Seeking Advice on the Affects of Divorce on Children

I was wondering how things have worked out for you? I'm in a similar situation and I have no idea what to do.

With so many other responses, I almost didn't want to respond. I read through them, but then still felt compelled to offer my own story and opinions.

I have now been divorced three years, and my son is five. It has not been a pleasant journey, but it was the right decision for myself and my son.

Divorce does not have to be devasating for the children. Children are very resilient. The damage is done by the behavior of parents during and after the divorce. While you can not control your husband's behavior, you can control your own and in time, your children will see that and respect you for it. Many people stay together "for the kids", and honestly, I do not see that as a noble action. Children learn by example and if you stay in an unhappy marriage, then that example is what your child will learn.

My situation was quite different than yours, as I was being physically and emotionally abused. My ex was unresponsive and cold, and thought I made a great punching bag. He constantly berated my physical appearance (calling me fat and ugly) -- usually while he was drunk. I left several times and always went back -- he would call and tell me he was sober and wanted to try again. Eventually, after being held captive in my own home for 15 hours while he beat me, I left him with nothing more than the clothes on my back. I did not even have my son because during the overnight fight, he had his own parents come take my son. It took me two weeks to get temporary custody and get my son back.

You husband broke his vows by cheating on you. Other moms have suggested therapy and counseling, and that may be an option for you and your husband - if you still feel any love for him.

Divorce is expensive and custody battles can be long and drawn out. It helps to have a mediator and it also helps if you and your husband agree to at least some of the custody issues before going to court. Typically, a family law attorney will require somewhere in the ballpark of $2500 UP FRONT as a retainer. Lawyers charge hourly, according to their experience. A lawyer with 15+ years of experience will likely charge around $400/hr. A lawyer with under 5 years may only charge $100-150/hr. The hourly rates goes against the raintainer, and when the retainer runs out, you have to fork over more money. I would advise you to shop around for a lawyer. www.legalmatch.com is a free service that allows you to post your case, then interested lawyers will contact you.

I would advise you to do some research and get the facts about divorce before making a decision. The following links will take you to sites providing information about Children & Divorce:

http://www.divorceandchildren.com/

http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/childrendivorc...

http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Children+and+Divorce&se...

In the end, my opinion or the opinion of the other moms who have shared their stories doesn't really matter. What is best for your child and for you is what really matters. Figuring out exactly what is best is a difficult and often heart-breaking process...

good luck!

Oh-- and it doesnt stop with divorce. Three years later, I am still dealing with court dates and laywers -- to change a court order is also very expensive so if you do decide to divorce, make sure you think about the long term future and get the parenting agreement/custody papers worded accordingly!

I was a child of divorce. My parents stayed married for us kids but it was a recipe for disaster. My mother cheated on my father, threw things at him, always yelled at us or him - basically, it was not a pretty picture. At the time, I was confused. We had to see each parents' attorney for custody hearings. I was about 7 or 8. My sister was 6 or 7 (it's been a long time). Anyway, even though it was confusing and scary at that time, I look back on it now and thank goodness every day that my parents didn't stay together any longer "for us kids". My father got custody and my mother split. I haven't spoken to her in many, many years. Please, for your children's sake, don't just stay in an unhappy marriage for them. Your happiness makes them happy. I'm sorry that you have to make these difficult decisions. Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do.

A.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. It's a painful and heartwrenching decision either way.

I am a major proponent of counseling, either individual, marital or both. I highly recommend my counselor in Arlington Heights; I'd be happy to talk to you about her. My husband and I have been seeing her monthly for 5 years. We started going before we were married because our relationship was rocky; we've now been married for 3 years and continue to go to counseling just for an unbiased opinion.

Make an effort to keep your issues with him (hurt, mistrust, anger, etc) your issues and try not to influence the children. He is still their father and, unless he is abusive to them, they deserve to have their own relationship with- and opinion of- him, even if you don't like him right now.

