Secret Allowance

Reading all of the responses I wonder if I'm too hard on my kids? Mine are 4 & 7 and do all of these things-daily-on their own! I am a 32 yr old full time (general manager) working mom who has just gone through a divorce and I'm sorry, but I couldn't run a business-phone calls at home included-and a household without children who pick up after themselves!! I think at the age of the children you are talking about, these tasks should be a given.
Sorry if i seem harsh, this is just my opinion.

Dear C.,

My question is this: What does dad do about the situation and how is he pitching in? Children follow by example.

Personally, I don't think they should get an allowance to do basic things, especially at that age (16 & 14). That should be second nature to them, they aren't toddlers. This is hygiene, cleanliness, etc. I am the youngest of 6 children in my family and we ALL had chores. We alternated with household cleaning, our room was our responsibility, etc. We didn't get an allowance because when you go out in the "real world" you don't get paid to do what you should already know to do. These two are close to being grown adults, and if they don't know the basics by now, I'm afraid to think how they'll be when they get a dose of reality.

Secondly, you shouldn't have that worry. Their father should be stepping up and enforcing the ground rules. If those are the rules of your house, and they make sense, he should assist you in enforcing them, ESPECIALLY since you are pregnant. If they don't do what they are supposed to, take away the cell phone, take away the video games, take away the trips to the mall. Paying them to do what they should do anyway is enabling them to be lazy and expect a free ride through life.

I hope I don't sound too harsh, but I've been a step-mother in two relationships and I wasn't picking up after anyone but myself and a baby. When a child hits 4 or 5, that's when that child should already have the beginnings of it in their head that this is what I'm supposed to do as person. Their father needs to get involved as well. I hope things work out for you because you don't need that type of stress.

I suggest first taking a moment to look at things from your step-kids' perspective. Your expectations may be demanding, or they may be normal, depending your delivery and your ability to understand what they want and to accommodate their strengths and weaknesses. Teenagers are seeking more independence, not more rules and regs. If you want their cooperation, you need to seek buy-in from them and to offer them something they want in exchange for something you want. To do that, you need being totally honest with them, (no secret allowances) and also willing to meet them half-way. Maybe you can let go of making the bed *everyday*. Seek their input on the rules so that they are easier to swallow. "Kids, I am an admitted neat-freak. I like a clean house. Do you? But with the baby coming, I can't handle it all by myself. So I am enlisting your help, and here's what I'm willing to do for you..."

It doesn't have to be an allowance. And it certainly shouldn't be secret. Let THEM decide what they want. Maybe it's an IPOD, a concert ticket, or pair of shoes.

I would also suggest building in some days off on your expectations; let them let down their hair once a week or so. Don't make it no fun to go to dad's.

It is so hard to get teens to understand these basic things are just part of being a family, not chores above and beyond the basic. Maybe try a family meeting, stressing you are having another baby and they need to pull their weight on their daily needs (with dad being strong on the issues).
I have done lots of things to get my son to "get it" (13 yrs). We have put masking tape in an X across the sink so no dishes would be put in it, given him one set of dishes with his name on them (so if anything got left in his room or not washed, he had to go get it and wash it before he could eat), making a rule that he cannot eat any meal or snack unless his dogs have eaten and gotten taken out. Toys that get left out get taken away until I feel like giving it back (when he gets home from school today there will be no controlers to play the XBox with because the 2 year old brought them to me from his room, so I hid them!!) It took awhile to get him into routines, but now he is much better, but with teens it is a constant struggle - I remember what a pain I was to my mother. I can't imagine how hard it is when they are only there on weekends.
Good luck, wish I had more help,
K.

Why the secret most parents ( even step) have expectations of their childrean and having a allowance gives them more motivation to follow. Give them a list and explain the break down to them and also explain the actions you are going to take if they are not meet. The other child may step-up to earn extra cash for them self. I am a mother to 5 kids ranging from 14 to 4 months (the oldest is my husbands step child) Their is also 2 house holds involed we do what we can in ours, my rules my way.

When you ground a child if thier is no follow up in the other household make sure you keep the punishment inside yours.

Example....No T.V for the next 2 times you are here.....ECT...

I completely agree with Djuana. When I read your message I was thinking they were young kids. When I saw that they are teenagers, I thought, wow, how do they get away with it? The responsibilities you listed are basic skills that everyone should be doing anyway, basic household courtesies that should be expected of everyone. They should not be tied to an allowance. Since they seem to have everything they need/want anyway (cell phones,etc.) the money is probably not that important to them. If you tie the money to the chore and they don't need the money, they won't do the chore. If you feel you want to continue setting aside an allowance for them, do so secretly and give it to them when they graduate high school or go off to college. The last thing I would mention is the follow up on the discipline. While they are in your care and at your home, it is your husband's and yours responsibility to follow up. How about instead of saying "you're grounded" which implies future action and won't be followed up on, you say, X behavior equals X punishment, at that moment. For instance, if you fail to clean up after yourself, you lose your cell phone priveleges while you are here. And then STICK TO IT.

