Relationships and Dating

I feel ya. my hubby and i were together 3 years before we got married i didnt think it would ever happen! we already had a baby when he asked me to marry him. after about a year he said he wanted to get married he just wasnt ready... so i waite 2 more years and pretty much said if you dont put a ring on this finger me and the girls are out of here.... im now happily married :P If I were you and hes not even wanting to talk about it i would be out of there! three years is a long time and it deff sounds like he was leading you on

I agree with the others,that men don't change. You should probably move out, to see what happens. He'll either come to his senses, or it was never ment to be. You can not make someone love you,I'm finding that out myself. If he does propose would you believe its for the right reasons,or that he feels obligated to you. One thing about living together, is that its fine for the guys,but girls want more. Reach for the stars, and shine. Hope you make the right decision for you.Let us know.Good luck.

He is throwing challenges up to slow down the inevitable, he doesn't want marriage or babies and is a coward for not just saying "it's not gonna happen" instead he says do "this" and maybe....... You know your situation. Move on if you really want kids and a marriage, unfortuantly your BF thinks since his kid is a "tough cookie" he can't handle another, in some ways good for him to know his limitations becasue the last thing you need is to procreate with someone who doesn't want that life. Sorry there isn't a better answer for you.

stop wasting your time with him and move on. He's leading you on and using you.

Hmm, it is possible that he thought he was telling you the truth from the start. He may have thought you were so great he could overcome his reservations for you. Now he's discovering he can't. He may never be able to make peace with his anxieties, but will keep giving you one more hoop to jump through, in the hopes of keeping you AND not having to move the relationship forward.

I'm sorry you're in this position, K.. I'd do some serious soul-searching if I were you, and choose. Him/his son, or a chance at your own baby (realizing that there are no guarantees you'll find Mr. Right)? They are both loving choices, so this will be difficult.

It seems like he made up his mind. And when he starts putting all these conditions on you -- get your Masters degree and a better job -- where will it stop? Once you've accomplished A, B, and C to meet his conditions for marriage, is he going to add D, E, and F? Do you want to waste any more time with him? It hurts, but you deserve to spend your life with someone who shares your goals.

He may not have lied to you from the beginning. People change, and he may have believed 3 years ago that he wanted marriage and children with you. But that doesn't forgive him stringing you along like this now; it isn't fair to you.

I am sure you love him but stop wasting another minute of your time. You shouldn't have to fight to get someone to marry you. Cut your loses learn from this experience and find someone who is willing to be your life partner, not someone who is as you say difficult. Think about it do you just want to be married or is he REALLY the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Good luck!!

The thing is this, he is right to feel this way because of what he has been through.
But he had no right to lead you on ~ because he wants his cake and eat it too.

You have every right to feel the way you feel.

See he's been down this road before ~ he's been hurt time and time again ~ and he is not ready to do it again.

But you haven't been down this road before ~ so you are missing out because of him.

You deserve happiness and you might want it really bad with this guy your with right now, but he doesn't want the same things in life as you do.
Truly you are going to need to find someone new that shares your dreams.

I'm sorry that he lead you on.
That was very wrong of him.

I wish you lots of happiness.
Take care.

I'm sorry that this is even happening to you.
Your friend is right, you shouldn't have to earn marriage. I would make him sit down and really talk to you about this. It might be a good thing or a bad thing but at least you both know for sure where things stand in your relationship. If he doesn't agree do you think you would end it with him? The last thing you want to do is make him feel trapped in a relationship and another child if by any chance you do get PG. I know it is hard think about but if a child is what you want and feel that it is going to complete your life, maybe it is best for YOU to find someone to love and have the wants and needs.
I don't think he will change is mind on this because, he might be affaid of what could happen. And he doesn't want to handle it if it doesn't turn out the way HE WANTS.Which is awlful for you. He is only thinking of himself.

Really my heart breaks for you!! I know that my girls are everything I could of ever hope for and I have the greatest husband to share it with. Because he wanted the smae things that i did.
Good luck and I hope I help alittle
C. C

he has been married
he has a child
he does not want to get married and have another child.
men do not change, and if they do, they regret not following their heart and the new marriage breaks.
i think you know the answer to your question.
we can't make it for you.

