Seeking Advice on Moving on After Adoption

Vina,

I have been on both sides of this situation. I am an adopted child that grew up in a wonderful family with 5 wonderful brothers. I can not thank my "birth" parents enough for giving me the opportunity to have such a supportive family since they were not able to do so.

On the other side of that I also had a situation where I became pregnant at a young age and made the decision to put the child up for adoption. I had had such a wonderful experience with adoption that it made sense to me.

I went through some very difficult times afterwards, regret, and doubt in my decision. It took me a years to come to accept that I was NOT a bad person. The by taking responsibitly and not the easy way out was a good thing. I actually began to get a grip on myself. I wish that I had sought the care of a doctor for assistance to help me speed that process up so that I didn't waste so much time of my life that I could have been being a more productive person, not only to my family but to my education and work. You need to seek counseling, and take the medication and you need to accept that you are a good person. Giving birth does not mean that you always ready to raise a child, but you have found someone that was ready and you have given them the gift of life, and they have helped you with the gift of your life at this time, don't make that go to waste.

It has been 18 years and my daughter has found me and we are trying to put together a great relationship. Not every situation means that you will never see them again. Just that right now someone else is going to help you raise them.

Take care, I will keep you in my prayers, and use that level headed guidance that helped you make this decision in the first place. You knew this was the right path, let yourself walk down that path.

Vina
Congratulations on having giving birth and then giving life. I am adopted. I am over 40 now and I must say I find woman who provide children to childless couples are G-d greatest heroes. You have done something most people chose any easier out to. I am not trying to make this a pro-life or pro-choice speech here I am simply saying you are special. I can tell you for sure 110% that adoptive families cherish their children, and they from my experience tell their children how special their bio moms are. I can remember from the time I was born being told I was chosen, I was chosen by my bio mom to live my life happily with my family and they chose me to love and to raise and G-d chose me to be blessed this way...it is all remarkable indeed. I have a healthy self esteem, a loving relationship with my parents and often wonder about my bio mom. I thank her in my prayers nightly and on my birthday I especially pray she is well and does not see that day as one that brings pain to her. Celebrate what you have done, you have given life TWICE, first you chose to endure a pregnancy, not an easy task, you delivered a healthy baby to a family who could not have one without you! You are amazing. Then move on with living the life you deserve as now you have the opportunities ahead of you just as your child does. Is this not what you chose adoption for? You could not give him what you wanted him to have, keeping him was not going to allow you to follow your path, so follow it, make a life for yourself, share your strength with other woman and show the family who has your child now as their child that you are moving forward, reaching your goals, the hardest part is over and now living life is your new task. There is an agency called parent and child services and they offer support group for woman who have surrendered their children for adoption, they have a monthly meeting. Call them and ask if you can come and meet the other woman, or maybe they have support groups elsewhere, you are NOT alone, you are one of millions of loving mothers who made excellent decisions and blessed others in such a way no one man can. G-d bless you and stay strong.
E.
nursery times day care

Vina

You gave your son the best possible gift you could ever give ...you gave him LIFE! Thank you, that took courage and strength. Then, you gave him the second best gift you ever could have....a home with a family who was prepared to raise him. Considering the loving decisions you have already made in the best interest of your son, there is no doubt in my mind that you love him very much. Rest assured, there will be no doubt in his mind either as he grows up. You did what good moms do....put their own feelings aside for the good of their child.

The next stage of your life will require courage and strength too. I think you should seek out some counseling to express your feelings of grief (which are normal feelings) so that you can get to the point of healing and acceptance. My first suggestion would be a Pastor. Secondly, a therapist who is skilled in this area. The medications will help, but you need to talk out your feelings with someone experienced in grief counseling. I know of Grace Counseling Center on Moross in Detroit ###-###-#### or Perspectives of Troy Tel: ###-###-#### with a Sterling Heights location at ###-###-####.
Please call someone for support.

