Seeking Advice About "The Talk"

I think that at ages 9 and 12, you definitely need to have the talk with both of your boys, especially the 12 year-old. Unfortunately, some 12 year-olds experiment with sex and oral sex. You want the information he gets to come from you, and not other kids at school or from movies etc....Get some books and give him a very direct talk about the anatomy and how it works. Make sure you make it clear that only consenting adults, or married people (whatever your beliefs are) should have sex. And make sure he knows about protection and the potential consequences of sex. Good luck!

You should be communicating with both of them. Your younger one probably knows much more that you care to know about.

We only have 1 child, daughter almost 16. From day 1 we were open and honest with any questions, etc. It is not a touchy topic because it has been incorporated into our conversations,etc. It is natural, nothing to be ashamed of.

My take on it was that I preferred to answer any questions my daughter had vs her getting the wrong info from friends, etc.

A 9 yr old should know the facts.

Your younger one is old enough to know about these things. He might know more than you! They'll probably joke around about it anyway, no matter when you talk to them. But you need to be the one telling them about all of it. Because I'm sure they're talking about it in school. It needs to be more like an ongoing conversation rather than just a talk. Let them know they can always come to you with any questions.

You should tell them both. I'm sure they already have an idea. I had to tell my daughter at age 8 because she asked her cousin if my brother and his wife were having sex (they were making out). I told her what it was "when a mommy and daddy love each other..." She said "ew." and that was it. I told her that if she had any questions that she could ask me any time and she hasn't yet. She's almost 10 now.

It's easy to tell from your post that your really uncomfortable with this. Maybe if you tried to relax a little and use them as a cue to when to start discussing sex it would be easier. I think the idea that there is a specific talk where you tell them whatever you think they need to know about sex is outdated and not very realistic. It should be an ongoing dialouge in your family as your boys grow up. The fact that they are talking about girls being hot is not only a sign that they're thinking about it but it's an opportunity for you to jump in with your ideas on the subject. I'm sure they already know the basics what's important is they learn about respecting themselves and girls, the emotional side of things, your values etc. We all know boys (and sometimes men ;) have a way of thinking of sex in a purely physical way. You and your husband need to help them understand the rest of it. Don't let your concerns about your oldest prevent you from being open and honest about this, it's so important they get a balanced and matured opinion to counter the boy talk and the media messages they see. What's the worse that can happen, you get a little embarrased in the grocery store?

Hi, D.:

First of all, how to you role model good relationships between males and females.

When they are clowning around, it would be an excellent time to stop it and have a circle meeting with husband as well.

Ask them these questions:

What happened?
What were you thinking of at the time?
What have you thought about since?
Who has been affected by what you have done?
In what way?
What do you think you need to do to make things right?

After both tell you the answers to these questions.

Then you and your husband tell them:

What you thought when you realized what had happened.
What impact this incident had on you and others.
What has been the hardest thing for you.
What you think needs to happen to make things right.

In this way the issue is addressed without telling them anything.

Good luck.
D.