School Son vs Home Son Are Opposites

he's working hard to be a good little fellow all day, and when he comes home he needs to de-stress a little. he's only 5. he doesn't have fully developed coping techniques yet.
have firm boundaries for just how far you'll let it go, but don't be a martinet. give him a snack, let him snarl a little, and if he pushes it too far, send him off to cool his heels.
this really isn't a big deal.
khairete
S.

I'm wondering if school is either too hard--so that he has to really, really concentrate to get through the day--or too easy, so that by the time he gets home at the end of the day, he is done with being nice and is able to be "his true self" at home. However, if school is too easy for him, then one would think he would act up in school out of sheer boredom.

Definitely something is bothering him. You don't present one face at school and then another face at home. If you can't find the problem, you might think of having a teacher talk to him and/or having him see a Childhood Specialist. Sometimes having someone else who isn't family speak with him--and knowing what things to ask and look for--can uncover things.

Full day K is a HUGE change from what he's used to.
Imo, boys have to "give it their all" to stay on task, and sit still for school all day at that age.
Give him a planned period of chill time when he gets home.
Make sure he knows that's HIS time to decompress, get his ya-ya's out, etc.
AND look at his bedtime. Maybe ooch it 30 minutes earlier.

Normal - he needs to destress when he get's home, just like a grown-up. He's following rules ALL DAY LONG, then comes home, and he has to do it MORE. He just doesn't have the coping skills yet. It'll get better. Perhaps give him more time at home to just chill. Or something active to do that he likes.

Maybe put pictures on the mirror in the bathroom of "wash" and "flush" so you don't have to remind him. Recognize when he's being helpful, etc.

It's normal. They hold it together in school all day and then can fall apart at home and be little monsters because they know you love them unconditionally. It's much better to have it be this way than to have a kid who is an angel at home and falls apart in public! My oldest was the most extreme...a total doll in school and could be a total jerk at home. He's 16 now and can still be the same way...pleasant and engaging and charming to everyone else and a moody grump to us.

I think you just need to ride it out. Use positive discipline techniques to reign in any truly unacceptable behavior (like yelling at you). For the rest, love and logic can help...there are some scripts you can use to diffuse tense situations (exaggeration, humor, etc.) that might help turn his attention from negative to positive more quickly and reduce tension. But know that this is totally normal, it's his way of decompressing, and it gets better when they get older and build more stamina. School is exhausting for the little ones!

Please know that -- as others note below -- this is normal and quite typical. He is not being influenced to be "bad" by school, nor is anything "going on" there.

Moving to kindergarten is a bigger change for kids than we adults realize or remember. Even if he was in a great preschool, it was half-days three days a week; this is many more hours, with many more kids in the classroom (I assume), and with a stronger emphasis on "it's time to stop doing X and move to doing Y right NOW" that even the nicest teacher and most mellow classroom must still follow. He has to hold himself together and pay attention and be his best self all day, every day and it seems eternal to him.

At home, well-- you know the saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt," right? In this case, familiarity breeds -- not contempt, mom, but release. He has been holding himself in all day and when he gets home he's deflating like a balloon, letting out that perfectly normal tension. He becomes a grump and doesn't listen because all day long he has to be not a grump and a good little listener. When he fussed about how annoying it was to "do that all the time" with flush and wash -- he was told all day to do this and that (and probably to flush and wash there too). When you tell him to come in from play, he heard "Time to stop play and do XYZ" all day.

I'm not saying you need to stop directing him or reminding him of what's needed! No, you still must do that. But please be very patient. This is not really a case for discipline yet; don't fuss back at him or punish unless he really gets out of control. Try to ignore as much as you can at this time; if he is really disrespectful, try meeting it with a very chilly "I'm sorry you are talking that way; when you talk to me that way I can't talk with you" and leave the room rather than engaging with him any more. He wants your attention more than anything at this age, so removing your attention can be very effective.

Give him some more time. Also be SURE to give him a lot of down time immediately after school.

Some things that can help:

Have a snack ready for him IN the car when you get him; that can really help some kids because they often are ravenous and their blood sugar is dipping at the end of a school day, and a car snack both adds some fuel and, frankly, distracts them.

If he rides the bus: How long is the bus ride? That really can add to a kid's day and increase the grumpiness and puts more time between him and his down time and snack time; consider picking him up in the afternoons if you can instead. Not always doable but I think bus rides of more than a short distance can make younger kids' days too long if they are in full-day K.

Don't overdo it with eager questions about "How was your day? What did you do?" I was always guilty of that! We want to hear all about how they spent their time, what they liked, who their friends are...but they need a mental break immediately after school, so hold off and don't ask even well-meaning questions until later, or bring things up naturally at times like when you're reading to him -- what book did teacher read at circle time today? And so on.

If he has any minimal homework in K (some do), don't expect it to get done immediately after school but don't let it wait too late either. Get it done before dinnertime because he may fade too fast afterward.

If he has siblings, please be sure he gets time with you and/or dad without them around right after school. Don't expect him to play nicely with siblings (or even next door friends) immediately after school because he's been around other kids all day long. If he wants to blow off steam and run around and play with others, great, but don't expect too much in terms of playing together on anything.

Again, this really is typical and not a sign that something's wrong at school or that he suddenly dislikes home or is upset over something. His great behavior at break shows that. He is just learning to deal with the normal stress of going from preschool to full-time K. Try not to attach too much meaning to it or let it stress YOU too much or he will pick up on your stress with him and reflect it back with more acting out. Right now ignore what you can, remove yourself coolly whenever you can (more effective with many kids than yelling), and give him space and don't expect a lot of homework, or formal activities, immediately after school is done.