God bless you.
B.
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Hello Vina J C,

I just want to start out by saying that I have a lot of respect for you. I am an adoptive mother and I can not even begin to imagine the emotions that you must be feeling. I will not even try. I do know of a great online support group. You can go to www.bethany.org and click on resources and then web forums. I would go to the general forum and birthparent forums. I hope you will find the support you need. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

ANGIE

I think you are one of the bravest woman to do what you have done. You have taken one of Gods most precious gifts and passed him on to a family who can properly take care of him. You should not punish yourself, you should be proud of what you have done. You knew that taking care of a child wasn't something you could handle at this time. Do you know how many people would've just terminated this problem?? You did the right thing and I'm sure God wouldn't want you holding on to the pain. I think you really need to take the medicine that the dr. has prescribed, that is how the healing will begin. I pray that you will seek more professional help and be honest with them as to what is going on. I also pray that the right people will come into your life for you to get better. You need to understand how proud people are of you for not getting rid of your pregnancy - you have blessed someone with a beautiful gift. I wonder if there is someone at the adoption agency that could lead you to a support group. Call the city you live in and see if they have anything available. Call the local church and talk with your priest. You are calling out for help and I pray that you are blessed with healing words. God bless you.

Oh Vina,

My heart hurts for you. You are in no way a bad person for ANY of your feelings. You are not a horrible mom for giving up your baby. You did the most selfless act a mother could ever do. I know right now it doesn't matter to you, you're grieving. You have every right to be sad and to feel helpless in your situation. But honey, stay on your medications. Being on meds doens't mean that you will feel any less pain. It just means that they will help you not to get lost in a sea of depression. In no way of letting go of the pain will you be letting go of your baby. It just means that you will make peace with the situation. Your baby will always belong to you in your heart, and one day your heart will know that you made the right decision.

It is mothers like YOU that bring joy to so many hopeless couples, and one day you will find peace with that. Please get in for some grief counseling, you shouldn't be doing this alone.

"Our Lives Follow The Course of the Sun. Even at the Darkest Moment There is the Promise of Daylight"

Believe me when I say this, Vina.... YOU are a WONDERFULL Mama! God Bless You!

remember sweet lady - we make the best choice possible with the information we have at the time. there was something in you that felt you must give this child "More" than you could offer.
You gave this child LIFE which is a great gift. there were other choices you could have been made but you choose to give this child LIFE and this is a beautiful thing!
I admire your courage - i admire your strength to do what you felt was "right" even though it was/is most painful. It is reasonable to grieve - allow yourself to grieve for a time! But also allow yourself permission to believe with all your heart that this child is right where He needs to be - and you made it happen! It isn't lack of love that moves us to do these things --- it is love in abundance that compelss us to make such choices. You offered "love in abundance" to your child my friend - true love, unselfish and pure. Permit yourself to feel proud of your decision - and please know that i am very proud of you!! May God richly bless you, K.

Hi Vina,
No, I'm sorry I don't know how you feel. But as an outsider, I have to say that what you did is probably the most courageous thing a woman could do. You are the best mother of all!! You made the ultimate sacrifice and did what was best for your child. I wish there were words I could say to make you feel better...just know that there are mothers our here admiring your
courage and strength.
Take care.

About me:
I'm a 44 year old stay at home mom of 3 (ages 9,7,3)

Yes, you did the right thing. Yes those feelings will pass, just fill your free time doing something you enjoy doing...

Hi Vina,

I wanted to let you know that I am in awe of your strength. You made a very difficult choice and need to know that you and your son will be OK. My best friend has adopted two children. The greatest gift her daughter has is an open adoption. Her parents were married at the time, but the baby was born with a cleft palate that they did not have the funds to repair. (Long story) Anyway, Like you....they loved her so much, they gave her to someone who could care for her at a time that they were not able to.

What her birth parents did for her was made her an album and family tree. Each year they send her adoptive parents new pages/pictures. When she is 18, she will have the resources to get in contact with her other family if she chooses. If she doesn't choose to, she at least knows family history, which is what so many of my adopted friends wish they had. Maybe in your free time, you could create a book for your son filled with all of the love you are feeling. Then choose whether or not you want to send it. Fill it with pictures and letters of how you are feeling, etc.

First and foremost though....you need to take care of you and that means to take your medication and possibly seek counseling. You are not a bad person and you do not "deserve" these feelings as punishment. As time passes, you will heal and things will be OK. You just need time and medication to help you get there.

C.

Hi Vina. I have never been in this situation but I feel for you. The first thing I thought of when I read your request was (motherly instinct!) It seems to me that this is your motherly instinct kicking in when you decided to put him up for adoption and motherly instinct now that your grieving. You need to remind yourself you did the right thing! If your life is not ready or right for a child in it at the moment then you definitely did the right thing, and maybe someday you can have and raise a healthy family! I hope this helps you and I will keep you in my prayers!
B.

