Seeking Advice About Getting Dad Involved

Hi S.,

Not to make excuses, but I've noticed with my own friends and family members that men respond different to daughters than they do with sons..especially with the more "intimate" child care duties such as bathing and changing diapers. With that said...I think that having a new addition to any family results in having to reconfigue responsibilities and roles. It may take your hubby a little longer to get used to things. During HIS ADJUSTMENT PERIOD (since you said he was a great guy, I'm going to assume that he is just adjusting) you need to make sure and prioritize the things that HAVE to be done, and let the rest go.

What will this do? Perhaps seeing that YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL and work too, he will pitch in. Make lists that are NON-child care related (dishes, dinner, laundry, etc.) that he can help with and take the load off of you.

Enjoy the children...that means even if the dishes DON'T get done, YOU need your rest for your CHILDREN and he can either do them or eat off paper plates.

And if you need time off and he isn't willing to help you, get a sitter. You'll get the time off you need (even if only for a couple hours) and isn't that the goal? If he doesn't like it, then he'll decide to watch her.

Good Luck!

If my husband gave me a list of extra things to do when I had my children, I would have told him where he could put that list. (and it wouldn't have been a nice place!)LOL If I were you I would tell him, as soon as you get a full night sleep like he always gets, then you will do something on that list. Ask him how well he thinks he could do at his job if he was sleep deprived for three months. As far as being able to sooth her, that is something that comes with time. The more time he spends with her the more she will respond to him. Plan time away from the house each week and he has to take care of the children. You may have to push him into being a better father to your daughter. He will appreciate it later on, I am sure.

I just had #4 about 9 months ago... I did take a LONG "leave" with the last. I was laid off about 3 weeks after returning from medical leave. While I was off work it was my job to take care of the house, kids and "home" stuff. My hubby doesn't have a "normal" job, he is working on fixing up our first rental and has been a stay at home dad since our 4 year old was born. He looks at me being home as his break, but it was had trying to tend to the 2 and 4 yr old while nursing the baby.

I really feel for you!!! I'm not sure how to get him to help, my hubby just started giving baby a bath this month. Before that it scard him to much... sometime I think he thinks they are so breakable. Is he afraid of hurting her? Maybe you should try having daddy bond with he by giving her a bottle or even just playing with her... it did take a few tries before my hubby could feed the littlest, because I was the one that was looked at for food. Even small task can be a big help - but they do need to bond and baby needs to learn to trust daddy, it isn't just going to happen at the snap of a finger.

Who is going to take care of baby when you work?? Maybe you could do a part day thing a couple days a week to get you and her use to being away from eachother & give you a little break before returning to work.

As for the list - hubby did it with the first one, then he realized how much work it was and never did it again... as for the fairies - that was the joke in our house... "the fairies came in the middle of the night and did the dishes," because I would try to do them after getting the baby back to bed after his 5 am feeding. I wanted them out of the way just incase the kids would have a bad day and act up.

I wish you luck - I think he will get more invauld as she gets bigger... remeber even small tasks are a big help & things seem to come more natural to moms (well most of them).

Oh, my hubby did piss me off with a comment about moms are made to stay up all night and take care of babies... they are just build to do it, thats why we have them and men done. That was his way of making him feel better about sleeping when I couldn't.

Dear S.,

I'm not so sure I have good advice for you but I can really relate. My husband isn't very hands-on until my kids turn about 4. I have a twelve year old an 8 year old and a 6 month old. He does not help much at all in the beginning and it is very frustrating. He comes home from work talks to the baby for a few minutes and then does his own thing. He never ever does anything like change a diaper or feed him unless I ask, Then he complains so its just easier to do it myself. He has a busy job but I work part time also and do all the baby care. He does help my other kids with homework sometimes and every once in a while he will cook dinner. I am very frustrated because when we are all home and the baby cries nobody goes to him to soothe him or hold him, they all call for me to do it. So I am always on duty when we are all home and I never get a break. All I can say is just keep trying to get him involved, especially after you go back to work. I work outside the home 2 days a week and call that my break. When my other 2 were younger I got a part time job in the evening which forced my husband to take care of them and I think that made him bond more with them and forced him to do some of the work but this time I work during the day. Maybe you could find a group of moms or people at work and have a night out which forces you husband to take care of the kids. Sometimes they just have to not be given a choice.

I have 3 kids, ages 7, 4, and 2. I got divorced after my second baby for reasons similar to those you mentioned. I got remarried to a guy who was very helpful in the begining and we now have a baby together and another on the way. The thing is that now he is really slacking. I'm pregnant, and need his help more than ever, yet I have to continually complain to him to get him to help me more.

I just have to say those early years with the kids are tough, especially if you are breastfeeding. I think it is very tough on guys to get them to understand that we need help. We don't live in tribes anymore, or even close to family to give us a break. I just don't think men have a caregiving instinct like women do and need a little shove in that direction. It doesn't mean he and the baby won't bond, because I have definitely seen the relationships change as the kids got older. It's just that for the first year, babies typically prefer mom, so the men just sort of check out. It's so unfair and builds resentment.

