Seeking Advice..My Babys Father Lives in Another State and Wants Visitation

I'll have advice for you tomorrow when I sleep on it and calm down. Right now I'm an extremely pissed off military wife of 18 years.

Whatever you do, your daughter will be affected by, this is her life, after all.
The idea is to pick the thing that will work best, and I can't believe going to court will accomplish that.
You seem to be saying your ex is a good man, and can be a good father.
That is a great starting point.
Sounds as if you are settled in California, and he will be moving around with the military - let's take that for given.
You don't really have much grounds for pushing him around about his job choice.
He HAS a job, and that is the good thing.
With any luck, one of these days he might be able to get posted to California, and that will make things easier for you both.
For now, bear in mind that your daughter is growing every day.
The things she needs now aren't what she'll need in five years, or even two, so your decisions for now are based on those needs now.
I think you are right that she isn't ready to go off alone for a couple of weeks.
So, do you have a job?
Is there any reason you can't fly to Texas with her.
Can he find you somewhere inexpensive to stay, and let him have some good alone time with his kid?
And can you find a cheap place for him to stay out here?
Trade off visits for a while.
And this is the plan for the next, say, two years.
And tell him, two years, and then we re-think things.
Maybe he'll be closer by then.
Maybe she'd be more at a fly alone on a direct flight?
(Hmmm... myself, I think that is more like a six or seven year-old.)
But maybe she'd be at fly out together and drop off, and you don't have to be staying nearby.
But most importantly, present it all as a dynamic package: we set something up and see how it works for a while, then we evaluate it and maybe make a change.
But, hey, off his back about the job because it really isn't your place to ask for a change.

Hi B.,
I don't think you are wrong about your daughter going to another state by herself to visit her father. She is very young right now. However, I do think you are being unreasonable and selfish for telling him to leave the military and that he is choosing it over his daughter. While I understand and can appreciate wanting to be in California near your family for support, you made that choice to move his daughter away from him. You have said that he is a good father and is willingly providing for your daughter on his own accord. It seems like until you brought the "choosing a job over his daughter" issue, things were going well. I would take a step back and try to get the communication back on track. Explain to him why it may be difficult for your daughter to be away from you for an extended period. Maybe you can discuss, taking turns with visits - him coming to California and you and your daughter going to Texas to visit. I am sure he will want some alone time with her during the visits and you will need to honor that, he is her dad. I don't think a few hours alone with him at this age will make her childhood suffer.

My parents divorced when I was young, but the best gift they gave me was working out a plan, so I could have a great relationship with both. Like you and your daughter's father, my parents were able to work things out amongst themselves instead of getting the courts involved. At one point, when I was 8, my dad moved overseas. My mom made a sacrifice for me and moved overseas for a year with me so I could see my dad daily. As an adult I appreciate how much my parents put me first and honored the relationship I had with the other parent.

I hope that you and your daughter's father can come up with a plan where she can develop a relationship with him. I realize that having family support on a daily basis is huge and that is something that is very hard for you to give up. I don't think you have to move to Texas, but I do think you need to work out a consistent plan to provide you daughter time with her father. Give your daughter the opportunity to build the same relationship with her father that you seem to have with your father/family.

I wish you the best in finding a compromise for your daughter's sake.

What makes you think he can just "quit" the military? He cant just say , "gee, I dont want to do this anymore, So I think I will quit". The military doesnt work that way, so Im wondering how it is you got out. If it was possible for a serveceman/woman to get out just because they had a child there wouldnt be so many parents overseas fighting for our rights in a war. There are many children who have BOTH parents in the service and stationed far away and it isnt what they choose, its their JOB. Im sure they would happily, willingly, pack up and move to be near eachother to be near their children if it were possible, but its not. So, you dont want to leave your family, and let your daughter grow up knowing her father sounds pretty selfish on your part. You are free to move, and try and find a job anywhere. He cant. Id be more understanding if he was being sent to Iraq and you didnt want to go. But its Texas. Lots of children grow up in Texas and live to tell. If he is sending you money, working hard, and is good to her, then you owe it to your child to let him see her a reasonable ammount of time. (Some men dont bother to pay, or see their kids, and only live a couple miles away.) And what wonderful career will you have him start in Ca? Have you heard about the budget and economy here? And what if that job transfers him? Do you have a job? What if he moved to be near you and your job transfered you? This is a hard time for everyone so be glad he is as good as he is, and treat him with the respect he deserves and do whats right for your child. If you had married him and had this baby, would you just walk away from him because he was sent to Texas? Im not one to usually snap at people or be rude so I will say Im sorry now if this seems harsh, but I just dont understand where you get the idea he can just "quit" the service.

