Seeking Advice on Troublesome Three Year Old Boy!!

Hi,

As far as bedtime goes, try a routine. Give him a nice warm bath, get him into bed, read a quiet story and then tell him he can do something quiet in his bed (look at a book, one small toy etc.) Do this every night. Also, watch the naps, maybe he's ready to quit (mine quit at two). It sounds like he's overstimulated so maybe the quiet bedtime routine will work. Potty training- unfortunatly, he's ready when he's ready. You can try until you're blue but if he's not ready, it won't work. Keep trying, everyday but not so insistant. I'd ask every so often - do you have to go potty? I will happen. Just remember, no adult still wears diapers because they weren't potty trained by their parents. Patience (hard as it is) but it will happen.

Three years old can be a very hard age. I'm sure he's exhibiting a lot more independence and testing your patience. Work on a good bedtime routine and stick with it, making sure he knows what to expect and keep it positive. Perhaps set a timer when you are beginning to establish the routine. He may want a small night light in his room if you don't already have one. " ("Make sure pajamas are on, teeth are brushed and pick out 3 books - we'll hug (his favorite stuffed animals-ONLY three each night or you could be hugging 20!") Then...kiss him, say good-night, lights off and leave.) Nothing too stimulating, then be done. If he continues to do a good job, then you can maybe alter the routine one night a week for a special reward. If he is very wound up at night, cut out any naps during the day and make sure his bed-time is earlier. (My neighbor's kids go to bed at 7:00 pm...too early for my kids but not for some kids.) I love my husband but, around bedtime, he began to get into a habit of wrestling with my son, then say "Allllllright.....son....settle down it's bedtime!" So...take a good look at your current routine to make sure you are not encouraging him to be energized.

Re. potty training...if he isn't ready, there is nothing you can do about it. Just keep trying! Keep offering rewards, encouragement, new big boy underwear, books, anything to get him in the bathroom to try. I remember a mom who took off a week of work JUST to potty train her 3 year old. Our kids were the same age and I thought it was funny then! The moral of THAT story is.... he finally trained at 4 years old! My busy son was 3 1/2 years old when he graduated to big boy pants. Had little interest before then, then one day - it clicked!

Good luck!

P.S. Just read Elaine's post....we never used a potty seat, either. We used a seat that fit on the toilet. However, if it works just as well to not use a smaller, attachable seat, then try it. I didn't want ANY MORE toilets to clean in the house than I had to!

Why on EARTH would you want to hurt his feelings?

Since negative responses don't seem to be working-- how about some positive ones.... maybe his bedtime is too early or his naptime is too late? Maybe too much stimulation before bed? Maybe a sleep chart with rewards for staying in bed (can't MAKE someone sleep). Have you asked him why he's getting up?

As for potty training-- I have found that the more you force the issue- the more they resist- it becomes a power play. How about showing him cool big-boy underwear. Maybe your older son can show him how cool toilets are. Make it fun-- toilet targets- etc?

My son is almost 3, and when we would put him to bed or say "go to sleep" it seemed to make him more determined to stay up. I had a talk with him & told him at bedtime he is not allowed to come out of his room, but he is allowed to play quietly, & he can stay up as long as he wants in there. I'll find 20 trucks in bed with him in the morning, but he falls asleep on his own with no arguement.

P.,

My experience is that they get 'energized' at bedtime because they are tired - usually followed by a very crabby period when it becomes extremely difficult to get them in bed.

I would try putting him to bed a little earlier, make a set routine that is pleasant for both of you - bath, storytime, prayer, lullabye - whatever fits, consistent routine is key to 3 yr olds and it will calm him. The other Mom who asked about his nap schedule makes a good point as well - inquire about how long he is sleeping during the day when you're working, that might have to be shortened.

After the 'tucking them in' if my kids get out of bed they were always dealt with very, very seriously by me - this is one thing that has always been important to me because by that time of day I am tired and need my time in order to be a good mom.

I found that they learn very quickly that if they get back up they will not be greeted by the sweet mama that just tucked them in - but rather a very firm voice and no nonsense, and I mean your most serious tone - order him back to bed. Repeatedly walking him back to his room will wear you both out at that time of day, in my opinion it's not like a time-out (when you should do that for three minutes).

My daughter (5) just recently started protesting more than usual at bedtime so we have started a sticker chart - if she 'goes to bed without arguing' for five days (or close to it) she gets a reward. You could try that with your little guy, if he resists after you order him back to bed - tell him 'okay, no sticker for tonight'. We put our bedtime sticker on our chart each morning from the night before. You have to really do it right though - the first time he doesn't earn his sticker, express how sorry you are and that maybe he will do better tonight.

As for potty training - I would leave it be awhile, if he is not interested, he is not ready and you can't control that. You can just keep putting him on the potty and reading to him and he might go out of coincidence but honestly it's a big time investment and in my opinion you are better off to wait until his little bladder has matured a bit more so he has control and knows when he has to 'go'.

If you lighten up a bit on the potty training he might also be easier to get to bed for the time being. Hope that is helpful, sorry to sound like a know-it-all; just been there. Hold him close and love him - they grow up too fast.

hugs,

W.