Dear Vina,
I have not had to make the very difficult choice that you have in giving a baby up for adoption. As a social worker though, I hear that you are in pain. Can you find someone to talk to? What about the agency that handled your adoption? They should be able to find a counselor or other mom that you could talk to that went through the same thing. You put yourself out there by putting a posting on this website, I hope that you will be open to counseling.
Also, taking medication does not take the pain away. But it may help you get out of bed and start doing some everyday things, so that the world starts to feel a little more normal. No one, no pill, will ever subtract from the great sacrifice and loving decision that you made for your baby. Your baby will always be with you in your heart and with an open adoption, your baby will always know about you. I hope that you can find some peace.

Vina:

You've gotten so many wonderful responses already that there is little I can add that is any different.

I just wanted to encourage you to please, please, please take the medications that you've been prescribed and find a counselor you can talk with -- either through the adoption agency, your hospital, your doctor, a church or whatever other means you have.

Giving birth and the feelings afterwards can be overwhelming to any mom and it sounds like you have some post-partum depression -- which many of us have experienced. However, the adoption piece of things adds another dimension to your story.

You made an incredibly difficult decision to do what you believed to be best for your child and have also given another family the opportunity to raise a very special child. Nobody can ever replace you in your role and I'm glad to hear that you have an open adoption, so you can watch your child grow.

We can offer you all kinds of support and words of encouragement but, ultimately, you are the only person who will be able to offer yourself forgiveness. I pray you find the ability to do that eventually.

Please accept the help that you've been offered, find a licensed therapist to talk with, and give yourself time to grieve as you need to.

Blessings,

J.

Hi Vina~ I have not read through all of the responses; I have not personally dealt with what you have- but I do know that you have made the best decision for you, and for the baby. God nudged you to choose adoption rather than abortion which is AWESOME, because He has a plan for this little guy. In the future,this boy will understand why you made the decision you did and will hold a lot of respect for you. My mom was adopted. She never knew who her birth parents were until literally a few weeks ago, because the timing in her life finally felt right to pursue finding things out. The more she finds out, the happier she is because she has found out her birth mother's reasons for adoption (her health, etc., she was single, and she was a christian- which is of utmost importance to my mom. My mom has comfort in the fact that she now knows that her mom gave her up for adoption rather than abortion so she could be raised in a good, christian, loving family.) Her birth mom was strong enough and smart enough (LIKE YOU!) to make the best decision for her child because she had LOVE for the child, and wanted what was best for the life of the child. Take care of yourself, and let yourself heal. Over time, I believe things will feel better and make more sense to you. Take advantage of having the med.'s the doctor can give you to help you cope and live your life...and I encourage you to pray. Ask God to help you feel peace. He loves and supports you! I will pray for you as well : - )

Vina,
I am a mom and also a social worker who helped birthparents place their babies for adoption some years ago. In my experience, what you are feeling is very normal. Did you receive any counseling before you released him? I would recommend that you talk with someone about your feelings. You are grieving and it would help to have someone work through those feelings with you. It's easy for me to say, but please don't feel as if you deserve the pain you are going through. I saw the women I worked with as some of the most amazing women I have ever known. It takes a strong mother and a remarkable person to sacrifice her own feelings to give her baby life that she cannot give. I wish you the best as you work through this. God Bless,
K.

Vina

I feel for you I really do and I all I can say is with time everything eases, but you may want to find a support group in your area, people who are expirencing what you are going through I think that will help the most. I have a 25 year old sister who has 2 kids, one is 8 and she lives with me, I took guardianship away from her 4 years ago because she was unable to care for her and into drugs, she has since had another child, a boy and she was forced into rehab when he was only 4 months old and has since cleaned herself up and almost 2 years sober now, but she decided last Sept to give her parental rights up of her son now 18 months old and let the foster parents adopt him, once the adoption is final it will be a open adoption but for the meantime since the paperwork is not final the state wont even let her see him and i know it hurts her alot to know that she is no longer "mommy" but I told her, there will be a day when he will thank you for having a good life and will have a relationship with you, right now its just that mother/child bond that is very hard to let go of, if you would like someone to talk to respond to me and I can give you her email address and it might be a good source of hope and inspiration for you!
god bless and take care.

