Roles and Confusion

You'll still be a great mom. It sounds like you've just defined "great mom" as "person who does nothing for herself." Which we all do, in one way or another, it's not just you.

What I suspect you need to do is repaint the "great mom" picture in your head. A great mom is someone who is absolutely devoted to her child, AND who has a life and personal fulfillment of her own.

And, um, I'm glad you "got some" after a long dry spell. Being a mother doesn't make you any less a woman.

Hated super mom? What exactly makes you a super mom, why do you refer to yourself that way? I ask because it seems to me that your self-perception is what is the problem here.

That is if I am reading this right, that you see yourself as a super mom because you have given so much to your daughter? Now you are doing something for yourself and that flies in the face of how you define a super mom.

If it makes you feel better I don't see you as a super mom and I don't mean that in a mean way. A super mom does not present to her child or children a one dimensional woman. That is what you have been doing. Now you have the opportunity to present another dimension, that is not a bad thing, it is a good thing.

I don't think you are disconnected from your daughter, I think you are disconnected from your idea of who you are. I say lose that idea. No mom is just a mom, we are so much more.

You know, I went through something similar several years ago. My husband and I went on a wonderful week long trip without the kids. It was the first time I had been away from them for more than a night or two (they were 2 and 4 at the time.) I was a nervous wreck before we left, so worried how they would cope without me, etc.
Well of course they were fine but what shocked and surprised me the most was how much I enjoyed myself, and how I didn't miss them nearly as much as I thought I should. I was disturbed by that feeling, I mean, what was WRONG with me? I actually wanted the trip to last longer!
The thing is, being a mother can be all consuming, and when you rediscover a part of yourself that you haven't acknowledged in a long time, it can stir up some heavy emotions.
Try not to worry about it too much. You can have fun, go on dates and even have sex (!) and still be a great mom. I would only suggest that you keep that part of your life separate from your daughter, because it can be very confusing to children to see a parent "date" they don't really know what that means, and you don't want to bring anyone new into her life unless he's going to become a part of your family.
Other than that, ENJOY!

Usually a "super mom" is one who balances it ALL w/ ease. That doesn't seem to be the case here.
Part of being a well rounded parent is showing your kids that while they are the most important thing in your life, they aren't the only thing. You feeling disconnected from your daughter is probably the result of getting a "taste" of life outside of mommy hood and you're feeling resentful that you haven't had that. That is not her fault. You need to find a balance. You can still be a good devoted mom that has a social life and a love life w/ out getting her involved. That is healthy.
Doing nothingoutside of motherhood is not healty or normal. Find your balance. Its whats best for the both of you.

I agree with Jo. I think your perception of yourself has been interrupted, and you're confused. Your perception NEEDED to be interrupted. There is nothing healthy about a "super mom." You can't be everything for others all the time, or this happens. You lose any concept of who you are. I think you need to get back to being a mom and a person. what's so wrong with having fun? Nothing. Have it.

Just be careful. If he is having casual sex with you, he likely is having it with others. Make you you ask if he's been tested for STDs, before you think of sleeping with him again. (I hope you already have!) Herpes happens even with a condom. Condoms do fail, so you might look into a form of birth control. Always remember, this is casual...don't attach emotions to it.

It is tough when those hormones kick back in and we once again discover how enjoyable sex is. How enjoyable it is to be seen as a desirable woman rather than a mom. It is confusing also. For so many years you have sublimated the "woman" in you to the "mother" in you.

But, Odd1, you can be both! Yes, yes you can. You can be all that you want to be to your daughter - nay, all that you are to your daughter, AND take of the woman in you.

In fact, taking of your inner woman is something that you want to model to your daughter. You do not want her growing up thinking that she must sublimate her inner self to the care of others. You want her to be free, independent and proud of herself. Therefore you must allow yourself to be the free, independent and proud.

I just began a new relationship - it has been 5+ years since my last intimate relationship. My son is now 16, and has actually met "New Man" - he never has never met past men. Because I plan on New Man being around for a very long time AND because I realized that I had been sublimating my desires and personal dreams for far too long.

While being a parent is the absolute best thing I have or will ever do, I was loosing myself in the process. Which made ,e not so much a super mom.

You are not disconnected from your daughter. You are re-connecting with yourself. Which is a very good thing. It will take some adjustment to find the right balance between inner you and Mommy you - but it can be achieved and both you and your daughter will benefit from a Mom who takes of her own needs also.

And then for the most important question - was the sex really good??? LOL

Big Hugs !

Moms need to take care of themselves, too. All of themselves. I would think about what you need now that you've been divorced a while and your DD is older. You can have a love life without sabotaging your motherhood. You need to give yourself permission to wear more hats, even if some of them are worn cautiously. One day your DD will move out and will you be alone? I don't think you need to be. I started dating my DH when SD was about 6 and now she's 18. Time flies faster than you think.

You are a Mom.
You are a Woman.
You are a Human.
You are a person.
You just had something you hadn't had in awhile.
You are still a Mom.
You are not any lesser than a Mom just because you reignited a feeling in yourself.
You are just going through a rite of passage, and onto another realm of yourself. While still being a Mom and the best you can be. Without regret or remorse.
Nothing wrong with that.
Just look at your daughter, and you know you are STILL that great Mom.
And she thinks so too!

Ah-hahaha! I LOVE your post!

