Sassy Talking 4 Year Old....

Sassiness seldom emerges out of nothing at all. I would imagine your daughter is upset by her home life being undone – even if your relationship with her dad was stressful or angry, she still feels a strong emotional impact from the divorce. And kids are known for acting out when upset – it's simply what they do, and they don't have enough life experience to consider what their other choices might be.

She could be picking up that "tone" from playmates or older children she sees, or even from you. Do you ever hear yourself (or other adults in her life) using phrases like these with your daughter?

Cut that out right now, missy, if you know what's good for you!
Get your butt in here right now!
If you think I'm going to put up with that, you've got another think coming!
Stop that whining/pouting/sassing this minute (…or I'll pop you in the mouth/on the butt)!
If you don't get your stuff picked up, it's going right into the trash!
Do you think I'm made out of money?
Shut up, or I'll shut you up!
How many times do I have to tell you to ______, anyway?
Okay, that's it, I'm done with you.

I've been frequently amazed to hear parents who habitually speak to their kids rudely and disrespectfully complain about their children's manner of speaking. I'm not saying you do this, because your daughter has other reasons she may be sassing, but you might consider whether this could be part of the problem. We can be amazingly deaf to our own verbal delivery, especially if we're tired or stressed. (Just like kids, actually.)

Kids imitate the behaviors they see and hear modeled, and their parents are the strongest influence in that regard. We want politeness and respect from our children, but if we're not treating them consistently with politeness and respect, they'll have a much harder time getting there.

May I suggest you read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives really practical advice on how to respond to kids by not denying the feelings they have. Amazingly, children can often resolve their own unhappiness once they believe you have really listened to them.

My best to you.

It's her way of expressing the fact that she's ticked off her parents got a divorce. That she has to see her dad with another woman. That she has to see him all of a sudden have two new daughter's. She's probably wondering; "Why in the heck do they have to be in my life in this role"? Her life was uprooted. I'd have an attitude too. She's exerting control since she feels like she has none anyplace else. I always hate to hear situations like this. She sees it through the eyes of a 4 year old. Her intact family wasn't good enough so he had to go find another woman and her kids to take care of. Cut her some slack and take her to see a counselor.

She has feelings she is showing by the sassy talk and the gritting her teeth. She needs a proper outlet for these feelings and to learn to talk about how she is feeling rather then acting out. If she is close with a grandparent or a aunt maybe they can sit down with her and help her express her feelings or take her to a child councilor who is trained on helping children through tough spots. My granddaughter is 3 and half and going through her parents divorice also. She is angry about it and for a while blamed herself. She told me that mommy and daddy are always mad at her for not picking up her toys and making messes, she thought this is why they don't live together anymore. She also thought her daddy didn't like her because he didn't want to live with her anymore. We were able to talk things through and explain that no matter what, mommy and daddy loves her a lot and no matter how many messes she makes and how many toys are left out, that will never change. She told me "well mommy always gets mad if I leave my toys out and tells me to clean them out" so I told her that was because mommy is doing her job as a mommy by teaching her how to be a responsible person. She seemed to be better about it after that. She still says things to me like "I wish my daddy could live with my mommy still" and "I wish I had my family" It is getting better because we listen and when she starts acting out we sit down with her and talk about how she is feeling. She says "I feel sad and I don't know why" and so we talk about how to handle those sad feelings and how everyone feels sad over somethings at times.

They say that a person should wait a year before introducing another person into the child's life. By your ex bringing in a girlfriend already, it has to be more confusing to her. I would strongly suggest counciling to help her learn about her feelings and how to correctly deal with them. Call it a play time rather then counciling... or "tea time" and do it like a tea party.

I would gently point it out when she does it. Just tell her, "I don't hear sassy talk" the words themselves (sassy talk) would make my 4 year old laugh. We would joke with her and call her Miss Sassy when she started to be so. "Miss Sassy" comes back every once in awhile(she is now 5) but much better. I would just keep asking her 'why are you talking like that' or 'why are you gritting your teeth'- maybe she'll tell you why.

she is angry. she's allowed to be. sassy tones though are not okay. discipline and consistency is more important to her than ever right now. i would ask her to repeat it nicely (show her what you mean, she is plenty old enough to see the difference), to use her nice voice, etc. if she can't then she should be put in timeout. it's the same thing as when my 3 1/2 year old says, "mom i need a drink!" i just say, "can you repeat that nicely?" and then he says, "mommy may i please have a drink?" same exact thing.

good luck, hang in there. it's a tough time for everyone and i'm sure the stress of the whole situation doesn't make this easier for you.

I doubt that she would be able to tell you why she's being this way. She is only 4 and does not know what her tone of voice or attitude would be called let alone that it's inappropriate until someone tells her. She is using this to express feelings that may be so buried that she's even unaware of them. It takes skill to recognize and name our feelings.

I suggest that your daughter is angry because of her situation. She once had a mom and dad living in the same house with her. Now everything is upside down. she may be responding to the rude way, as Peg M. described, that authority figures have talked with her. She may also be trying out a new way of talking/behaving because she's heard it somewhere else or because she's found that it gets her attention.

I suggest that first you tell her in a kind, calm, and respectful way that her tone of voice and attitude are not acceptable. This may open the way for a discussion about how she's feeling. If so have that discussion. If not, just tell her that you cannot let her be disrespectful in this way and tell her to go to her room until she can talk with you in a respectful manner.

Talk with her about this action and why you're going to take this from now on. Talk about respect and disrespect so that she understands the difference. Tell her that you understand that she may be feeling angry, cranky, upset and that you'll be glad to talk about how she's feeling but that she'll have to go to her room when she is sassy.

I like HHinTX suggestion of a way to handle it when it happens. Miss Sassy goes to her room if laughing about Miss Sassy doesn't cause Miss Sassy to leave. I wouldn't ask her why during the episode. That is something to talk about when she is behaving and able to talk about it without feeling she's on the spot and becoming defensive.

My parents said that I periodically went thru stages of being sassy. I remember being so when I was older than this and doing so because I didn't respect my parents. They fought a lot, my mother was ill alot, my dad worked 2 jobs and was gone most of the time and I was put in charge of my younger brothers. I say this only to give an example of how we can lose the respect of our children. For a 4 year old the reasons for their loss of respect could be related to the phrases that Peg M. listed.

When my parents disciplined me for being disrespectful I felt even more anger. What would have worked better would have been if they had acknowledged my anger and been empathic. They would not have had to acknowledge that they were disrespectful, just acknowledged that I was angry. My mother was able to do that sometimes.