I need your advice. I have twin boys. One son, for the most part, is easy going. He usually does what he is told and helps out. He rarely throws a fit, but he just turn three, so he does have his moments. My other son is the one that I am having a huge issue with. All he ever does is says "no". I have even tried to stop saying no to him to see if that helps and it doesn't. We have a huge problem with getting him dressed. In the morning he doesn't want to get out of his pjs and then at night he doesn't want them on. We have tried to be stern, we have tried timeouts, we have tried positive reinforcement, we have tried the reward system and nothing works. He really has the attitude that its his way or his way. His mood can change in an instant. He will be throwing a fit and then all of a sudden he is in a good mood, usually because something sparked his interest. Tonight and most nights he throws a fit about getting pjs on and then brushing his teeth. We put him to bed and he was literally sobbing and taking deep breaths to breathe. He even whines and complains when we are in the car and we don't drive down a street that HE wants to go on. I tell ya, its driving me nuts. He attends daycare twice a week and the teachers say that he sometimes has problems with transitioning from one thing to another but never really throws a fit about it. How do I get him to stop saying no. Some days he can really push my buttons, and those are the bad days because I usually give in somehow. I know some people say that children behave badly because they are raised that way, but then how can I have one child that is so easy and one child that can be so difficult. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
The best thing in the world I ever invested in for my child whas a cd program called "THE TRANSFORMING CHILD" by james Leham. If I could take all the things said ,bought counceling, doctors ect away this would have solved all my problems
EVERY MOM> TEACHER <DAYCARE PROVIDER ECT SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO OWN THIS PROGRAM
NO LIE IT WORKS
Thank God you have the ''proof'' right in front of you that your parenting is in NO way the creation of this problem.
As a preschool teacher of some 40 years I KNOW children come with their own set of personalities and responses. You CAN take charge in ways that will help.
First, you and your dh need to sit down and decide which method you are willing to go with-- which one '''bites'' you the least ( as you will discover through the years -- some discipline strategies make YOUR life miserable- that's NOT the idea ). Once you've decided that- make it stick every single time - ( and forgive yourself when you can't)
Your little wrangler craves these things:
your attention
your time
to feel powerful
to feel that he has some control over his life
So, lets' say you decide to stick to a system where you have a chart that shows polite behaviour - and he gets to put stickers on 6 times a day showing that he was polite over the last 90 minutes ( or whatever ) --- BUT if he threw a fit- he can't put it on - . AND STICK TO IT.
I promise- if he can ''buy'' something like 10 extra minutes of play time with Daddy or a turn to make pudding with Mommy --- and he sees that brother gets these rewards but he doesnt - it will have an effect. ( and I'm sorry to tell you that when you start a system - there is always an increase in bad behaviour in the beginning- it's their way of saying ''' oh NO!! -- you don't MEAN it!!) -stick it out.
One other issue--- since he behaves way, way better ( it sounds like) at school- you KNOW he can-- but because you and Daddy are '' the real deal'' to him- he saves his worst behaviour for you ( trust me, it's a compliment- though not your favorite) It sounds very clear to me that he needs as many helps to know whats' coming as possible --- maybe even a list of ''' it's time for''' things that happen every day- and show him as he's zooming around the room '''it's almost ' time for day clothes' so he can anticipate what's coming up. Some children really need to know what's expected - with 2 or even 3 reminders along the line of ''' in 15 minutes we will change from pjs to day clothes'' --- 'in 10 ----- ' in 5 --- "" --- try it for 2 weeks and see if it helps.
Blessings, D. ---
you are doing a wonderful job- with 2 little boys that are doing nicely in pre-school--- you are a champ!!!!
