Seeking Advice on Step-child/step-parent Relationship

hi C. my name is K. also lol. I know exactly what your going through and ill do my best and kinda tell you how to get through it. I married my husband almost 6 years ago and he had an almost 2 year old daughter. Im not gonna lie i hated the fact that he had a kid with someone else. I was very young at the time and jealous so i was horrible. For 2 years i treated her like she was the outcast and i know it made her feel sad. I had issues that i needed to get over. My pastor of my church helped me with it and now almost 6 years and she calls me both mom and K.. Im very open with her i treat her the same as i do my other children. She doesnt live with us she lives with her mom in washington. We are hoping some day soon we will get custody. My advice is just to take it day by day and let her know that u do care and that she is your daughter. It will all work out believe me it has for me and we had a very rocky start. It took almost 5 years for us to build the bond and believe me now its pretty strong.

Dear C. D.,
I too am a step mom. My husband had two children from a previous marriage and we have one daughter together.It was difficult at first especially with the older girl who was about 10 when we married and the youngest was 6. I really took my time and tried to find a common interest with each of them that was totally apart from their dad. The 6 year old loved dolls and I had a collection of Barbie dolls with all the accessories. I scheduled a play date with just the two of us. We had a blast! I would also send her letters and cards when she was with her mom. She loved it! We are very close now and still share a special bond. The oldest girl took more time but as she got older she started sharing some of her dreams with me. I guess I was her sounding board. I'd listen without judgement and she gradually started feeling closer. They call me Jan and for me that's ok. I hug them and kiss them and scold them when necessary and I know that they care for me deeply. Just take one step at a time. Spend time with just her to let her know that she is important to you. Don't try to force the feelings they will come in time. God bless you!

Hi my name is L. and I really understand what you are going through. My situation was a little different but same outcome. My husband and i met 4 years ago and married in 04. I have a son from previous and him a daughter. They are older 9 and 11 now. I had a hard time with the bond with my stepdaughter and she cals me L. my son and husband ae the same way. My son does not know his father but my stepdaughter lives 3/4 time with Mom. I do not want to be called Mom by her but the bondong part was hard adn still is. I have tried to have special things that we do together when she is here so I can feel aconnection with her. I can surl up and snuggle adn talk to my son all the time but I catch myself sitting on the other side of the couch from her. I have started to give her a kiss on the forehead each night and tell her a list of fun dreams to have so that we have our nighttime ritual just like I do with my Son. But I do hear you I feel like they are two different worlds. I can say though I have felt closer to her in the past 6 months since I started to try these things.

C.,
Any of us with step children know how hard this can be. I found that my step-son just one day started calling me "Mom" - we think partly because of my son calling me "Mom". The same works for my son calling my husband "Dad". Both of the other parents are involved, but the kids understand there is a difference. With my step-son, I haven't pushed or corrected anything. If he wants to call me by my first name or skip giving me a hug at night, I take his lead. I think the best thing you can do is continue showing them affection, even if it's in the form of a smile, taking extra time with them or inviting them to help you with things you know they will enjoy. Your step-daughter may have feelings that you don't know or understand. While she may not remember her biological mother or feel any attachment to her, there may be some underlying confusion she doesn't understand at her age. I wish there were times I could tap into my step-son's mind and understand what's going on in his head...those wheels are always turning. :)

You mentioned that you've tried to let her know that it's okay with you for her to decide what to call you. Keep the door open and give her time.

Best of luck!

I have one bio son and three step kids.. two girls and a boy. I find that what comes naturally to me has to do with both the biological aspect and their personality and how accepting they are. Of course things are natural with my son. My stepson (7), things are becoming more and more natural all the time... I am mom in his eyes, he calls me that or M. even at times, he comes to me with things probly 50% of the time rather than his dad, etc. My youngest step daughter (10), things come VERY naturally with. She will crawl in bed with me, talk to me about anything, I've been M. for quite a while, etc. My oldest daughter (11), we only kiss on the cheaks, she will cuddle on the couch with me IF the timing is right (dad isn't around for one), but she defies me more than anyone in our house.
Another thing... their previous experience and knowledge of what a "mom" is, is totally different.
Connor was 1 when bio walked out and has come back every 6 months or so in the last 6 years, stayed for a day and left. He has never known what a mom is, or why he would need one. He's a boy, he's had dad... who needs anything else?
Taylor was 4, but bio never took care of her as an infant. What she was taught was "there's a mom in my life, but she doesn't care about me". Not to mention, she's a girl with girlie friends that have a mom... all she ever wanted was a mom so she welcomed me with open arms.
Savanah... she's a different story all together. She was 5 when bio left, and she was the favorite and the "best friend"... she was talked to as a friend, told very adult stuff, etc. I am not like that... she is my child, not my best friend. I talk to her about things that are appropriate for a 11 year old... not my friends. To her, I'm not treating her like I'm a mom, so she won't treat me like one... I'm treating her "like a baby" in her eyes.
My best advice to you is... Stop and think about what your daughter has learned from her mom.
I could go on about this subject for days but I'm sure you've read enough! Feel free to email me if you would like to chat some more though.