I think it's commendable that your baby's father wants to have a relationship with her and see her more often, and that he pays child support on time, etc. For sure she is too young to go see Daddy by herself though. You would have to go with her, or he would have to come see you. Maybe you can work something out where you travel there or he travels to you on long weekends or holidays. I think it's worth it to encourage the relationship between your daughter and her father, even if your relationship with him isn't that great. Meanwhile, why not try to set up Skype or something similar on your computer so he can see her (and she can see him and hear his voice) a few times per week? Once you have the camera, the rest is free, and would give both of them some contact more frequently. Then when the two of them visit, it won't be such a shock for your daughter - he will seem more familiar. (We have some relatives abroad, and our kids Skype with their cousins all the time - it works great!) Maybe that will resolve the issue without having to go to court?

One thing you must understand: Dads have rights. He is entitled to visitation or shared custody. If or when he seeks legal counsel, he will obtain his rights, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Non-custodial parents also have responsibilities for their kids---if he were not paying child support, he would be forced to, legally.
So, you are getting your legal rights--support payments and at least half custody, for free and without protest, but he is not getting his rights at all... and you are telling him he is selfish. No wonder he is unhappy with the current situation.
If I were him, I would get a lawyer. If I were you, I would try to arrange a trip to Texas, soon, for three purposes: to give my child and her father some time together, to maintain an amicable relationship with my child's father (this is important for all concerned--you don't want him being infuriated with you, causing you both a lot of expensive legal fees, and causing your daughter to have adversarial parents), and finally, to discuss with him how we could work out some future plan for the benefit of all.
The future plan might eventually involve a lawyer to draw up a simple custody arrangement and guarantee of continuing support payments, and it might involve a lot of discussion, and some compromises from both parties.

Well, you've already had a lot of advice, but I will throw in my 2 cents. Honestly, it doesn't seem reasonable for him to leave the military given the state of our economy and it's not exactly simple to leave, not to mention you and he had an agreement that you were going to move out there as well. On the other hand, I can understand you staying where you have support and family.
In my opinion, I think it behooves you to work with him AND legal counsel, preferrably a mediator to help you two work out an agreement that will be legally binding. You are VERY fortunate that he willingly pays child support and wants to be close to his daughter. I only WISH I had your good fortune. Be careful not to hurt the good relations you have for your daughter's sake. Co-parenting is much easier when you two maintain a positive, working relationship.
She may be too young for 2 weeks without you, but she may also do just fine if she has a strong relationship with him and is OK to be without you. Each child is different. A mediator or co-parenting counselor would be able to help you figure out what would be best for her.
Best of luck, my girls' father is in Las Vegas, so I know the challenges you face, but I can also say it can be worked out. At least you have a person who really wants to be involved and do what's best for your daughter, that's a great start!

It looks like you have lots to choose from. I was just wondering if you guys weren't together because your relationship went sour? If it didn't and you are apart only because of the working situation... then maybe you could work on your relationship and live together... Maybe thats not an option I was just shooting it out there.

Good Luck Hun,
C.
Helping Moms Work From Home
www.AtHome4MyGirls.com

Try your best to ask yourself, and focus on, what would be best for your child. What compromises could you make so that she could have the best outcome? For example, could you agree with the father that your daughter could visit but that you would come with her? ... maybe one visitation in his home state and one in yours? You guys may have to use whatever vacation time you have and / or agree to co-fund the visiting parent's trip but that way you would be doing your best to keep 2 parents in your daughter's life.

Good luck.

You know I can see both sides here..I do understand at her young age, she needsd stability and structure and her going of on a long period of time with other parent might not be helpful.

Though having two male family members who have been in similar situations...I do see thier side....I don't think he is choosing is career over your child....As a man...they feel like they need to support thier family to best of thier ability...telling him to quit the military is a big slap in the face.....maybe possibly see if he could transfer out here on his next assignment..

though, he has no clue what it is like to raise a child on your own without any family support.

It may be best to seek some legal advice as well as seek out a therapist to help with what may come with all of this.

And, Texas "ain't" such a bad place...I was born and raised there and is wonderful place.

unfortunately, I really think you are in a hard place right now...somehow the two of you will have to meet in the middle and decide what is best for the child and not for you both.