If divorce is the best decision for your family, remember that there will be a rocky transition period and to not beat yourself up for making that decision. Everyone will need time to adjust, but it will happen. Most life changes are scary for children, but having a stable, consistent and loving parent makes the transition easier.

Hi K.,
All marriages get rocky, but if it is to the point that you are thinking of divorce, it's time to talk to someone. Depending on how bad the marriage is you might only have to explain that daddy doesn't live here anymore, kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

I have been divorced and it is like a death, I never want to go through it again. But I'm glad that I did it, because now I am married to a great man and father.

I was a child of divorce, I know some people say to stay together for the children, but that is not going to do them any good. Children see to much in bad marriages and they might carry that with them and thru their marriage. I am glad that my mother left my father, he was never around, he cheated, and when he drank he got physical. I was only three when they divorced and I missed my father very much, but I still remember nights where my mom would sit and cry all night, and then he would come home-maybe, and then I got scarred. I am 41 and my father never keep in touch, I don't even know where he lives.

My mother re-married when I was six and he is my father, He loves me very much and has alway teated my like I was his own, he is a great man.

Hope this long note helps.
R.

Hi. I am speaking on the other side of divorce. My parent's were together for 40 years until my moms death 14 years ago. They fought constantly when we were younger, BUT they made it through. They kept it positive for us. When we grew up, they were still married and "enjoying" each other. They did fight but things got better when the kids were away at college. Upon return from College, I got married, and then two years later got a divorce from husband 1. HORRIBLE experience because I was too young to know what LOVE REALLY WAS! I got a divorce (no kids). Since then, I got married, have been married to the same man for 7 years and have had 2 children and I have a step son from his 1 st marriage. When dh and I fight we talk about it, not yell. We try and see each other's pov. I don't know about the cheating SOB that you have got going there though. I don't know the situation....But, counseling to me sounds like a good idea first. Find out what is really going on, then try and find solutions that way. This is just my pov. Good Luck

I am not the product of a divorce. My parents were and are still married. However, I am responding because I represent the other side. My mother could not be emotionally available to me because of what she was going through with my father's constant cheating. She ultimately ended up physically and emotionally abusing us because of her own angst. Further, my sister and I grew up learning to not trust men and while we both have loving, caring and supportive husbands, we both have a marked "guardness" with our respective husbands. I attribute this to watching this "dance" between our parents with him cheating, her finding out, them going to the Priest and him promising to not do it again. In fact, I would often hide in the back of my closet and secretly pray to God to let my parents divorce. I reasoned that two separate parents who had the chance to be happy was better than watching them fight, argue and ignore us. People say that it's very hard on the children when their parents divorce. It is very hard on children, especially girls because we look to our fathers to understand men, when parents stay together "for the sake of the kids." I wish you and your family all the best and if you ever need a listening ear, please email me. You can do this. Yes, it will be hard, but it's no harder than living a lie with a person you can no longer trust. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

I am a person who grew up with parents divorcing when I was four. My parents always put me first. Before anything they were feeling or whatever happened. I am 33 now and my mother told me when I was in my twenties that my dad cheated on her. That was the end. An absolute deal breaker. My parents made it very well known to me over and over that it was not my fault and that they both loved me. I never had a set time I saw my dad, he lived out of state alot. He always kept in contact though by phone or mail. I never felt like I missed out because I never knew any different. It probably hurt my mom more because then whenever I did see my dad, he was the HERO. Not in reality. He has lived in Illinois since I was in Junior High. Now my parents ride in the same car to come and visit us. My mom says now that he is more like her brother than like he was ever her husband (amost thiry years later).
I don't think it's a good example for your children to have of a marriage if your husband is cheating and you are unhappy.
Best of luck to you!

I've heard of a non-profit group called RAinbow or Rainbows that deals with the affects of divorce on children. Check it out. Sorry I can't give you more info on it.

