Hello,
My boyfriend of five years has an eight-year-old daughter. I have known her since she was four, and have lived with her part-time since she was six. She is a very bright child. She loves reading and math. My bf has switched jobs recently (having less time w/ her) and I think this combined with Mom's lack of discipline/ wanting to be friends not mom is hurting her.
She has recently been lying, and stealing. We are starting family counseling this week, but I was wondering what else can we do to help her? We set up chores for her to do but because of the difference in the households she needs to be reminded daily, and slacks on doing them. It turns into a nagging fest and she gets upset and cries... about everything.
We have family game night, and I was thinking of having dad and her do something she wants every week.
Anything else? Its so hard only having her 3 1/2 days trying to enforce house rules and chores and then she goes to moms and does whatever she wants... comes back to our house and its not fair because we make her do things she doesn't want to do.
Any advise would be helpful. Thank you!
She's old enough to understand that the rules are different at dad's from the rules at mom's.
And while it's a long time to wait, when she's grown, she will be grateful to you for actually teaching her responsibility.
It wasn't until she moved out and saw how her boyfriend, who had little resposibility growing up, behaved that she realized what a favor I had done her.
Being married to someone ho has a child w/someone else is difficult & will
present many issues throughout the relationship.
My suggestionis to keep in mind she is only6 (so don't expec so much
at this age...not so many chores), remember she has 2 households w/2
diff set of rules.
Don't be too hard on her at this age.
Keep in mind at this age they do need to be reminded. At age 15 it's more
laziness than at this age.
Be supportive, be kind.
Try to cultivate a relationship w/this child.
Try to be a positive role model.
All of these things will go a long way in making your household a happy one
& the relationship btwn you too a good one. Plus it will cement the
relationship you have w/the dad instead of driving a wedge btwn you two
and ruining it.
Being 6, living in 2 households, w/diff rules/diff people, having your dad w/
someone else & your mom w/someone else is difficult.
So be kind, give her a break, try to do things together as a family when she
is there that are fun & build strong connections & memories. This will go
far.
Building a relationship with her now is key!
Let your husband take the lead. It's his child.
Also, if you don't & he lets you take the lead which happens a lot....it will
come back to bite you in the butt.
Hang in there. Being a stepmom is a hard, thankless job in a lot of families
but if you are a good person, try & do your best it will all work out & be
very rewarding!!!
Do not worry about what she does at her mom's house ("her mom lets her
do whatever she wants"), that is just how it is & is like that in most
divided families.
"It's not fair because we make her do things she doesn't want to do", while
some things are just the way they are in 2 households....be sure to have a
loving home that is not too overly strict or devoid of emotional connection.
It will go a long way in the future as far as relationships & connections if
you heed my words.
Let hubby discipline her. Mine let me do it & low & behold...I became the
bad guy. It wasn't my job yet he let me do it so I could be the scapegoat.
Just remember to be kind & loving. She's only 6, she's young & there will be
many stages/ages for her to go through. You can all go through them
together in a good way.
While she can't do everything she wants to do, let her do some things so
your house is fun, loving, stable & a place she wants to come to.
Being 6 w/rules from our parents is hard but being 6 w/divorced parents is
even harder esp when there are mates for the respective spouses.
Hang in there. Let dad be the parent. Take his lead.
Make her birthday special.
Go places as a family
Don't over-enforce everything!!! Can't stress this enough.
Remember this mantra: be kind, be loving, let dad lead.
Wishing you the best! pm me if you have any extra questions. :)
Having rules at your house is essential. Eventually she will understand.
Did you know in Japan the children clean at school and don't have janitors? Fun fact to share with her, lol.
Another thing you, or you and BF, and she can do is volunteer. I did this with my step kids several times and it is worth every minute you spend looking for causes that allow kids to volunteer. We have packed bags of food for homeless, helped at an event for impoverished kids, etc. it's a great talking point as well as an avenue for you to give positive praise.
I also signed my kids/step kids up for a local event/camp that talked about sensitive topics-drugs, stealing, bullying, etc. it was called celebration camp and was put on by church/therapist volunteers.
Instead of doing what she wants I would give her the opportunity to give ideas for activities when she earns it. JMO-maybe because I have multiple kids.
My 9 year old (SD) has temper tantrums and I try my best to stay upbeat. Eventually she falls asleep and wakes up a different person. Sometimes I can avoid those instances by distracting her with tasks or activities she enjoys (like helping cook). Then she's more ready for chores.