Being prior military myself I commend you for getting out to raise your daughter but she also needs her father. If he is willing to help you out then maybe you should consider moving closer to him. California doesn't have the most stable economy right now and one of the highest unemployment rates, not to mention the taxes! I would talk to your ex and find out how far he would be willing to help you out if you did move out there. You can always go on-line and check out the area, get some back ground information on the job market, etc. It sounds like he really wants to be a part of his daughters life and there aren't a lot of men out there who'd go to such lengths. Asking him to get out of the military right now isn't fair of you. He's got a great stable "job" with excellent benefits and is paying you child support without and if he makes a career out of it he can retire at an early age. Your family will always be there for you. I think if you decided to move out to Texas and things didn't work out, you'd always have your family to come back to.

I hope it all works out for you and for your daughter.

hi there! i don't think in this economy that your baby's father should quit his job! what kind of father could he be then! unemployed! he needs that good job for his self esteem among other things so i feel that this is an irrational solution to your problem. respect the fact that he has a good job, pays you child support, AND wants to be part of your daughter's life. it's not her fault that you two decided to have a baby together without future plans to include all three of you SO you will need to visit texas every so often and he will have to visit you guys. when she gets older, she can make her own decisions about her relationships with you guys. there are certainly other ways to compromise so that your daughter can have both of you. i hope you can work it out. take care! V.

Talk to a lawyer. You need to know what the laws are so that you can point them out when you get into another fight. Personally, I think that at your daughter's age, her father should be be coming to see her, not the other way around. She is a child, not a piece of luggage to be shipped around for the convenience of her parents.

Just my .02
T.

B., I would think about Aline M's response very carefully. Read it a couple of times and really let it sink in. I believe she has the best intentions for you and your daughter. Don't ask him to choose daughter over job. Men provide for their children, that is a part of his love for her, he does it FOR her better. I would consider moving there if you can find a good place and stable job. If not, you need to figure out a schedule, but he can't expect you to always be the one to come there, and you can't expect him to always come here.

And you have to realize, her spending time with him is inevitable. He may not put her in a clean shirt or feed her exactly as you would, but it doesn't mean he can't do a good job. Be adults, there is no reason to argue, be respectful and considerate of one another at all times.

It will pay off for your daughter's benefit and you'll see there is no reason for it. What a story it would be and encouraging to others to see how you two did NOT use the court system, instead were mature enough to work it out together, because you put aside selfishness. You won't get everything you want, but you can get what she needs.

Good luck.
D.

You should not pressure him to get out of the military as that is means of being able to send you support and he is doinf it willingly. Ypour daughter will resent you later for not making it possible for her to know her father. It seems to me that if you moved to Texas you would have support but if you are already working in Cali stsy here but make vacations there to take your daughter to spend time with her dad. It is not the norm to have a father want this so relish it.

Hi B.-
This is a really tough situation. The thing is, both of you are responsible for that little girl, and while you chose to be non military and do something different, you chose your job and where you wanted to live. You also chose to move far away from him. I am not condemning you for choices that may have been the best for you, but this is what I am observing.
What I understand from military men is that they believe they are fulfilling a duty, and for some of them, this is what keeps their life stable. Your ex may need the military to keep a stable income, a stable life, and good discipline.
For your daughter, you need to allow her father to be with her. Ask him to schedule leave to see her. Maybe the 2 of you can meet in the middle, or do internet calls. The point is to keep a positive relationship with him so that court is unnecessary. Have a serious heart to heart with him. At your daughter's age, just leaving her somewhere, especially when you have been her sole provider and care taker, is not acceptable. It is not 100% his job to come and see her, but a compromise between the 2 of you. A meeting in the middle. whether it be that both you and your daughter visit, or that he visits the 2 of you. I would not even bother trying to get him to leave the military- instead support the income, the discipline, and use it to your advantage.
And B., as far as court goes, I have NEVER seen a child taken away from a mother who has family support, a place to live, and can care for her own. If anything, they will raise his child support and tell him to visit her regularly- which is unfair as far as time goes. Do not keep her from him, but until she is a bit older, the whole travelling thing should be kept to a minimum- you and her to his home or him to your home. ANd alone time is ok- as long as you are only a quick drive away, not a state away.
Do what's best for your daughter- and that means having her spend time with dad- but offer a compromise on visitation so that he understands you WANT him to be in her life. As long as he knows that, compromise should be easier.
I hope this helps and am sorry for such a difficult situation.