Hi K.,

I am a child of divorce. My mom & father divorced after 10 years together when I was 2 & my brother was 4. I was too young to remember their marriage & my mom got custody. My mom married my step dad (whom I entirely consider my dad & call him as such) when I was 6. He was also divorced with 3 of his own children who lived with their mom.
It hasn't been easy combining families & dealing with my real father's antics. We grew up seeing him most Sundays (he was usually late). My father is very selfish & didn't really get what it meant to be a father. I have had a rocky relationship with him over the years - going through bouts of not speaking with him. He moved out of state 2 years ago, & I have to say, it's sort of a relief. I don't have to feel guilty about not seeing him.
I am so happy my mom married my "dad". He's my daddy & he knows it. He is the best & even when my mom was sick for a few years, he still put me through college. At my wedding, I wanted him to be the only dad to dance with me, but my mom made me do the "right" thing, I & had to share it with my real father.

I guess I am saying, don't stay if you're not happy. Your children will not be happy if you are not. Things can turn out well after divorce & sometimes for the better. I have been fortunate to have such a wonderful (step) dad, that I don't feel any "loss" by what my real father could not provide emotionally or otherwise for me. My mom & (step)dad will be married for 27 years this week.

I hope that helps a little.

~F.

As the child of divorced parents I can tell you it can be awful. But I see that your husband cheated which is an absolute deal breaker. If your marraige is rocky and there is fighting, tension etc. it would probably be better for the kids if you split. I am a big believer in the fact that you have to earn your way out of a marraige, but both have to be committed to working on things. If that's an option seek out a good counselor and get some support. One of the most important things to remember is that even if you get divorced you have children together which means you still need to stay connected, be civil and CO-PARENT.

I'm so sorry you're having a touch time - hope this has helped and you find yourself in a better place one way or another!

Please, think carefully about this before you do ANYTHING.
A. How does he feel, is there any chance at all counseling will help?
B. DO NOT tell him you want a divorce unless you are prepared to act, if he is a SOB like you say he will not react well and you want to be prepared.
C. Be aware that the person who does initiate divorce is in the courts eyes is NOT the victim, he is because you are the one breaking the contract.
D.Most lawyers will talk to you FREE for one hour but after that it is somewhere around $250 AN HOUR. Are you prepared to spend THOUSANDS of dollars? I hope you work and I hope you have your own savings. Be prepared to look for sitters and have people to help you with the children.
E. If this truely is something you are going to do, you better have your own savings account because he will be raiding everything, IF he is the SOB that you say. Don't do it the other way around either because it WILL come out in court. Be accountable and fair! All your business will be court business.
F. Realize that if you don't agree about custody there will be a battle, this ALWAYS affects the children, you and him badly. The only one that isn't affected is the lawyer and his family, who will thank you for supporting his/her child's education and lifestyle.
G.The courts will look at what is in the children's best interst, NOT YOURS. Unfortunately the courts don't always know all the facts or really DON'T know what is best for your children and really don't care. The children are the ones that really don't have a choice in all this and are the ones the most affected by your decision...for the rest of their lives. A judge will decide on the custody issues, not you.
H. If your husband is cold, or a cheater or a workaholic there are things you can do to work on the relationship, if there is a relationship still there. Sometimes it can be turned around. If he is abusive to you or the children then it is not worth staying, EVER. You CHOSE this person to father your children, consider staying with him until the last child is 18, not for you but for THEM. Find other interests and set the ground rules with him.
I. Be prepared for a long, expensive, emotional fight, a yearly, monthly, weekly fight. Believe me, you don't want that.
Pray, talk, consider...I wish you luck.
H.

Hi there-

I am writing to give you the perspective of a child. Even after having gone through what I have experienced, I cannot say what I would do as an adult and a Mom of a wonderful 3-year old (and a baby on the way). Here is a brief version of my story, please feel free to e-mail me if want to discuss further.

