Seeking Advise - Elma,WA

I don't know how you feel about it, but if you can't work, you can go to DSHS and sign up for temporary disability. I am sure the amount you get will be nowhere near what you bring home at your full time job, but it will help. As far as the trouble with the babys dad goes, I don't know how that would work. You may not need a paternity test to get support from him. That would be another thing to check with DSHS.

I can also relate to the depression issues you are having. Depression runs very heavily on my mom's side of the family, and when I am pregnant, it just seems to intensify. I give myself little pep talks all the time, they help me. (I know, sounds weird, but it works).

Heeeey:
my name is J. and I am a single mom of one daughter whos 6 mos...I sort of know how u feel. Her dad was my boyfriend of 3 yrs when I got pg he was not happy. He wanted me to get an abortion and I said no and through out the whole PG he was weird and rude and did not wanna be a dad....well we were living in his parents house and after I had her, did NOT HELP AT ALL AND 1 WEEK AFTER I HAD HER MY c-section opened back up...:had to see a nurse for over 3 mos and get it packed which sucked totally!!! (I had to finally move out and now I have filed for support cuz it got so bad....he wont help take care of her and hardly sees her...it will get better. hope this helps. there are nice guys out there!!!
J.

You may want to see help from the Welfare department until you can get back on your feet or investigate you possibilities of receiving some unemployment or something like that until you are able to get back to work. As far as the father, well men are really good about things until a child is involved. Then they may be the only man you have ever been with but they say the baby is not theirs for whatever reason there is. I would suggest to you as soon as your baby is born you make sure you put his name on the birth certificate and have a test done so he can help raise your baby. I have lost my mom and my dad and had to raise my kids by myself because the fathers in both cases left immediate after the birth so I do know what it feels like. It stinks terribly. But I do know this, I am a stronger happier woman without a man and may have to be that way for lots of years! My kids are the ones that I am more interested in. The men if you want them to help they need to be involved in the child's life so that is something to take in to consideration as well! Good Luck with it all hon and everything will turn out ok!

D

I just wanted to address the preeclampsia in that you need to get off you feet if you are having vision probs and the swelling is getting worse there are programs that will make sure that you will be finacially ok and I would contact a lawyer about what you can get out of the babies father now. but preeclampsia and toximia are very serios conditions my aunt almost died and delivered at five mo and the baby end up with cerebral poulsy(sp?) because she was unable to stay off her feet.(she had an abusive husband)so please take care of yourself and let the state help you finacially.

First of all I would say you should see if you qualify for state medical and possibly some of the other services they offer like WIC. Especially if the father is not willing to take responsibility. At least you'll get help feeding your kids. Do you have friends, family, a church maybe that can help you take care of the kids you have now and help after the baby is born? I would really seek help from all of those sources. If you don't know of a church or don't feel comfortable asking one, send me a message and I will give you a list of churches who should be happy to help. I know the church I go to has started a support group for single moms and they have a fund to help people in your situation. I'm sure there are lots of churches doing the same thing. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you would like a list of groups who can help. All of us have times in our life when we need others to help us. You have a lot you're are trying to deal with on your own. I will be praying for you.

I know you can get some assistance from the local food bank and from churches for food.
Some churches will also help you with some of your bills. You may have to talk to the pastor of the church, but it may be worth it. You can also go to more then one church. Don't limit yourself to just one.

Im so sorry to hear about your mother first of all and sorry to hear that you are doing this by yourself. I have been there. When i was pregnant with my fourth my husband left me. I almost lost my baby at 6 weeks, but she is doing great now she just turned 5 on the 4th. I also know where you are coming from about the preaclamsia i had that also with my fifth child. But i didnt know until i went in at 35 weeks with what i thought was contractions adn found out. I dont remember anything about my sons birth i had so much magnisium in my body i was out of it. It is hard i cure the men that give it to us women lol.. i hate to say it but you can go to dhsh and get some help just till you get on your feet again. but go directly to support inforcments once your daughteris born and get that *** to pay you child support! I have been there and it is hard to get them to be there and be responsable but i think got my finally came around, and even though i have found someone else that i have been withfor 4 yrs now my ex husband and i get along really well for our 4 kids we have together! If you have any further question feel free to write me. A l ittle about me i am 26 with 5 kids divorced and found a man that makes me and my kids very happy!! Ask me if you want to know more..