He's using all his energy to keep himself together during the day, and then he lets his stress out the one place he knows it's safe to do so - home - because he knows that mom and dad will love him no matter what.

I agree with everyone else - healthy snack and rest as soon as he gets home (if he won't nap, then at least a cuddle on the couch with a book). Then, unstructured time as much as possible.

It's a strain putting on a public face all day.
When he gets home he's tired and hungry and just normal requests from you get on his last nerve.
Our son had this more when he was in 1st grade - that was the first year they weren't napping in school anymore.
In kindergarten when they had nap-time - our son fell deeply asleep every time.
He was growing rapidly, had horrible growing pains and he needed sleep.
When he gets home from school give him a snack and have him lay down for a bit.
If he sleeps, he'll be his pleasant self again!

Hungry and tired. My daughter is the SAME way when she gets home. She is in full day kindergarten after staying at home with no day care or preschool since she was born. We have found that a decent snack and rest for a half hour or so directly after school before homework makes for a better evening. They use up so much energy that no matter what they have to eat or how much they sleep they are hungry and tired after school.

I'm guessing he's used all his energy to be well-behaved and amazing at school and just has nothing left when he gets home. It's not uncommon.

It may be common with kiddos who have a sensory processing disorder or ADHD ...

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/behavior-of-yo...

This is normal. Just be sure that his evenings are consistent, your expectations are consistent, and you maintain a calm and collected demeanor when addressing his temper. A simple, "Please go to your room. You can come and do what I've asked you to do once you've calmed down for a few minutes." Don't let him argue or demand...no "FINE! I'll do it." If he still acts up when he comes back out, send him back to his room. I remember when my youngest was this age and he'd go to his room....and fall asleep. He just wasn't good company when he was that tired. If adults can be grumpy when we're tired, so can kids...but we don't get to treat one another poorly.

Good luck!

I used to see this in my youngest, too. FWIW, she's now 21, a college junior and a whole human being who no longer takes her tired crankiness out on her parents or her sisters (well, most of the time...). I agree with the exhaustion idea. It takes a great deal out of a kid to be terrific all day.

Is it possible to talk with your son when things are going well about WHY they go well and why they don't. Help him learn to understand himself and strategies he can use to help him get better at behaving even when he's tired or things are "annoying". Not gonna lie, it takes a while but it helps over time. It's not just one conversation but many: explaining, helping him understand himself, reminding. Over and over.

Hang in!

He's tired. He could also be fighting off a bug. When we are fighting off something our bodies use all the resources to heal us.

I'd let him rest when he comes home and have a large high protein snack. Kids are starving when they come home and the protein will get used up quickly and won't ruin his dinner.

Several of my friends have peanut butter sandwiches waiting on the kids when they walk in the door. We've even taken them in the vehicle to pick up kids from school. It is like night and day.

I found my younger daughter doing the same thing last year in Kinder. It turned out she was working so hard to be so good at school that she would just melt when she got home.
We still work on respect at home, but she is a model student at school so I call that a parenting win. And you should too!

My kids have been in a bit of a behavior slump with me lately. Nothing major, just super hard to handle at times as a single mom. They're great kids and I instilled a solid discipline foundation in toddler years, so they do get back into check when I calmly buckle down and enforce stuff....

I homeschooled for a few years but put them all in public school this year. Their behavior naturally took a dive when they spent time around our scrappy locals and learned how to cuss and smart off :)

To my shock, at parent conferences, each and every one of them got "best behavior" awards in their classes. Each teacher raved about how much of a pleasure they are to teach.

Meaning, they know HOW to behave, they just don't always feel like it at home.

Find your tolerance level for what's allowed and enforce! It's natural for kids to get away with as much as they possibly can at home. Especially when they're hungry and tired and whatnot.

Sounds like me when I was little. I was the sweetest, hardest worker at school and used up all my strength and coping skills. Then I'd go home and unleash any frustrations on my poor mom. She was patient with me, because she knew it was stressful for me at school. I deal with a lot of anxiety and always have. When I know I'm in a safe place (home), I can relax and unload. He'll outgrow it. I don't act like that now...for the most part. ;) Just be patient and empathetic with him. My mom noticed that I was much better behaved at home if I ate often and properly too. Just a thought. She used to have to make sure I had a snack after school immediately.

My sister's child is the same and the teachers and doctor said it was completely normal. They use so much effort behaving and following rules at school that they use home as their outlet. Just be patient and know that your child behaves well at school and around others. As they grow older they deal with daily pressures better and better. Good luck.

You've gotten good advice so far. I totally agree with the high protein snack and then rest as soon as he gets home. In fact, I would start this week by telling him the night before that things will change when he gets home and you want him to know what the change will be. Tell him when he walks in the door, coat off, to the bathroom for potty and hands washed, and then to the kitchen table for snack. Then he goes to his room for quiet time. Tell him after quiet time, he can come in and talk to mommy and you two can read a book, play a game or do a puzzle together.

Ask him if he understands. Then remind him AGAIN in the morning and ask him what he will be doing when he comes home. Have him tell YOU. When he gets home, ask him what the first thing he is supposed to do is. Hopefully he can give you the list. Make every day for a while be this. In other words, try not to have something different so that he gets used to it.

It IS important to be patient. The other ladies are right in why he is doing this. However, don't let him get away with it. Any time he yells at you, he needs to be put in his room as a consequence. "You must be tired since you're being so crabby." And into his room he goes.

Some full day kinders have nap time. I take it there is no naptime in your school? If there were, it woud help. Maybe he could take a small nap at home?

Could you change him to half day kinder? I'm guessing this is just too much for him.