My parents married at 17 and had me at 19. My father cheated on my mom with a lady who ended up getting pregnant and having his child, when I was just 4 years old. My father was a millitary guy and wasn't much into his family and at times, abusive to both my mother and me. While my father took responsibility (financially) for the new child, my mother and I never saw her and I had no idea about her until I was 17. What I did know was that my parent's marriage was terrible, my father was abusive and that I felt horrible for my Mom. I often wished that she would leave my dad and had I known then about the affair, I would have been more vocal about it.

However, it is the end of the story that makes me wonder what was best all along. My husband too came from a divorced family, his Mom was the cheating spouse and his family is severely messed up as a result. His Mom has never been more miserable- she married the guy she cheated on his dad with. His Dad is complacent and the kids have suffered. My husband's sister has emotional issues that she has taken into her own family and my husband, was less affected, has constant frustations about what their selfishness did to his family.

My parents, however, have been married for around 36 years and are happier than they have ever been. My Dad treats my Mom like a princess. They have just recently bought their dream house and they have made the best grandparents for my child. They also offer the stability in my husband and my life that his family cannot offer.

So, as an adult, I really don't know what to think. My parents have worked through their issues. My husband's parents just exist with step-children and all of the associated problems. My parents, however, who have been together since they were 13, can happily say that they have shared the good and the bad but they have shared their lives together.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you want to talk further.

K.,
You have received a lot of great information. I have been divorced for almost a year now and it has been hard. I was emotionally abused and up until a month ago I would let his words affect me. I regret being divorced sometimes, but then I remember what life was like with him. You know whats best for you. I can honestly tell you that money is tight, but I am so much happier now, and I am sure that it reflects onto my children.

If you do go through with this...please think of all the details because they are so important. Try not to change too much in the children's life. I was lucky enough to stay in our home, so my children have all the same friends and only Daddy moving was the only change.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me.

Divorce is hard but sometimes people change and we see them in a different light...You are a strong women...and you dont want your children thinking that Dad's behavior is acceptable. Children see more than we give them credit for...they see your unhappiness and they think this is how life should be.

Get a strong support system you will need them if you go through with this.

Stay Strong! You deserve better

K.,

I've been there. My children were 7 and 3 when I got my divorce. They handled it very well actually. They are now 15 and 11 and doing great.

You must stay positive for them, tell them life will be better and happier. If you need to talk more, Im here for you.

Let me know if I can help.

L.
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I've seen both sides. My father left when I was 9 mos. old and my mother remarried when I was 10, divorcing about five years later. I remember my mother asking me before filing for divorce to my stepfather. I told her it was about damn time! She was miserable, and so was I as a result. Then again, she'd also been pretty miserable fighting through life as a single mom (sometimes on welfare, sometimes working) before she'd married him too.

I hated that my parents were divorced. However, it was still a lot less common at the time, so I was one of the only kids who didn't have two parents in my class. Nowadays it's a lot more common, so that's not as much of an issue. Explaining to the kids that you each need to live your own lives and that you'll all be able to be happier for it - the kids will understand. There will likely be an adjustment period, but they will be happier in the end too. Especially if dad stays in the picture and still is a part of their lives. If he doesn't, however, make sure you aren't the one painting a bad picture of him to the kids. As long as the two of you don't pull the kids into the battle zone, they will be alright. My half-sister got pulled into the zone with my mom and stepdad - he'd buy her guilt gifts and take her everywhere, while my mom couldn't afford to and badmouthed him constantly. My sister was pretty young (around age 5 or so) for most of it, and didn't know which parent she was supposed to love/hate. She'd pretend to hate one parent while in the presence of the other, to appease them both. It's still giving her issues at age 22.

