Seeking Advice on Daughter's Behavior

Maybe she is looking for attention, maybe you are to busy for her needs.You should give the kitten away to someone else cause it sounds to me she's lacking something and she sounds confused. L

I'd get her a doll that she can take her frustration out on and start reprimanding her for taking it out on the cat. Show her how she can do whatever she wants to the doll, but only can be nice to the cat.

What I would have done with mine is to put them in a time out. So everytime she does something to the kitten Three minutes in the corner (three minutes because of her age a minute per year) or put her in her room and stick to the punishment also when you see her being nice to the kitty make a special point to tell her and maybe she can get a little treat So she see how happy you are when she is nice to the kitten.

When a child is reacting instead of responding, try to re-direct her. Let her know this may be hurting the cat. You could give a word picture that she could understand/relate to. Something I have used and it works really well is "Love & Logic". I have attached a copy of an article that may be very helpful. Also, go to the Love & Logic website loveandlogic.com for some great ideas and articles that are really helpful! The article is as follows:

Angry Kids
by Jim Fay

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why does my child always have an attitude? She's often disruptive, disrespectful or picking on other children. She's always the one with a chip on her shoulder." This frustrated parent expresses the feelings of many–Why is my child angry and how do I deal with it?

A child who acts out may be expressing other emotions through anger. A youngster may be experiencing a loss, a divorce or a move. A child may be trying to let the world know that his/her life is not what it ought to be. Regardless of the reason, it looks the same. But how can we deal with this angry attitude without being a psychologist?

A Parent's Job is to Understand, Not to Fix Things

Listening for understanding is impossible when a child is "drunk" on anger. Never reason with an angry child. Instead say, "It sounds like you're really mad. I want to listen and understand. I will listen when you're voice is as calm as mine. Come back then." If you can't make the child leave, you leave. Be prepared to repeat your calm statement if the child is determined to yell out the anger without leaving. "Don't worry about it now. We'll talk when you're calm."You may need to say this several times. Be prepared to play "broken record" with, what did I say? Use these phrases instead of reasoning. Reasoning will only fuel the anger.

"Thanks for Sharing That"

Once the child is able to discuss the anger, listen without reasoning. Try to avoid telling the child why he/she should not be angry. Avoid telling them that things will be okay and how to make it better. Your job is to prove that you understand – "It sounds like you get mad when I tell you it's time to do your chores. Thanks for sharing that with me. I'll give it some thought. If you think of a better way for me to remind you, let me know."

Parents Can Make It Worse

Parents who do not treat their children with respect send a message that says, "You're not worthy." These parents often communicate with a lot of yelling. This encourages the child to yell and scream back while the parents retaliate by getting madder. It's a vicious cycle that breeds chronic anger in the child.

In place of anger, parents should work on listening to their children in a non–threatening, honest and open manner. Most children will talk openly only after they truly believe their parents are interested in what they have to say and recognize their feelings.

When Anger Continues

If, despite your best attempts to understand your child's anger, there is no change in behavior after three months, parents should seek professional counseling for their child. In some instances, chronic anger is best helped by a professional.

Never reason with an angry child. Use empathy and understanding instead. "It sounds like you're really mad. I want to listen and understand. And I will listen when your voice is as calm as mine. Come back then."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

©1998 Jim Fay
Permission granted for photocopy reproduction.
Please do not alter or modify contents.
For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065.

How do you respond when she does this?

It seems like a lot of parents are afraid to discipline these days - but, in instances where it's a threat to the safety and well being of another (be it a person or animal), I truly believe a child needs to be presented with a CLEAR UNDERSTANDING of the impact and the rules re: such behavior.

Years ago, our cat was on the ledge of the upstairs balcony. The girls were too small to do more than reach up and pet him and, as I was on the ground floor, on the phone, I suddenly saw a white ball of fluff flying down, landing on our couch, below! Shocking, indeed!

Now, the cat was fine (albeit he looked pretty puffed up!) - I understood it was an accident - but I took that opportunity to sit them down in the most serious, serious manner (a mix of deep concern, a stern tone and disappointment, as well) - I asked them to imagine they were an animal that cannot talk - has no words to tell you just how AFRAID or HURT he is by something YOU did to him - how would you like to be in a world where you don't have a voice and someone did something that scared you or hurt you, really badly? Even if it's an accident, the cat's feelings are the same - he doesn't know that!