What I have done when I was really stressed is wrote him a letter. It seems I can stay much calmer when writing a letter and really get accross to him what I've been feeling. It usually helps for a little while at least. Good luck!

hi there...get on the floor with all of you and play together. point out things about her to your hubby.....show him she needs him too...involve your son with the play, have him shake some rattles or coo to her or whatever...make her real to him and needy for him....all of you together. dont leave anyone out, you all need him, and he needs all of you... lee ann

Hi S., I'm F.. Keep your head up. We have a 3yr old and an 8month old and too went through a phase when baby number 2 didn't seem to want much to do with dad. My husband was frustrated at points as well, but I kept pushing him to try and have patience because they are OUR children. The other thing I did was anytime that my husband did have the baby like at a bottle feeding time usually soothing for the baby. I would get out of site and let the two of them have that time together with me out of the way. I also had to fight myself alot to keep from going the the rescue when I heard or knew that things weren't going so well. It's hard and tiring for all. But you have to push through it so that a relationship between daddy and baby can flourish. As far as his "honey do" list for you my husband says that some guys don't realize how tiring what we are doing everyday with caring for both kids and cleaning the house can be. Things are going to change when you go back to work and you are going to have to show him that it is going to take both of you to get it done. So here are the choices no dinner or clean clothes for him, because the kids need you to feed, bathe, and care for them. Working a full 8 hour day outside the home doesn't stop for Moms when you get home. Take it a little at a time. It'll happen. Good Luck!

Everything that's been said so far is really good stuff. The other thing it might be worth considering...

Have you talked to him about how he's feeling? There may be something going on there that he doesn't really want to bring up himself but might be willing to share if you bring it up?

My husband and I have two children as well. Our daughter is almost 2 and our son is just over 2 months. There are definitely times where I get so frustrated and angry I just want to pack a bag and leave. But, then I just try to remind myself that he's a guy and doesn't get it most of the time, lol. I try to explain to him how exhausted I am with having to get up with the baby to nurse him and then get him back to sleep. Not to mention our daughter who is having some behavioral issues (lots of tantrums and misbehaving). It's very hard to try to 'control' her while trying to care for a baby who wants to be held pretty much all the time (God bless baby wraps, lol). I will admit that I am not that great of a housewife. I am terrible about cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc. And then there's cooking. It's probably best that I don't do that. :) But that doesn't mean that I'm not still busy with both kids.

So, all that to say that you have to continue to remind him of all the things you are doing for your family. I like the idea of giving Daddy and Baby some space while you're home so they can bond and you can see what is going on from a distance. Maybe you could tell your husband that you're really tired and would like to take a nice, relaxing bath/shower. Leave the door open some so you can still hear what's going on. I do this a lot. The hard part is reminding yourself that he is a parent too and some control needs to be given over to him (another thing I have a hard time with).

One last thing. I know, this is getting to be way long, lol. But, the one last thing I'm wondering is what is Daddy doing while he is caring for the baby. My husband will get very frustrated with our son sometimes because he won't stop crying. I was so tired of hearing about it that I just told him straight-out "It's because all you're doing is sitting on your butt. You have to do different things to try to calm him down like standing up and bouncing or talking to him. You can't just sit there and expect it to stop." He may not realize that babies need to be soothed in different ways.

I hope this helps at least somewhat. My prayers are with you.

God bless,
A.

If dad feels anxious or tense the baby can feel it and that may be why she cries because babies can sense that. Tell dad that he needs to deal with it. Once you go back to work you will need all the extra help from dad that you can get. My husband helped out most with child number one too. It seems the more kids you have the less help you get and I don't know why. Sometimes I think that they think well we have one child so she can handle another by herself seeing as she is used to having one child already. They don't seem to think that you do anything all day when you are at home. As far as that list goes that he made I would have thrown it in my husbands face. Tell him flat out that you expect more help when you go back to work because it is going to be more stressful on you. Good luck and I hope dad steps up to the plate.
D.
I am 31 and have been married going on 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 great boys ages 10,7 and 4. My husband works full time as a diesel mechanic (4 a.m.- 1 p.m.) and I work part time doing construction with a friend of ours who has his own company.

I feel your pain! My husband and I have two daughters ... the oldest just turned 4 and the "baby" will be 2 in May. With our oldest, my husband was immediately hands on. I was physically unable to breastfeed and he was right there ready to give her bottles, change her diaper, bathe her, etc. With our second, I was able to breastfeed and I felt like that had a huge impact on his willingness and/or ability to help with her. From the moment she was born it was kind of like the oldest was his and the baby was mine. I remember him commenting to me one night that he almost forgot how to change a baby's clothes and I responded by saying "she's 11 weeks old and this is the first time you've changed her clothes!?" I have gone through periods of feeling sorry for the baby because it seemed as though she didn't have the opportunity to bond with her daddy as the older one did. Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, the baby is about to turn 2 years old and my husband is completely in love with her. He doesn't play favorites as much as he used to, but I find that I still kind of hold an unhealthy grudge against him. It's been a long haul to get us where we are now, but my hope for you is that your husband will come around as mine did.

Good luck!