However... Have you tried counselling yet? If not, and you can get him to go - well, there's a reason you married him in the first place, and maybe there's a chance you could find that spark again. Divorce seems like such a common trend these days. We never think we'll be getting divorced when we make the marriage commitment. Finding out what changed and analyzing it with a mediator might help to be sure whether or not he's abandoned his vows for good or just needs help finding his way back to you. Besides - if it doesn't work you've then got a third party witness to your efforts to try and fix it. Might help in court.

HI K.,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Divorce is a hard decision to make and it's not easy for anyone. I just want to tell you about my situatuion. I am the child of divorce. I was 4 yo and my brother 8 mos. I am very glad that my parents got a divorce. My father was a drunk, cheating SOB. He and my mother were constantly fighting and I remember being scared and sad. When they seperated, I was sad and confused, but I managed. Throughout my childhood, I attended a group called Rainbows. They are a divorce support group for children. They have groups that go as young as 3yo. It really helped me cope. As for my brother, honestly, he was so young he doesn't remember anything. His only issue is that my "father" dropped of the earth a few years later, after scattered visits. So, he grew up not knowing his father at all. But we were definitely happier children all in all. Living in a stressful house is not a good environment for children. They know when you are not happy andf that affects them too. Not to mention, what message is it sending them? You don't want them to grow up thinking to deal with cheating and fighting. They need to see a happy and healthy relationship to model themselves after in adulthood.
I truly hope everything works out for you. This is a rough time, I know. Be strong for yourself and your children. Keep the faith and look up Rainbows for your children, just Google it. I can't say enough about the program. Good Luck in your future.
Sincerely,
S.

K.,

I am a therapist and I work with children and families. I can tell that it is far more detrimental to children to be in a home that is full of conflict and unhappiness than to be in two homes that are peaceful and stable. Divorce is NOT harmful to children if the parents keep the focus of co-parenting and don't let their personal issues/conflict effect the children or their parenting. It is far better to provide a stable nurturing environment as a single parent than an unhappy unstable environment with two parents. At some point you might want to consider "divorce" counseling for the children, particularly the 7 year old. Best of luck to you, you are in my thoughts. C.

I recently went thru a divorce and as tough as it is I found that if you are honest with your child and can both sit and explain why mommy and daddy are splitting, they deal with it better. My son has adjusted well and I have chosen to have open custody with his father so he can be as involved as he desires in our sons lives. Sometimes we as adults have to put our anger behind us for the sake of our children.

I truly feel for you and your husband and I hope you can work things out. I preface my message with this because recently a friend of mine introduced me to a book which I HIGHLY recommend you read, and any other women dissatisfied with their marriages. It is called "the proper care and feeding of husbands" and its by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It is fabulous and sheds a lot of insight on why marriages do not work out and how to repair them. The reason I share this is because my husband and I have been married almost 4 yrs and I feel like it is so dissatisfying to both of us. I was talking to my friend who recommended it to me and she explained how often one spouse cheats because their EMOTIONAL needs are not being met. Not their physical needs. Maybe there is something that you need to look at in how you deal with him and his subsequent cheating is a product of that. I am not supporting his behavior in any way at all, however maybe for the sake of you, your marriage, and your children, you could examine it further before dumping it out the window. I say this all to you as well as to myself. I have started to read the book and work on a lot of these issues because I know the alternative stinks for everyone. Also, kids repeat behaviors whether we like it or not. I also recently got both of us into counseling and he goes by himself as well. I am hoping this may help. Please try to work on it - go to counseling with him or by yourself. Try for your children. They are presumably everything to you and you owe it to them and yourself. I hope I am not coming across condescending at all, I just want things to work out for you guys as I am trying with my own situation. Good luck and I'm praying for you.

My sister and I are childen of divorce. My mom was married at age 18 and had me at 19. 2 years later, Dad was gone off to Colorado and we never really heard from him. My mom never rec'd child support. When I was about, mmmm, 9ish my mom got remarried to a wonderful man. He became my "Dad" and they had a son together. When my brother was about 5, they divorced. That was harder on me as I was about 15 or so and very attached to my step-dad. He actually gave me away when I got married. I knew they fought and I hated seeing it. Life went from wonderful to tension-filled and miserable. Although I was sad, it was a relief when they split.