All I can think reading this is...How will your daughter feel being away from you for that many days? My daughter is mostly taken care of by me and not her dad and if had her for 2 days I think she'd feel abandoned by me. Now we live together so she see's her dad everyday but if he goes on vacation she's a bit fussy but not really, if I leave for more than a few hours she's totally crabby and won't sleep for more than an hour until I get home. I am sure if you've been the sole provider for her up to this point sending her off even for a weekend she'll have to learn is ok but at this age it may do some psychological damage because she's not used to him recently. Children at 13 months remember things yes but still she'll need you there. I really do think you need to be around for her visits. I think the first time you visit you should be there the first day, maybe 2nd day him alone and you pick her up at night, 3rd day he has her all day, etc...do you follow me? She needs some time to mentally adjust and not be thrown into anything. Ugghh!! This breaks my heart. When my daughter was first born I had issues with her father and considered moving from here (Cali) to be near my family (Texas). This is such a hard decision and I'm really sorry you are all going through this. I'd have a panic attack if I woke up anyday without her. That's just me though...a little attached (OK ALOT!)

Hi B., I know exactly where you're coming from! Reading your story brought back many unpleasant memories from the past, only I was divorced and had custody, my ex had visitation rights,and was also in the military, out of state. And my daughter(2 at the time) and I also moved home with my parents. He was in Nevada, we were in CA.(Bay Area). Even at that age I would not let him have her up there with him,as he was a flake when we were married and I didn't trust him to take care of her alone. Trust your gut feelings, Texas is wayyy too far away anyhow. Eventually when my daughter was older and he'd remarried(lived in S.C.)I allowed him to have her for a long visit. There is plenty of time to develop a relationship later. Good Luck, CJ

It's up to him to come and visit her. You can't send a baby or a toddler away to visit for days, let alone weeks or months. No court would order that. Just tell him that you are happy he wants to spend time with her, and you would be glad to have him see her, and spend time with her, if he wants to come up here for a visit, but you are not moving to Texas, because you need your support system here, and you're not sending her to Texas, because she's way too young. He's just making noise about going to court, because if he does, he won't get anywhere.

I would definitely not send your 13 month old alone. How would that even work, on an airplane? Would you go and drop her off?
In any case, the dad should be able to see his daughter and I feel for you, being in such a difficult situation. I think some other moms may have already suggested that you take turns. That you go and visit for a few weeks and then he comes to visit. Your daughter can visit for extended times when she is older. 13 months is too young! I understand not wanting to move away from family support, because that is also very important. So if you want to work it out and stay in CA in order to keep your support network, you need to work out some way for the father to see his baby. But he should not quit his job. That is a no-brainer. How is he going to pay child support without a job?
I wish you luck in working it out. Try to make sure that things don't get ugly between you and the father and you should be able to work things out.

First of all, I'm sure your daughter is already affect by the situation. Kids often have a sense of what is going on. You really do owe it to her to give Texas a chance especially since it was you who changed the plan at the last minute and decided not to move to Texas. If that truely was the plan your ex it probably feeling heart broken that you didn't follow through. It's hard for a man to give up his job- it's how he provids for his family. ( and in this case he's serving the entire country.) You knew this when you got invovled with him and chose to make a baby anyway. It's not about you and him anymore- it's all about your daughter. Do the right thin for her. Good Luck.

He should come to YOU and HER for visits. He's asking too much and I think the court would be on your side. Don't send her because you'll be setting a precedent that might make his argument more convincing. He needs to come visit his daughter in the state where she lives with her mom, the parent who chose her child over a military career. Good luck! I really feel for you. What a difficult situation. You should stay near your family because you need that support. And if he's in the military, he's going to move around anyway. How is that stable for her?