It wasn't the shortest lecture they ever got. I really made the effort to get the girls to connect, on an emotional level, to the feelings the animal couldn't describe and the fact that their actions were important for them to think about in life - how they impact others. I asked them, if they were a cat, which they would prefer, being around kids that gave them lovies or kids that scared or hurt them? What kind of people did they want to be - do they like knowing they scared him this way? Does that feel good inside? OR would they rather know they made him feel so much love he wanted to follow them around and cuddle in their laps?

I also put them in a big time out (to think about our discussion) and let them know how disappointed I was. I let them know that I totally knew it was an accident but that this is still a defenseless animal. I hated to see them cry (it made me want to cry!) - but, I was okay with the fact that what I had to say to them was upsetting to them - to let them cry and apologize. It meant they felt empathy and real feeling. I also made a real point to give them love afterwards, as well. They still needed to know that, while I don't approve of what happened (intended or not), I know, in their hearts, they are kind, kind little people who love the cat - little people who now knew better, I could see it!

All I can say is they clearly understood what wasn't going to be tolerated in our home and that they had a choice about their behaviors (and their behaviors matter, even if it's a cat). They also knew they had a loving mom, in spite of the disappointment. To this day, they are all animal lovers. I think it's good for kids to realize that some things are worth this kind of depth of concern - that it's truly serious and that their behavior will NOT be tolerated. And, of course, that there is room to screw up sometimes in life and still be perfectly great people. We all have to learn. And some of the best, BEST people screw up (no matter how big we grow!). That's just the way it is, being human and all.

Please don't get rid of your kitten right away. Discipline your daughter first and foremost. Because, she will have to learn to get along with animals and others and, the sooner she learns to self-correct, the better. When I discipline, I often remind our girls that, if I didn't care about them at all, I'd say - "go ahead, be nasty, be hurtful, be rude, be mean - if others don't want to be around you and you have no friends, who cares!" But, the fact is, I LOVE them and correcting their behavior is going to help them get along - so that others recognize their inner beauty and kindness and will want to be near them and be friends with them. So, even if it feels like I'm being mean sometimes...they understand that it's for their own good.

I wish you the very best with your daughter. This could be the start of a life-long love of animals - and that would only be because you cared enough to send this note out into cyberspace to all of us. You're a great and loving mom!

My children tend to torture the cat as well. The thing about it is they don't understand or have the capacity to feel empathy. Its up to the parent to instill in them compassion and caring for others(including animals) Its just disturbing as a parent to watch our child behave like this. We hear that serial killers start by killing animals. We know that this is unacceptable behavior but ask your self why you know this. Its because when you were young, someone(parents or guardian) got on you every time you were mean to a pet for years more than likely. There is nothing wrong with your daughter, you just need to correct her behavior and let her know it never ok to hurt!

p.s. My son once locked our cat in a small refrigerator....not ok!

3 is old enough to know better than to torture a cat, Is she aggressive towards other children she doesn't like? You need to make torturing the cat an unpleasant thing for her. I would suggest Train up a Child by Michael Pearl or Growing Godly Tomatoes which is an excellent source on the web for child training. If you get rid of the cat you only tempotarily solve the problem and she won't learn to not hurt the cat, it will just be out of her reach. It is like when a parent removes a "no no" object froom out of the reach of a child. The child learns nothing and has the option to disobey removed. Children need to learn to not disobey then they can function in life without everything being put up or given away. That's my 2 cents :)

First, I'd make sure she has NO ACCESS to things like makeup and Vicks Baby Rub! Not only are they potentially harmful to the kitten, but also to your daughter if she puts any of it in the wrong place (eyes, nose, etc.).

Second, she is definitely old enough to receive consequences for her actions. She's probably dealing with this situation as something to learn about her power in situations. Unfortunately, power over a kitten is something that's probably pretty challenging for a 3 year old to understand. She really needs your guidance and modeling to learn the proper way to treat this kitten.

Perhaps you could try playing with the kitten in front of her and demonstrate how gentle and nice one needs to be around animals. Then, remove the kitten from her proximity until she can demonstrate the good behavior herself.