On the otherhand my in-laws stayed together, maybe for the kids who knows...but they can't stand each other. It's obvious to anyone who is around them. They sleep in separate bedrooms and I haven't heard a kind word spoken from either of them about the other...ever.

So, in my opinon, you need to do what's best for you and your children. My mom started over twice. My sister, brother and I are well-adjusted adults all in very respectful and loving relationships. Divorce, although difficult is a better environment than stress-filled, angry home.

As for what to tell your kids, be honest. They don't need to know what Daddy did or any of that BS because it just hurts kids to hear negative talk about their mom or dad. But, just be open with them. Perhaps you can talk to their doctor or go to a family counselor to figure out the best approach.

Good luck to you and your kids.

K.- I am in your situation as well except my twin sons are only 15 months old. I filed for divorce in April. My husband is a party boy who will not grow up. Who knows how many times he has cheated on me. The advice I got that made me file was getting out now when the kids are young. If you stay in this relationship the kids will think that Dad's behavior is acceptable and you will end up having history repeat itself and turning your son into a future cheating s.o.b. and if you have a daughter she will think its okay she will go for someone like her Dad. I am told that my husband is acting just like his own father and his Grandfather..
For your own dignity and your kids get out. This guy is cheating on his family.
I have the best divorce attorney in the south suburbs I will gladly refer you to him if you are serious. Don’t let let you 7 year old get any older witness this.

I've read through the responses; all great advice, and from the heart. My two brothers, sister, and myself are victims of losing a father to divorce. Unfortunately, it will long-term devastate your children, but in some cases, staying married will devastate them as well. If you can keep it together, go to counseling, preferably Christian based counseling. If divorce is the only way, still go to counseling by yourself, as divorce will leave you scared as well. The counseling will help tremendously with your next relationship.

Good luck and I will pray for you and your family.
K.

Just remember your kids know what is going on even if you think you guys are hiding it. They learn from this and may end up having relationships similar to yours because that is what they have learned. Boys may treat their partners like dad and girls may let their partners treat them like dad treated mom. Kids may need to start some counseling now-even if it is a group in school they could meet with.

Divorse is a big deal and I would advise exhausting all options-counseling for the whole family, etc...-
K.

My parents divorced when I was really young and I didn't have a termatic experience like most would say happened. Even though my parents weren't married they always respected each other and I can honestly say never said a bad thing about the other. They departed as friends and still to this day are. I am 30 years old now and I don't regret not having my parents married, my mother was happy and by that I was always in good situations. I believe the effect on the children is by the way the parents act after getting divorce it is there actions towards on another especially in front of the children that rub off. Children know whats going on trust me and they will react towards that.

I hate to hear that you are going through this but I don't believe in staying somewhere you are not happy and it flat out isn't a good situation. Good luck and I wish you the best

Hi K.,

I am so sorry. My father was also a cheater, and my mom finally had it and divorced him. Same year her sister died and she helped to raise her 5 children. But she did it. And what I will say it I am so proud of my mom for having the strength to do it. She is an inspiration to me. SHe put her life on hold to make sure we were raised in a happy and good home. He was also a drinker. Took years, but they are now friends. its been 29 years since they divorced, and my mom never said a bad word about him, and she had a lot to say. He sure said horrible things about her, never true, but now, I think he is a jack ass. My mom chose the high road, and he did not. I was 2, my sister was 6. I don't remember ever living with my dad.
Kids bounce back. They will notice how happy mommy is again and that will make them happy. If mama ain't happy, nobody is happy. Couseling is my best advice, for you, him, and the kids. You will want to be civil one day, maybe even friends.
You take care of yourself, go out, treat yourself. Time heals all. Best wishes to you and your family.