Seeking Advice on Raising Teenage Girls with Boyfriends

J. - I just finished helping my un-married daughter finish under graduate school and using savings put away, bought her first car. I recommend you start with spending some special mom/daughter time with you and them only, focusing on more quality and personal level experiences and positive conditioning rewards. This may be your only intervention opportunity before "boyfriend" takes over her mind. Find out what she likes most, ask her if she has a five year goal. Because she is becoming a young woman, place her in a non-threatening environments that most girls like, which empowers her as a young woman, such as horseback riding, hobbies, martial arts and especially sports. Slowly they may rollover extra energy into something more positive and personally challenging and enjoyable then puppy love...because after the litter arrives, there is not going to be time to go back and rewind to it over again.

Ya do not beleive everything the kids tell you about not having sex, not because they are lying but because the urge is too much for them to handle, it makes them do the craziest things that are totally out of their normal behavior. I wasn't taking chances. I made appointments for all 3 of my girls to get on birthcontrol then I inspect they are wearing it properly also stressing the importance of using condom if they decide to have sex. Of course I let them know how wonderful it is to save it til they fall in love (at age 25) and I make them watch the Maury Povich show on Who is the Father, for a little reality check. I would talk point blank to the boys about their intentions and my demands of not being ready to be a grandma yet!!
good luck, Mother of 3 teenage daughters ages 15,16, & 19

Ok, so I understand that you have already talked with your daughter about all the things she is doing, or will do or what could happend and I commend you for that. I know of a lot of mother's who are scared to confront their children for fear of confrontation and a fight. I have sat here and listened to a lot of other mother's comments, and I"m just so (frustrated, confused). I think you have done the right thing in talking with her and her boyfriend. I myself don't have a teenager, but I do ahve a teenage godchild and she is just starting the whole boyfriend thing. She is a virgin, and she does talk a lot with her mother (my best friend, who is 11 years older than I am), but there are so many things she won't ask her mom, so she knows she can alsways call me and we can talk about it. I have always believed in letting there be someone else (older than her preferably) to have around that your daughter can trust. There may be so many things that she doesn't want to open up to you because she is scared you'll get mad, upset, or get her introuble for. If she also had someone else to talk to then maybe she could start to open up more to her. What I've done with my Goddaughter is that when she comes to me with something I will discuss with her if she wants me to tell her mother or not. Now if she doesn't want me to tell her, and I still think it's very important and serious or severe and she needs to know, we will talk about it in confidence and her mother will approach her in some other way later down the road with it, not reveiling who told her. This has allowed her to open up to her mom much more now than she ever did before. Her best friends never helped and only would tell their other friends or mothers and that's just the beginning of a whole other drama for teenagers. Maybe she just needs another mentor around that she feels more relatable with. Just don't get upset or angry or mean with her about the whole thing, because that will just push her away from you and then later when things could get worse she won't be able to come to you with problems. I'm not saying be her friend, but dont' talk down to her either she needs to feel like she makes her own decisions now, she's at that age of independence. Good luck!!

Let me share my story my 16year old daughter is 6mths pregnant right now because I trusted her too much She carries a 4.00 GPA. no matter how much we had the sex pep talks and what can happened,she still did what she wanted to do. Do not be fooled by what she tells you. It is a choice that she will have to make and you can only educate her into making the best decision for herself. Just to correct the lady in the previous e-mail, a 16yr old and 18yr old boy it is legal for them to have sex as long as it is consented by the 16 yr old. It is only considered illegal when they are 4 yrs apart and above, that is when it gets messy. I did my best raising her... she made the choice to engage in those activities with him ....And I learned this from the therapist...What I suggest you do is, give her a wake up call with girls that are pregnant, have her do a report on it, what are the risks of having sex,what diseases can you getwhat is the survival rate on a teen ager raising a baby. You have to have a lot of patience.Have one on one pep talks,you need to be involved in her outings.Do not believe anything she says My 16 yr old had a curfew of 9:00pm and somehow she found a way. When there is a will, there is a way...This is all hard to do but find a way. Have Dad get involved. My wrong doing in all of this was allowing her to date this boy. She promised alot things but it did not matter afterwards. What is done is done ,and now she has to carry her own weight. A Baby raising a baby. If I can do it all again, I would not have allowed her to date. Why? Just think about it, if you stand in middle of traffic, most likely you are going to get hit and if you don't, you have no chances. This is what I learned. Please again do not believe anything she says..
Thanks

Elva

I have to totally disagree with the "they will just do it anyway" theory. I had very strict parents as far as guys went. Boys were never allowed in my room, I could not go out at all on school nights and if he wanted to come over, it was only one or two nights a week. In fact, one semester, I got some "not-so-great" and for the next 9 weeks, my 17yr old BF wasn't even allowed over during the week. (His grades improved also). All this to say, I wasn't the social outcast, I have plenty of boyfriends (they were all respectful of my parents wishes, not matter how much I rolled my eyes), I didn't end of sneaking around all the time and I didn't grow up to hate my mother. She did a great job of sheilding me from myself until I was truly "grown up" enough to handle different situations. Of course, I didn't feel that way at the time and your daughter won't either.
She thinks that she is an "adult" who can "make her own decisions". You are the parent that has to look out for her and realize that this feeling of "experienced adulthood" that she has is false. Just because she feels responsible and grown up, doesn't make her so.
On the note of rebellion: kids rebel. It is what they do. Allowing something (like dating an 18yr old) will not keep her from rebelling. If she can't have boys over, she'll meet him at the mall. If it is OK to have boys over, she sneak them into her room. If that's OK, she have them over when you are gone. ETC... It isn't a matter of whether or not she will rebel, she WILL. It is a matter of how far she'll go. The longer the leash, the further she'll go.
Hope everything works out well.
Remember: as much as you want to be her best friend, she needs a mom.