If she continues to be dangerous for the animal to be around, it would probably be wise to give it away. It could set a bad precedent for future behavior around animals that could be dangerous. For example, a friend's dog could bite her, or another cat could scratch her if she isn't able to "play nice". You can always try again when she's a little older.

Good Luck!

Our almost 3 year old daughter thinks it's very funny to chase the kitty until he runs downstairs. Our daughter loves to be chased, so I am sure she thinks the cats loves it, too! So, to help her understand that it is wrong, we put her in time out in her room each time she chases the cat. Then, we go in and explain to her that Murphy is very small and gets really scared when he sees a big girl like her running after him. She then has to come out and say sorry to Murphy. We also give her a large amount of praise when she walks up to the kitty slowly and pets him gently. This happens much more frequently now, so I am confident that she is learning appropriate behavior. It's got to be so confusing for kids because when we go to my sister's house, our daughter loves to chase her dog. Her dog likes this and doesn't get scared, so it seems to be okay. What a mixed message she receives!

First, put all the dangerous stuff like the Vicks out of her reach. You don't want her getting that in her own or kitty's eyes. Second, give kitty a place to hide and maybe even confine him to a place your daughter can't go. Forbid her any contact with kitty until you can trust her. Explain to her that if she doesn't be nice, kitty may bite or scratch her. She is testing her limits and testing kitty's limits. She's not really being naughty, just exploring. If she is painting kitty with Vicks, maybe you can say "if you want to paint, then lets get out the finger paints and make a picture instead." You don't want to have to tell her "NO" 50 times a day and punish her every hour, but you can't let her get away with it.

Hi S.! When I raised my four kids, I used to read to them
each night before bedtime from a series of books called "Help Me Be Good". They covered a bunch of topics like Being Kind, etc,
and they were really great and my kids loved them. I made a big deal out of story time, and then during the day I referred back to what we had read. It just may help your little girl.
Let me know how she progresses. You're doing a good job...just don't give up. I'd keep the kitten and work real hard at showing her how to take care of the kitten and correcting her behavior incident by incident. Let's face it...training kids is a serious, full-time job, but only YOU as her mom know how to do it best.
Blessings!
:>) J.

Hi S., If you give the kitten away she will think she can control what goes and what stays, she needs to feel what the kitten feels, not saying beat your kid or rub vicks all over her; but I would tell her she is not allowed to play with the kitten for 2 or 3 days, and if she does then the usual punishments work like the corner, or to your room, you get the picture. Make her understand that the kitten's feelings get hurt, and she/he doesn't understand why she hurts it, when it loves her so much! Do your best to keep the kitten, if she can't control herself, it is best to know now, while she is still young enough to work with. Hope this helps, R.

Just make the interaction with the cat as a "reward" for a good behaviour. Let her understand that he is a life creature, not a toy and she needs to respect him. Show her how to do it. It took a while for my son to understand it but after I repeated it about 10 000 times he got it and now he is nice with our cat. The cat scratched him quite few times and I refused my sympathy pretending that I'm giving it to the cat who got so mad from his inappropriate behaviour that "he had" to scratch him. Just approach the subject as you are dealing with two siblings, after all it looks like you love your cat too and aren't they both your babies?
And I feel really sorry for all those people that gave you the advice to "get rid off" the cat. I wonder how they thought their children to respect the animals? What about people? To get rid off them? Yes, the shelters are overloaded with pets like that! And what we should do with the people we don't like anymore? My mom is very old, and yes, she is not "fun" anymore! She can't help and she needs lot of care, love and attention! Yes, it is really hard to handle her! Should I get rid off her? Should I put her in a human "shelter" or just euthanize her? What a great philosophy!

Hi S.,
I would give the kitten away before it scratches or bites her. Then no one would want it, which won't be fair to the kitten being it was trying to protect itself. Just tell her she'll have to wait to get another kitty when she is older and can help care properly for it. She will cry etc. but she will get over it. Get her involved w/ activities that will be able to give her body exercise so she can burn off her agressions/anxiousness.She'll grow into a sweet little girl soon. I promise.