I was in your exact situation when #2 was born. We moved here from San Diego and like you have no family to trust. My husband went to everything with #1 and nothing with #2. Same excuses when I tried to leave and go do things. It does get better. Infants seem different to Dads when there is also a toddler in the house. When he came home from work he always played with my oldest and I had to ask him to come and say Hi to his second child. Now that #2 is 18 months Dad is really involved. As my husband stated...#2 is more active and fun to play with. As your daughter can interact with your husband more, I hope things will change. Luckily it did for us or divorce court could have been seeing us. As you said before, the first year is the toughest. Things are wonderful now.
Good luck!

Hello S.,

I'll be praying for you. I offer a few bandaids to you. When you are able to leave for an hour-and when you go back to work- leave one of your nightgowns (or a babyblanket) you have slept with/on/in. It will have your scent on it-which calms the baby. When she goes to daycare put that blanket in a ziplock bag (to hold the scent) The daycare providers will feed the baby your breast milk and then lay him/her down with the blanket that smells like you. That is a soothing calm feeling.
Make a list of everything that needs to be done. Write in who does it. Guys may need to "see" how much time that takes. I tried "come talk to me" while I (do whatever task it was)then I say that took 15 minutes, and I tell the baby thanks for being quiet while daddy and I did the dishes. (The baby is only 5 days old (they didn't understand but it didn't matter-really it was for dad.) Then I look at my list-hanging on the fridge. I say, "I probably only have another 15 minutes before she will need to (eat, be changed, etc.) What can I do in that amount of time? Sounds dumb-but they will think you want to dote on them (the dad-they are having a whining fit because you can't devote all attention to them and you aren't doing anything but "playing with the baby all day") and chances are they will begin to notice how long it takes to do stuff. Especially if you are willing to let the baby cry for 6 minutes (that's all they will be able to stand) You say, Oh it only takes me 15 minutes to mop this floor-get the baby and I'll finish this, or you can finish the floor and I can help her quiet down. This will help him to see the choices you made during the day. Your 3 month old can be placed in a carseat or swing in the area where you are doing housework. Your best ally is your 4 year old. Every cleanup job has something she can do to help. You make it a game. Come on help mommy, we are going to clean the kitchen and then play with the baby. Tell the 4 year old-throw this in the trash and I'll make dishwater. Give her a towel and let her wipe the table off-the fridge. Even if it isn't dirty..this is keeping her in the area where you are, and eventually she will be able to clean well. If you make it seem fun, he/she will enjoy helping out. You certainly don't need to be raising 2 more people who think you do it all. She can bring dirty dishes over that are not heavy. They can carry one thing upstairs and put it on the bed or where ever. Then when you straighten that room upthey can do small jobs there. My 4 year old children had the important job of replenishing the diapers and baby stuff in my various stations on each level. After we cleaned together, I rewarded them with book time (which helps them and once again keeps them busy and in a contained area. I can read a book, let them snuggle with me while you breastfeed, they can kiss the baby which helps them not resent the baby. Sometimes we shared a special snack or we watched a video. I bought flashlights like crazy back then too. That was a special reward for working without complaining. They got to read in the bed with the lights out using the flashlight. Of course they can't really read, but I had books with lots of pictures for them to look at. After a time of you reading them, they retell the stories and they just like the flash lights. I hope this helps you some.

Wow. Im a little embarrassed to admit this in front of other moms, but.. well, here goes.

With our first child (a girl) my husband wanted to do everything. If he could have lactated, he would have breast-fed. The only thing he DIDNT want anything to do with was getting up or staying all night, whichever the case may have been. We ended up having our second child 12 1/2 months later. (Irish twins) Of course, dad was in love with child #2, a boy, as well. (Some people would have wondered if Dad wasnt really MOm) HOWEVER, During labor with child #2, my dura was punctured while getting the epidural and I ended up having to have two blood patches. I could hardly sit/stand/move/breathe. I was in a boat load of pain, yet once again, all the non-daylight duties were still mine, and because it was fall and thats a busy season for my husbands job, he was leaving for work bright and early and coming home after dark. Add to all of that the fact that our lovely littly boy was colicky from day one, refused to sleep at night and had to always have the lighting on full blast. AND because my new baby cried all the time, and our daughter did NOT like that little alien we brought home and SHE cried non-stop, my body thought I had twins. I moved so slowly (slower than a snail) from having 30cc's of clotted blood in my epidural column that I couldnt bend over and could hardly sit or stand and certainly could not pick up my one year old, everytime I tried to go through a baby-gate (because going over would have killed me) my one year old beat me to it. Every time I tried to go into the bathroom, my one year old beat me there. ANYWAY, my point is this-

After about a week of seeing my husband for about an hour every night before he'd hop off to bed, I finally decided to leave our darling infant in his bassinet, park him by daddy's side of the bed, and i crawled in bed with our daughter. (She was already in a twin by then).

He was quite surprised, to say the least. For a whole week (and two year's worth complaints and protests) I tried to sleep peacefully for at least four hours a night. He finally caught on. Our house was a tornado for about six months but i didnt care. I dont think I wore anything but pajamas for six months, but I didnt care.