You have just been through a life-changing event, made a tough decision that will affect the rest of your life (as well as others'), and are still afloat in pregnancy hormones, which continue to fluctuate for up to a year after giving birth. All of this is a volatile combination that is virtually certain to cause emotional upheaval. Moreover, it's possible that you are suffering from postpartum depression. This is fully treatable, but it is important for you to get support. Here is a website that offers resources for women suffering postpartum depression: http://www.postpartum.net. Please give it a look, so that you're not alone in this.
That aside, please remember that while you've made a heart-wrenching decision, it is what is best for the baby. It is not abandonment, but putting his needs above your own. Love doesn't always mean doing what feels good--sometimes it is doing what breaks our hearts for the sake of someone else. If you haven't already done so, perhaps you could compose a letter to your son to let him know that you made this sacrifice to give him a better life, so that he can read that when he is older. You've given him life, rather than having an abortion, and you selected a family to love and provide for him. Those are good choices, and have laid the foundation for him to have a happy life. Know that God loves you and this baby, and is trying hard to call you to him. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13 God doesn't give up on you, so don't give up on yourself.

I have not personally been in your situation but I do know that it was a very unselfish thing that you did to give your child up for adoption knowing that you couldn't care for him.
You wanted what was best for him and I think that he will appreciate that one day. Also think of the alternative-you could have had an abortion and you didn't. At least you gave him life and are giving another family the chance to be parents. Maybe consider talking to someone like a counselor and definately take the meds they can only help. My thoughts and prayers are with you that you find some kind of peace in your decision. Take care.

I haven't gone through this, but it is clear from your writing that you are grieving. It is an appropriate stage, and it would be inappropriate to pretend you weren't.

You do need to check your thinking, though -- feelings are a not obligatory. And they are not really a very good marker for genuine caring. Not letting go of the pain isn't helping your son, or his new parents, or your friends, or the world. It is just torturing you. While you may presently feel you deserve the torture, you do not. One piece of advice I have long loved is 'your children's mother deserves to be treated kindly -- even by your children's mother.'

Be gentle with yourself, try to sit peacefully with the sorrow and make sure your thinking isn't creating havoc where none need be. Give yourself time -- this is a big thing, not a little thing.

It will ease but there will be a feeling of lose for a long time. And, yes it is normal for a caring, giving person to feel this pain. But do work on letting it go. Know that you did what is best for your son. What a great gift. For him as well as his new parents. You can hold your head high. It's unfortunate that more young women are keeping their babies, even though they are not able to provide for them, both monitarily as well as emontionally. I believe these women will have to answer for alot when their children are older. You must stop beating yourself up. In the future, take precautions and when you are able to bring a baby home with you, that baby will be so loved and appreciated. Your decision was a totally unselfish one. How lucky your son is and how lucky the couple is to be priviledged enough to raise a child of yours. God bless and help you through this time.

Vina-
I have NOT been thru anything like this, and my heart goes out to you. I don't know your situation, but God does...he knows your heart and He can comfort you like no one else EVER can.
Please know that my tears and sincere prayers are with you to get thru this in whatever way that even means.
M.

As a grown woman who was adopted, all I can say is thank you for giving Ethan life and giving him to someone who could give him the things you can't. As a woman in counseling for depression, I highly recommend getting on medication to get you over the hump you're dealing with now and also get into counseling or into a support group to deal with the feelings. They don't go away, they just show up in other areas if you don't deal with them. IF you allow God to use this, you can reach out to other women down the line who are going through the same thing. God bless you on your journey.

I don't know if this will help or not, because I'm speaking as an adult who grew up in a family that adopted me. I always felt "chosen" and very wanted. I understood, as I got older, what a wonderful gift my bio mom gave me by giving me life and letting a married couple who couldn't have kids adopt me. I do think life is easier/better when two people raise you. How strong and brave you were to do this. So many people just have abortions.

I think your hormones also have the best of you. I hope you reconsider taking the medicine. Good luck.

