One of my sisters (we'll call her Sue) has a girl that is 4 1/2 years old (we'll call her Mary). I feel that my neice has some autistic tendencies. I have even talked to my pediatrician about the behaviors that she has and he suggested that she be tested as soon as possible. I tried to hint that Mary may be behaving this way because of some unknown reason, why don't you talk to her doctor. Sue say's she talked to him but nothing else ever happened. Mary's behavior has gotten worse since her little brother came around. She is very repetitive: she will say, "Hi, I'm Mary Johnson," and then 10 minutes she says the same thing like she just walked in the door. If she does something wrong she cannot tell you what she did. My 2 year old can tell me what she has done wrong. She doesn't seem to comprehend the simplest tasks, but excells in her letter/number learning. (It's like she has no common sence at all). She likes to play by herself in her room instead of playing with other kids. I even called Mary's doctor, set an appointment and talked to him about it. He agreed that she does seem 'special' in some way but that she was probably just that way ans would grow out of it. When I asked him to send her to have her tested he said he would think about it. It is getting out of control to the point that nobody in the family wants to be around Sue or Mary because of the way Mary behaves and they way Sue handles it. (I'm talking nobody wants her to come over or even stop by). I need some advice on how to talk to her about it without causing our relationship to fall apart. When Mary was a baby I had to give Sue a had talk about breastmilk and formula use and storage because she was leaving it out too long or reheating it numerous times. It did not go well and we didn't talk for a while.
i have received a few responses so far, thank you. I just wanted to mention that when I talked to her doctor it was me talking and him listening. I told him that I had a concern about the mental wellbeing of my neice and he agreed to talk with me. Aside from saying that yes, she seemed special he did not disclose any personal information. I am very close to my sister and love her very much. I do not avoid her company as may others do. I do admit that I invite her and the kids over when my hubby will be out late because it frusterates him to no end by Mary's behavior. Thank you again.
I talked to my sister Saturday night. We were at a bonfire with a lot of family and a lot of kids and kid friendly activities. There must have been at least 10 kids ranging in age from 4-7, it was insane...but fun. Mary was just siting and staring at the fire and not wanting to play at all, even when my son asked her to be the main character in the game they were going to play (usually that gets any kid excited), she didn't budge. I asked Sue how Mary's first pre-k parent/teacher conference went and she wouldn't answer me? Usually Sue talks my ear off and tells me everything that their entire family does....even the cats. I left it alone and then asked her if she wanted to go for a walk around the lake. I asked her again and this time she told me that Mary's teacher said she was concerned for her. While she was doing very good with her lessons, she would not socialize much with the other kids in the class at all. She advised Sue to take Mary to a place in St. Louis that specializes in asbergers syndrome. I had done some research on-line and this is what I thought Mary may have, just slightly. Sue was very upset that Mary may need special attention. I told her that a lot of it is probably going to be they way we interact and play with Mary (I read that on-line). I have actually been doing some of the tactics I read about for the last month and they seem to be helping. I told her I would be happy to go with her to the screening since I will not be too protective over Mary as she will be. I know the way we interact with the kids and the diet they eat can make a huge difference in behavior. My 5 year old would have be on ADHD medication now if we had not stepped back and re-evaluated our interaction with him. We do positive reinforcement and really monitor what he eats. He didn't like it at first but now he understands that some types of food make him more hyper than others, like white flour products. They usually have a more negative effect on him than candy. He will even come home from school and tell me what they had for lunch and that he didn't eat the roll that came with his spaghetti because he knows it will make him antsy in class.
Thank you for all the "truthful" responses!!!
There is a book called:
"Quirky Kids" by Perry Klass and Eillen Costello
It talks about the difference between quirky and a problem. Maybe you might want to buy it for her???
I understand that you care about your sister, and your niece, but why do you feel the need to make her see what she may or may not be ready for? You have voiced your concerns to her, and really that's all you can do. You need to love your sister enough to let her come to terms with whatever the situation is on her own. Forcing her will only cause tension, and there is nothing that is going to change the situation, if your niece is in fact autistic, which isn't certain. I delt with autistic children before, and even when parents know they still can't deal with it well. Perhaps instead of forcing this issue you could be more constructive and help her deal with the behavior problems. I know I had an autistic kid, when I worked in daycare that responded to singing much more than talking. You could help her find the things that work for your niece instead of forcing her to admit that she may be autistic. Either way I hope it works out for you and your sister.
I have some really overbearing relatives and it's not fun to be around them. It really is her life to deal with, you cannot and should not dictate how she deals with her problems.
Hi S.,
I just want to say first what gives you the "signs" that she may be autistic ?