Believe me, I know how miserable it is for a mother to NOT heed her infant's cries and wait for dad to (FINALLY) get out of bed to share the load, but I knew that if I didnt wait it out that I was going to end up hospitalized for exhaustion and divorced from resentment.

I also knew that if I tried to "talk" to him about what I was feeling or going through, that I would never be heard. Actions speak louder than words, and he got the message loud and clear.

As a matter of fact, because of that "forced" time with our second child, the bond they share is so strong and they are so close that sometimes I get jealous- when i gave birth to our third child (another boy) I refused to let dad even hold him for a long time!

I know that "forcing" him to help you could backfire in a lot of ways, but you've got to sit him down and tell him exactly what you're feeling, what youre going through, etc. For heavens sake, what youre going through right now is the fastest way to end up with full-blown post partum depression. You have got to get help so you can have some YOU time, even if it means hiring a baby nurse.

Do you attend a church where there are older women who could take turns coming over and helping out? Is it an option to put your first in day care for a couple of hours two or three days a week to give yourself a small break?? Do you have a neighbor who could come over every other day for coffee and adult conversation??

Hi S.,

My husband went through a similar phase with our daughter, who is now 2. When our son was born (he's 4), he was great about getting up in the night with him, playing with him, holding him all the time, etc. The difference started right away with my second pregnancy because I knew within a week of finding out I was pregnant that it was a girl (mother's intuition and HORRIBLE morning sickness). The thought of a daughter scared my husband to death - it still does. :) I wonder if this is how your husband is feeling and is afraid to vocalize it.

Even after my daughter was born, my husband struggled with the fact that she was a girl. He would make comments about how he wished she had been a boy or that she was more temperamental because she was a girl, etc. (My husband isn't usually that horrible!! :) ) The one thing that he did really well with her was getting her to go to sleep at night. She would fuss for an hour - or three, and he would walk through the house bouncing and rocking and shhhhing her as long as it took. Pretty much everything else was up to me. I was also living hours from family, so I didn't have backup.

It was physically the hardest time of my life for me with next to no sleep and no free time because my daughter wouldn't take a bottle. In the first 8 months I was away from her for one day (maybe 5 or 6 hours). Other than that, I would get maybe an hour or two while at church. I found the only way I could stay sane was to find something in my room or away from the kids but without leaving the house to refresh. I love baths, so I would take a long bath and read a book. When my kids were a little older, I would leave them with my husband and go to a coffee shop and relax for an hour or two. It gets better!!! :)

Now, my husband adores our daughter. He is still terrified of having a tween and teen daughter, but he's talking to trusted friends who have older daughters, and he's finding out that they don't all go through the rebellious phase where they fight with their parents every day.

Hopefully once you're back at work, your husband will realize his need to chip in a lot more. Getting out of the house will most likely help you be ready to spend lots of time with your kids having fun, too. When I went back to work (my daughter was 18 months old), it became a lot easier for me to enjoy the time with my kids because I didn't get to spend all my time with them any more.

My suggestion is to keep talking to your husband about how you're feeling and let him know that you're doing everything you can, and you need his help. If he's like my husband, you'll probably have to give specific things you want him to do. My husband is in charge of bills, dishes and does most of the laundry. Since I work second shift and he works first, he also cooks dinner at least 4 days a week. He is the one who usually enforces the kids picking up toys, too. :) It took some time, but we have been able to find a division of responsibilities that we both can live with. I hope you can do the same!

where do the children go if you are working? i seem to remember my children as babies crying with anyone but me for a Very long time...maybe dad is a bit tense from the move and the new babe and maybe financial concerns-babe can feel this even if he Tries to smooth out his vibes children and babies FEEL these things that we find so much easier to deny. Take your baby's cues. -if you can- sometimes the situation is one where baby has to deal- i cried alllll the time as a baby-ALL the time. "The more we endure the more is the Force and the Love of the Lord with us and the greater is the joy of the Victory. " maybe that little quote will help. :)
here's another note... i think we've bought into this whole idea of men and women having to share all roles to an unnatural extent...i believe it~ yet also i believe Generally speaking that a woman IS more intuitive and open and more naturally suited to caring for babies and children. The first child born is so amazing because it is so new by the second we have kindof been through this and that and the natural falling into place of who does this and that may make the picture much different looking than it was with the first. Try to live according to what IS rather than criticising what is for not being the picture you expected-let your world evolve into it's own unique picture and story. Maybe there are other ways he can help if you let him do what comes naturally to him. for example, maybe he will be helpful by taking on more with the older or maybe he'll make more money so you don't have to go back to work outside the home. Maybe he'll start making dinner- lots of men are into cooking these days... maybe if you kinda lay off criticising him in your mind, he will do the same - and men kinda like lists- the children's dad once asked me to make him lists of what needed to be done and i thought it was so stupid because could he not See what needed done? :) so Maybe it is not the insult it seems or maybe it was his reacting to your criticism of him. Maybe try to just enjoy and flow with how things ARE and your husband will be able to feel his place in the glad atmosphere rather than revolt against taking blame for something he does not feel is his blame to bear. Please do not imagine i am 'taking his side' because it is not like that- you are both on the Same side and from my experiences i have found that it IS better to love than to criticise- and i have done my share of criticising and i felt Justified and right and maybe i was right but love solves a situation through time and criticism makes the problem even MORE problematic. It may certainly not change overnight but i am speaking from years of difficult times and bad feelings and what i have found has helped to improve a thing and what has made a thing more difficult- we are fighting our own self when we fight another. One's ideal is not lived according to how far others will go with one's flow and buy into one's ideal - one's ideal is lived through one's own self. For instance, i want harmony and all around me others are arguing and even arguing with me. i can only not argue. i can only not feed into what i do not believe in. i cannot impose that on others-imposing on others is not harmonious does not create peace or harmony in others or with others. When it is said that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink~ you can lead by your example but you cannot force another to drink from the same well you can only drink from it and let them do the same or find their own well- maybe they will come back to your well(your way) maybe they will find their own we don't have to drink from the same well in order to get along. another quote, "The whole trouble comes from the fact that you cannot harmonise with someone unless he is in agreement with your own ideas and his opinion and way of doing things are in conformity with yours.
You must widen your consciousness and understand that everyone has his own law. It is necessary to find the ground of understanding and harmony in a happy combination of individual wills and not to try that all may be the same in an identical will and action."
Have you seen The Secret? http://thesecret.tv/
it's only 5 dollars to watch it on your computer(full screen) and you they send you a link so you can come back to it if you need to close the window for any reason and come back to finish watching it later- you can use your bank card.