My heart is heavy for you. I'm a mom that can't get pregnant, and it used to break my heart everytime I'd see someone have a baby and I could'nt, I would cry so much, and to see women that had them one after the other and not be a good mom.
I decided to go into foster care at least I could love kids that needed love, I was able to adopt 3 of her 7 2 boys and 1 girl, the last two I got to take home from the hospital when they were born, I know that I don't no how a birth mom feels inside of having a newborn, but I love these kids with all my heart and I thank God everyday that he has given me the opportunity to love and raise these wonderful children as my own. Your situation is different from foster care, you chose to do what you did. You did a good thing.
Your not a bad person for doing this, you did the right thing, you need to get the counsuling to help you, and ask God for help too, he is there for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

I have also had a child adopted. I keep it my mind that he has a much better chance in life because I did that. I was unable to care for him and his needs at the time. I know that he is doing well and happy where he is. I am kept informed of his life but stay out of it. It is a hard thing to do but as long as you know in your heart you did the right thing for the child the pain will ease. You need to think of how everything will be better for him. One important thing is to stop thinking of him as your son. I know that sounds harsh but that to me was the first step to letting go and relieving some of the ache.

Giving up a baby for adoption that you yourself know you are not ready to take care of and accept the responsibility of raising is one of the kindest and most loving gifts you could possibly give that baby. I know it must have been one of the hardest decisions you ever made, but I am sure as time goes on you will be able to see that it was the only choice you could make that would benefit you and the baby the most.

Don't beat yourself up. Just forgive yourself and go on. Ask God to forgive you for having sex without being married to that man and plan not to make that mistake again. There is nothing wrong with learning from your mistakes. I like to read the article in the local newspaper written by a former high school principal and he always says that having a sexual relationship with a male is the beginning of the end of that relationship, not the beginning like the people "think" it will be when they decide to be sexually active together. Not to mention the risks of all the horrible sexually transmitted diseases you can get nowadays.

I had a daughter who kept her three kids by three different men and she was not loving or responsible and we ended up raising the two older ones for 10 1/2 years. It was very hard on the kids because the one had a dad who was alive and wanted to be part of its life, and the younger one had a deceased dad and could not spend time with him because he had already died when she was a very young infant. They grew up thinking they wanted a relationship with their mom but then when she matured a little and got them back legally, they found out that Mom was not so great after all. She loves them but does not know how to show them she loves them.

One day perhaps the boy you gave up for adoption will meet you and thank you for being so kind to give him up for a better chance at a good life. He may need to know "why" you made the decision to give him up for adoption, but I would just be honest and tell him where your state of mind was at the age when you had him and whatever all the circumstances were that directed you toward adoption, and I think he will come to understand that it was not that you did not love him or did not want him, but that you wanted a better life for him than what you yourself were capable of providing at that time. I think we are all our own worst enemy. The most important thing is to not dwell on the negative and try to learn how to concentrate on all the positive things surrounding this situation. I find that dwelling on negative does nobody any good, and actually makes things seem a whole lot worse than they actually are. If we practice at finding positives, it gets easier and more natural after much practice. If you ask God to help you realize the positives I believe He will. But you also need to look for the positives. I used to be so much more negative than I am and it has taken a while to get more positive. Most people would rather spend time with a positive person than a negative one.

Also, perhaps some of the crying and depression comes from the fact that your body is still trying to get used to the idea of not being pregnant any more. Some bodies take longer than others to the idea of not being pregnant any more. Remember, you were pregnant for nine or ten months (I forget how long now; it's been 29 years since I was pregnant) and that causes your body to produce more of certain hormones and perhaps enzymes. Suddenly that baby is born and your body has to teach itself to stop producing so much of some hormones and more of others. Some people take more time than others, and also some women suffer post-partum depression. It usually goes away in time, but talk to your doctor. Ask him/her if there are any natural ways you can cope with the tears and depression rather than drugs. Maybe if you took a brisk walk in the fresh air (careful not to fall on ice/snow if you live where that is part of winter) it would make you feel so much better. Or do a few exercises in your home and get the blood pumping.

I got off anti-depressants because they make you so numb that you don't "feel" much of anything. I want to cry when something is really sad. I was numb when I was on the drugs and now I don't have to worry about high blood pressure and the other drug I was on made me crave sweets and I don't need to get fat as a barn, so that was not good for me either. I think perhaps some people can't cope without the drugs, but for those of us who can, do the more natural thing. Of course, God wants us to run to Him for everything. I am still learning to do that more, but the more I go to Him, the less I over spend, over eat, over anything.

