Seeking Advise for a Depressed Husband

You said that he has been diagnosed, but you didn't say if he is receiving treatment. Depression does indeed make you lose interest in just about everything. If he says he doesn't care about you and the children, that seems pretty serious to me. He needs medical care -- talk therapy and possibly medication as well.

I would recommend that you learn as much as you can about depression so that you can better understand what he is going through. It is very difficult on you to deal with his behavior, but you can be more sympathetic if you understand what it is like for him. And once he is receiving treatment, you can be hopeful that things will improve. Good luck.

It sounds like he may need counseling and treatment. If he is left untreated, it can worsen and may take longer to control. Seek out a psychiatrist and get treatment as soon as possible.

Fish oil, flax oil and walnut oil all give us omega 3s, which help prevent depression. Excercising, even walking a few days a week (maybe you can ask him to go for a family walk) will help fight the depression also. Those things and prayer have worked for the people I know who have felt depressed and hey, they are all natural and will not hurt him!

K. Loidolt
Author, Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living

Hi, I understand that it is very difficult to live with someone with depression.
I have depression sometimes, other times I'm manic. I have Bipolar.
Anyway, If he's been diagnossed then he should be on some kind of medication. If he isn't on anything, he needs to ask the doctor about it. Medication is very important. Also, if you can, he needs therapy. Oh, and meds take anywhere from three to six weeks to really work. Be patient. Be helpful and don't push him or get on his case about caring about you. That will just make him feel worse. He does love you. But his brain chemicals are all messed up and he needs your support. Good Luck and try to remember, he's not doing this on purpose.

Just after I got married, my husband noticed I was constantly depressed. After a couple of weeks of talking to me about it I was finally convinced to go see a therapist/psych. The first visit was the worst most stressful experience I have ever had because "I didn't have depression...normal people don't have depression" and I didn't want to admit it. But after another visit or two I began to feel the relief of letting things out rather than bottling them up inside. I started medication and I continued to see the doc and after about a year and a half I started feeling like myself again. It has been four years since I stopped medication and stopped seeing the doctor and although, for the most part, I am happy I still struggle with seasonal depression but I am open and able to talk about it and deal with it. My recommendation is to find a therapist/psych for him to talk to. Let him know that depression happens to normal people and that when he's reaady, he can talk to you openly about it knowing that you will JUST LISTEN and NOT TRY TO FIX IT. My husband tried that and it just made things worse. Just listen and support him.

Hi S.,
I've struggled with depression for the majority of my life, and the one thing I can tell with absolute certainty is that nothing will change, unless your husband wants it to change. The other thing I know for sure, is that him sitting around, waiting for it to get better, will only exacerbate his symptoms.

Don't get me wrong... Depression is an incredibly debilitating disease. It is a thief that robs it's victim of their joy, their energy, their will to DO ANYTHING. It is insidious.

He needs to be in a treatment program. But he's got to want to get better more than anything else.

I was in and out of severe depression for years and years. I finally got to the point where I decided I was going to get well, or die trying. It took a lot of time, and a TREMENDOUS amount of love and patience from my husband. To this day, I don't know how he stayed with me. He's told me that strength from God is what got it through it. I had two very young children when I finally hit my bottom, and he HAD to take over their primary care. I tried as hard as I could to stay connected with my kids, but my treatment HAD to be my priority. It LITERALLY became my full-time job. I was VERY depressed, suicidal, had an eating disorder, anxiety, etc etc.

I feel like we need a little more information, to determine where you all are at in the process of this depression. Is your husband in treatment? Is he suicidal? Is he taking an anti-depressant? Are there issues from the past that need to be dealt with, or is it simply a chemical imbalance? For me, it was actually both. Unfortunately, traumatic life events can cause our body chemistry to change, and the right medication can make all the difference.

I guess the bottom line is that you may have to exercise some tough love, to get him moving towards a solution, if he's unwilling to do so on his own. Some men's egos can get in the way of their seeking treatment. They won't admit they need help, because they don't want to appear weak. What people fail to realize is, that it takes incredible strength and courage to seek help.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. BUT, it was also one of the best victories I've ever experienced, when I finally beat it. I still have depression... I imagine I always will, but IT DOESN'T HAVE ME!

Please contact me directly, if you'd like to talk more about this. I have a lot of knowledge and experience that I'd be pleased to pass along.

Best Wishes,
M.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's really scary and also depressing for you.I've been there--he hit rock bottom, went to a therapist and then a psychiatrist and is now on medication, which has helped tremendously. Your husband needs professional help with this. Wishing you the best.

He needs professional counseling and prescribed medication. There's nothing YOU can do for him. You should join a support group. I'm sorry to hear your family is going through this.