It sounds like maybe your husband hasn't felt a connection because the baby hasn't bonded with him yet and that in turns hurts his feelings (but a man would probably not admit that), which in turn makes him distance himself. It's important not to put your husband on the defensive, because then he will distance himself even more.

BUT it is equally important to tell him exactly what you are feeling. If you can't say it, write it in a letter. He needs to know exactly how you are feeling - otherwise your resentment will only get bigger once you start working again.

One thing that worked for me was by giving more control to my husband (I am a controlling person, so it is hard for me to do). Ask HIM how to handle the situation you are in. Maybe by putting your husband in charge of the situation, it might help. You really have to tell him how you are feeling though - over-whelmed, resentful, sad, scared about going back to work, etc.. If he can understand your feelings, maybe he can help suggest a way to fix it. It might be easy for us women to think of a way to fix the situation (and seems like common sense) - but the guys don't always get it.

He needs to spend more time w/ the baby while you are home - but in a different room. That way he can bond, and you are close (also to see in fact if the baby is screaming). Maybe you can explain that you really would like to spend some quality one-on-one time w/ your 4 year old (at home in another room). If your husband cannot think of this suggestion on his own, then maybe you can help give him this idea - but again without sounding demanding.

S., Just quickly,
Hang in there. A wise friend once told me that with the first child, the wife realizes that her life is not her own, and with the second child, the husband realizes it. (But it takes awhile). Our lives are truly not our own once we have children! I had some similiar problems. We are on baby #3 and my husband is WONDERFUL (NOW) at realizing when I need a break, and helping out and our third is actually attached to him more! If you need to get out, dad has to find a way to deal with (or soothe) the crying for a couple hours. Remember (and remind him) that this season will pass, but when it does, you can't ever get it back! Try to enjoy it.
J.

S.,
I can't really give any advice because I am a new parent of a 3 month old little girl and just learning the ins and outs of parenting. I can however, give you some empathy because I am returning to work this week and not sure how I am going to handle all of it. All of my family lives out of town too, luckily I do have a supportive husband. Just know there are others out there in similar situations. Maybe your husband could give you at least one day a month for yourself, it would help you to be the best mom you can be with that time.

Hi S.,
Wow! this is a tough one. I know how exhausting those first months are with a new baby. I had three in five years. I can sense that you are puzzled and hurt that the great father -child bonding just hasn't happened with your daughter. like it did with your son. I get a gut feeling that this move has been stressful for you both, and I'm wondering if your hubby is really stressed out about something and is too overwhelmed to have the time or patience for this child. Only he knows, so I'd suggest that you make time to really talk with him, with a counsellor if necessary. Guys generally hide their feelings , hoping that things will get better on their own. They never do, and the energy it takes to "soldier on" just leaves a guy running on empty. Don't leave this one too long. Your marriage and your children are too precious. If talking doesn't work, get a pro- pastor, rabbi , counsellor- involved. God bless! A..

For some reason it always seems like men think we are just lounging around during maternity leave :) The only thing I can say is keep on communicating how you are feeling! Tell him point blank I feel very overwhelmed and I need you to help with this this and that. It seems like a lot of men are like that unfortunately. However, since he wasn't with the first it makes me wonder if he just doesn't know what to do with a girl. You know men sometimes think baby girls are so much more fragile and the diaper changing is strange to them cause its not a boy! Ask him what is going on. Also keep in mind your hormones are probably still crazy so for me I tended to cry a lot, think I was doing it all, and just plain over react about stuff that wasn't as major as I thought it was at the time. Hope something in this long reply helps you. :)

I do think it is different for dads the second and third time around. I am inclined to agree that the involvement with your first baby was the novelty of it. Now he knows what to expect and the dr.s visits aren't new anymore. Do you breastfeed? I realize that's a personal question, but with my friend, because she breastfed and that's where her babes got their comfort she really was the only one that could soothe them. It made her husband insecure and resentful and he honestly thought the baby "didn't like him." I think the baby just picked up on his stress. It was like he anticipated a rough time and the baby picked up on it and just kind of followed through. He was like his own prophet of doom.