Dear B.,
I know what a difficult situation this can be. I left my abusive husband when my son was 20 months old.
You definitely have a couple of things going for you: Your ex is employed.
Your ex voluntarily pays child support.
(Mine deliberately quit a career with a 6 figure income to avoid child and spousal support).
With the economy as it is, it would be terribly unwise for him to get out of the military in "hopes" of finding another career...or even a job, for that matter. In my opinion, he's not choosing his job over his daughter. That job is what enables him to be able to help support her, and he even does it willingly. In a perfect world, he would live closer to where it's convenient for you both and make tons of money and it would be easy. Unfortunately, it's not a perfect world. And, if you had any idea how many parents, both men and women, who skip out on their kids as far as helping to provide for them, or are unable to do so because they don't have the means, you might look at that part a little differently.
I agree that 13 months is very young for a child to be going off to a different state without mom for any length of time. But, this is where compromise comes in.
I think you should both have web-cams so that baby and dad can "see" each other for visits on a very regular basis. Then, talk to him and try to re-trace your steps as far as your last conversation. See if there is any way you can work it out for you and your daughter both to go to Texas so she can spend time with him. Or maybe he can come to California. Try to find some way to work it out with him. As much as you're afraid for her to be away from you, even though he's a man, he knows he's missing some new thing she does every day and wants to be a part of her life. That's not a bad thing.
Anyway, I would try to make amends for telling him he's choosing his career over her and tell him you'd like to talk calmly about working it out somehow. Tell him you're worried about the logistics of having her so far away without going through some "baby steps" first.
I know from personal experience that courts do not see it as harmful for a child to go back and forth between parents. In fact, they are more and more in favor of it. So, try to avoid having this decided for you in court because it might become far more complicated than him just wanting her for a couple of weeks here and there.
I know a mom who moved her and the kids to another town after their divorce and the father successfully argued that she did it just to make visitation harder for him. He was awarded shared custody, plus, she had to provide and pay for all transportation for the kids. She didn't have a job and moved to be closer to family, but that's not how the court saw it. You do NOT want to end up in that situation.
There's an old saying, "You catch more flies with honey".
Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you just don't know how it would work. You can't put a 13 month old on a plane alone. Who would watch her while he's at work? Things like that....That's why it might be good for you to be able to go so you can see he has those things planned out and perhaps you'll feel a little more comfortable.
Try to work it out with him and try to stop looking at it as ruining your daughter's childhood or harming her.
Your daughter obviously has two parents who love her and want to be a part of her life. She is actually a very lucky little girl. It's a shame her parents are far apart in distance, but try to come to an understanding for her sake.

I wish you the very best.

I understand you wanting to be in California because your family is here. But, do you have a really good, stable job that is keeping you here? I think it is wrong of you to expect him to give up his career because you chose to leave the area you were both living in to come back to your family! It is not fair that your daughter does not have both parents around her. She did not choose this for herself, you chose it.
I don't know if you have really listened to the news or read the newspaper but our country is in horrible recession and people are losing their jobs and/or homes on a daily basis! HE HAS A JOB and you expect him to leave so he can move to where you chose to go......that is not fair!
You really need to think about what you are asking of him. It sounds as though you are being quite selfish.
I am a stay-at-home mom to a very busy 3 year old son and 2 year old daughter. My husband's job has relocated him temporarily to Southern California which is 6+ hours from where we live. He has been gone for 5 months and never once did I tell him I expect him to quit his job to be back here with his family!!! He is supporting our family by working and you go where the work it.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh but you need to think about what you are asking/expecting of him and what you are willing to do for all of you.
Good luck!

Hi, it would be smart for him to stay in the military right now when so many people are out of work. It is a guaranteed job, when so many are laid off right now. Also the benefits for your daughter through the military are good. I was married to a Marine for 9 years. He can take a military HOP flight to come and see her, since you were in I'm sure you know that he can take leave, and earns 2.5 days a month. Have him take a HOP flight to come and see her when he takes leave or has a 96 hour weekend.
When she is older, she can take the HOP flights to see him, since she is his dependent, as long as she has a military id card.

hey B....

you are wrong when you ask him to give up his job in my opinion, because you yourself chose to move her away from her father for job reasons yourself, among other things, something that had you chose to hash out legally the courts may have chosen that the two of you remain in the same state...that he is paying child support, and this money comes from his military position in texas should you chose to move away or into another state the court could rule in favor of true joint custody in that your precious baby girl would be legally bound to spend half her time in texas with daddy...very rarely can this happen but is can. it is very possible that the military would grant daddy a post reassignment because of his duty to his daughter, perhaps more likely if you sought assistance from the family courts by the two of you filing for joint custody and he is willing to relocate and that you are unable to. the military may accommodate the court opinion of relocation. if not then tell him she's all his the next time he can make it out, or you allow her a few weeks with her daddy in which case you fly her out there and check into a motel near his residence and find something in texas you've always wanted to see and make a mini vacay out of it. not feasible for either checkbook, consider it is cheaper than the legal proceedings that may follow should you deny daddy and he gets angry angry enough to cause you pain and spiteful enough to do so. try to do your best to support his efforts to continue providing monetary support by supporting his career ambitions, and your best to support his efforts in becoming a hands-on father, as difficult as it may be to turn over physical custody of her for even a week or two, having a father who loves and cares for her, who is "there" for her in every essence of the word from this day forward will only prove to be the very best for your beautiful girl, providing his home is a safe secure loving nurturing home, which i can assume it will be since his intentions and ability never found their way into you question for concern. do your daughter yourself and he father a favor and give her the second parent all children deserve to have in their lives. it may be the best that you can do right now is to move to texas so that she can be with her father as well as her mother, maybe for only a year or two, and depending on his next assignment who knows where you future will take you...but remember the two of you chose to have this baby and chose to do so with one another so whatever baby needs should be of utmost importance to the two of you with every decision you make. knowing that texas has an unemployment rate much smaller than that of california, may make your move and job relocation more feasible than say his move and job relocation here to california, don't consider this giving in to him, or sacrificing for him, consider it a loving though difficult choice any good parent will see through to ensure the best possible life for their child. sacrifice for our children is like air for a fire; necessary should we hope to give them the best possible circumstances and the most potential for growth, both allowing them the longest, strongest, brightest life they can possibly lead. needless to say always sacrifice with a smile, even when holding back tears. she'll thank you for it.
all my best
aline