And then on the next point how do know this just isn't a lack of discipline on your sister's part or even dads part. And you said that she has a new sibling....so first kids will try to get attention whether it be positive or negitive in any situation.
From my stand point you need to take an approach of helping and not of there is anything really wrong. There may be more going on here then what you are seeing. If the child is acting out and then the mother is not doing anything to stop the behavior this doesn't mean that they have autisim or anything else wrong. There may be other factors going on and some that you may not see because they are behind closed doors. I think that you should go to your sister and let her know that you are there for her if she needs it, let her vent on you for a little bit.
If you are seeing this in her daughter how do you not know that mom isn't suffering from PPD. Everything effects everything. I would first make sure everything is ok with mom, Is she stressed with a new baby in the house ?, Is she having a problem adjusting to having 2 kids and not just one ?, Does the daughter go to daycare id there anything there ?, How is home life for all involved ?, Is dad helping at home when he can ? All of these things can affect the children and the parents.
If mom and dad are having problems it can affect the kids, talk to your sister make sure everything is ok. And I would stop contacting her doctor(s), you are now over stepping your bounds. If she does need sombody to talk to and she will turn to you, if she finds this out you may even make it worse.
And I think for the most part every mother is the best judgement of their own child, and maybe if there is something wrong somewhere your sister is afraid to approach these subjects for fear of what her family will think. Just as you have already said. How about lending a hand and not just shunning them away.
This is my advice with the imnformation you have given me, W.
S.,
Boy, do I know where you are right now! I also have a sibling that is not always a competent mother. When we have difficult conversations about her parenting, it is never well- received. They've been through some very hard things, and I always feel the need to intervene, but be careful! My advice to you is to back off in order to preserve your relationship. It is so hard to stand back and let natural consequences take place, I know....but it won't be long before her daughter will begin school. At that time, there will be other individuals telling her the same things that she is already hearing from you. Maybe it will register then!
I am a teacher, and I know the process that takes place when a child like this comes to school without a diagnosis. It won't take long for the professionals to see a marked difference in her if what you say is true. Hang in there, and try to pray that the message comes from someone other than you!
it is sad that you and your other family members don't want to be around them. i would think that if you were as worried about mary as you seem to be, then you wouldn't want to alienate your sister or your niece. i also agree that a mother is the best judge of her child and that she is aware of the "issues" because, as you said, she did speak to her doctor, already. if you talk to her about it, I would be careful do it in a caring and loving and not a condescending way. just think about how you would handle being approached by someone else about the behaivor of one of your children and how you would want that person to speak with you about it.
What you have said about this little girl could be said about many children that are well within the spectrum of normal. I honestly believe in most cases the mother will be the best judge of what is going on.
It burdens me a great deal to hear that the family doesn't want to be around the child. If that's the case and you happen to be right, then I wonder if your sister will receive any support from her family. If your sister is at all worried and living in denial, is it because she fears the condemnation that will come from the rest of the family?
I've cared for autistic children at the higher ends of the spectrum and most of the time it was fine. The kids were difficult at times, but not too much to overcome. In one case though, it was too much for me. Her mother was in many ways over the top in the other direction. She would push and push every single idea, theory, diet and possible belief until I just could barely stand it. Then after wanting me to change pretty much everything I did, how I did it and when I did it, she would insist that her child be treated normal in every way. It was all very emotionally chaotic to me. The mom seemed to swing from one end of the pendulum to the other. I truly feel for these moms. They need the support of people that really know what they are doing.
I guess all I'm saying is that you should give your sister time to decide for herself that she needs or wants to pursue further investigation and then be ready to support her. If you can't support her, then don't get involved because it would be more damaging then to just back off and do nothing.
I can tell you that if anyone in my family was meeting with my child's doctor behind my back, I'd be livid! How in the world could he talk to you about your sisters child? Isn't that some sort of breech of doctor patient confidentiality?
Suzi
S.,
I just want to say that, whether right or wrong, it is wonderful that you care so much. While it may be true that Mary's behavior is within the range of normal, or is due to change in Sue's household, etc, it is also possible that you're right.
Sometimes parents just do not want to see something being wrong with their child, and will rationalize and avoid till the cows come home. In my own family, my mother had to urge and urge and urge my brother and sister-in-law to take my nephew to the doctor for testing. He was behind in so many little ways. My brother and his wife held to the idea that every child develops at his own pace - TRUE of course! They wanted to believe that was the case with my nephew. And he was their first child, so had no other experience by which to judge it.