You're already in family counseling but does she get any individual counseling? What else has changed in her life? How does her mom factor? Lying isn't just a stepkid thing, but it could be that she's compensating for things going on in the other half of her life, especially if the BM isn't happy about her ex moving on. It is hard when one parent does absolutely nothing and one has to be the hard @$$ (been there). I would bring up these concerns to the counselor in a private session (at least without her). My sks' BM allowed way more than we did and once SS asked DH (when he was much older) why DH was so hard on them. DH said honestly because their mother wasn't and someone had to guide them and teach them. It was just harder for us because something simple like picking up the towels on the bathroom floor was a huge deal when they spent too much time going feral with BM. I don't think DH was out of line strict but he had to hold them to a tighter line sometimes to bring them back from the unacceptable behaviors they picked up in their other home.
You and BF should also research parallel parenting vs coparenting. IMO, you are not going to change BM. You can only change your own home. Good luck.
Glad you're getting some counseling, that will help.
Just remember, you can only control what goes on at your house.
And I hope when you say "chores" they are fairly minimal? At that age my kids were really only responsible for very simple things, cleaning up after themselves, helping clear the table, helping carry in the groceries, etc.
I didn't give them bigger jobs until they were a bit older and actually wanted to earn some money, and they didn't really start wanting/needing money until they were like 10, 11 years old.
It's awful, isn't it? I feel so bad for our kids. I think you can only be consistent in your own home. Our kids have a chart on the fridge of daily chores that MUST be done before any fun. Homework, dishes and trash are daily and one other thing to do. Then it switched the next week to the other kid so they don't have to do the same thing every day.
It's hard to see now but when the kids get older, they will clearly see the differences between the houses. My husband and I have been together since my kids were 7 and 4 and they are 15 and 12 now and although they think our house is too "strict" they see that it's still better than their dads house who does nothing with them except see them every other week.
Understand that no matter what or how old she gets, she will always want her parents back together. So just love her and teach her and be consistent with her and she will be ok. And it's ok to tell her that both houses will be different and when she's at your house she must follow the rules. I remember when the kids were younger it always took them a couple days to adjust to being back at our house, but we had them 2 weeks straight so it was a little easier. I hope you can figure it out, counseling wouldn't hurt. Good luck.
The most important thing is to be consistent. Kids are very flexible and can adjust to fit many different environments. There are always going to be differences between the two households so you just have to do the best you can with it.
And . . . . as a stepmom for 16 years as well as a biomom . . . I can tell you that the things you mention are not unique to stepchildren. Kids in general will try to test your boundaries. Step just adds another dimension to it.
Good luck!
Lying is a stage. She'll get over it. Continue to call her on it when you see or hear it, in a nice but firm way pointing out the difference between a fib & the truth.
You have a lot more years to go. Keep your family/house schedule consistent & she will soon absolutely know how to behave at your house versus her moms. Kids are very smart. Don't worry. All will be OK.
Always come from a place of mellow love (think about your favorite Auntie maybe?) & make your home as safe & mellow as possible.
~And we only had every other weekend! You've basically got 50/50 which is awesome!
Just my .02 cents.
Step mother of 2 boys.
Now full grown & off on life & college!
Lying really has nothing to do with different rules at different houses. It's about character. Children lie sometimes. Some children lie often. I used to lie often and frequently about everything and nothing at all. Mostly I lied for two reasons, I loved a tall tale and to get my way.
Continue to be consistent in your discipline and rewards systems in the house. Quiet as it is kept since she is 8 she knows there will be different rules in different places. She is testing boundaries. It is good for her to have a place in her life where she learns to be disciplined and it is equally good for her to have a place where she can be free and easy.
Sports, school, summer camp, activities and social groups all have their own set of rules and guidelines for code of conduct that may be very different from her two homes but she has learned to manage them too. NEVER reward bad behavior or slack off in the expectations of her because she has comply of suffer the consequences of not doing what you have asked while at the same time perhaps suggesting the rewards for complying with the requests will be helpful too. It's a delicate balancing act.
In 10 short years she will be an adult and need to know how to do things like cook, clean, and manage her time. The home is the first place she learns these things. You being her step mom can help her learn these valuable skills along the way because it does take a village.
I know it's hard, but you're doing the right thing. Just keep on pushing through and providing a consistent environment when she's at your house.
Lying absolutely has to do with inconsistency. It's how she protects herself from a chaotic world. While it may not make much sense to an adult with fully developed critical thinking skills, it makes sense to her to protect herself with a lie from a world that never seems to make sense.