Well there are a lot of factors here you don't mention.
A. What would you do in Texas? Do you have a portable career?
B. Is he career military?
C. Is Texas home for him?
D. What arrangements do you have for visitation?

If he is career military there is nothing saying he will STAY in Texas! You know that. So for you to pick up and move your child to Texas, just to move again in 4 years to follow him somewhere else...is that something that is in the best interest of his/your child? If Texas is home for him and he plans to settle there after he gets out then that is a whole other story. What would you do? I can tell you that it is much cheaper to live there (lived in Dallas for 4 years). I hope you like HOT, dry and southern values. If you are going to move to be near him for your daughters sake, be willing to STAY there for the next 17 years.

Just because you were never married does not mean you both have rights as a parent. As the father he should have the rights to standard visitation of a parent 100 miles from his child. (If you go to court he will probably get it so you might as well know what it is before you spend all that money on a lawyer) That usually entails switching Thanksgiving year to year, half of Christmas with the other parent, alternating Spring break, half the summer with each parent and he will be entitled to one weekend a month (if he can afford, which I doubt). Now, because of the age of your daughter that might be different, you need to consult a lawyer. Most lawyers will talk to you for an hour without charge (believe me, they make it up afterwards if they take you on) so go with a list of questions.
This is where being a parent and being a ex is very VERY hard. Your daughter didn't ask to be in this situation and she deserves both her parents (especially since you said he IS a good dad). He has the legal right to see her, and her him. Take a deep breath, write it all down and discuss it with him. If you two can't work it out then go talk to a lawyer.

I would suggest this;
Tell dad that you have a stable environment for the child where you are, as long as he is in the military. As long as he is in there is a chance he could be re-assigned or sent overseas and you are not willing to up-root his/your daughter just to have that happen. AFTER his 4 years are up he is going to have to decide what he is going to do, get out or settle down. Be willing to help him find a job in California OR discuss where he is going to settle so that he can help YOU find a job and you and your daughter move to be near him. In the mean time discuss with him how he would like to do visitation (he will probably be advised with what I said above). Work out some way of him seeing her. Be willing to let him talk to her on a webcam (better than a phone at this age) several times a week (3 is a standard). Be willing to post pictures somewhere so that he has up to date pictures of her.
Believe me dear, this can become "the war of the roses", we have been in custody battles for 7 years! If you are willing to come out of the gate with reasonable expectations and offers then you are LESS likely to end up in court and if you do, then it looks much better to the judge if you can show that you have made an effort to work things out. The judge will not care about "he said, she said", the judge will be acting for what is in the best interest of the child and it may not be what YOU consider the best so do your best to work things out now.
In the long run...your daughter will thank you, and that is THE most important thing to come out of all this. Good luck and if there is any other way I can help you please feel free to send me a note.

In this economy, I don't blame him for not wanting to leave the military. I do think 1 is a little young to go visit by herself. Maybe the two of you can work out a deal where the adults take turns visiting. I know this is harder since you both have jobs, but for a few more years that may be the way it needs to be done. You take your daughter for a week long visit, then in 3- 6 months he spends time in CA visiting.

Can you work out a plan where you could travel to Texas and be there with her for a week or two and let him see her that way, and then the next time he'd come to visit her where you live? I haven't gone through this type of thing myself, but have observed other people's difficulties with child custody issues. I am afraid that if he forces the issue by taking it into court, you might have to agree to send her to him as he's requesting... And I do agree with you that at her age that's not the best idea. I believe I'd be trying to do anything I could, even if it's not the most convenient or cost effective, to satisfy his need to be with his daughter (and to be fair, she deserves to have a relationship with her father too) rather than to have the courts decide something that is not at all acceptable.