I feel for where you husband is. I have been dealing with depression for years. I feel guilty that I don't feel like I "care" but I know that I do. If he had just been diagonsed with some other life threatening illness I don't think either of you would be surprised that he sleeps a lot or is having a hard time finding interest in the things he normally did. One of the best things my doctor told me was "if you were told your heart could funtion normally with one pill a day would you take it? or would you let yourself deteriorate and die?" I take my meds. I've had lots of people try to tell me that if I would just turn it over to God, or if I would just go out and exercise more I wouldn't be depressed. They are referring to sadness. And I am thankful they don't know what depression feels like. It isn't something you can not understand unless you have dealt with it personally. When I got PPD severely and was struggling to want to be alive several people told me "it's hard being a mom" like that has anything to do with my depression! if I had cancer they wouldn't say "it's hard being a mom" in that tone. It is a REAL physical ailment. and it makes me angry when I hear someone saying get more sunshine or exercise. Those things can help you feel better about life if you can feel. The meds help me get to the point where those things can then take effect. I know it is hard being married to someone struggling with depression, I feel for what my husband has to go through, he is so great though-- he never makes me feel like I have a problem outside of a medical issue I am dealing with. To help us both out I rate my days on a scale of 1-10. On a good day I might have a 7 or 8. Most days I sit around a 4 or 5 right now and really hard days are a 2 or 3. I tell my husband today is a 4. He knows what to expect from me--and we both know where my limits are. I have things I work to accomplish every day around the house etc. and they change the depth of what I do based on how I am feeling each day. The good news? I'm having more days at 5 and 6 and even some around 7 and 8 lately and less and less sitting around a 2 or 3. I'm getting better, I know it is because I am listening to my doctor and taking my meds each day, and taking them at the same time in the morning makes a huge difference for me as well, just beeing off a couple of hours makes my day 2 days later lower. Face it like the illness it is, give him encouragement and support. I know it is hard for you--and it is hard for him but you can have this be something that can strengthen your marriage. It has ours since we have addressed it in this way. It might be helpful for you to see a counselor to talk to about it as well and to have someone you can express your frustrations to without hurting your dh. and to get ideas of how best to be supportive of him as he deals with his illness.

Make an doctor's appointment for him so he can get a referral to a therapist and a prescription for antidepressants. Depression is not something to mess around with, and thankfully there are many effective treatments these days. The book _Feeling Good_ describes cognitive behavioral therapy, which is surprisingly simply but can make an enormous difference.

Hi S.,

Many times depression is caused simply by our bodies being a little off balance. Years ago, I was diagnosed w/ depression and bipolar disorder (I was so depressed that I was feeling suicidal on a regular basis). I really didn't want to go on meds, and I was then introduced to Body Balance. This stuff is truly amazing... it's a liquid nutritional made from 9 sea veggies and aloe. The reason I'm in the business I'm in is because of the results I had w/ depression & fatigue and this product. I started taking the product and w/in a month my symptoms were gone. I've been on the products for over 5 years now and have not experienced depression since ( I also haven't had to go on antibiotics for anything in 5 years). Anyway, you can try Body Balance risk-free... the company offers a 45-day money-back guarantee. I'm in Broomfield as well, so I'd be happy to chat w/ you or meet w/ you and give you a free sample and more info.

Also, you might want to check out this 12-minute video about Body Balance: http://video.yahoo.com/watch/1162234

You can also check out the products here: http://www.LifeForceSuccess.com and please let me know if you have any questions.

Best of luck to you!

A.

Hi S.,
Get him in to a counselor. It is amazing how different life can be when your mental health is in check. Also read books on the subject. The more informed you are, the better you will know how to handle things.
Good luck.
L. P.

Hi, I also work out of the home, have 4 children and a depressed husband. Our situation may be different from yours. My husband took a stressful job in Iowa and lived in a hotel for 3 months before becoming so stressed that we knew it wouldn't work. After talking to him one night, just before Christmas, I begged him to go to the hospital. He did. No heart attack, just anxiety. They said for him to get to his regular doctor as soon as possible. He came home and we went to the doctor on 12-26. He started on meds immediately and is much better. It was a hard thing for my husband to think that he is depressed. Depression involves the whole gammit of not feeling well, from major PMS (PMDD) to anxiety, major stress, ect. It is all under one umbrella, depression. Our doctor told us that at any given time 25% of the population is on medication for depression. It is amazing the number of people that have come out of the woodwork and said that they are meds also. I would encourage your husband to go on meds if he is not already on them. If he has been diagnosed with depression, then for him to accept that and start treating it is the first step. The next step is having him talk with someone. Our church offers a Stephen Ministers program that my husband is involved with. He is set up with another man who has gone through training to help with different issues. If you are a member of a faith community you should check and see if they offer any assistance or can direct you to someone. You need to help support him. You are the strong one now. I hope this helps.

