Sad Children

How are you doing? A little time has passed i just read this today. Is there any assistance you need?

B.

Have you had any contact at all with him? What about his siblings, parents, ? It would be typical that he had planned on leaving you for a while, likely for another woman, and this, if true, is the story of a true coward.
If you have no clue, then you must file a missing persons report with the police.
Get some legal advice at Legal Aid; talk with your pastor, and other support groups available in your community.
Your children with "special needs" must already have some counselor through school who can steer you in the right direction.
Meanwhile, you are doing the best you can with what you know, so give yourself the credit you deserve for being the parent who stayed. And may your heart mend real soon.
Blessings, S.

R.,
Sorry to say, 'been there, done that'...the first thing I would do is, not say how much you want him home...they need you to be strong...hard, but true...continue to let them know how much you love them & that YOU will be there for them...surround them with friends & family, keep busy, keep them busy as possible so that when night falls they will sleep well and you can fight your fight...remember that YOU need all the hugs & love you can get as well...I don't know your financial situation but if you find that the behaviors continue you might want to have them (as well as yourself) talk to a professional...just a personal note as I went through more pain than I should have with an ex, don't just welcome him back with open arms when he calls or shows up, unfortunately once he has done this it will more than likely continue, make your rules for him should he want to come back, be insistent on him coming back YOUR WAY! I know I may sound harsh, but I am thinking of your & the children's pain & welfare...A.

hi R.,

i'm sorry to hear your sad news. your words pulled at my heart because i have experienced heartache and loss at different times in my life, so i can empathize with you.

my advice is to let yourself be sad and let your children be sad. sometimes people think that sad feelings are "bad" and should be avoided. lately, i have learned, through an excellent personal development course (www.pdcseminars.com), that it's okay and even necessary to feel our feelings. they are a normal part of being human and to avoid, control or "squash" them is the most unhealthy thing we can do. simplt tell yourself, "i'm sad, and it's okay."

cry with your children, let them know it is normal and okay to be sad. their father left them.... of course that's sad. why try to pretend it's not? talk about it openly and honestly with them.

i would also recommend therapy for you and your children, because, regardless of whether or not you hear from your husband, or he comes back or not, or you reconcile with him or not, his act of leaving this time will, without a doubt, have an impact on your children and you and it should be addressed by a professional.

you can also reach out to your friends and share your sadness with them. chances are, they have felt sadness before and will certainly empathize with you.

my prayers are with you during this sad time. please email me if you need support.

take care,
vanessa

i am so very sorry R.. i would suggest maybe a counselor of some sort for families. if money is an issue (as it is with alot of us) you could go to your church if you have one or just find a church near your home. they offer free counseling to anyone. sorry your going through this. :(

I remember when my ex left without talking to my children. My daughter seemed ok, but my son was crushed. I cried with him, not so much for me b/c I was ready for it - but to see his little 8 yr old heart break.

I would say keep them around positive things - whatever church you attend have the children's pastor aware of what's happening. IF you don't attend a church and would like to - let me know I would be happy to help.

R. I am praying for you and your children. I am sorry this happened - we are here for you.

A.

Do you belong to a church? I would say to get the kids involved in a youth group and to involve your youngest in a playgroup. If grandparents are close by, visit them or other family to have as many loving adults surround them. You are doing your best in this trying time, but you are only one person. I pray that your husband will do what is best for your family and in the meantime that you will survive and grow stronger from this experience.

I'm so sorry, R.!

My dad left when my sister was two, so I've seen a little one go through this. She was sad and insecure and she did heartbreaking things like playing in the backyard that one of the trees was "Daddy."

Even little kids know something big has changed and they feel it, and their security is on the line.

It sounds like you are doing everything right--acknowledging her feelings and reassuring them that you are there. But, sadly, your daughter's lost some of her innocence, and from now on she knows that some parents leave. All you can do is be so there for her that her trust comes back. And that means keeping the routine and discipline the same--those things mean security for a kid as much as anything.

And, please, please take care of yourself! It sounds like you have a lot of responsiblity and those kids need you now. Do you have family around or a good babysitter? Can you take some time for yourself after the kids are asleep? I can see why you might not want to leave when they're awake, but please do a little something for yourself each day.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

That's a difficult situation. I'd encourage you to let your kids know that their daddy loves them and misses them too, but he has issues for himself that he's dealing with right now - they can pray and thank God for all the help God can give to help their father and be thankful for their mother too. Your kids are sad and they also may feel pissed off at their dad for leaving and are powerless to change things. Let them know you understand their feelings and maybe help them construct something as a gift for their dad whenever they see him again. Once the gift is complete then it's up to God and your husband for when he will pick it up. That might help. Also the "serenity prayer" can help you with finding peace about things you don't have control over.

Hi R.,
I am so sorry this has happened to you. The only thing I would know to do first would be to completely give this situation to God. Put the problems and your feelings in His hands. He can handle this and give you peace and comfort. And pray with your children. If you can't pray when they're awake, pray over them when they're sleeping and ask for God's guidance because He truly loves you and your family and will help if you ask.
Proverbs 3:11 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding". Psalm 30:2 says "Oh Lord my God, I cried unto thee and thou hast healed me"
I don't know what your beliefs are. We are Christian and the Lord gives us so much comfort and guidance that we need to make it through the tough times.
Take care and I hope that this gets better for you and you and your children may receive comfort from this difficult time.
May God Bless your family!
V.

wow--sorry for you situation. i really feel for you. my first husband left me out of the blue when i had then my oldest was 6 and i was pregnant with my youngest. they are both now grown and doing ok. he and I never got back together , he left state for awhile with my so-called best friend. i know it is hard. and you have to give them all the love you can while like you said your heart is breaking too. do not feel bad if you cry in front of them it will do them good to know you are hurt by this too.i just do not understand what the man thinks we are suppose to tell our kids.has he called at all to talk to them. i mean if he leaves for good or divorces you--he is not suppose to leave or divorce them. my first hubby did just that--made me sooo mad for them.