Hello J.,
I have a 14 year old daughter and she has had boyfriends as well. As long as you have told her about sex and what not to do then she would know her bounds with a guy. IF you feel she has been too serious too fast then I would suggest grounding her until she proves to you that she can do better in school and not waiste her time with a boy. She is 16 and her boyfriend is 18, here in California that would be molestation if they had any sex. You could ground her or you could talk with the guy and find out what his intentions are. Be open with her about sexual stuff and if they have been in your house with you there keep an eye on them so they don't do anything that is wrong. I have done that with my 14 year old and she is still a virgin. Just some ideas.

This is a very situation that could very easily go bad for you. It wasn't too very long ago (about 8-9 years ago) that I was just like your daughter. I had always been a great student and been responsible and then I started dating a boy that was older and not the greatest choice in guys. I kept my grades up and all but he was still a bad influence and he was very jealous. He didn't want me haning out with my friends and he didn't along at all with my parents. We did start having sex and I thank God that I did not get pregnant. Long story short, I basically ran away from home b/c of him. Thankfully, things are great now with my parents but me dating this guy nearly ruined our relationship. I'm not saying you should keep her from seeing him all together. That could push her away. Definately talk to her about your expectations and her intention (as well as his.) Just remember that you are the mother. You job is to raise your daughter the best you can and protect her. I guess I am saying, do what you feel in neccessary but be very careful.

C.

Hi J.,

I truly can relate to your situation, because I went through something similar with my daughter who in now 35. Well I would suggest that you try not to completely stop them from seeing each other. (Just please hear me out) I tried that with my daughter who ran away because we told her she couldn't see him. I would suggest after all of this suspension and punishment you might have given your daughter is done that you might consider supervised meetings. Let me tell you if they are determined to see each other they will move mountains to see each other.

P.S. My daughter is married to her boyfriend that was older than her. But when went through a lot during her teen years.

I hate to say it, but the more you try to control it, the more she will rebel and do it anyway. I know from experience. You know, I was 16 when my husband and I met. He was 18 and my parents didn't want us to see each other at first. Then they met him and included him in our family activities like dinners and holidays. Just remember 18 is only 2 years difference. Just make sure your daughter is protected and informed. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years and we are still going strong, so no matter how much you don't want to admit it, she may be with the man she is going to spend the rest of her life with. I know it's hard. I know how hard it was for my mom too. Now that I'm a mom, I totally understand. Good luck.

Hi J....sit down with her and tell her how you feel, even talk to him, alone. Tell him that you are very uncomfortable with how serious they are. I think the more open you are with this all with them the better this will turn out. Grounding her will make her rebel and sneak more. Just sit down and talk to them, ask them what their intentions are, ask him does he intend on having sex with your daughter, etc. Then just tell them how you feel. Invite him over to your house and try and get them to hang out with YOU more, that is what I have done. My daughter is 20 and a virgin, no one believes me that she is because she is the girl that dyed her hair blue, has a facial piercing and it looks as if she is not afraid to take chances, however, I instilled in her all her life as well as my other 4 kids that dating is to find a husband and 16 is too young. When I sat down with a boy that was frequenting our home I asked him to go to the store with me real quick and then I ask him, so do you intend on marrying her, he said WHAT I said well you are hanging around and it seems you are intersted in my daughter, he got REAL serious and said, well I do not want to get married until I am like 30 and I do not want kids, etc.....so it gave me an opportunity to tell him how I feel, he was out of here a week later (hee hee) she was freaked out by all i said to him but laughs at it now and thanks me for saving her from a broken heart. I thin kthe best rule with teens is you have to keep an open relationship with them. I let the kids have friends here both boy and girls and I am always involved and talk to all of them....
Good luck

hmmmm my suggestion would be to encourage her to pursue many intrests that are hers alone, that can lay the foundations for her long term future, as an individual, so that she dosen't lose herself in the relationship with him. otherwise, i have no idea and wish you the best.

Dear J.,

I don't know what you should do, really, but you do have two partners, Dad and your dear Love to help you. Maybe the other daughter can help too, I will say, that it would be wise to get birth control for her, unless you want to help raise a grandchild. You all need to get together and make a plan that everyone can live with. This is one of the hardest times in your life, so be wise, and respectful O.K.

You could bring up that the inappropriate behavior at school was not respectful to anyone - the school, the family, themselves, their friends, and so on, what about Grandmother who loves her grand daughter whole heartedly? Won't her heart be broken? Um huh. You need to be respectful so that daughter and boy friend will learn the concept. Sincerely, C. N.

I probably shouldn't give advice since my soon to be 17 year old hasn't started dating yet (her choice). But I myself tend to get too serious too quick - so here is some advice from me.

1. Being suspended from school is NOT okay - you need to let your daughter know that she cannot spend time with in person or on the phone with her BF for 2 weeks - that's double the time of the suspension.

2. Limit her time with the BF after that to certain days of the week - of course you cannot control them at school, but after school time limit them to pick 4 days a week - that's IT!
3. Invite her best friend over or dinner and a sleepover on one the nights off from the BF