Relationship with Parents Changed After Having Kids?

When I had kids my parents do not acknowledge me as much, if any. I was never really close to my mom and now she almost totally ignores me. She does not want to admit that anything I do with my kids is right but the minute they screw up it is all because of me.

Um, no, mine did not change.
It just matures in relationship.

I guess for you, the thing is to figure out WHY you are feeling that way about your parents.

Maybe expectations of how you want them to act or not, now that you have kids?
You said, there is nothing specific that's happened or changed.
Maybe, it is about 'ideals' and 'expectations'? and how that is not synchronized with what really is.

Expectations... often are what creates conflicts. Because it is either attainable or not. Realistic or not.

My relationship has changed as they now see me as an adult. It really isn't about me any more (I'm grateful for that actually).

Looking back five years, when I was pregnant I was completely annoyed with my mom. She had all these feelings (positive) about me being pregnant and I felt very private about what was happening to me and my future. When my daughter was a baby there was period of adustment about her role in my and my daughter's life, how she could help, when to hold back, etc, etc. Now, I believe she is incredible. There was a period of adjustment regarding expectation, mine and hers.

In some areas, I parent differently than my mother, probably in response to the way I was parented - it wasn't bad, just needed something different than what she gave - and I have suspicions that my daughter will parent different than I do in response to what she received. Its a funny cycle if we don't catch ourselves: parenting the way we would have wanted to be parented, thinking that is what our children need.

Don't know if this answers your question, but wanted to address the evolution of mom/daughter relationship.

In many ways, my childhood was blessed. I spent most of my time, as a child, outdoors. I was encouraged to question and explore my environment. I was deeply loved. I am extraordinarily grateful that I was born to my parents.

My childhood was also challenging, in some ways. I made meaning of my childhood, but didn't know that I had, or how I had, or what that meant. The way I ended up looking at the world, was difficult to live in. That isn't anyone's fault. It's just the way it was.

Also, the patterns and events during my early years helped inform my decisions. In turn, I made some really foolish/dangerous decisions. I also made some wonderful ones. I didn't know how to do differently (though I thought I did). That was NOT my parent's fault. They were doing their best. So was I. It was flawed and destructive at times. It was beautiful and loving at times. And that's just the way it is.

My parents are human too. I think most of us are flawed as people/parents. Mine were. I am. And...I am not mad at them. I am learning to not be angry with myself. I do recognize dysfunction though, and sometimes, I have big feelings about that.

I had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility as a kid, and felt accountable for...well, everything really. (I thought I was much more in control, until very, very recently). I thought I was in control of everything, and if something didn't go the way I wanted or thought it would/should, I was a failure. I thought that I was failing every time something out of my control had a different outcome than I wanted. It meant I hadn't worked hard enough, or that I hadn't followed through correctly, or that I just didn't see a solution and should have. I felt that I was responsible to prepare for all potential calamities. It was/is very exhausting.

It is only now, as a mother, that I have been pushed to see these patterns. I have stumbled upon my own dysfunctions. It is very humbling, to realize that (like my parents) despite my best intentions and work, my children may make similar mistakes as I have. They might be patterned in dysfunctional ways, as a result of my parenting. It is hard for me to not see that as potential failure, on my part. What I am learning, is that my job is simply to do the very best I can. To heal and parent from a balanced, whole place. My kids will probably have some issues, and hopefully, I will be equipped to support them in working it out - but I don't get to "fix" them/their lives, or determine their future. I don't get to keep them from all sadness, or their own work. Their path is not mine decide. It is my deep desire and responsibility to do everything in my power to be a healthy person and lead by example. I want to live from a place of Love, not fear. I want to better my tools. I want to be authentic, genuine, strong, and compassionate.

Realizing this, for me, brings up a lot of emotion. I sometimes grieve for myself, as a child. I also feel grateful. Sometimes, I feel angry. Often, I am angry at myself. Sometimes, I displace my anger onto my parents, or my husband, or _____. It's not comfortable for me to just be responsible for my own well being. Certain things WERE pretty messed up. AND somethings were wonderful. I sometimes think I am betraying my parents, by naming and recognizing dysfunctions.