What if you made a point to include hubby in everything? Maybe he hasn't realized yet that while this is the first baby this new baby still has all her own firsts and they won't be exactly the same as baby number one. Her smile will be different, her laugh, her coo. If he is anxious about being alone with the baby, bring the baby to him. Change her where he is. Bring her in the room with him when she wakes up at night. Feed her sitting next to him. Have him be the one that talks to her and holds the toys when you give the bath. Facilitate the bonding time for him with you being the security he needs by being there.

If all else fails, kick his butt. I mean that with love. :)
Men are famous for just not getting it. You may have to stomp your feet a little.

I recommend a great source to help with husband and life in general. I understand the busyness of your life, a reference tool which will always be available to you - The Power of a Praying Wife - author - Stormie Omartian. Spouses listen to each other to a certain degree, you want change in your spouse, read the book.

hi S.. I have kind of been going through the same thing with my husband of 10 years and 3 children later. My first is a stong-willed girl then energetic 6 and 2 year old boys. Our first and third wasn't exactly planned. I was happy to have a second boy because I think their somewhat 'easier' and thinking having another boy my hubby will take more intiative in his care and overall help more now that my job has increased. We also live out of town with no family around. Have you been thorough alot of changes before, during, after your baby's birth? (moving, relocating, start new jobs, family stress, behavior issues with son, etc. ) We had alot going on prior, moved back home literally to be closer with family for short while while job stability was uncertain, lived in close quarters with inlaws, we had to sacrifice alot, kids had to share a room, had little room to play (strict grandparent rules) had to be quiet during papa's nap,-he worked night shift. Hubby started new job and on top of that was going F/T for Masters degree out of town, so we only saw him most weekends! SOrry to go on and on just painting a real picture. Do you think your husband is depressed? has he withdrawn from you or things that you used to enjoy? I noticed my hubby/s distance at the hospital when he was bringing us home. We are going through alot of difficulty since then and our baby just turned 2. If you ever need to talk, I am willing to listen. Being a mom and not having the support one deserves is the hardest thing. All I can advise is to find a mom's playgroup, church group to get to know other moms who may be going through the same issues. You could always talk to your dr, gyn.ob's may know of a moms support group in your area. There are 2 national moms support groups that I have been involved for years who have been very helpful to me. Check their sites at www.Momsclub.org They have weekly age appropriate playgroups, outings to baby and mom as well as a Monthly Mom's Night out. and secondly, there's www.MOPS.org (they are Christian based meet 2X a month and even have a mentor mom available (whom I'm speaking to now about discipline issues,etc.)THey have outing in summer only but still have Mom's Night out every so often. The children are well cared for by trained childcare workers while moms attend the meeting, have breakfast, sometimes they have a speaker or a craft or game of some kind. I am presently a member and very happy with it. You can preview a meeting before joining to see if its a good match for you. In my case my local MOms Club wasn't very welcoming as the MOPS. Good luck!

S.,
If you are not nursing, leave for the day or the weekend. Don't tell him your plans, just get up on his next day off and pack a day bag and say "goodbye you are on your own! Here are the list of chores that need to be done." I know it sounds harsh and the thought of leaving your daughter will probably be heartbreaking but he has to learn that you are only human and you are only one person. Do not answer your cell phone either. Go have a day for you. Get your hair and nails done and get "you" ready to go back to work. If it doesn't cause him to wake up then at least you got a day off!We are expecting our third and I only agreed to have another as long as he knew up front that if this is what he wants he is going to have to do the work. I let him pick out the decor for the nursery and told him to get a good comfy chair because he will be the one sitting in it in the middle of the night!
We also moved here from out of state and have no family here to help. Finding a baby sitter was hard when the kids were smaller. You just get to know people and ask who they use.
I hope this helps. Just remember sometimes mom has to take care of mom too because no one else will!

A little about me:
I have been married to my husband for 11 1/2 years. We have two wonderful children 8 & 9 years old. We are expecting our third this summer.

Wrote you a list of more things to do? Apparently he is as alot of men who don't think housework or taking care of the kids is work! You just had a baby and he wrote you a project list? How about taking care of yourself and getting back to normal? Id try talking to him again. Letting him no exactly how you feel. Good luck!

D.

Hi S.,

I just wanted to say that I would continue to ask for help and when you need help possibly you husband could hold the baby but stay close to you in some way.

Do you have a church home? I know it's been a blessing to us and we are like you we don't have any family in the state we live in and it's hard at times. My kids are older, we have 4, ages 4 1/2 to 15 1/2 and when my husband is gone it's a struggle. My church family has been so good to us. I would also pray a lot, God listens very well.