If you did not feel any pain over this decision of allowing your son to be adopted out, you would not be human. We were created with emotions for a reason. Allow yourself to be human and give yourself permission to feel sad about the situation. I have found that when I say out loud how I feel and give myself permission to feel it, it goes away so much sooner. One therapist told me once that my emotions would always win, and if I did not learn how to deal with them in a more appropriate way, they would come out some other way that may not be so socially acceptable.

You need to see a therapist. You made the best choice for your situation and you need someone to help you make peace with that decision. You will never "get over" putting your child up for adoption, but you need to make peace with the choice you made.

when he is older he will appreciate what you went through to give him a better life, with your open adoption he will know you and be able to talk to you about why and he won't have all the unanswered question most adopted children have, you will be there to explain to him that you wanted to have a better life then you could give him and that is exactly what you are doing giving him a better life. you could have had an abortion and i think that pain would have been worse for you so i think you did right by him. the first job we have is mothers is to make sure our kids are taken care of and that is what you are doing. I think you will feel better if you try to stay involved with him

Hi Vina,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is a grievious experience. Which is what you are experiencing now- grief. I would just like to ask you one thing... If you punish yourself, are you really going to improve someone else's life? Please forgive yourself. Please seek out grief counseling. As painful as it is; it is a PROCESS everyone must go through. Remember, you are deeply loved! I know a church in Plymouth that has grief counseling for free. It's ok to feel these feelings. But please remember, punishing yourself will not make things better. From what I have read, you have done a selfless act. Please contact me and I can give you some details on counseling. God is with you!!

i don't have any advice for you, i wish i did. my heart goes out to you. what you did for this couple is the most wonderful thing a person can do for another. you provided them with the most cherished gift that they were unable to create themselves, you changed their lives for the better. i hope that someday you can find some solace in this fact. my best wishes.

You are not alone! First, having heightened emotions after giving birth is normal. Many women experience "post-partum blues" and many experience post-partum depression. I have friends and relatives who have benefited from anti-depressents and/or anti-anxiety medication. I know sometimes it feels like it's wrong to take them because you want to experience the pain so you can acknowledge that your feelings and experience is very real. But, in order for you to regain your health (physical, mental, and spiritual) you may need to take those meds for a while until you are on your feet.

It is healthy for you to acknowledge your feelings on the matter. This was not a light decision, nor should you try to "forget". This child is not likely to ever be forgotten by you. However, you can take this opportunity to be your child's prayer warrior. This is one thing you CAN provide your child for the rest of his life. I assume you made this decision after careful thought and prayer. If you believed this was the decision God wanted you to make for his life, take solace in knowing you have obeyed God and are serving your child in this profound way.

The fact that you have an open adoption will allow for contact later as well as updates if you and the adoptive parents so choose. I applaude you for cherishing your son's life enough to take care of your self and to give him the opporunity to live his own life. You and God produced a miracle of life. In a selfless act of love you are giving your child a chance that you and God believe is best.

I will pray for you in your situation. Pray for your son and his adoptive family. There is much power in a praying mother. You will forever be his spiritual mother and that is something to be proud of!

It is normal to feel this way after you relinquish your child. The pain of this will never go away, but it will change over time, and you'll learn to live with it. Perhaps at some point it won't be so consuming.

You are NOT being punished! That isn't how God works, he doesn't punish us for what we do.

You need to get into some counseling with a psychiatrist or a psychologist who works with trauma recovery. Even if you made this decision and feel you did the right thing, it is still trauma, and you need to deal with that aspect of it. Also if you can connect with some other firstmoms out there, that will help you a ton too.

You should not be concerned with the feelings of the adoptive family at this time. I understand you love them, and want the best for them, but you need to work on the best for you and your son. YOU need to be the priority right now. Are you still sure you made the right decision? If you aren't, you might still have time to change your mind too. I don't know what state you are in or what the laws are there, but if TPR isn't final yet you can still raise your son if you think you can do it! There are lots of government programs out there that will help you if you need it.

I haven't had this experience, but I imagine that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. My advice, for what it is worth, would be to see a therapist regularly, possibly in conjunction with the meds, depending on how you feel about the meds. Be patient with yourself, acknowledge your feelings - don't deny them, and remember that you are going through a special type of grief - even if it was the right choice for you and the baby.