But i am sure this is why your daughter is now wetting the bed,and screaming at night, especially since she is asking first thing about dadddy.this story breaks my heart. my oldest did the same thing--well not the bed wetting--but he asked alot when daddy was coming home. i told him time and time again i did not know. if you know how to get ahold of him maybe try to call him and tell him he needs to give your kids the answers they are seeking sine he is the one who left and should know those answers better than you. and if you do not know how to get in touch with him then when he does call tell him the kis have questions that you can not answer so he needs to answer them.and tell your daughter when she talks to daddy to ask daddy those questions because this was daddys decision to leave so he must have the answers cause you do not.
hope this helps lady. but yes you all will be ok. we were--it took awhile but we were.

R.,

I wish that I could offer you a quick fix....
I will keep you in my prayers. My heart goes out to you. Remember that your heavenly Father would never leave you or forsake you. He is there when it feels like nobody could ever understand. If you are not already, get involved in a church with loving people that will help you.

R. - My heart goes out to you, I was there 6 years ago when my husband did the same thing.

We have 3 children and they were 3, 4.5 and 6 at the time. He left June 28th and our middle daughter turned 5 on July 5th, he didn't even send her a card or anything and I had my wallet stolen at the fair the day before with $27.00 in it that was supposed to buy her a cake and icecream etc.

My 3 year old did't say much but he did start to have behavior problems. All I told mine were that Daddy chose to leave and that I could not make him stay. Like you I loved them up and reassured them that I would NEVER leave them. It is hard and as a Mother you really don't have time to grieve because your kids come first. You will survive this and the future holds something better.

I am sorry that you are going through this R., I will remember you in my prayers. Your husband needs to be accountable to the children - unfortunately mine wasn't either!

M. F

I feel for you, you are doing your best that is all you can do, for the father of your children he has just 100% lowered himself just to leave his children and nobody knows why. I am sorry but that is no man. Put your head up and keep it there for your children, you can get thru this. I know it must be hard but you are a woman and we can do anything. I have a 7month old my first and just got married he lost his job, i work full time and have a baby sitter, he does nothing, i tend to food, baby, dog, house work and yard work. i feel if I can do it anybody can just for the sake of our kids, she is what holds me up and keeps me going.
You are all in my prayers.

don't take him back, he will do it again 'cuz he can. end of story
You don't need that roller coaster, That will be even harder on the kids, Be strong, don't show you are needy they will love and trust your strength. Your kids need you, he obviously does not want to give of himself for their needs. Any explanation as to where he's been? How this has already made an impact on kids? I bet not.
As for learning about forgiveness, how conveinient he is the center of attention again. How about his learning about responsibility and accountability and what the concept of love truly is? Not on how YOU can learn to forgive HIM. Also, do not worry so much about if something goes wrong and he leaves again... that is setting yourself up, as if you are the failure, you did something wrong or you drove him away.. do not allow this. You did nothing wrong, sure their may be issues in the marriage that he is not happy with and yes maybe you can make changes and compromises too but he just left with no word (coward) he did not come and tell you there was a problem, he did not dicuss with you his leaving, he did not care about the effect on the kids, nothing, nada he just split now to return to church so YOU can learn to forgive. Give me a break. He needs to own up to his wrong doing here!!!!

My heart aches for you!!!!! You have a tremendous load on your shoulders trying to reassure 3 hurting little ones while carrying a ton of hurt yourself. Check into family counseling. They might have methods to help with the children which would also help you. I am sorry I don't have any advice but I will keep you in my prayers.
May the peace of the Lord be with you, M.

No good advice here, but just wanted to tell you to hang in there and keep your head "up" for your children's sake. Hang in there - will pray for you all.

oh my gosh!! R., I unfortunately do not know what to say. You are doing the same thing as I would. My heart and prayers go out to you and your children. Hugs!

oh, that is a tuff situation. if you have insurance try to get them some therapy on how to cope. if you do not have insurance and are apart of a church ask them if they can offer some counseling.
i would also suggest having family in the are spend time with your children too so they know they have people around them that will be there for them.

Has he done this before? How could he do this to the children? You can't help but to let the children feel sad. But you, yourself, have to be strong and do what needs to be done, which I think is to contact a good divorce attorney. I am so sorry you are going through this. The nerve of that man. I hope you don't take him back.

Wow, this breaks my heart. There was really no warning? History of depression? This is a nightmare and i am so sorry for you. Just patience, love and time I think. It must be really hard to do all that while you yourself are hurting so bad. I like that you tell them you aren't going anywhere, keep that up! I'm sure your 3 year old might be wondering if one day she will wake to find you gone. How awful. If love and time aren't enough, definately look into counciling. Keep talking about their emotions and what they are feeling. Make sure they know they don't need to keep anything bottled up. I really hope he can at least explain this to you because I cannot imagine never getting some sort of closure. But if he doesn't, you can't live in the past forever, but you can for a little while, you all need some time to mourn. I wish you all the best.