:-) J. - aka Old Mom
D.,
Yes, this happens! I have 1 out of 6 that is a handful child...my youngest boy. He also needs things his way, all the time. Easily upset if things dont go his way, etc. Doesn't like new things, very shy...etc. (I am worried, he starts preschool in the fall)All I can say is maybe lay out 2 choices of jammies and let him choose. This works for us but keep in mind it might take awhile for your son to make a choice:) Try to look for things you know he likes and run with it. My trick with my son and getting dressed in the morning is that he likes the boxer brief underware, so if I see he is going to give me trouble that morning I only pull out one pair and say "Wyatt's turn for the cool underware" and then he is all excited and forgets to be grouchy. This works for us because his older brother is so mellow, he doesn't care. Sadly we are all so used to Wyatt being a "crabby patty" that Korbin pitches in all the time to help make things go smoothly for his lil' bro. We joke in our family about our difficult boy but sometimes it isnt funny at all...I understand what you are going thru completely. Wyatt was born grouchy. The nurse who cleaned him up said "uh-oh, this one's a fighter" and he has been.I remind myself all the time that its not easy being the Mommy but for some reason we have been given these remarkable (because for as difficult as he is, he is truly amazing in other areas) and special lil' guys who need our encouragement and patience and that I am his Mommy for a reason. You are doing a good job, keep it up. It is ok that one child needs more in different departments than the other. Do what you can and stay as structured as possible. Hope this helps atleast a little. If nothing else no that you are not alone or a bad parent...some kids are just different!!
K.
Well, my advice is to just keep sticking to your guns first of all. Also if you can talk fast...this can work too. I will use your example of the turning down a street he wants to go on.
"I wanna go down THAT street!" "Well we don't live on that street though, no where to put our car, and we'd get awful cold outside with no house to go into".
OR
"I love "Elm" street in the summer time it's so pretty..remember how the "so and so's" had that pretty flower garden? But I like this street (the street you are on) because it gets us home a little faster in the winter time"
If you can talk fast you can get in both and flummox him into thinking it was his idea to go down the street you are on the whole time. Mention you've made a note to go there soon as the flowers start to bloom, and he'll have to come see too or something....make it about "him". Sounds to me like you might have a "jealousy" issue if one is very well behaved and one is not. Might be some inferiority issues there and if you give him the power to think he can make decisions..and have the right answer come out as something other than no...then he can start with other things. "I want a peanut butter sandwich". When you tell him no, perhaps say something like "Not now, but how about you have peanut butter on crackers for snack after your nap?" If he says no when you compromise..walk away..if you are in the car..well, have someone start a loud song to distract him. When he gets to about four or five if this is still happening ADD and other things have to be looked at but I bet he is just getting that he can make decisions himself and right now the only decision he really knows how to make is in disagreement with everyone else right now. Give him some ways to make "right" decisions that won't include no..as a choice. He'll figure it out. You are right to stop telling him no by the way..he needs to learn there are other words too. (You could flummox him further and find a sesame street skit with the song called "NO" on it..No parking..no talking..etc. Show him that "NO" is a very important word that should be saved for "very important things". Show him how to say "no" without saying it..shaking head...etc..and show him that no is not a bad word..as no can save a kids life...show him no means no...you can't give in if you want him to believe that.
Twins are two different people with different ways of responding.
If the son who is stubborn about dressing can pick what he wants to wear even if it seems outlandish to you let him. If he can pick out the clothing you are buying for him all the better. Let them each pick out the pj's they want at the store and the socks that will make them feel a bit more in control.
Your resistant son is creative a singing group or an art class might help him. Gymnastic class would help both of them.
It is a phase. He is separating from you just a bit. Finding that he is a individual and can do things on his own. Even if they were two years apart they could be this way.
It could last 6 months, or longer or shorter. No way to know.
Hey D.. I do not agree that all naughty children are that way because of their parents. First of all, my daughter is three and my sister has a son that is the same age. My sister is more strict about certain things like bedtimes, snacking, and being noisy. I am more of a believer in understanding that my daughter is only 3 and I cannot expect too much out of her. Anyways, her son is a much more difficult child than my daughter. He sounds exactly like your son; if they go down a street he didnt want to go down he screams! He will tell people to "get out of his room!" and when told what to do he often argues and throws a tantrum. She has been putting him to bed at the same time every night since he was born, yet he still throws a massive tantrum every night. All I am saying, is that some kids are more head strong than others. I do not think his behavior has anything to do with your parenting. However, some tricks you could use involve rewards. Put up a reward chart that has columns that say "Put on my PJs", "Got dressed", "Put my toys away", etc. and then when he completes those tasks without a fit give him a sticker to put underneath that task. Once he gets 5 stickers (or whatever amount you want to use) then take him to chuck e cheese or let him pick what is for dinner that night. In my experience, rewards work better than punishments any day. When my daughter is acting out, instead of telling her "If you dont stop you will get a time out" I tell her "If your a nice girl mommy will let you stir the cookie batter and pour in the chocolate chips". These are things I would let her do anyways, but they really give her an incentive to behaving like a "good girl". Hope this helps.
K.