We adopted a baby boy last October and we have the utmost respect and love for his birthmom. What you were able to do it the MOST unselfish thing a person can do. You are truly a very special and blessed woman to have given this couple, like you said the most precious gift. Not a day goes by that we don't think of our son's - 7 year old and 4 month old birthmom's. Please do not feel like you are being punished for having these feelings. You need to get some support and try taking the medicine. Did you go through an agency? They should be able to help you through this. Please, please, please take care of yourself and don't ever forget what a special woman you are. I can't say that enough.

Hugs,
T.

Dear Vina,

I haven't been through this before. But, I must tell you that I've always admired women who have chosen to give their babies the best life possible, and have given them up for adoption. You put your baby's needs ahead of your own, and you should be proud. I can't imagine how hard it must be to do this, but I applaud you and I hope you're able to find some peace of mind soon :)

Best wishes,
L.

Hello to a valiant person!
As an educator and having seen many single parent families that don't know how to parent, your sacrifice is astounding and heroic. I am also an adoptive parent of 2 grown boys. Your biological child won't belittle you or think badly of you and neither should you.You deserve nothing but praise, not punishment! You have chosen what is best for both of you at this time in your lives and it is your life and noone can accurately judge what is best for you since they have not been in your shoes.
You are hurting and it is normal. You would be hurting more if you had kept your child and could not care for him monetarily, emotionally, and with food and clothing and shelter and medical care. You want only the best for him.
Having been diagnosed with depression myself, it is most important that you follow through with the medication at least temporarily. You must not stop taking it abruptly as that could be a setback. You must be weaned off of it by a dr. as they diagnose your need. Don't look on depression as a weakness! Brooke Shields courageously took a stand to reveal her postpartum depression and write a book about it. What a blessing for her to take this stand on mental health and help to educate others. You won't realize how bad you feel now until you feel better with professional help and hopefully a support group. Identifying with others in the same boat as you does wonders since it makes you feel that you are not alone. All the best to you! You must be a wonderful and loving person and you deserve to move forward and get started on the adventure of your life. It's hard to think that way now, but just keep thinking that life's a beach and you are just standing on the shore awaiting your sails to furl toward a most wonderful journey as life unfolds. Shoot for the moon, you will land among the stars! Hugs and love to you. S.

I just wanted you to know that I am going through the exact same .I also gave up my son for adoption and I can't stop imagining him here with me, I think about him all the time and it interferes with my life. I also feel like I might forget him somehow. I feel so guilty and can't find comfort. Just know that your not alone and what we are feeling is probably normal..I just have to remind myself that he is happy and has opportunities he never would have. And I never abandoned him because I choose an open adoption. Maybe it goes away in time..

While I've never been in that experience, it does seem your emotions are completely normal. Continue to share with people, see your doctor (and take your meds), and grieve... Keep in mind that in addition to grieving, your body is also changing - your body chemistry is adjusting through a transition, as well, going from being pregnant to NOT being pregnant. Obviously you are carrying around a lot of remorse, regret and guilt....in time you may celebrate your decision and feel confident you made the right choice - but you may always feel that void, and certainly have a lot of love for your precious child. Don't punish yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. All my best wishes to you for fulfillment and a happy future - and that you can work through the pain of this time. Thanks for giving that precious boy and couple the opportunity to be a family - which you will always be a part of (if not actively, certainly in thoughts and with deep love & gratitude).

it is hard and i am sorry for your loss. try not to beat your self up to much. you have made a choice that is in his best intrest. that is the best any good mother could do.

Vina,
I don't know what you are going through. I have never been in your situation. But, I do think that emotions you are going through seem perfectly normal.
And I can't speak for everyone, but Thank you! Thank you for doing what many mothers can't. You didn't give up and have an abortion. And you didn't try and keep a baby that you KNOW that you can't provide for. You gave your child a wonderful life, you did the most selfless thing a mother can do. You are brave and thoughtful.
Let your emotions ride...it will get easier. But, know that you are doing the right thing. I have a brother and a sister who are both adopted. I love them dearly and am glad that we were able to give them a good home.
Hang in there. You do not deserve to be "punished".
K.

