Second Wife Who Still Has Not Given My Hubby "Another" Child

Melissa,

Have you considered adoption? I am the "second wife" too and we found out I couldn't have children - so we adopted 2 beautiful babies!! They are now 8 and 5 1/2. Couldn't love them more if I had given birth to them and I didn't have to go through all the uncomfortable parts of pregnancy! :)

Good luck, hang in there,
C.

Melissa,
You are entitled to your feelings. The other ladies have good points but these are still Your feelings. You want to find ways to work through them.

I thought it was wonderful you said "My husband and I have 2 children from his previous marriage..." It sounds like you have embraced these children while at the same time understanding they have their natural Mom. That's great! To help yourself get past these feelings of jealousy of what your husband had with his first wife I'd suggest talking honestly with your husband about your feelings. Don't whine or stomp your feet. Just discuss it. If need be see a counselor a couple of times to get some tips or ideas on how to work through this.

Keep in mind most people have relationships before they get married. You may have had relationships before you met your husband. That's okay. It helps you to learn and grow and figure what type of person you wanna be with.

Try not to focus too hard on a baby. It may or may not come. But you can still experience life, learn and grow. Sounds like you have a pretty nice family.

until I had been married to my husband longer than his X I always had a bit of resentment...I wasn't the longest relationship, it was kind of silly maybe, but it was real feelings I was having. Most likely even if you didn't have the X in the picture you would still be feeling a lot of the emotions on not conceiving. My dh didn't have kids with the X but we still had a hard time conceiving and it was hard. I have one beautiful daughter and I can't have more kids. it is still hard at times. working through the emotions instead of trying to bury them are the problems. My therapist is always reminding me of this. I thought I was done dealing with the baby issues, my dd is 4. but both of my sisters who got married the same summer I did are pregnant again right now. one with her second and the other...with her 4th...while I celebrate this for them I had to go through another mourning session for myself.
so that is my loving advice for you is to focus on you, and how this is for you--and see about finding someone to talk to I'd recommend a therapist because they won't get caught up in the emotions you know?
just help you process how you feel and find that place of peace.
hugs, its hard waiting for your baby. I hope from asking this you feel validated that your emotions are real, they are what they are, there is nothing wrong with how you feel, and that you are smart to put this on your priority list to take care of you and what you need for this peace in your life.

Hi Melissa,

Hang in there! Man, if I could blow some of my fertility luck your way I would!! I'm a second wife too and not until my husband and I had our own children together (just about to have #3) did I finally feel like I "fit in." He has 2 kids from his first marriage also and I actually raised them for the past 4 years because their mom left them. So I was bonus mom who served as the only mom for awhile! She's since returned and now we have a 50/50 arrangement. Talk about not really knowing what my role was/is! My stepdaughter is now 9. I raised her for half her life! I'm super pumped I have my own bio kids that I don't have to share with someone else! Is that selfish? Maybe, but I really don't care what others think. It's about YOU and how you feel. If you're doing the best you can with your stepkids and the best you can with trying to conceive your own bio child, then that's all you can do. Being in custody arrangements is hard enough on everybody (step parents included! Everyone seems to neglect their feelings) that you need to make sure YOUR needs are met and that your desires are fulfilled. It's your home with your husband. Don't fall into the trap of thinking too much about your husband's first family. Concentrate on making your house YOUR home. You're the mama in that home! Seek info on fertility treatments. It sounds like your own bio child is what you truly want with your husband. I understand perfectly and I wish you all the best in your journey. Many fertility blessings sent your way!!!!!

Wanting a child and not being able to have one isn't about the first wife. Resenting the first wife or being jealous will only sour your relationship with your husband and your stepkids. Wanting a baby is understandable and infertility, if that is the issue, is stressful, but the first wife isn't the issue.

It's almost too easy to blow off your post and say "grow up", but your feelings do matter. I'd personally suggest a good counselor to work through the feelings of jealousy and resentment. You are not less of a person because you haven't given birth. I think it takes an even bigger person to mother a child that isn't theirs biologically. The experiences you've had with your step-kids *is* "mothering", and usually mothering isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Figure out why you feel the way you do and work on it, then work on babies. It doesn't take years...with a good counselor you should be able to get to the bottom of your feelings within a few sessions. GL!!

I think you need to look at the bigger picture.... his with you, not her, whatever SHE gave him, obviosly wasnt enough, otherwise he would still be there.... his chosen to be with you, that counts for alot.. stop worrying and im sure the pregnancy situation will mend itself. stress can effect your hormonal balance, i knwo its easier said than down. But just think sbout your happy future your going to have together, that SHE couldnt give him...x

Hi,

Those children will feel your resentment, maybe sense it, and so will your husband, if you are not careful. Kids pick up on emotional atmospheres, so please try and not be insecure about this. If you are having infertility, one thing that really helps is to stop stressing. That is so much easier said than done! Those two kids have been through so much in their divorce. For the rest of their lives, they will never quite feel like they belong in your husband's home or in the ex-wife's home. Studies have shown that divorce permanently causes these feelings of not belonging. So please focus on being really kind to them. When you do get pregnant, they are naturally going to be jealous of your new baby. And are you going to love your new baby more than them? Very easily you might? I really think you need to focus your energies on positive things, and keep yourself busy being a good wife and mother to those other kids, and as you relax and keep busy doing good, and thinking of your husband's and stepkids feelings before your own, you will be happier.

TC
Marci