Not sure if I have any words of wisdom, but just wanted to let you know that I share many of the same issues.
My two oldest came to me when they were 3 and 4. It was really important to me not to 'force' a relationship on them. My rule was that they could call me what ever they wanted as long as it was respectful. Over the last couple years they've come to call me Mom most of the time. At first I was VERY uncomfortable with them calling me that. That word means A LOT and I wasn't sure if I was ready to 'fit the bill', but over time I came to accept it. Now, I am happy that they feel we have that sort of relationship(their real 'mom' has chosen not to be in the picture).
I too have the same set of rules for all the kids(taking into consideration age differences), but I understand what you say about some things just coming 'naturally' with your biological child/ren. It's not that I don't have a bond with my other two...it is there and there is love...BUT it seems to be instinctual, and as you say, natural with my biological son, whereas it sometimes has to be concious with the other two.
Personally, I don't feel that it is a lack of a bond or love...not from me or them. To me it's more the habit of holding back and not trying to usurp or 'force myself' onto them in the mother role. I try to remember that at this point, there is no reason for that holding back...that I've earned the right(and I still feel wrong in saying that) to be their mother by BEING their mother.
It's a complicated thing, I think, full of some pretty deep issues. I'm glad though, that maybe I'm not the only one experiencing some of these things.
I wish you the best,

S.

Never being in such a situation before i'm wingin' my advice here. Maybe you could take her out, just the two of you, and do something special to try and increase the bond you have with her. I think that overall (obviously depending on her age) communication is the key. Just let her know that she is just as special to you as the other kids are. Kudos to you for being a positive mother figure to her!

I think that's really hard to say if should have bonded already. It's different when it's someone else's child, you weren't pregnant with that child so it makes it really to create a bond. I would say DON'T push it, it will come naturally when the time is right. Also with the kids, let here know they can call you mom if that IS what you want but don't make them if they are not comfortable. I always thought that is between the parent and the child.
If your child still calls your husband by his first name maybe that's why his child calls you by your first name. Have you told BOTH of the other children they can call you mom and dad? If one says it's okay and the other doesn't that may be why they haven't done it yet. But only do what you ARE comfortable with.

Good luck
V.

As someone who went through this as a child I have to say even though your step children may have an absent parent, you should never force them or persuade them to call you mom or dad. I never call my stepmother mom, not because I don't like her, I love her to death, but she isn't my mother. Your step children will show their love for you in the ways they feel comfortable, and if for some reason the absent parent does come around and sees their kid calling someone else mom, that just doesn't slide. No matter how much you have been there for them, continue that, but remember you are not a replacement, but just the closest thing to being that other parent.

It's okay to have that conscious feeling that these are not your biological kids and bonding with them the same as your kids is not going to be the same. As long as they appreciate you and love you, that's all that really matters. :)

Hi,
Not much advice but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! My husband and I have only been married for 2yrs and he got custody of his daughter just before we were married. This topic never really came up until I had a baby last year, my husband's daughter doesn't call me 'mom' either.

My husband wishes that she would especially since her mother is AWOL but the thought of her calling me mom kinda freaks me out. I tell her she doesn't have to since she already has a mom, so I'm just L.. I'm also having the same issues about closeness, I don't hug/kiss/cuddle her like I do my son, I don't know if anyone else has noticed it but I do.

I never really believed it when people would say "your own are different" but now that I'm experiencing it first hand I can really tell. I don't mean to be malicious about it, but there just isn't that comfort level. I think the best we can do is just be there as an extra set of ears & a shoulder to lean on. I enjoy the fact that she's my friend & I hope it continues into her teen years. If that comfort level ever improves then major plus, but until then I'm happy just knowing that I provide a positive role model as a strong female to her and that she knows that she is safe & secure in our home. Good luck & blessings!

Don't know if this will matter to you as my kids are not step-children, but all 3 of my boys (aged 12, 5, and 2) call me (and my husband) by our first names. We haven't encouraged it on purpose, they just grew up hearing other people refer to us this way and it seemed like a normal thing to do. They all call us mom or dad when they want something or are being sweet, but it's usually our first names. Other people comment at times, but not in a mean way.

C., I think it's wonderful that you are letting another child into your family to love.
I truely believe that it will take a little time for both of you to adjust. I'm aware you stated that she's lived with you for a while, but there might of been an issue that we both don't know about which may allow the child to shy from you. I think it's baby steps, maybe by trying to spend a little more quiet time with this child all alone. Doing things that she or he likes would be a start. Maybe when the other children are down for a nap, etc. would help. I say one day at a time, and also pray about it, and also pray before you start that activity. You'll be amazed what God would do. Hope this helps. T. J.