My latest epiphany: In fact, I can have had a magical, wonderful, loving childhood - AND a dysfunctional one. One does not cancel the other out, in my situation. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to moved through my hurt and anger, and feel responsible for myself and my emotional well being as WELL as learn to be compassionate with myself and others. I am actually glad for many of the dysfunctions that are generational (in my family and in society), because it gives me an opportunity to grow/be whole/learn to be authentic. Still, sometimes I feel upset with about my childhood. I love my parents. AND I recognize they weren't perfect. They didn't fail. They were human.

Don't know if that made any sense, or is applicable to your situation. Just a piece of my puzzle that I recently came across. Regardless, I wish you well.

Well, mine pretty much stayed the same with my mom, although I appreciated and understood A LOT more than I did before I had kids...but my relationship with my mother in law changed for the worst! For the most part, we get along, but it's not without a lot of work on my part. I've noticed that with our parents now that we have kids they like to tell us what to do and how that's not the way they did it and how we grew up just fine...blah, blah, blah. You know, typical stuff. Plus, I'm all for spoiling the grandkids, but my MIL goes too far! Anyway, that's a whole other topic, but my point is, yes, things can change and maybe your mom is trying to encourage you to parent your child like she did you and that can be frustrating for anyone!

Hello H.,

I realize this response is about 6 months too late but I've been sitting on your email since you posted it not sure the best way to respond. My mom and I were best friends up until a few months before I had my daughter. Our relationship completely changed after I had my daughter. Our story is a little different, but yes it's changed. My mom took care of my cousin’s three boys while my cousin worked morning. If my cousin had stuff to do she would drop them at my mom’s house, no questions asked and my mom would keep them. I think my mom felt very taken advantage of, especially when my cousin started dating a new guy and stopped coming around and made her kids stay home. Once that happened my mom seemed less open to helping me with things; one time I was so sick I lost my voice and my mom’s response was “oh good, I get a day off then” not “do you want me to keep her so you can rest”. She did take care of my daughter for pretty much the first two years while I worked full time (she watched her 3 days a week from 7-4) and she did it for free, but nothing I said seemed to do made her feel appreciated for it. Our relationship slowly fell apart as I felt I wasn't listened to (she would feed her things I asked her not to, etc) and she felt she wasn't appreciated (she was doing this for free after all, she should be able to do what she wanted). I lost my job shortly before my daughters 2nd bday and now she's in preschool so my mom doesn't watch her full time any more, but it's been 2 1/2 years and we are still not where we were before my daughter came along. She finally confessed a few things about being resentful for having to watch her so much which has helped open the lines of communication but there is still an odd tension between us.
I think over all I do have a few issues with how we were raised and I don't want my daughter being "raised" that way and my mom takes offense to it like I’m saying she did a bad job (which I’m not). Plus my mom really did change once I had my daughter.
I’m sure this doesn't help you much, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone; some relationships do change for the worse and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I hope it's gotten better.
Best of luck!

Hi H.,

I'm not sure I have a good explanation, but I'm glad you asked the question because I feel the exact same way. I didn't have a terrible childhood or anything like that, but I have never felt close to my parents. When my husband and I started thinking about having K., it made me think a lot about my childhood, and made be realize all the ways I wanted to be a different kind of parent. I feel like my parents (especially my mom) never played with me, we never did fun activities, and I feel like I have very few childhood memories. Once I was pregnant, I thought that would bring us closer, I guess because being a parents was something I thought we'd have in common. Instead, I got a very cold response when I told my parents we were expecting. Once she was able to share with people that I was pregnant, she became very excited because SHE was going to be grandmother. Suddenly, it became all about her being a grademother and HER grandchild. She made some very insensitive and selfish comments to me the first few weeks after my son was born when all I really wanted to hear from her was that I was going to be a good mom or that I was doing a good job. She has never been good about showing any sort of empathy for others, can be extremely critical, and I think just does not know how to relate to people on a social and emotional level.

