Rough, Rough Day, Uncle on Hospice.....

Updated on June 02, 2012
J.B. asks from Marrero, LA
11 answers

Hey mamas,
So I have had a superbly rotten day and I really have no-one not close to the situation to vent to, so here it is. My uncle was placed on hospice on Wednesday and put in an in patient facility with a view that he was in his last week of life. I was really happy he was transferred there bc he was originally transferred to a nursing home and was in horrendous pain, it was so heartbreaking. There were able to get his pain under control pretty quickly and he has been able to rest. So today is Thursday and he had taken nothing to eat since Saturday morning and only taken a small amounts to drink. I mean we have offered of course but he hasn't felt like eating, which of course is fine. He has colon cancer and the last time he ate it just ripped him up so bad. Today the dr told my mom that he was close to the end. Well tonight my mom calls out there and asks about him and the nurse said he ate a plate of lasagna, which she fed to him. Well...I don't know what to think. I mean on one hand that's great, on another I am so concerned about what a plate of lasagna can do to a person in his condition, and I wonder if he wanted it, or she just decided to feed it to him? I mean I would have thought that offering him some ensure first might have been wiser, but then maybe this his rally before the end? I am so confused, I mean I want to be happy he ate but then I am concerned for him too. It is like an awful roller coaster. Any thoughts? I am really thinking maybe this was his rally, I just don't know.... I certainly would never deny a person food... I guess I am just looking for some insight I feel so turned inside out by all this....thanks for reading...

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Wow, J....sorry about your uncle. :(
I would be inclined to think this is his "rally" as you mentioned.
Please take comfort in the fact that hospice care is amazing. He is pain free, you can rest assured.
Hospice pros are also very good at pinpointing the stages of death (I'm sorry) and estimating how much time is left.
We don't think of it this way, but death is a process, well marked by certain characteristics, etc., and it's pretty much...for lack of a better word...predictable...if you know what to look for.
Again--sorry about your uncle but it sounds like he's in a wonderful place.
I hope his passing is peaceful and beautiful.

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L.F.

answers from Chicago on

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I agree with everything OneAndDone said. I would put my trust in the hospice staff and assume that they are taking very good care of your uncle. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

4 moms found this helpful

R.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

So sorry this is happening, J.. We lost my Dad in February after 26 days of in-home hospice, he had kidney failure and leukemia, so i understand what you are saying.

Dad always loved to eat, so eating was one of the last things he gave up. On Super Bowl Sunday he ate almost an entire foot long sub from Subway, he actually grabbed it out of my hand as I was trying to feed it to him, and he ate some BBQ ribs, too, he was wolfing the food down, and this was after several days of not wanting to eat. His stomach began hurting a couple of hours later, and he had severe diarrhea several times that night into the next day, which took a tremendous toll on him. And at that point he pretty much lost interest in food at all. The nurse in charge of his hospice care said it was probably his last hurrah or rally as you said, trying to prove to himself and everyone he could do it, not caring what it did to him.

The point of hospice is to make the patient comfortable and relieve their pain and anxiety. When Dad asked for something we tried to provide it, food isn't withheld from a patient in hospice, they will decide when they no longer need food or drink. I feel your uncle wanted it, there is no way anyone could have fed him and made him eat the lasagna if he didn't want it.

It is a roller coaster, and hard to watch. God bless you and your family.

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E.S.

answers from Boston on

Big hugs! It's a tough road... I called my sister when she was in hospice one day to ask if she wanted anything. She asked for something "good". So I went to the store and bought a GIANT lobster. She loved it, ate about half and the nurse put the rest in the fridge. Later on she threw it all up. The next day she ate the other half with the same results. I felt awful but she told everyone about her lobster and how good it was. See, she knew she couldn't keep anything down but found enough joy in eating it to make throwing it up alright. She had cookies my kids had made her by her bed when she passed. Ensure is gross, offer him a root beer float instead!

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D..

answers from Charlotte on

J., I'm amazed that he was hungry enough to eat it. I agree with the thought that this is his end rally, but I worry too about what his colon will do with it. Perhaps with the pain meds he won't feel it, but they'll just be changing diapers for him.