I have two boys (3 and 1). My older son showed the "potty signs" early and we had the potty chair in the bathroom when he was about 4 months past two. We would ask him and try to encourage him going and he would firmly tell us, "NO." At his 3 year check-up, I asked the doctor and he told me not to worry. Like others have mentioned it's not like he will go away to college in a diaper. So, we pretty much left it alone. Then 4th of July weekend (two weeks after turning three) he told us he wanted to go potty. He hasn't worn a diaper since. Obviously, he was ready. It was the easiest thing in the world! Again, because he was ready.

Bedtime is something we've seemed to have luck with (so far!). In truth, I give credit to the fact that we have had a routine for him. When the time he was an infant, it was "bath, bottle, bed". As he grew it was "bath, brush teeth, books, bed". I know that they don't need a bath every night, but he was colicky (very) and the bath soothed him so much as a tiny baby.

He's been in a toddler bed since about 2.5 and the first few days he would get out of bed. We went on "Super Nanny Duty" and every time he got out of bed we would walk in and put him back. No words, no looks, nothing. We just picked him up and put him in bed. After two or three days he didn't even try. There was one night that it went on for close to an hour (if I remember correctly). DH and I took turns at the door peeking in and as soon as his feet hit the floor, we went in and put him back.

Good luck. :)

T.

Does he nap during the day? If so, could it be possible that his naps are too long? Both of my kids did this when they first transitioned to toddler beds, but they were 1 1/2 at the time and the novelty of being able to actually get themselves up got the beter of them. Lol. The only thing my husband and I could do was keep putting them back in bed. No communication, just keep doing it. It's exhausting, but it will become boring and exhausting to them too. It took maybe two weeks tops before they started staying in bed once the lights went out.

Potty training--you are not gonna like this one either. You can keep trying to make him comfortable with the bathroom and potty skills, but until he's ready himself, you will drive yourself crazy pushing him to succeed. I speak from experience. My daughter (oldest-5now) was always and is still quite advanced in many areas. Potty training wasn't one of them. She was in daycare at the time (age 2-2 1/2). Both they and I wanted her out of diapers. Who wouldn't? They're expensive. I made myself crazy. For this and other reasons, my husband and I decided we could afford to do the SAHM thing. A couple months later she finally succeeded. My son I vowed to let him tell me when it was time. Ihated the stress I put on she and I and I would not do it again. I started noticing signs, bought him underwear, told him he couldn't wear them til he was ready to pee in the potty. About a week later, he threw away his last 5 diapers, helped me disassemble his changing table, put on underwear, and was nearly trained in a weekend. Much better!

Sorry so long. =0) But good luck.

I would agree that a routine works best in our household. We read 5 books (short board books) every night (sometimes they are the same books in the same order so they know what's coming). I also would recommend either a shorter or earlier nap. We have a wind down period about 1/2 hour before bed - we dim our lights and start cleaning up any messes, getting into pjs, picking out clothes for the next day... The kids like that. A couple of times we had to put the door knob lock on their door to prevent them from getting out of their rooms. They just went back to their bed and went to sleep.
As far as the potty chair - just wait. I can't stress that enough. My 3 year old had no interest and then one day - he got it! I would suggest getting rid of any pull up or diaper. Just be done with it. After wetting his pants a couple of times - he'll get it. Just give it time. My son was a couple of months past 3 when he got it.

Sounds like Elaine is a wise grammy! My husband was the principal one in training my son and my grandson. When he got involved, it didn't take long at all. Even if there are time constraints for your husband, he should start the process and be with son whenever he can and you follow their routine when he's gone. Bedtime: buy a little tape recorder that he can operate and get the books on tape or cd. The rule is that he has to stay in bed but he can listen to his books. This seems to wind them down. He's probably highly intelligent and his mind is going at fast speed. You need to give him something to occoupy it. A side benefit of this. I did it with my grandson and by second grade he was reading at the fifth grade level. Learning to read is not only what you see but what you hear and see. His vocabulary was always in the superior range. Besides the bedtime stories, we got books on tape for the car and listened to classics whenever we had a long ride or went on vacation. By 16 he was reading philosophy way beyond his grade level. Give it a try.

Hi P.,
My name is E., proud mother of 2 men, and 5 grandsons.
My suggestions on the potty training:
Lose the potty chair. Your 3 year old should be tall enough to reach the toilet, and go potty like his big brother and daddy, if not use a step stool.
Don't ask him if he has to go potty all the time. Just tell him it's time to go potty...then make it fun. I used the Lone Ranger theme with my 2 1/2 year old grandson. Duda du, duda da, da, da...hurry, let's go. I also went with him and asked, who goes first? you or me?
I told him there was no money to buy diapers, the diapers were for his baby brother.
Then I told him I would buy him any toy he wanted, if he was a big boy and used no more diapers.
It took about 2 days to train him. Don't make the mistake of putting a diaper on him at night (cover the mattress in case he has an accident). Watch his liquid consumption before bedtime and make him go to the bathroom before bedtime. We have books in the bathroom all the time, too.
I use "THE PLAN" alot...
I'll say, "Holden, here's the plan: we are going to brush our teeth, then we're going to put our jamies on, then we're going to say prayers, then we'll read a book, then everyone's going to sleep. See, it's nighttime, everyone is going to sleep. Then we're going to get up in the morning, then we're going to have breakfast, then we're going to play, then we have to do (whatever). Always, a PLAN.
Hope this helps, make it fun, give him a lot of information, tell him how proud you are of him.