Seeking Advice on Several Issues W/my 19 Month Old

She's running the show and has figured out what to do to get what she wants- just like you said! Parenting is not easy, nor is being consistent but you need to be consistent to be a good parent.

She's very young to be having long dialogues with her about anything, but it seems like she's looking for ways to control situations. When you say "no" to anything she is throwing a tantrum. Tantrums are not the end of the world. Children cry and get angry just like adults. She will not hate you forever if you just let her have her tantrum and get through it.

If she's kicking and screaming on the floor- put her someplace safe (like her crib) and walk away. I usually shut the door so that my son cannot see us in the house. Every 5-10 minutes I go in and say "When you're calm you can come out". When he was about that age he would eventually calm down and be ready to go. Now that he's older, he'll tell me when he's ready to come out and talk (30 months old now). He'll say to us "I ready- sorry mommy". His tantrums last 10-15 minutes at the most and when we see one coming, we remind him of "time out" and 90% of the time, it stops the tantrum immediately.

CIO can last all night- it worked before and it will work again. Brace yourself for some long nights and get to it!

for starters she is getting EXACTLY what she wants by screaming....YOU. something my husband and i did with our youngest...if you scream for something, you're not getting it period end in public or at home. I don't care if she screams for 30 min, 1 hour or all day DON'T GIVE IN. you are teaching her by doing this to scream and eventually, you'll get your way...you need to show her absolutely NO attention except for punishment when she does this...however, don't say anything to her, just 'follow through with the punishment" until she stops screaming.

i have no advise on the pooping in the bath thing, i never had that problem and as far as her screaming when she wakes up in the middle of the night, if daddy goes in there and she screams for you...dont' give it to her, if you go in there and she screams for milk, don't give it to her, give her warm water if you absolutely MUST give her something.

if she wakes up in the middle of the night simply cause she wants you, you or dad go check on her, make sure she IS ok, and if so, (assuming she's in a crib) comfort her for a minute or so, put her back in bed and WALK AWAY. i can't tell you how many nights i listened to my daughter scream her self to sleep-it's hard as hell at first, but guess what, she's almost 8 and i NEVER yes i can say never have bed time issues, even with company over, mom says bed time, it's bed time and she'll even ask me to quite company down so she CAN mind me and go to sleep! if she needs to

Wow, such difficult issues. Here are my thoughts, starting with the pooping in the bath:

At her age, she probably doesn't have much or any bowel control yet. Yes, she can feel the sensations as they occur, but that's nowhere near the same thing as being able to plan in advance, hold back the urge, and get to the potty. Plus, warm baths are relaxing, and are suggested by many pediatricians to assist young kids who have problems with constipation exactly because they do stimulate a bowel movement.

So, if you can tell when she's about to poop, you could quickly try either holding her on the potty (wrap her in a shirt or towel to keep her warm, or this could be a very unpleasant experience for her, and make potty training harder later on), or sit her on a diaper so you have less mess to clean up afterward. She probably really can't help that, so I'd be careful not to show annoyance when it happens. You could use this time to tell her "Oh, you made a poop! Could you feel that? How great, someday you'll be able to make that in the potty, and then we won't have this big cleanup anymore!"

On the milk at night and her daytime neediness: She sounds like she could still be missing breast-feeding, and craves connection with you in any way she can get it. It's a difficult thing for many babies to give up. Would it be possible for you to spend several minutes several times a day lavishing her with hugs, touch, adoring words, etc. BEFORE she's begging for it? Sometimes we absentmindedly get wrapped up in all our must-do's, and responding to baby gradually slides into a more reactive, after-the-fact habit.

If you push affection at her more often, she may end up feeling much more secure, may even reach a point of "enoughness" and express a desire for you to put her down so she can get on with her own adventures. But some babies are simply less independent and adventurous, and they can't help it. They didn't ask for their particular personalities or set of needs.

And babies don't really know how to play, they just know how to manipulate objects at this age. That can wear thin in a few minutes, especially if they can't yet imagine any new things to do with the object. They need to be shown. This stage will gradually fade, and you'll probably find yourself wishing for the little girl who needed you so badly, so try to enjoy it while you've got it.