He doesn't want what you want. You can't change his mind. You know the answer. Move on with your life. It doesn't have to be a messy break-up, but if you want a husband and family, it doesn't sound like it will be with him. Good luck and take care!

Drop that guy FAST! He has no intention of doing things YOUR way. Hopefully you will meet someone new (and better) but if not,you will still be better off without him!

Sounds like he's got things just as he wants them and you're unhappy. There is no reason for him to change because he's content with the relationship, so don't expect him to change. I think you need to move out for sure and possibly head toward break-up. It will be tough, but it will do one of two things: 1) make him realize that he does love you and wants to be with you badly enough to marry you and have another child; or 2) give you space to realize that he doesn't love you enough to marry you and give you children, and you should move on to find someone who does.

It sounds like your boyfriend is stalling. First of all, you're already living together, so how is that any different than being married? It really isn't. The only thing missing is the piece of paper. In reality, you've already entered into a marriage relationship.

You didn't say what happened to his first marriage, or if his son lives with you both all of the time, or just on weekends, etc. That makes a big difference. You also didn't mention what kind of relationship you have with his son, which also is very important. Do you treat his son as your own? Have you bonded with his son? Perhaps he's basing his feelings on how well you get along with his son -or not.

Does his son have some kind of problem? Does he have ADHD, conduct disorder, autism, etc.? If so, then his concern that you have a better paying job with benefits might be understandable. Treating disorders can be expensive. Perhaps your husband is afraid of having another child with that same problem. Or maybe he's doubting his own ability to parent - or yours.

While money is definitely a consideration when thinking about starting a family, if everybody waited until they were "ready" financially, I suspect there'd be far fewer kids on the planet! No one is ever ready, in that respect!

You said you are in graduate school - how close are you to graduating? The good news here is that you will undoubtedly make more money with a graduate degree, and you will also have more opportunity to get a good job. This works in your favor even if you should opt out of your current relationship, so in a sense, it really is a win-win situation for you.

If, after getting your degree and better job, he still balks, then I'd say cut your losses and use your newly acquired educational status to get a new life -and maybe a new boyfriend. As you said, your biological clock is ticking. But whatever you do, don't try to combine graduate school with having a baby. I can promise you that while some people do it, it takes alot of support from their significant others - and it doesn't really sound like you'd have that.

Good luck!

I agree with your friends. It does sound like he is putting you off, making excuses. HIs son might not behave and may be hard to deal with but it could be b/c the child has gone through his parent's separation or b/c he does not have his parents on the same discipline page. I would take advantage of that "great relationship" and have a serious talk with him telling him that a woman dreams of marriage and children and you were honest with him in the beginning of your relationship. I would tell him how much you love him but if he loved you the way you loved him, he would give this gift to you. When my husband asked me to marry him soon after we started dating, I said, "why so soon?" and his response was, "why wait? When you know, you know and it is time." As much as that is a cliche' it is the truth when you have met the right one. Truly, what is he waiting for? If you live together, you are in love, why won't he marry you? As hard as it will be, you must truly think about you 10-20 yrs in the future and see if it is with him, if it is childless, if it is with you not married to this man but dating. Marriage and children are irreplaceable if you have met the right man. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing motherhood is and seeing your little heart walking around. If you want children, move on and have them. Good luck.

it's a deal breaker. you don't have to become anything to be worthy of him for marriage. do you see where i am going with this. good luck and you will find some one worthy of you and that feels the same. god bless. R.

Hi K.,
I am probably reiterating a lot of what the other ladies have said, but feel like it would help to hear the same thing again. You are living with him so he has everything that he wants. I am assuming you all sleep together. He has no incentive to take the next step because you live with him, you sleep with him, and you probably make a good mom to his kid. Move out and he will either come to his senses or you need to move on and find someone who is worthy of you. Do you really want to marry someone who is saying he doesn't want to marry you? Value yourself higher than that! You deserve better. And you do not need to earn marriage.
Best of luck to you!!
Cyndi