D.,
I feel like I am right there with you. My one & only daughter is very much like your problem son. I had only one child so I could consentrate on her & give her all of my love & attention. For me it has been time & consistancy, she is 7 now & in first grade. Things aren't perfect but they are better & different. They stay good or get better at pushing buttons but, she behaves better.
Hope this helps.
This sounds so much like the twins of another acquaintance of mine. They are not identical, and their different sets of genes have resulted in entirely different personalities. The difference in behavior is not their parents' fault, though they have struggled with guilt thinking it was.
There are lots of good books that will assist you in handling these challenges, D.. One is "Love and Logic," which many moms on this site use with reported success. But your more difficult child may also have sensory issues or other challenges of his own that make life feel just plain difficult for him, and consequently for everyone around him. Describe your problem to his pediatrician and ask if an evaluation is a good idea.
My best to you. I can hardly imagine the complexities of mothering two three-year-olds with such differing personalities.
Have you tried the "Love & Logic" way? Get the book or cd at the library. I love the short stories how other people used it. They really stick in your mind.
Just read Peg's response and I agree with her.
Hi D., I am so glad that you are asking for help early. I did all the great advise the other moms gave when my daughter was 3. By 4, it was worse at home, and at preschool, she was an angel. I thought I must be the worst mom in the world. I met Sharon Donnelly at Advanced Pedeatrics, an
occupational therapist that works with children with Sensory Processing challenges and found out that the behaviors that you are describing aren't ways to get attention or drive us crazy...it was a reaction to sensory overload. Once my daughter was able to
be evaluated and receive help, she became an angel at home too. Now, at age 8, when she reverts back to out of balance behavior, we know that she needs more of her Sensory diet. (special type of movement, etc) Please
check this out. You can still use Love and Logic and the other advise. It just won't solve the challenge at a core level. I gets worse instead of better, especially when they get to school. Advance Pediatric ###-###-#### and they have a new office in Vancover.
I've had a couple of those...and what worked for me was putting things in a way that NO wasn't really part of the answer. For example: lay out 2 outfits and ask him "which of these are you going to wear today? He has a choice, and you aren't asking in a yes or no way. Or, "do would you like to have pancakes or cereal after you are dressed?" It's all about their need to be in control. I understand the mood changes. Mine have grown some and now sometimes it's everyone elses fault! LOL but for now your children are only 3, so perhaps the choices will help?
oh your situation sounds like mine! my 4yo daughter's mood changes at the drop of a hat. she'll seem genuinely upset about something but then see something exciting and all of a sudden she's a happy child.
i can't say i have any great advice for you but i thought i'd give you some of my trials so we can be miserable together :P i hope you get some good advice that i can use too!
my daughter tells me we're driving the wrong way and if i tell her it's the right way, she starts getting upset. so i just say 'hmmm, let's see where we end up' and for some reason that works.
also, if she says that the sky is red, there is no arguing otherwise, otherwise she gets irate. it's easier to just agree with her.
she is a bear to get to go places that she doesn't want to go. lately that has been school. as soon as we start getting dressed, she pipes up with 'i don't want to go to school!!!' i tell her once that she's going to school but i don't discuss it or she just gets more upset. there have been 3 instances where i have had to drag her kicking and screaming to school where we sit outside until she's ready to go in. i did have a lightbulb moment recently. she had meltdowns on those days where she had cereal for breakfast rather than eggs so now i make sure she eats eggs in the morning.
her teacher also suggested working on transitioning however it doesn't seem to help any. if she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go and she's going to be upset about it.
giving her 2 choices for clothes does not help. she just says 'not that one and not that one' and continues to take forever to make her choices. sometimes i can speed her up and others not. it's a crapshoot. (i did take her to school in jammies once but brought clothes for her to change into when she calmed down.)
when she is denied something she wants, she gets in a bad mood and is upset/grumpy about everything until she gets distracted by something else. when she remembers, she's upset all over again.
time outs are really tiring. firstly, she won't stay in time out right away until she's good and worked up. she does stay eventually tho i have to put her back a lot. we are both stubborn but she stays there until i get her apology and she's ready to do as i asked. i have also tried the 'sitting in the lap' timeout but that only seemed to make her angrier.
i don't have any advice to make things easier but i would suggest not caving in right now. figure out how to stand your ground now so it won't be so hard when they're teenagers. soooo not looking forward to my girl teenage drama! good luck to you!