I think sometimes our husbands just can't cope well when our babies cry, my husband would give our youngest back when she would fuss. I hope this helps and I know as your daughter gets older it will get easier. Just enjoy them while they are little it doesn't last long enough at all.

Blessings,
L.

First of all you need to remind your husband that he is also one of the parents. Having a child was a joint decision and he needs to bound with the child too.

I don't know if you are church going people (I practice native circle) but if you are you may want to have a counciling session with your minister. If you aren't you may need to consider marriage/family counciling and get to the root of this problem. I wouldn't wait to long to do it.

Wanting and having children are two very different things. Just as fathering/mothering a child and being a parent are two very different things.

You need to be open with him completely, it sounds like you are starting to resent the situation you are in. You are going to have to have child care to return to work, you need to trust someone with the baby other than just you or your husband.

Have you spent any quality time with just him since the birth of the baby? That may also be a resentment that is building up and you will need to nip it in the bud if you want your marriage and children to have both of you involved and commited.

P. R

Get "sick"! It'll force him to step up and realize how good he's got it~!

Sounds more like you need some marriage counseling and well as daddy training. Do you have some agency that helps families in your area. Check with your friends from work, church, doctor, pediatrician, etc. In a city that size there should be many answers. When you find a sitter situation check it out for a week (volunteer to help out for a day or so) so you will feel more at ease with them. Does your husband take care of the boy so you have more time for the baby or has he quit all household help. You may need to have someone else point out to him that his help is appreciated and needed (like a professional counselor or doctor). I assume he is trying to fit in in his new position at work. Maybe he is frustrated with it and taking it out on you and the kids. All this has to be looked into. GOOD LUCK

I'll be praying for you. It sounds like you are in a very frustrating situation. Don't lose heart!

I'd love to be give you suggestions to get dad involved, but I've been trying for 4 yrs and still unsuccesfull. To help you maintain your sanity I can make some suggestions. Meet your neighbors... they can probably give you the names of good babysitters and you might be able to "share" work with them. (I have a neighbor who also works full-time and we take turns watching eachothers kids in the evening for an hour so the other one can make dinner and do a load of laundry) It's still exhausting trying to be a single parent, while married, but it makes it a little more managable. Also, have you thought about hiring someone to come in and clean every two weeks. It makes a huge difference when I can afford it.

About me: I have a new 4 yr old with another quickly on the way, work full-time at a profesional job (out of need) and run a home with 2 kids (DH and 4yo), 2 dogs and a cat.

S.,
Babies can sense anxiety. She's probably feeding off the energy he's giving off. Is he nervous about taking care of a girl vs. a boy? who is going to keep her when you go back to work? Him? Have you tried a "trial"run with him?(leave her with him for several hours) to see how he does.
He's going to have to learn to entertain/interact with her. You could just stay home one day and let him do everything for her just as if you were gone, that way you can "supervise". One day away might do you some good esp. if you are getting burned out. As far as the LIST, tell him to kiss your ---!!The nerve of him. Take your day off and leave him with both kids AND a list of his own.
I hope this helps! Keep us posted!!
R.

Hi S., I wish I had some good advice, all I can offer is my sympathy. My husband is great (and was, before our daughter passed),with our son. But I have the same kind of problem, he WILL NOT pick up up after himself, I leave the house at 5am for work, in a clean state, I come home every room is trashed. I am talking garbage on the floor, just the other morning, at 4am, stepped on a pickle with mustard. He couldnt even pick that up. The trash can is right beside the toilet, but empty rolls go on the floor. I finally gave up the fight, and resigned myself to the fact that I can argue every day, or get divorced, or accept I will always have 10 times the work I should. We are also transplants, it is hard to find a sitter, our son is 5 and I still cant really find anyone, we so rarely get out. How are you going to go back to work, or do you have a daycare worked out? I know my problem isnt the same, and I would rather he be good with our son, but you really need to just accept this your life. Maybe he wanted anouther boy? I bet as your daughter gets older, she will be Daddys Little Girl. I wish you the best of luck, I am sorry if I sound harsh. As far as his list, I would make him spend an entire day with both kids and tell him to the list done. Even with a 5 year old, there are things I dont get done. Try it with a newborn. Again, sorry if I sound harsh, I dont mean to. Good Luck, A.

S.:

Does he help out with the four year old? I think it is somewhat odd that he would be SO involved with the first but not with the second. My husband was more involved with the second as she was an "easier" child. It could be that he is fearful of her getting upset. But, he needs to get over it and figure out a way for your daughter to "bond" with him too and not cry every time you leave. I think personally that it's just easier for them (men)to say "you're better at it" than it is to try. I feel for you without the help of extended family. All the more reason for him to help you out so that you don't get more overwhelmed. Tell him it is imperative that he participate and that your daughter bond with her dad as well as her mom or those feelings of ressentment will continue to build.