____@____.com

J., I'm responding to the physical part of your delemma. I have been depressed all of my life but I have never had to deal with all that you are dealing with. I have taken several different anti-depressants but I suspect that you can't take any because you are depressed. So I can only imagine how you are feeling. What I imagine is that you are very depressed. I would be.

I would like to tell you about my daughter's experience. Her boyfriend also left her when she was pregnant but came back in a couple of months. But he left again when their daughter was 10 months old. We live in Oregon. She and her boyfriend received public assistance because neither one was working. There were some requirements for him but not for her since she was pregnant. They also qualified for "affordable housing" which means they moved into a new 2 br apartment with rent at $310 or so.

When he left she enrolled in a course to become a medical assistant and she continued to receive assistance. Since her boyfriend's name was on the birth certificate the state filed for child support. She only had to sign papers. Having the state file for child support is a great help. Otherwise she would have had to file papers and go to court herself.

My granddaughter is now 6 yo and he has not paid any child support. My daughter continued to receive assistance for awhile after she went to work as a MA. There are certain requirements but I won't outline them here since you live in WN and they may be different. I definitely think that you should contact the state and see if they can help you. I'm almost 100% sure that they can.

My daughter was also depressed and she received mental health counseling for free at a county clinic. I also found a clinic that was operated by a college that charged on a sliding scale.

Her sister, who has 4 children and a husband also received public assistance in the state of Wasington. Her husband worked but they qualified for food stamps abd health care.

Another friend of my daughter's, a man is now paying child support, but he stalled about taking the paternity test for several months. The mother received state aid even tho paternity hadn't been established.

My daughter now has a good job and is able to take care of her children as a single mother. She did marry and had another child but is now divorced. She struggles but she is succeeding.

My message is that everything seems impossible now but there is help out there. The fact that you cannot prove paternity is not an issue. I think my daughter was fortunate in that she had help from me and another agency that helped young people get on their feet. She was only 19 when she got pregnant and had no job skills. I would wish for you someone who could make calls to find the resources for you. If you don't have someone just start with the Department of Human Resources and don't give up if at first you talk with someone who is not helpful. The system can be difficult. I think that the way my daughter started was to call for an appointment. She didn't try to find out if she qualified or not on the phone. Face to face seems to work best.

I empathize with your situation. I also know that you can make it. My daughter has had a lot of difficulties her entire life but she is doing well now. I am pulling for you.
M.

Your in a very difficult situation. Do you have long or short term disability at your job? If not, I would go to the State and explain your situation if you are unable to work. They can also help you with the paternity testing.

Hi J.! I know EXACTLY where you are at!!! I was in the same position with my 3rd child...my husband had left me when I was 4 months pregnant, I ended up delivering 3 weeks early due to pre-eclampsia, and I only had 2 weeks of vacation built up at work & my boss was being awful!!! But you know what, I put my faith in God and things worked out-I'll tell you what...you just can't worry about things, because it just makes things worse. During the time I was off, my house was foreclosed on & I totalled my car! If nothing else, you will become a MUCH stronger person! Make sure you go down first thing...right after you are out of the hospital & apply for assistance since you'll be on maternity leave. If you have ANY disability insurance (on your vehicle or credit cards) call the 1st day you are off work and get ANY paperwork started to see if you can get your payments made. Call around to any businesses you owe money to (ie doctor offices) and tell them your circumstances because they will work with you on payments! Also, file for child support, paternity test, etc, whatever you need to do, the 2nd the baby is born! Remember that you don't OWE him anything...just keep your kids in mind that they are your FIRST priority!!! If you have a church, go to them for help too because they might be able to help you with food & clothing for your kids & the new baby!
Just try not to stress out too much! Things will work out...they always do!

Hi J., sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I lost my mom as well. its really hard I know.Does your job not offer you maternity leave with the benefits? if your not sure check with them. if they don't maybe try public assistance to see if they can help. is the baby's father name on the birth certificate? if so go file child support you don't have to wait until the baby is born.can your father or siblings help until you get back on your feet? if nothing else reach out to some churches for help just call around and explain your situation. and don't get discuriouge. there is someone who can help.but work on it now before the baby is due.I hope I had something to help you. I wish you all the luck.and congradulations on your little one.

My heart goes out to you....You should check with your company about FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). If you have a doctor's note, your company has to give you a certian amount of time off, paid or unpaid I'm not sure. That will depend on how much time off you have. You should be able to get short-term disability through the state though(your work can tell you also). It's usually at least 6 weeks of paid leave.
This website might help: http://www.dol.gov/esa/whd/fmla/

Good luck~