Dear C.,
I am in a somewhat similar situation. My boyfriend had a three year old little boy when we started dating (he's now 6). He definitely calls me 'M.' and we have had several discussions about how I am not his mom but his friend BUT that we are all family. We ALL now includes a little sister that his dad and I had this summer. So, we have the same children-from-different-parents theme going on.
However, I was able to bond fairly well fairly early on with my boyfriend's son. I can say with a fair amount of certainty that an outsider would not be able to tell the difference between him and our daughter as far as treatment, affection, etc. That said, there ARE def. times when his affection toward me is clearly less enthusiastic than toward his father. This is something that is harder to take on some days but I have to remind myself that I am not his mother and that that is OK. I can see how this could easily lead to reciprocal aversion of affection. Its hard to be rejected by a small child when you go to give them a kiss or a hug. But keep trying.
AND DON'T FEEL BADLY! Every single person, children included have different emotional and mental outlets. What's important is not whether or not you kiss your step daughter as much as you kiss your own children but whether on not your stepdaughter feels as secure and loved in her home environment as your own children.
I will say though that one thing we have done from the beginning is make clear, without every stating the words, that there is no such thing as "this is my HALF-sister". regardless of what issues the parents involved have, those children are siblings and will become some of the most important people in each others lives.
best of luck C.!

Hi C.,

I suggest you don't make it a problem if your kids call the step-parents by first names, because to share with you, that's what is happening in our household also (my kids call my husband his first name, and my stepdaughter call me by my first name) and everyone is comfortable doing that. Even if my own kids do call me Mama and my stepdaughter call my husband, Dad. My husband and I are okay with that.

My point is, maybe, you can just let it go for now, don't worry about it and maybe in the long run, whatever it is that you wanted, a change, then it will happen when the time is right...

In the same shoes with you,

I.

Dear C.,
I know that having a step-parent isn't easy and some children don't like having them. But for you I don't see where there should be a problem she's very young and doen't know that you are one. She just knows you as mom so try letting her know you are and give her the attention she's craving. I feel someone is whispering in her ear and telling her she's not your mom. And as little as she is that's not good or she's going through missing her mom. And she doesn't know it. Due to her age.Instead of doing all the same with all the children do something different with her.I just know I never liked step-parents as i was growing up and even now. My son whose 18 hates his step dad and now my daughter whose 11 is starting to. She didn't at first because he is the only daddy she knows. But as she is getting older she is starting to hate him. Because she knows he's not her real dad. I never kept things behind her back and especially her real dad. I told her about him in good graces and now all she wants to do is meet with him. So having you as her mom should be a blessing but something doesn't add up. Is she visiting with other family members or can she feel you dont prefer her to be around because she doesn't care to be. In which all is fital to you being close to her. Try for a few weeks just to focus on her. I don't know all about little ones but i do know step-parents are not truely nice. Maybe 5% out of 95% are special and the other just is only in it for the person they married. That how I grew up when my father married 6 other women in my childhood. I finally moved to my mom's when i was 13 to go and have a step-dad who wasn't any better at all. So if it's not theres they dont have those feelings inside they should have for anyones child. Love all children and they will grow to be productive human beings. And most of all LOVED.

Hey There C. ..

I'm new to this group .. this is my first post actually. First off I wanted to tell you to hang in there!

Some advice for you as a step-mother myself is to just do what feels right for you. Don't ever force yourself into being more loving, affectionate and don't let yourself get to hard on yourself. Don't pressure yourself into anything you weren't allready doing.

My step-sons have different mothers and so I have a different family dynamic in my house however the underlying element is the same. The kids and I had formulated our own type of relationship and it didn't necessarily include alot of kissing and hugging and sleeping in the same bed. Instead we shared all of the jokes, the quirky things throughout there day that wasn't always shared with there biological parents. My step-sons had a huge, huge loyalty issue with there mothers and there mom's wouldn't allow them to call me mom or be affectionate to me. There would be times we would be leaving and they wouldn't even let the kids say good-bye to me. I didn't force it. If they want to give me a hug they can, if they want to kiss me good-bye they can, if they want to tell me they love me they can, they slip (rarely) and call me mom but mostly by my name - Jackie and I am ok with that. I never wanted to pressure them into a role that niether they or I were comfortable with.

I think from what it sounds like your doing exactly what you should be doing. Maybe you can try to see what you and you step-daughter share that maybe you don't with your biological kids?

When my step-sons were small I sort of felt the same way you did. I was starting to feel mean or that something was wrong with me and I wasn't able to "love" them the right way. What I didn't see until just recently now that they are into there teen and pre-teen years is that we have developed a more "friend - go-to" type relationship with them and I get the scoop on the girls and the friends and the gags they pull on each other. They come to me with issues because I'm not as embarrassing to talk to as there real parents. That came from there mouth. At that moment I realized that I did actually have a bond with them but it was unique and special to just us and only them and I had it.