Dear C.,

I read the other responses and agree teenage children should already be doing the things they listed as a matter of course. But, since you are their stepmother, I appreciate your need to give them an incentive.

I'd add vacuuming, dusting, mowing the lawn and cleaning the bathroom (once a week for these things)and doing the dishes. I know I could do those things by the time I was 12 and it was expected of me. I didn't get an allowance, so of course I have money management issues now. Are they boys or girls?

They should be doing chores as a matter of course. An allowance will help them learn money management and that it doesn't appear out of thin air. I'd cover the basic, any thing extra they have to budget through their allowances. Shirking chores or displaying attitude means deductions in the allowance (be careful you don't deduct too much). If you have a big thing for them to do, such as clean the garage or something out of the ordinary, offer them another sort of incentive such as going to a movie or the mall or whatever they are whining for (Upon satifactory completion of work). Have a family meeting and tell them what's what and make sure their Dad is on board, they will have to be helping you a lot aftr the baby is born. I'd also teach them how to cook and do laundry (they're old enough and highly desirable skills in a spouse). Maybe each could be responsible for preparing dinner one night a week and taking turns with the laundry. Oh, and they have to restock the toilet paper, too.

Good luck!

A.

Hi C..

I don't get what you mean by "secret allowance". Does that mean your husband and their mom doesn't know? or what? (I am always on and off about allowance in general.)

At 16 and 14, the children are old enough to earn spend money. And to pay them for NORMAL stuff (the 'chores' you listed) that we all are expected to do is not much different than paying them to flush the toilet after they use it. I get your motivation, really! You don't want to pick up after them. I often feel like my kids are rabbits, hopping along, and leaving evidence w/ every step! I try not to take it personally, and instead, give a reminder, and employ consequences. You have several options.

A family meeting could lay the cards on the table. With younger children, I have clearly shown them the expectations on paper. With older kids, like yours, I think a great conversation would start with you asking them their views on "what are normal expectations? Writing it out for all to agree and sign helps with integrity. Another conversation to consider is asking them what do they feel are the cosequences of the "what ifs?"

Look, I don't have it all figured out. I often think that is why God gave me so many, to keep trying. hahaha.

ANother approach would be to simplify. REmove their access to the excess. For example, give each just one towel, plenty for a weekend visit. I am betting after drying off with the wet stinky towel they left on the floor will get old fast.

And most importantly, don't let it drive you nuts. As parents, it's hard to not take it personally. We give so much meaning to things, unnecesarily. Most kids tend to be lazy by nature, and will only do what they have to. (me too!)

I could brain storm forever! I hope this helps. ~Cathy

Tell them this is what you did in 2007, and present them with the money. Don't make promises about doing it in 2008, so that way they won't know whether they will get paid or not. It will probably be pretty great to see what they do. Give them the list and tell them it is a MINIMUM EXPECTATION list. They are old enough to help a lot more than that.

I don't really understand by what you mean when you say a "secret" allowance?? Can you explain??

no, you're expectations aren't high for those ages. but i personally wouldn't pay them. those are things they need to know and do on their own not expect to be paid. my advice would be let their father deal with them if they won't do them unless they're being paid. good luck

Hi C.
I hear what you are saying about the fact the the household cannot run on its own without the help of everyone. May I first start out by saying that having a list of expectation is not asking too much and that in fact, I think it should be part of your family routine. I would like to add though, since your two stepchildren are 14 and 16, that your husband and you negotiate the list. I don't think that keeping the allowance a secret is a good thing either. When you set up your family with expectation, I think it will make it easier for the children to know what to expect.
Another important point, as a stepmother, I understand your position about having things done in the house. I do not know your family dynamics, but I would suggest that your husband enforce those expectations whenever possible and to let the stepchildren know that you are in charge too.
Raising stepchildren is a totally different dynamics than a nuclear family. Rules and regulations (especially with pre-teens and teens) need to by negotiated (with the understanding that the parents have the last word) and then enforced. Children that go from one house to another need to feel as if they belong and that includes participating in household chores and activities.
I would also ask the teens what they think would be a fair allowance and the consequence of not doing a good job. They may surprise you with alternatives.
I hope this helps as we have gone through this in our house and it has been a tremendous help in keeping the peace. Good luck.

C.
Life Coach for Stepfamilies