband together in some kind of crafty collage on a bulletin board or something. The point is, if he doesn't have time to tell you, real-time, that he loves you as much as you need to hear it, it really does make a difference to hear it anyway. When we read love letters, it makes us feel almost just as great as hearing those words of love in real-time.

Your husband seems to love you. Keep expressing love, love, love and keep away those frustrations and I bet you will get a message of love, love, love right back at you.

It seems like he wanted therapy to be the answer, when actually therapy is a tool for relationships. Everyone else has said they take continual work, and they're right. You wouldn't just give up on wearing clothes b/c they get dirty-you wash them and dry them and then you wear them again. You don't give up on using a particular light fixture ever again b/c the bulbs you put in it continue to die. You just replace the bulb. Marriages are the same way. You don't give up because you need to work more; you continue to do the things to bring it back to a healthy, happy marriage. Maybe he (and maybe you too, I don't know-I don't know you :), just going off what you wrote) just had the wrong idea. My hubby and I loved 5 Love Languages. I asked him to read it, and think about, and tell me what he felt his primary love language is. We discussed what we thought ours were, and how we understood the other's love language would be used practically. That way, we are able to show our love to each other, and when one of us messes up and tries to use our love language for the other (instead of their love language) we are more understanding of what they are doing. And I will say I had some issues with Love & Respect (I know some who have loved it and some who hated it) so just be aware going in to that book that not everyone agrees with all the extremes it takes, or the ways that the statements could be taken to extremes.
You said, "How long do I keep trying??" The short answer is for as long as it takes. Based on what you said, I don't think you'd take divorce or separation lightly. So you work, and work. You do the best you can, and you try to help your husband understand you, b/c honestly some men really struggle with understanding women at all. Help him know what you want and what you need. You try to understand him and what he wants and needs. And you work together, and keep being willing to wash the clothes or change the light bulbs in your relationship. About 5 years ago I was ready to call a divorce lawyer. I didn't even want a separation. I wanted out of a bad marriage. Today, that man is without a doubt the love of my life and we've added another child to our home. We'd even like more in the future. But it still takes us sitting down, just us, probably at least once a month (it was more at first) and saying, "Okay, how are each of us feeling? Do we feel loved? Do we feel we need to do more loving? Do we feel our love language has changed, or that love being shown another way would help more? Are we communicating well?" and more. If you'd like to message me privately, I'll share more of the things we go over just to make sure we're on the same page. It really has been a great help in our relationship.

This pregnancy is one more reason (besides having a child already) to continue to fight for your marriage. Try to let go of bad feelings toward hubby and change the way you communicate to him. For example try to detach yourself a bit, re-set your ways to deal with him and see if it helps re-launching the relationship. I would take advantage of these "cold" days when you don't talk to each other to pretend you do not know him the way you do..pretend he is someone you don't know well and act they way you would if he were someone you just met..flatten your expectations, if you can, and just observe "from outside"...this should help you to re-learn about him and my guess is that when he'll see you acting very politely around him (I am not saying you are not polite now, but you know what I mean) in a strange kind of way, he'll be intrigued. Sometimes to learn new ways of communication you just need to break the cycle and reboot the whole thing. I hope it helps..don't give up until you've tried anything!

Keep working on your relationships. All long lasting relationships have one thing in common, ups and downs.

Your children should see two parents working, loving and caring for each other. As long as your relationship is not violent, it's good for your children to see you both working on your relationships.

Keep believing in your heart.

it soundsl like he wants to try to keep things going also as well as you. that's a good sign. some people have a hard time showing their emotions. was he this way when you married him? please don't take this the wrong way and i'm definitely not saying this with tone, but if you think you are pregnant than it can't be ALL bad right? he's a good father, he helps around the house, he's willing to do therapy and read a self-help book. the only thing he doesn't do is talk to you much? that's my idea of a perfect man LOL ;). you really don't need therapy. just site down with him and tell him what you need. every married couple goes thru rough patches. i've been thru them and (i like your husband don't discuss much) we have worked them out by staying up late and talking. letting eachother know what our feelings are and how we can help eachother and why we are feeling that way. just ask him if he still loves you. if he says yes, take it at face value and believe him. if he says no, you can either stay married as friends for your child(ren) or separate as friends if that's the best for your situation. but really if the only issue is that he's not home much because of work and doesn't have a lot to say, i say try to work it out, if there is love. and there does seem to be if you cried, and he is trying to fix the problem. good luck

Like me it sounds like your love language is Quality Time. That is hard to do when he travels or is at work for long hours. My husband and I did the therapy thing and it worked wonders for our relationship, but you (you and your husband) can't expect therapy to be a "magic wand" either. Marriage is work, there's no doubt about it and it's been two years since my husband and I were in therapy but we are still working. I would try this: Once a month, get a sitter and go out to dinner or just get a movie from Netflix. Have your husband give you his schedule so you'll know what nights work for both of you and spend time together. We have a two year old and it's not often that we get time to ourselves because our days (and nights) become consumed with taking care of our son. Make the time, get to know each other again, reconnect. What is your husbands love language? Maybe his "language" isn't being met either and this is his way of dealing with that? My husband's first love language is my fifth so I have to work extra hard to keep things happy. Give it a try and see if something changes. Remember from the book, it's not just your love language that needs to be met for the relationship to be a happy one.

Just to say right away... children do not NEED both parents being together, or even both in their lives to feel loved, cared for and happy. What they DO need is both parents contributing monetarily to their well being.

Work on it if you can, but if he doesn't put in the same amount of effort... then it seems a lost cause and moving on might be a better option for you and your child(ren).

sounds like your relationship issues are more like, he is spending time with someone else issues, and since he is letting you do the " lets fix this relationship" thing, you may not be seeing the real picture.he seems pretty passive aggressive to me, having had my share of that personality type.
so before you try yet another therapy session with him,stop and think about life after this guy, dont get me wrong, men who are great fathers are few and far between, but a relationship where only one person is working on it, isnt much of a relationship.now, exhale and go find out if the rabbit has died
K. h.

I didn't read everything but here's another thought that I didn't see mentioned.
We all get a little crazy when we're pregnant. Even when we try to be level headed and logical, it sneaks up on us.
If you truly ARE pregnant, this would be a bad time to make a long-term decision. It might just be a touch of the crazy sneaking up on you. :)