I think what S.H. said about expectations is very true. I hoped that becoming a mom my self would change my relationship with my mom and bring her closer, and when I realized the opposite had really happened, it really made me angry. Unfortuantely, I still have a hard time accepting that things are the way they are and still get upset and frustrated by it.
I now have 2 K.--a boy and a girl. I desperately want to be the kind of parent to them that I wanted my mom to be for me. I especially want that mother-daughter closeness that I wish I had with my mother.

I don't know if this answers your question other than to tell you I feel the same, but I think SH was closest when she mentioned expectations.

I have found this also. For me, although my parents adore my child, they are also very controlling and still want to be in charge even though they are the grandparents, not the parents. Even when they are trying to help they are just overly pushy. For me it is a struggle between needing their help and needing the space to be the parent and do things my own way. Good luck with your situation.

Very interesting. It may depend...do you feel resentful that your parents may be treating your kids better than they treated you? I do feel closer to my parents but I am constantly battling them as well because they want to let their grandkids run amok while we were heavily disciplined as kids. It has gotten to the point that if my children are with them I have to tell them what to feed them and exactly how much or else I have kids who are hopped up on sugar and juice from grandma. The other thing is are they hyper critical of your parenting style. I haven't experienced this but a friend of mine did have this happen with her mom and they don't speak very often because of it. Overall I think what becoming a parent has done has made me appreciate my parents more but overall I'm not sure about bringing us closer or the opposite.

Interesting. I have a mixture of feelings. I've never heard about that reliving your early years, but I guess in some ways you are.
I do visit with my parents more often now now. And in most ways that's a good thing. My son is 3 tomorrow. (So, not too far off from the age of your child.)
I feel kinda resentful though in some ways. My mom didn't take time off to come down for the birth because of work. My parents both happen to live 3 hours away, but they aren't together. My mom smokes a lot so that has become more of a problem. I have had struggles in my marriage and I don't feel like it's easy to go to my parents about things. They did a lot for my sister when my niece was born. Although, that was a different situation and my niece lived with us, it would be nice if I had more help.
Hope that things get better between you and your parents!!!!!

I'm an only child and my kids are my moms only grandkids. I was actually very disappointed in how she acted once I had kids (she is single, never married). When my oldest was born, she had a heart condition and was in NICU for 3 days. I had health issues also. My mom had offered to stay with my hubby and me the first week to "help with the baby". Well, she stayed but she didn't help with the baby whatsoever. She actually told us we needed to "learn" on our own since we were the parents. All she did all week was unpack and "decorate" our house that we had recently moved into. That was her helping. I was livid. Then that first Christmas when my daughter was 3 months old, my mom only bought her one "cowgirl
outfit and a matching cowboy at that was for like a 6 yo. She said my daughter was too little to open anything so she didn't really "need" anything. HUH? So yeah, not one of my happier memories. Over the years she has gotten better, I just kind of deal with it. I have limited my visits and conversations with her but it took me many years to decide I needed to do that and it has actually made our relationship a bit better. So just pick your battles and I hope you find something that works for you with as little drama as possible. Good luck.

The older I get the closer I get with my parents. I had a good relationship with them in my growing up years... I didn't make the right choices in my late teens to early 20's, but my parents have always been there for me. I'm in my late 30's now, and I live 1.5 miles from them. I love them to death. My mother oversteps her boundaries with my kids, but I also know she's doing it out of love. I love them, my dad's health is deteriorating away. So to me, I know time is limited, we don't have forever on earth and so I make the most of it. There are times when they get on my nerve, just as my kids get on mine... but I love them so much. I don't want us to have ugly moments and I know it's okay to disagree and move on, and so do they... They give me their opinions wither I ask for it or not, they are my parents and I LOVE THEM!