Hi B.,

Ok, here's my 2 cents.....

I agree that your daughter is too young to be way from you for so long and so far away. I think he would see that given the first 48 hours of being alone with her and unable to fulfill her every need :o)

I also agree that asking him to "give up his job" is unreasonable. He is working, proud, and trying to have a great life for himself and his daughter. Please don't step in the way of that, support it. I think by bringing this up with him is the reason why things have gotten so difficult, and the reason that "court" has been mentioned by him. He thinks you're not respecting him, so he wants to fight for respect.

It sounds like things have been pretty civil between the 2 of you for awhile, until recently. I would try to "get that back"......tell him that you are sorry for even thinking about him quiting the Military, you were simply feeling desperate for a way for him to be with his daughter.

I think you and he should consider going with your daughter to see him. Perhaps he would help pay for you flying out every other month, or something.

If you lower your womanly "protective guard" for a bit, you can work through this. For him to willingly pay child support without being court mandated is A BLESSING and a true show of his love for you and your daughter. It is certainly not something that other mothers receive.

Get him on the phone, tell him what a great man and father he is, and that you admire him for trying to "do the right thing". Also tell him that you want your daughter to see him, but you don't think she would feel as secure alone with him until she's older, so you should be there, too. Ask, if he would be OK with that? Tell him you want to avoid Court, and you are certain that you 2 can work this out.

B., remember, he is so far away, and feels helpless and left out of someone's life that he loves very much. If you cannot bring her to see him, then he takes that as "you are keeping her away from him".....men are "black and white" that way.

Well,..I hope something I've said can help you make some sort of a decision on what is best for you guys.

~N. :O)

I agree that she is a bit young to be away from you for weeks at a time. I think you guys need to come up with some sort of arangement until she gets older for him to be able to see her. You, however, should not try to make him give up his career because you think it would be better for your daughter. That's his choice to be in the military. Maybe you could suggest that he come to see her when he's on leave until she reaches a suitable age to go to him for several weeks. You may want to go to court, not to fight each other, but to get some helpful ideas on how to deal with the visitation situation.

Sounds like a really tough situation.

You made the best choice for you and your little one. Being near family is so important, especially when you are a single mom. Seeing how difficult it is to have and raise a child with a supportive involved partner, I have often thought about how hard things would be on my own.

Your baby's father does have some rights. And keeping him involved is better in the long run. Having a positive relationship with her father is important for all kinds of reasons.

It sounds like the issue for you right now is your daughter's age. At 13 mos she really is too young to be away from mama for weeks. But in the future?

For now, tell him that you want her to have a real relationship with him. If you don't already know about it, skype could really help. It is free video calls over the Internet. Set a time for him to see and talk to your daughter every couple of days. Tell him you know it isn't the same as actually holding her, but at least he won't be a stranger.

Tell him that you are open to making visitation arrangements once she is older. And who knows what may change in the next couple of years. He could get out of the military or maybe you will both be grateful that he has a job. You don't have to decide the next 17 years right now.

Before you talk to him, think about at what age you would be comfortable with her spending a couple of weeks away. You've got to give him some hope. Besides, my divorced girlfriend, mother to a 9 yr old, loves getting a week to herself - sleeping in, not worrying about picking up, cooking...

Try to avoid criticizing him about his life, even if he makes bad choices. It won't change his choices and will make him very angry. Since you are not together any more, you don't have a say. Just like he doesn't have a say in your life.

You have to work together for her. It isn't a choice, so figure out what ground rules you need to do it.

I think he is being very selfish and your daughter is too young. At this moment she mainly needs her mother. Yous can consult a lawyer but i think he would loose in court. Good luck and go with your instincts!

Just because the job isn't staying in the same state you are does not mean he should give it up. You are being self centered. Your daughter needs to go see her daddy, or she will regret it later and so will you. Remember the economy is bad right now, and trying to find a job can take months. Ask yourself this, do you want to have to not receive support payments while he looks for another job? Remember it could be a while before he could find something. The military could be his career,
was that ever discussed? Lots of parents don't live in the same state as thier kids do, and they go to visit every summer,or when it is convenient. At least he wants to be in her life, my dad never did, it was all about him, and when he moved out of state he wouldn't even call us to tell us he was gone. If he truly is the great dad you say he is, then what is the real problem with going to visit daddy?
WendiM.

I am a single mom currently separated from my sons father. Unlike your situation, my son's dad is only 10 minutes away. Now if I were in your shoes...I would NOT want my child to go out of state to see the childs dad without me present.