Look at this video and those related to it to see how Dr. Harvey Karp, who wrote The Happiest Toddler on the Block, deals with needy or tantruming children. I've found this approach very helpful with my grandson and other young kids I have worked with: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... .

she's only 19 months old. Of course she's acting out in all sorts of different ways. Wait until she turns 3! 3 is the new 2, as I seem to be experiencing with my son.

2 pieces of advice: ignore tantrums. I don't yell or give in, I just completely ignore. If he starts hitting or throwing things, I place him on the bottom stair in time-out, get down to his level, and sternly tell him "Do not get off this stair until you are ready to behave." I don't do any timers or anything...he is to sit there until he calms down, period.

Also, the nighttime bottle isn't such a big deal in my personal opinion. If it's the only thing that soothes her and she does fall back to sleep, then what's the harm. My parents used to do that with us kids and we turned out just fine. She's obviously going thru some kind of phase, whether it be bad dreams or what have you, so if the bottle comforts her, don't beat yourself up over it. People will tell you it's an awful habit but who are they to judge. I used to be SO AGAINST co-sleeping, but that's only because my son (now 3) was such a champion sleeper as a baby. As he's gotten older, he's been more difficult at nighttime. So 90% of the time, I sleep with him just so that I can get some rest! Sometimes we just have to do what's necessary to get a few winks of sleep.

Anyway, hang in there. Like I said, she's still so young. Just try to enjoy her as much as possible and focus on the positives and you'll all be much happier. :)

Lynsey

I can really only answer back issue number 1. It sounds like you need to start time out. 1 minute for every year old and the time doesnt start until she is sitting down. Make sure you make one spot the "Timeout Spot" and stick with it. It is hard to watch or kids have tantrums but they are part of growing up. When she wants you to play with her tell her, "I need to finish what I'm doing and then I will be more than happy to play with you but you go get started and I will be in shortly." Maybe try and include her in your tasks also, like laundry or even cooking, not sure if you do that but my oldest son just loves to do both of these. Good Luck and rememeber to stick with what you decided to do, she needs consistancy and she will thrive.

I think that she is like that with you because you give in. She knows that she just has to keep it up, and you will come and do what she wants. The telling you where to sit has to do with their new found control. My son used to tell my husband to stay in the kitchen when he would take me by the hand and lead me somewhere.

Can you redirect her at all? I'm sorry, I can't play right now...do you want to help me, or go play with your doll? My son loves standing at the counter and watching/helping me cook. The tantrums will only last as long as you allow them. Let he know that you understand that she is disappointed, and that it is okay to cry, but not to throw a tantrum. Let her know that when she is ready to talk, to come find you and WALK AWAY. If she follows, ignore her. Ask, are you ready to talk? If she is quiet and wants to talk, give her your FULL attention so that she sees that this is what gets the rewards, not the tantrum.

I recommend you get this book: Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic
I've only cracked the cover but all my friends with older kids said it was the most helpful in learning how to relate to their child(ren) and what's going on.

Just buy it used off Amazon. Looks like you can get a copy for 1 cent! Costs more to ship it!: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Percept...

Children learn to deal with what they are presented with. This child prefers to have mommy always available at her beck and call and her techniques have worked. She's not consciously thinking about how she can manipulate mom - it's innate. She is probably a very intelligent child. She sounds very much like my daugher, now 14. You really MUST let her go through the tantrums as much as the crying, thrashing make you crazy. My daughter would have 45 minute tantrums at first. She'd follow me from room to room to make suer I knew she was not happy. Think - do you want her pulling this when she's 13? ("I told you I wanted a coach bag!")