Dear S.,

I can understand your situation. I am a clinical therapist. I hope that your husband has already been seen by a psychiatrist. If not, I would get him in to see someone. He will need a complete physical to rule out any physical problems such as low thyroid. He needs to get out and walk or some other form of exercise. Sounds like he probably needs to be on some medication to help stabilize his moods and alleviate his depressive symptoms. Depression is a physical illness and nothing to be ashamed of.

I had fairly severe depression about 10 years ago and couldn't function. Now I have general anxiety (basically the same thing - just a different reaction) that leaves me in a lot of pain.

Therapy helped me a lot. Just knowing that someone with experience in this was there to listen and guide me through it I think was the most useful part. I never really had any issues to discuss either time, but I always found something to talk about. In general I'm anti drug, but they really do make a difference. First time I was on them I responded immediately and extremely well. This time I've had a hard time getting on them (makes the symptoms worse for a few weeks), and they don't appear to be as effective. He may have to try a number of them to find one that works and doesn't have side effects on libido, but support him through it - it's definitely worth it. Buspirone is a drug that my psych says doesn't help many people, but it was the only one that worked for me. Also, as he starts to feel better, he'll forget to take the meds, so be sure he stays on them daily (which reminds me...I forgot mine today!). I should add that the recent research says that only about 50% of the people respond to drug treatment, but for those 50%, it's a wonder! My psychologist also recommended high doses of fish oil (omega-3 is the key), but I haven't tried that.

Some books he recommended were "anxiety for dummies", esp. if your hubby isn't motivated to read a lot, and a book on congnitive therapy. My recommendation for congitive therapy is a workbook by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning. Their workbooks are very easy to use, get you to focus quickly on the chapters that will help the most, and are good for people with little motivation. I liked it much better than the dummies book. You might want to take on a much larger, more inclusive book yourself. It's called the Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns. It's supposed to be the "bible" for depressed and anxious people. It has a lot of info on medications, but the author is a strong advocate of cognitive therapy (changing the way you think) rather than meds. It will help you to understand what your husband is going through. The latter 2 I found at our library.

One thing I got out of the CT is that a person often doesn't even notice their thinking patterns and how distorted they can be. A negative image leading to anxiety or depression can be just a brief picture your mind that flashes in your brain in reaction to something. It takes a while to find the culprits. I won't go in to details, but my point is that even if you can't identify an issue that's making you depressed (which was my situation - it seemed to be more organic in nature), CT can be very helpful.

He definitely needs to find help through one of these avenues. Depression is compounding - the more depressed you are, the more depressed you get. You want to change your situation, but you just can't because of the illness and its effects on you. He's not likely to get out of it on his own. Depression causes you to not care about anything, to have no energy or motivation to do anything, and to be totally unfocused. I've been there!

I know it's hard to motivate a guy to seek treatment for this.
Do your kids understand what he's going through? Maybe they can write him get well cards and tell him that they want their old dad back?? Somehow you have to get through to him how much this means to your family. Look in the phone book for a counselor that deals with men's issues. I know there is one in Fort Collins, and one in Greeley that I can recommend (my boss went to him). If he won't go to a psychiatrist, try your GP or internist for drug therapy. I've had mixed results with them. Some were very little help, one was all the help in the world. Maybe you could try giving him some alternative medicines - search the internet, explore the Omega 3 or the nutrition supplement someone recommended. He may be more likely to take them if he thinks they're nutritional supplements rather than drugs for depression.

I'm sure this is extremely difficult for you, and I know what happens to families when treatment isn't sought. He's not doing this on purpose. Be strong and do what you can to get him help - for the sake of your entire family!

My husband of 4 years finally admitted that he was ready to get help for his depression - which has been an issue throughout our whole marriage - and for many years before that. We were in the same situation of sleep and ignoring the children. I asked him to play with our 2 year old one night and he actually said 'NO, I DON'T WANT TO!' I finally told him that I was obviously not the one capable of fixing him, and that he needed a professional. He was put on an anti-depressant and started counseling. I went for the first appointment just to help him get there and be supportive, but I explained to the counselor that while I think we both need to have some counseling together, these appointments are for my husband. After making sure my husband was comfortable with the counselor, I left him for the last part of the session. The rest of the week went sooo much better. He had his second appt. yesterday - al by himself - which is HUGE for him to do that. You can't make him go to the doctor, but you can lovingly recommend it and offer your support throughout the process once HE is willing to go.

take him out and have fun. like to the zoo, park, places you know he likes

I suffer from depression myself -- doing really well now, but have struggled with it all my life. I finally sought out medical help a few years ago and got the help that I needed. As far as seeking medical help, which I do recommend, I highly suggest NOT going to your family physician. Most family physicians are not qualified to diagnose or prescribe antidepressants or any other mind-altering medication. They just don't know enough about the drugs to correctly treat someone with serious depression. I recommend seeking help from a good psychiatrist. Even if you think it is just a minor depression, it is worth it to get a very professional opinion from someone who deals with it every day in serious detail.