S.,
I would give the kitty away to someone else to care for it, maybe someone who would be willing to keep it forever or just a week or two.
Then I would see if she's missed. If the kitty isn't missed thats the end of it, except to talk about kindness with animals and how to care for them by pointing out at given times or reading a book or telling a story about kindness and safety with animals. If she misses the kitty I would talk about keeping the kitty safe and how the kitty can't live here unless we are taking care of her and putting things on the kitty hurts her. Then try a stuffed animal kitty and work with her on being kind to it before bringing kitty home from her vacation.
It does seem she's too young for being alone with an animal as she would be an infant. Good luck, R.

Ahh, the proverbial teaching moments! You might try empathy training. I tried this with my sons and they responded well. You might tell your daughter to imagine what it would be like for someone to do (whatever she does to the cat) to her, and then demonstrate. For example, you could (gently) rub vaseline or put the makeup all over or restriain her when she is doing something else that she likes, and use that time to explain what kitty must feel. Hope this helps.
C.

S.,
I am an animal advocate. Give the kitten away to a good home. If you can't find one, take it to the local shelter where they can find a safe home for it. Get your daughter a stuffed kitty to take out her aggression on and keep any live pets out of the house until she has finished going through this stage in her life. Also talk with your pediatrician or a counselor to find the root to her anger.
-A.

simple. don't let her play with the kitten. after a while of that - if she really does love him - she will do as you say and be nice.

I think your daughter's behavior is very normal for her age. Perhaps slightly younger than her age. It is not uncommon for children of that age to test the limits of being "nice" and not being "nice". In mammal terms, its learning domination of lesser, or weaker mammals. There's nothing wrong with her.
Get rid of the cat. Get one in a couple years when she's old enough to really talk to about any behaviors like this if they were to appear then.
From R.N. nurse of 27 years, mother of three for 26 years :)

S.,

Your daughter maybe showing some early signs of what maybe some scary behavior to come. I am a Vet. tech. and think you need to find a home for that poor kitten. She is using that kitten for her anger issues that she or you can not control. Please take the kitten out of the equation and seek some professtion help with her issues. Your daughter is asking for help by using the kitten, Help your daughter and that poor little kitten ASAP!

I have been having the same issue with my son. My husband and I have time where we supervise play time. We just encourage gentle touching. When she is playing nicely with the cat praise her tremendously. Take the cat away when she is rough. If you have a room you can put the cat in time out away from her. We have been working on with my son and he is getting better. I just don't think they have it in there brain yet the damage that there actions can cause. I wouldn't be too concerned. My son dumped an entire bottle of baby shampoo on the cat and even put him in the microwave (not on of course). They just need to learn that there actions have consequences. Playing nice will equal more kitty time and bad choices will result in the kitty getting taken away. Its been working for us.

We have 2 adult cats and a three year old daughter. She has never been outwardly mean to them, but she wants to hug them, touch thier feet - you know things cats do not like. She will hover over them.

We use the 1 strike rule and it works. I will tell you once to leave the kitty alone - if I have to tell you again - fast discpline. Time-outs, taking away priveleges or toys, no treats - whatever.

I repeat over and over when she and the cats are around each other 'We treat animals with kindness and are gentle."

She still often says - but 'I just want to hug him.' I tell her - cats arent people, they dont like hugs - look at his face - is that a happy face? The one warning usually gets the cat off with just one hug instead of 10. :)

Good luck.

I have a 4 year old who acts the same way with the family. I am no expert, but it does seem to have to do with power. The animal is smaller and she is able to tell pick it up. I can't tell you how to stop the behavior, but can tell you that it has gotten much better over the last few months. She has just turned 4. I wouldn't give away the kitten unless it is in danger. She needs to learn. Once your daughter develops empathy and understands that others have feelings, it will be easier. The main point for me emailing you is to tell you that it is normal. My daughter lashes mostly when she gets in trouble which makes me wonder if my method of dicipline is effective.Hang in there.

Hi S.,

Oh poor kitty. I would threaten to get rid of the kitty unless she starts being nice, maybe that will do something. But then that will probably only help in the moment. I would also make sure everything is put up ie; make-up, vicks rub, so she doesn't even have access to those kinds of things. I would also while you are busy with day to day stuff maybe have the kitty in a seperate room until you can watch her closer with it. If that still does nothing I would then give the kitty to another home for his or her satefy, also the safety of your daughter because as that kitty gets older it will defend itself. Good luck.