Warn her in advance - set up your expectations for her. "This is what we're going to do now - sometimes we get to play together and sometimes I have to do other things and you'll have to play alone. If you want to get upset you can, but I still have to do this other thing (make-dinner, do laundry, etc.) so even if you begin to cry mommy still has to finish dinner and no matter how much you cry I will still have to finish dinner. I know that you can play nicely by yourself - you're such a smart girl. And I know you can do this I will be so proud of y ou!" Then stick to it. When she has a tantrum, step over her or around her, let her scream. Do what ever you have to do to avoid reacting to her tantrums. Trust me, she's fine - she may thrash about, tell you her tummy hurts - she'll beg you - mommy pleeeease. If you had to put earbuds in and listen to your ipod - do it. The first tanrum will be the longest - but it will end. The next one is a test - but it will be shorter. Eventually they'll stop - and when they do tell her how proud you are of her - give her hugs.

My daugher would only have a tantrum at home and initially they'd last 45 minutes - over a week or two they vanished. My son would have a tantrum anywhere - in the middle of the grocery story aisle - he didn't care. But his would only last about 2 minutes. They are al different

Think of it like cancer surgery - the pain of surgery isn't fun, it's not something you want to do - but if the doctor tells you there's cancer you have to have surgery to remove it. This is one of those short-term emotionally "painful" times for both of you - but there's a long term benefit.

You can do this mama!

1. Sounds like she's favoring you right now and getting her way because you are allowing it. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm saying this is why she keeps banging on the door (eventually you will come back). Do not worry about this - she will one day not want you and only want daddy, and then turn around and only want you. As long as you keep telling her "I'll be there in a minute", "Let mommy put this away and then we'll play" and then you follow through, you are doing the right thing.

2. I suggest putting her on the potty before bathtime. Do not ask if she has to go. Just put her on there. The next time she poops in the bath, give her a shower. Stop with baths for awhile and put her in the shower with you or dad.

3. I would stop giving her milk. If anything, give her a sippie cup of water. If it's really milk she wants, this will not help. If it's just the comfort of a drink, this will help and it's not as bad as milk. I would first try to continue rocking/comforting her but if it's not working, I suggest trying water.

1. When my daughter began throwing tantrums and she would not respond to time outs I put her in the high chair and faced it to the wall and walked away! At least she couldn't hurt herself. It stopped pretty quickly.
2. She cannot be potty trained until you get the rest of this stuff under control.
3. Bottle of water! And our husband should give it to her. She will stop. She is not hungry.
Good luck!

Question #1 sounds like you are raising my son! He's now 23 months old and is getting better about playing by himself. I started with telling him, "I'll be right back...you start playing and I'll be here in 1 minute". Then I returned as promised. I gradually stretched it out to things like "Mommy's going to fold the laundry, I'll be back when I'm done" 90% of the time it works. But it has taken several months to get to this point. I have found it easier on both of us to start playing when he asks and then explain (about 2 or 3 minutes into playtime) that I'll be back. Now he will go in his room and play by himself for up to an hour sometimes!!!

Question #2 I have no experience with yet. Mine is NOT ready for the potty so, although we have one and he knows it's his potty, he has never used it and we don't really try to get him to yet.

Question #3 I can't comment on too much either. Once my son got night weaned, he doesn't wake up asking for milk anymore (knock on wood)!!! Perhaps she's still testing her boundaries and seeing just how much she can get away with?

You need to find a way not to give in to her tantrums. My 4 year old is somewhat strong willed. As a toddler he had time outs in his pack and play (until he could climb out) and play or restrained in his high chair (after he stopped using it for meals). I have also heard of a car seat being used for this purpose. After a while (age 2.5 or 3) I could head off a tantrum sometimes by reminding him to ask nicely. Sometimes the answer is just no and it takes a lot of testing before that message sinks in, even if you are pretty consistent. My 4 year old is still limit testing, though not the exact same way.

first who is the parent and who is the child. put her in her room when she throws a temper tantrum and shut the door so you don't have to hear it. you are not a play toy start acting like a parent. sorry dont mean to be mean to you but you better get a grip real fast or your headed for trouble in the future big time. the reason she doesnt do this with other adults is they don't let her do it.

second she may be a little young to potty train she may not be ready.

third does she have a night light. my 2 yr old would wake up screaming like a bad dream we put up night lights and it hasnt happened since he goes back to sleep.