Since you've already told Sue what you suspect, I think the writer who advised you just to "be there" for Sue and be supportive is right on. It sounds like you've done everything you can to bring this situation to Sue's attention. And Mary is old enough that, if you're right, pretty soon the school personnel will be telling Sue the same things you have, and she will have to face facts. I know what you are thinking - the sooner Sue knows, the better off Mary will be. And of course, that's true too. But in the scheme of things, a half a year's difference probably isn't as important as protecting your own sibling relationship. Because if you ARE right, Sue is really, really going to need that relationship and the support and wisdom and ability to research that you have to offer her.
Good luck. I know your heart is breaking, but I predict it will all work itself out very soon. Not that I'm the Great Carnack or anything!
Please tell your sister your suspicions as soon as possible. I have an 8 year old autistic boy who used to be a real nightmare. He was diagnosed after he turned 5 when my husband and I tried to register him for kindergarden and realized that the other children seemed to be miles ahead of him socially.
Until then, I had no idea that there was anything wrong with my son. No one ever told me. But the funny thing was, after he was diagnosed, friends and relatives seemed to come out of the woodwork to tell me that they had suspected all along that he was autistic! If they had suggested that back when he was 1 1/2 and 2 years old, he would probably be at least 3 years ahead socially than he is now, and my self-esteem would not be as damaged as it is.
I used to think his behavior was a result of my bad parenting or something.
Please tell her, even if you think she will be offended. Someone will confront her about it soon enough, I'm sure.
Wow, wasn't mamasource supposed to be a group of moms supporting and helping eachother instead of attacking someone's way of handling things?! I'm very surprised at some of the comments you received.
I would say, don't go to your sister. She may know something is wrong and be in denial and when your neice hits kindergarten, the teacher will have conferences and be honest about how she's doing and then maybe she will get her tested. In the school I worked at, we had two on staff special ed teachers. When a child registered with the school, there was a paper that they had the option of signing for a free screening with the special ed teachers, just to be sure everything was ok. If her future school does not have this, then I'm sure the teacher will see and comment on it.
What I would do though for you is do research. If the little girl is having a hard time being around family because of her behavior, maybe you can look into what kinds of toys would be best for an autistic/aspbergers child or what kind of techniques YOU can use when she's at your house. Just different ways you can talk with her or play with her. That might help you understand why she does what she does and what will avoid problems.
I hope this helps and don't let the others get you down. You came here becuase you have a concern and you need advice, you don't need to be "stoned" for what you did.
This might sound weird, but if she is in preschool or something like that then some how mention it to the teacher to say that they have noticed things, or your parents. I used to teach preschool and we had a student that we had concerns about and if I remember correctly we had to talk to the grandma because the mom didn't want to "hear it". It's a mom thing, you don't want to believe that your child is anything but perfect and the truth hurts. Good Luck
I personally believe that a lot of parents live in denial. I currently watch a little boy (16 months) who is WAY behind...about 5-6 months. He's currently enrolled in therapy but his mom is wanting to stop it. He is nowhere near being able to stop. He can't even drink from a sippy cup. He barely walks. He doesn't talk, etc. The list goes on and on. It's very frustrating when parents have on some kind of magical glasses that blind them to their child.
I would approach it in a super loving way. Just say that you want the best for Mary and it might just be best to have it check out- that way all the bases have been covered and you know it's just a phase. Tell her you're there to support her 100% and you're always a shoulder to cry on. I think when you bring something negative to the table, you always need 10 positive things to counteract what you're getting ready to tell them.
Good luck!
As the mother of an MR child who has been diagnosed with multiple disorders I know exactly what you are talking about. I did go through a stage of denial but my son's behavior was so severe that I could no longer believe that he was fine...or would "grow out of it". He was about two when he started soonerstart but he was almost four before we really started getting help.
I would be more upset as a sister if you contacted my ped and had a dissusion with him behind my back than if you approached me directly...I hope you talked with her first.
I told my son's special ed teacher about some concerns I had about my niece and I have been mentioning things to my sister for two years about her daughter...at four her vocabulary is so limited and her skills in general but my sister doesn't have time to go to the doctor and follow through with the appointments you need to go through to get real services. I keep telling her that she is in the golden years of autism...where intervention is most successful but sometimes a parent choses the easier road. It is very difficult to be a single parent and sole support and get services, take off for appointments ect. The disability is not as severe as my son so she is not forced to get help...I can't wait for my niece to enter school so she can recieve services...
In Oklahoma we have Child Find an on-going search for children from birth to 21 years of age who have disabilities and are not receiving a free, appropriate public education.
My sister got this done but then she moved to a new county so she has to start all over, not easy if you work 70hrs a week!