There's a wonderful column on how to deal with typical behavior for your daughter's age group at http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_defiance-why-it-happ....

Read all the way down to the parent responses - one is about how a mom got her little girl to treat the cat gently. Excellent suggestions.

I am sorry to hear this. I want to let you know that cruelty to Animals can be a cry for help, although I am not sure if what she is doing is real cruel. It almost seems like she wants to be a mommy to her cat. If she become aggressive with the cat then I think it is very important you talk to your daughter or even in your mind question any other people your daughter spends time with. I understand this is a scary thought, but I work in a field with children who have been through this sort of thing and cruelty to animals is very common in a situation where a child is crying out for help. I hope you take this advice and look further into it. Good Luck.

It doesn't seem like she wants to hurt the kitten. It seems more like she's mothering, in her own way. You rub vicks on her to help her breath when she's sick, so she's playing mommy with your kitten. And make up is playful dress up. She might be seeing the kitty as more of a doll than a free thinking pet. At any rate your daughter sounds adorable :)

Never leave a young child alone with ANY animal as the child cannot be trusted and neither can the animal. I also have a three year old daughter who is a challenge behaviorally and we really sit on her. I have an 8 year old daughter who has always been a sweetie with animals and very gentle and now we have a three year old "gorilla person". I had to give up my dog sitting business because nothing is worth an injured animal or a bitten child. I would make sure that the kitten is either locked in another room than your daughter or if you cannot watch your daughter, she is locked in a safe place, like her room. If you have to, you can install a hook on the outside of the door so that only you can unlock it from the outside. I wouldn't leave it latched at night or when you are more than a room away just in case of fire or other emergency where you would have to evacuate but for short times when you just have to get something done and can't watch the child.

I would also send the very strong message that while the child can express anger, taking it out on another living thing is NOT OK and will never be OK. She is going to need some very consistent discipline or you will have a nightmare on your hands.

H.

Not much advice, but you're not alone! My three year old has also been saying she doesn't like our cat all of a sudden too! I think at this age they're figuring out feelings and maybe they know they better not take it out on us or siblings,etc.

My daughter just chases him or tries to hit him, so I've been letting him out more and have created places for him to hide. I simply tell her that it's not nice to hit anyone or anything and have asked if she wants to give him away, she says no so I remind her to be nice and that if she's mad she can tell me.

Bad thing with the vicks though! My dd put it in her own hair once! The container does kinda look like my husband's hair product. It took a week of washing her hair with dawn to get it out, even harder to try that with your cat I imagine!

I don't think your daughter is trying to hurt the cat...from the examples you choose. I think she's trying to play with the cat like a doll or stuffed animal. She really should have no access to Vicks or Make up or anything that could harm the cat or her. Door locks, for cupboards and even the bathroom door will keep her out until she's old enough to understand whats to play with and not. As for playing with the kitten inappropriately...you will have to watch her and the kitten continually until she can behave properly. It is a learned activity. Most small children don't know how to pet and love an animal appropriately. If your little girl continues to hurt the cat, your only choice will be to find it a new home and try the pet thing again when your daughter is older. She will learn, but don't make it at the expense of a vulnerable baby kitten.

Sounds to me like she needs to be told excatlly what you will do to here if she is hurtful toward the cat.....maybe take away something that she really loves and only return it when she is nice to kitty.....if she does it again she loses it again and then you only return it to her when she has had a full day of being nice to kitty....the third time she loses the toy altogether...the 3strikes your out rule can be use on 3 yr olds....they dont get it at first but at my house when I count to 3 they get it real fast....when you get to three at our house it to late no mather how much they freak out and no matter how many I wont do it again, they still get the consequnce every single time.

I'm horrified for the cat. How is it that your 3 year old daughter is able to get into Vicks Vaporub and makeup without you noticing? Who is watching her when you aren't? Maybe she is looking to get more direct attention from you, and torturing the cat gets your attention. Sorry to be so blunt but 3 year olds need constant hawk-eyed attention otherwise they can hurt themselves.

please keep your eye on your daughter all of the time and keep the kitten protected or perhaps you could find a good home for the kitten. There are usually alot of people at church, maybe the pastor could announce a kitten needing a good home, just a thought. A home where there are no children would be great.