Instead of up rooting yourself and your daugther with the possibilities of having to relocate again, stay where your at. Your daughter needs stability. Who cares who has a job. Being a mom is a job. Now asking your daughters dad to quit his job is a bit selfish. As that is his source of income, which PAYS you your daughters child support. That is HIS choice, not yours.

Here is my suggestions....

Outside of court try to come to a mutual agreement where on a monthly basis (if both parents can afford these expenses equally), set up a travel plan where your daughter and you fly to texas for an x amount of days. He either accommodates you or you stay some where feesable in a local hotel near your daughters father. This gives you the peace of mind you are with your daughter, your daughter gets to have her relationship with her father and her father gets to see his daughter.

Every 2 months you switch. He flys out here to California, stays an x amount of time. etc..etc..you get the idea. This way its fair to all involved. Plus it gives you and your daughter a chance to travel. Heck make a mini family trip out of each visit and set a new destination to somewhere else where you all can go as a family. Again, if all parties involved can afford it.

If your daughters dad isn't open to this suggestion, as you as the mother are trying to make it work and be fair to all involved, tell him that he needs to make the effort and come see HIS daughter. You should not be put out because he is deciding to be a dad all of a sudden. You as a mom made the choice to not move to have your support and be a better mother for your daughter. You made A LOT of changes in your life, what changes has her dad made?

In my situation its my sons father to make the effort to see his son. NOT MINE! He knows where we are, he knows my schedule, he knows what I do on a daily basis. He can be a father and make the decision and choices to see his son. Yet he doesn't because he doesn't want to bother me and give me my space. Ok great, but he chooses this route and looses time with his son. Yet he wants a second chance at being a father? THEN MAKE THE EFFORT!!!! Follow me???

You have your daughter full time. You care for your daughter as a single parent (yes by choice), you provide her the roof over her head, the food on the table, the clothes on her back, the love, attention, education and support she needs. You are her mother f/t. Sometimes parents must make hard choices to either be or not be with their family/child. You can not control his actions nor his choices. If he wishes to be apart of his daughters life, then he should make the choices to make it happen and not disrupt your daughters life and the stability of her current situation.

If both parents are civil with one another, why can't he fly to california and you accomodate him for a certain amount of time so he can be with his daughter?

Dear B.:

this is indeed a hard one, but your thinking seems reasonable to me.

I was just wondering if you know about Skype. It is a free way to communicate and see as well as hear the person you are talking with over the Skype phone which works over your computer (no actual phone). It seems as though a good way to keep in touch over the miles would be for you to have calls (at an agreed upon time) between your husband and your daughter. She could see and hear him in real time while he is on the computer screen and not forget him and he would have the joy of knowing she is there and as she learns to talk and smile at his picture etc.

My son is temporarily living in Japan so our family signed up for this free service and got a webcam (if your computer does not have one built in) and I enjoy communicating with both this son and my daughter who lived in New York and has now moved to Canada. My great grandchildren were only 17 months, one and a half and 2 and a half when their grandpa whom they adore moved so far from California, but he talks with them several times a week and it is free and they keep in touch and love having him on the computer screen.

this might help tide things over til he can come for some visits. It is a thought!

good luck working this out but be sure to stay close to your and your daughter's support system.

Blessings..N.

Dear B.,

What would be bad for your child would be to have two parents that are unemployed and on welfare. Your child’s father is right, if you can’t come to a fair visitation schedule, the two of you will end up in court.

Your former boyfriend is not only employed, he is serving our country. I won’t go so far to say you are being selfish, but your attitude seems a bit immature and short sighted. If you are feeling guilty, you must reassess the whole situation.

What are you doing now to sustain yourself and your child? Are you living with you family? If your former boyfriend would get a place for you and the baby in Texas, maybe on base, and help you with expenses, would you be more willing to move.

When ever possible and especially when both parents want to be evolved, it’s BEST FOR THE CHILD, to have both parents.

Seems like he’s thinking of your child first, and you are thinking of yourself first.

If you are not willing/able to relocate permanently, I would recommend you arrange to go with your baby for a visit with her father.

Lastly, giving up his job would be foolish.

Blessings…….

It doesn't sound like you have been to family court to determine custody and child support. You need to get this all legally taken care of. If you send her to TX, which I wouldn't do, he can just keep her and then you'll be fighting for custody. My daughter's father got out of the military and left when I was pregnant and hasn't been involved. Even if he wanted to, I would never have sent my baby to TX for an extended visit. Go with her but don't leave her there. Especially without a custody order.