The reason you are turned inside out over it is because you are trying to come to terms with his impending death. It's okay, really and truly. Nothing is easy about it and talking about it helps. We're glad we're here for you.

Hugs~
Dawn

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T.H.

answers from Kansas City on

Oh dear, so sorry. I do agree with One and Done though, I mean I am a little shocked that a Hospice nurse would feed him a plate of lasagna at this stage, but they really do know what they are doing and I'm sure it will all be okay. Most likely he asked for it, it would seem totally out of character for the facility otherwise. Stay strong in these last few moments of his life, I know how hard it can be. Peace.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

I live Hospice. They are Angels on earth.

They know all about dying and the different ways people do this.

We had a grandfather placed in Hospice when he was 92.. He was so weak and tired. after 6 MONTHS! they sent him home.. he went back and forth to Hospice and back home.. He did not die until he was 103!

We enjoyed the time he was in Hospice, it was a time for us to rest from his constant care and a chance for him to really get some extra attention.

Many times, we knew this is it.m he will die any day,,. and each time he rallied.

My friend died in Hospice earlier this year. She was there about 5 days.. The instructions for her were very different than they had been for Grandfather.

She had different types of cancer and we were instructed.. not to ask her questions, not to pet her, and to keep her room as peaceful as possible.. She was at such peace. We all got to spend time with her. We saw her transform and then we even had a rosary in her room and I knew she was at peace.. She dies the one night her mom stayed with her throughout the night.

He will find his peace, and they will allow him whatever he requests, but they will be honest with him.. They do not hide what is happening to him. They send in Doctors, Pastors, and Counselors to speak with him throughout the day to check on him.. This is all they do. Help people die with peace and dignity.

I am sorry that you feel so bad. But I promise he is being beautifully cared for.

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D.B.

answers from Dallas on

I'm so sorry. Waiting for a loved one to die is just awful. I think you're right that this is your uncle's rally before the end. With that in mind, why shouldn't he eat what he wants? Ensure does not taste good, and the goal isn't to maximize his nutrition at this point. I'm sure they have him on enough pain killers so he shouldn't suffer from potential digestion problems. If it seems like he's in pain, tell the nurses and they'll up his pain med dose.

If you question this decision though, ask the nurses why it was done and tell them why you are concerned. The nurses and doctors do this all the time, so sometimes they forget that not everyone understands why they do certain things. It's better to ask for clarification than to assume the worst and get upset about it.

Of course you feel turned inside out and it's hard to think straight. It's an emotional time, and of course you'll feel conflicted. I hope your uncle's pain is minimized and he has peace at this time. Prayers for your family.

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J.S.

answers from Columbia on

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

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M.D.

answers from Houston on

My heart and prayers go out to you. We lost my Mom 4 years ago this month. Hospice was a godsend. We were able to do in home hospice. Once you are in Hospice care you really are in their care. They provide so much including physical and emotional support. My Mom had Esophagus cancer that had spread to the live, lung, and lymph nudge’s. My Mom had a feeding tube put in and got all food and Meds through it. When Hospice took over her care my Mom chose not to have anything through the feeding tube but meds. Hospice did tell us that in a last hurrah Mom might ask for food but would want real food and it would be hard for to swallow but not to worry. That with the Morphine and love it would be ok and that changing a few depends or anything else was worth it. Mom never did and early in the morning went to be with her Lord and Savior very much at peace and ready.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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P.K.

answers from New York on

My dear friend/sister is presently in hospice. If she wants something to eat,
I give it to her. Usually she just wants a taste. If that is what your uncle
wanted and could eat it, good for him. I am sure he is on enough pain meds
to offset the food. I do not think the nurse would have forced him to eat. It is
a long, terrible road. I pray every night that Deb goes home to the Lord. So
far she has decided not to! We were told a month ago she had a few days.
Every day she looks a bit worse. I do no know how long this can go on
Sorry you are going thru this.

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