I'm sorry but i have never gone through something like this before. I just wanted to commend you for what you have done and i think its the most courageous thing a person can do. The reason........you feel you cannot give your child what it needs and by loving him the way you do and always will he will one day know the meaning behind what you've done for him. I had a good friend that is now 32 and was adopted at birth and he respects and still loves his birth mother for letting him have the life that he has lived. Don't forget your hormones are so out of wack now and you lose so many after you give birth that it takes almost a full year to have them all come back. My doctor told me that. So when you start to feel this way again(which is all normal) write down , so you can look at what your feeling on paper and then after you write what your feeling then write all the positive things you thought about once you decided that adoption for your baby was the best thing for him. Journaling is so important and you don't know that it is until you start. I suffered from post partum depression very badly and with the help of a therapist(that could be an option for you) and journaling it has brought me to feel better about the changes and about life as it is . So, before you get down on yourself(again, its normal) remember that i think you are one hell of a mother!!!! Good luck

i have a friend who went thru this just over a year ago. and she became an adoption counselor. she tells her story to high school girls and explains the options they have if they become pregnant. she will share her story with you and could probably give you some really helpful bits of advice to help you deal wth your emotions. you can contact her at http://www.myspace.com/emiliajo. good luck hunny. and remember that you DID give this family the child they prayed for so desperately. you did the right thing, you gave this child life and then blessed somebody else with his presense. if there was no way you could have given hi the life you know he deserves, the best thing you could have done was exactly what you did.

While I am not a birth mother, I am an adoptive mother and I have done a lot of reading and following up on what happens to a woman who places a child for adoption.

Grief is very, very normal. You are grieving the breaking of a very strong bond God created between mother and child and it is traumatic for you and your body as there is no child with you as you transition from being pregnant to your new life. It would be very wrong of me to suggest that you will "get over this". You may get past the intensity of the grief you feel now, but I suspect you will always feel something is missing, no matter how much you know your decision was made based on the circumstances of your life at the time.

Medications can help and I do not think there is anything wrong with taking them. Grief is NOT a punishment. It is natural and helps us cope with a loss in our lives and this is a very significant loss for you. I would definitely also advise you to seek specialized grief counseling outside of the agency you worked with (if you worked with one).

Please take care and feel free to message me privately if you would like to talk further.

Vina,

I am sooo sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling.. I have not had this experience however if you feel you did right by your son the last thing him and God would want you do is punish yourself. If you feel honestly that you have made a mistake then better to acknowledge it now then later.
Whatever you decide, look to God for your answers and let him fill your pain, your void and bind up your brokenness. I encourage you to ask him for answers and to replace any guilt and self punishment with his will for your life and your little boy's life...

I will be praying for you as your brokenness is real, and your pain i'm sure overwhelming.. God is your greatest comfort and real answers!

Shelley

Im going to skip my history, but rest assured that I understand what you are feeling. You do not deserve to be punished! But you DO deserve to take your medication and let yourself feel better. You don't need to feel this way and I'll bet that a lot of it is PPD! Your hormones aren't letting you see the positive side of what you gave that precious little baby! You should be rejoicing that you had the strength to give your baby the ONLY thing you could. Hold your head high and yell from the rooftops that you are a good person!!! There is no shame, no guilt, and no disrespect that ANYBODY would put on you. You have amazing strength and love...there is not a single thing you could have done to show that baby more love than you did by giving him a life worth living!

Be strong and don't punish yourself any longer...let yourself get better...

Kudos to you!
L.

First of all, you are not alone. I relinquished my daughter 13 years ago, and just reading your post brings all of those same feelings back to me. In all honesty, they have never gone away. A college degree, a dream job, a wonderful husband, another beautiful daughter and now being a SAHM have not replaced any of the guilt, gut-wrenching pain, and agony I have felt. But I do promise that you will have days when it is easier and you have more clarity and relief. We first moms relinquish for all kinds of reasons, and I do not know the complexity of your situation; but I am happy to talk more with you whenever you'd like. There is a bittersweet fellowship of sisterhood among those of us who have lost children to adoption, and I hope that you will be able to connect with others who can offer you more than anti-depressants, therapy, and a trite, canned answer about how selfless you are. I get it. And so do many others. You are not alone. Please feel free to message me anytime. I see that you are in MI... Did you by chance relinquish through BCS?