Don't worry, you really CAN be a mom AND have sex! Really! After all if you'd never HAD sex, you wouldn't be a mom!

I am so happy for you. I hope you'll run with it and have a blast. You've got some time to make up for.

You will get used to the shift (all over again) from sexual woman to mommy.

Congratulations!

:)

Love what S.H. said, and that she didn't pick apart your post to say it! :-)

She sums it up, but I was also thinking as I read your post that you probably chose to compartmentalize your life as a way to cope. So that complete devotion to daughter is what you needed to do to feel like a good mom. And not being intimate with men maybe allowed you to prove this to yourself. So now you are growing and evolving, and realize that you like other people- and sex!! So you are just feeling a shift in your compartments. Totally normal, totally ok. I think if you give yourself some time things will come together as they should. And give yourself permission for this growth, you are still a great mom! Hugs.

I think what you are experiencing is normal. Our lives often become subsumed in our children's lives.

Others can give you advice.

It's ok. You threw yourself into her 100% after the divorce, so it makes sense that you feel disocnnected, but perhaps it's not a disconnection, but rather a healthy bond. What you had before might have been co-dependence with your daughter?

Enjoy! Have more fantastic sex without apology.

My thoughts are that you are looking at it wrong. You CAN be a mother and have a boyfriend. Just don't bring him around her for a good while. Specifically until you know this isn't just about sex and is about a relationship that has a chance of lasting.

I think maybe you might consider talking to a counselor about how to separate your being a mother with being a woman. You seem to have forgotten that being a woman is at least as important.

Good luck,
Dawn

What S.H. said. Took the words right out of my mouth (er...keyboard).

I dont quite get the "hated super mom" thing either? Why would anyone hate you?
If your ex-husband has your daughter for weekends or whatever, its ok to shift away from motherhood then. You dont have to run around on your kid free weekends and have it all about your daughter. I certainly do not when I get a weekend away from my kids.
Im sure you love your daughter no less, you are still taking care of her the way you always do, but you find yourself day dreaming about knocking boots with Romeo, thats cool too! Very normal.
It will be ok, even if one day you decide to introduce them.

hormones are fun arent they?
i remember going through something somewhat similar. when i got out of my marriage and started going out with adults which i hadnt done the entire time we were together (from 14-26) it was like wowwww there is fun in being an adult. then you add that to the passion of being attracted to or falling for a guy and you can get carried away.

I never felt disconnected but I remember being able to have fun apart from her for hte first time and kind of looking foward to the night here or there that i'd get out. Prior if I had a girls night out I couldnt wait to get back to her and I';d be back in time to tuck her in.
I think it's common for people that devote themselves to their kids and then realize they neglected themselves ecpsecially if you never really experiences being an adult before kids...i know i didnt. i did highschool, college that i worked full time in and was planning a wedding, then got married and had a kid by 23.

J. pull your reigns back. allow yourself a night or two a week to have fun and let loose within reason and eventually it will get old quick.
I did this for about a year..probably one night a week when my ex had my daughter I'd go out and have fun....then it got old quick, i met my boyfriend and i found a middle ground. i am perfectly content with life and dont need to go out to feel alive, although we do have fun and go out at times

You probably just feel disconnected because you are a bit preoccupied with new emotions, not because it even has anything to do with sex. So just be in the moment. This excitement will calm down eventually, and of course you are as close to your kid as you always were. We've all been there. Maybe we had a crush on someone for the first time (whether we are married or not) since having had a kid. It makes you feel like the way you used to before getting into motherhood. It distracts you and makes you not just mom. It's totally awesome! Don't feel bad about it. Enjoy it. If you have a good babysitter, just let loose and have some fun finally. Go get drunk with this guy and have a wild night! Your kid will never know, and it won't compromise you as a mom. I totally go crazy partying every now and then, and the day after I am playing again with the little guy and feel much better about who I am. You are not just one thing in life. Enjoy those different people you can be!

You are a woman and you need certain things in your life. Taking a little bit of time for yourself, whether you have date, get a mani/pedi, or have sex with an old college friend, you need something for you. Don't feel guilty because you took from your daughter what is rightfully yours. You have every right to do something for you.

You don't say how old your daughter is. If she's a teen, then maybe you can do a fun weekend with her. Go have a spa day.

One way I find the clarity I am seeking is to write in a journal. Free flow writing helps unlock all kinds of dormant feelings, secrets, dreams, goals, hurts etc. Start writing and you will find yourself again as a mother and a woman. In my opinion, it sounds like you lost yourself as a person but have been excellent in the mom department. Time for some balance and you will be able to have the best of both worlds again. Don't worry about not being connected to your child. You are still just as connected, you just have something else pulling at your heartstring a little and it is getting more attention as of right now. Things will settle down....Good luck!

I think it's just that mom guilt feeling when you actually take care of your needs & do something for yourself. A mom who never does anything for herself is usually pretty unhappy, unfulfilled, and not as "super" as you might think.

I agree with Devonne, you don't sound like a supermom, though maybe that's what you're shooting for? A good mom will show her child the world does not revolve around her, I feel so sorry for children that dont learn that at home before they hit the world. A good mom will show her daughter that a healthy woman makes herself happy (without needing a man to make her happy). I think counseling would be a great idea, being a single mom is very hard emotionally and doing things for yourself should not make you feel guilty or make you pull away from motherhood. I went to a counselor when I was overwhelmed with being a single mom and I know it made me a BETTER mother.