I'd say you are lucky he helped with the first one! My husband hardly looked at our baby for her first two years. His excuses were the same -and she was colicky and high-spirited, but he didn't even have a job! He just screwed around on the computer all day long. I had to fight with him to leave the house for an hour so I could go excercise the baby weight off at the gym! He has been a little better with the second one, who is an easy baby, but not much (at least now we have a nanny/housecleaner).
I think men are lazy and expect women to take care of everything for them. And it's partly our fault, too, because we let them -my advice to you is go to a counselor, join a mom's group, hire some help if you can afford it, and raise your son right -don't spoil him -make him clean up after himself and have him help out around the house. That way maybe the next generation of men will be better. I think the mothers of our generation spoiled their sons!
Do you think he is less involved because it's a girl?

Is he helping you out with your son while you tend to the baby? I have a 3 month old girl as well and two older boys (4 and 2). My husband didn't figure out how to "Think outside the box" until the third one came along. About your husband not attending well check ups this time, I would think it was the novelty of the first one. My husband attended every prenatal appt. the first time and none the second or third. He doesn't change her diapers much or sit with her unless I go somewhere but I'm okay with that. I know he's not good with newborns. But we have a balance. He plays like crazy with the boys and gets them ready for bed. As far as your chore list he gave you...lol! I always found it amazing that I couldn't find time to walk down to the end of the driveway and grab the mail! My sister has her husband stay home for a week with the newborn when she goes back to work. Have him do that and I'm sure he'll chuck that list out the window!

Boy, can i feel your pain! I am a SAHM of 4, and since my hubby works an 8-5 day, he feels he has the right to come home and do nothing. I mean NOTHING! Sitting in his La-z-Boy is about it. He has said several times that being a full time Mom is not a REAL job. I'd like to kick him in the a** on that one! Like you said, HOW does he think the house get cleaned and he has clean clothes to go to work in? Fairies?!?!? I have a 15 year old, whom is his stepdaughter. We married when she was 5 yrs. old. WE have 3 of our own, ranging from 8-8 months. (8,4, & 8 mo.) He never helped me out with child #1 let alone 2 and 3. In fact, when i discovered (To my shock) i was pregnant with our now 8 mo. old daughter, i told him outright "I am not happy!"...because i do not get help from him with our children. I do breastfeed, and he uses that against me. He also says B.S. things like "they prefer you, because you nurse them.". Uh, no. Not all the time. That may be true in the first few months of life, but we "nursers" do not have a baby hooked up to our breasts 24/7, so get off your lazy man-butt and interact with your child! Your hubby sounds alot like mine. He too is reluctant to interact with our 8 mo. old...pretty much since birth. I truly feel like a married single-mom. By the way, he has not changed one of her diapers. And, he only changed ONE of our others children's diapers apiece...their very first diaper change needed while in the hospital. I think that was a dog-and-pony show to make him look good in front of the relatives/in-laws. He's a good Dad now, once they got older and became more interactive and talkative...and he will snuggle with our new baby...on his terms. I have a TON of resentments over his behavior! Why do fathers think it's ok to pick and choose when they can parent, or spend "quality" time with their kids? I have to parent all day everyday, whether i want to or not. my "JOB" isn't 8-5 monday thru friday. It's all day, everyday. I hate 'forcing' his own children on him. I feel i should'nt have to. YOU should'nt have to either! I can't even get him to watch the baby while i go to the grocery store. Isn't that sad? I can't even get a break to go do a mundane chore i loathe. Gee, i don't know if i've been a help or a hinderance to you! Sorry! I just read your post, and i SO related to your situation. It's not fair, and you are not alone. Sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat. I'm just happy that not all of you posters out there have selfish hubbies! And trust me, i have considered divorce several times...he is so selfish and stubborn, he will not change his ways to make me happy. He also will not get a vasectomy, and expects me to bear the responsiblity of birth control on top of all my other responsiblitites. Well, guess what? I have! It's called "No sex!!!". When do i have time anymore, anyways? :) Good luck to you, S....email me anytime. Maybe we can mutually "Vent". LOL!

Hi,
i feel your pain. I am a grandma now, and raised 4 children. You husband sounds like he is overwhelmed with life. I know you are overwhelmed because i have been in your shoes. But for men, the responsibility of adding one more child to raise can seem undaunting. At 3 months, you may be the only one who can soothe her, especially if he is not comfortable with her yet. I say, give him time and attention and pray he comes around. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
My prayers are with you,
lj westrick

I can totally relate to you on this, your husband sounds like my husband! I only have one daughter who is now 2.5, but I am pregnant now and am worried that he isn't going to help out at all! I believe your husband just can't deal with all the crying (from the new born) and maybe for both of you, he only watches the baby for short times, because if he can't handle it, it won't be good for anyone. But he really should help a bit more. I can't believe you are working full time and he isn't helping more! You need to let him know that you can't handle it "all" on your own! This is a tough subject to deal with! I know it is hard on you, but hang in there.... it will get better/easier. But honestly, I really think you need to demand help, cause otherwise you won't get it! These are his kids too, I started resenting my husband when I first had my daughter, cause he didn't get up at night feedings, and didn't do much else either. I remember times where I would be crying because I couldn't mentally handle everything (my daughter/cleaning/the dogs & then going back to work). The first few months we were fighting a lot. My husband never got "it" either! Some woman can "do it all" (and don't mind it) and some can't, and I have realized that I am one of those people who can't possibly do it all! You really need to tell him how you feel, good luck!