Also, the most important thing to do is to seek counseling -- for both of you. It would be very helpful for him to be able to talk some things out with a good counselor. Counselors are much like doctors. You want to make sure you find the right one -- don't be afraid to try a couple different ones.

I know it must be difficult to try to balance the kids with all of this, but you guys have to figure out a way to do it. Maybe there is someone the kids can stay with when you two need to take care of "business." The bad thing about depression is if this is truly a clinical depression (where body chemicals are involved), and if he doesn't treat it now, if it happens again, it will be worse the second time around. They get progressively worse. Maybe the two of you can go on a "date" where you have some quiet time to talk about things. Try to find out if there is something in you guys' lifestyle that is triggering this -- and then CHANGE it no matter what it takes. You don't want this to continue.

I hope some of this has helped. Depression is complete hell and it breaks my heart to hear of anyone else who is going through it. I would like to help as many people as I can. I know how painful it is. The most important thing is that you seek help immediately. I will keep you in my prayers.

He may need B vitamins. I would start there - go to Whole Foods and get a good whole food B mix in addition to B12 drops. Epa's and Omega-3 are important too. I get Crill from Mercola.com. In fact there is a lot of really good information at his web site.
The two practices in Colorado Springs that I would recommend are: Dr.Karen Bates for allergy elimination (allergies can cause all kinds of symptoms; she also treats for emotional stuff; and Wild Rice Nutrition - ask for Beverly - she will test for what is right your husband.

One other thing: You will get recommendations for drugs. Just know that depression is not a result of a lack of medications - so it should be used only as a last resort. Depression symptoms are just like any other symptoms that are alerting you to something not right with your body, either physically or emotionally. Masking the symptoms with drugs may do more harm than good.
The two therapists that I recomended will help you get to the root of the problem.

Usually with a diagnosis of depression, the doctor (or whoever it is) has suggestions concerning what to do about it. What was said when he was diagnosed? Also, fish oil is a natural anti-depressant when taking more than the normal dosage. I'm not saying to try this without seeking out help, but it's something you could ask about. Also, excercise releases natural endorphines...excercise along with a healthy diet can do wonders for depression, although it may not be the overall 'cure'.

I have had Major Depression for 31 years now. While your husband does need treatment, there is no way you can force him to get the treatment he needs if he doesn't want it. You can ask or suggest that he see a therapist and a psychiatrist for meds; meds can be very useful at "getting over the hump" when one is really severely depressed. For me, I'm on antidepressants for life, but that doesn't mean everyone is. A lot of people just need the medications to get out of the deep hole they are in and then can go back to a normal life.

If you talk him into medications, he'll "forget" to take them. If you send him to therapy, he won't have anything to say. Until he is ready to take an active part in his recovery, there is not a whole lot you can do for him. Ultimatums might work, but there is no guarantee -- and you have to be ready to follow through on an ultimatum, so do use such a thing with extreme care. Another possibility is marriage counseling, which would at least get him in to see some sort of counselor, but it would only address the issue in a glancing fashion.

For you, on the other hand, I would suggest therapy to help you deal with his illness. You'll get an expert on depression and other mental health issues who can give you tools to deal with him and to deal with your reactions to him. A good therapist can help you find the right tools to cope while he (hopefully) gets himself together. S/he can also help you from doing things that seem helpful that might actually make the situation worse. And most of all, you can make the decision to go into therapy for yourself and get what help is available to you while you wait for him to be ready to do the same. It might even be a good example.

Hi S.,
I have some family members who have dealt with depression in the past and I know it is not easy. Something that has helped them and many others is actually Omegas. Sounds strange but a large part of your brain is made up of essential fatty acids and if we have a reduced amount, this can cause unbalance. They are a natural way to help support your body, not saying some people don't need medical support but this might be a good alternative for your husband. I hope you find something that works, all the best.

Hi S.,
He definitely needs professional help. Not that medication sovles everything but they can help a lot until he figures out what is causing the depression. He should be under a pshychiatrist care while on medication, getting on and off of depression medications if a very scary time and people that use them start feeling better and stop taking them on their own. Don't let this happen as getting on and off of them will sometimes allow people to do things they normally wouldn't. They should always be under a Dr.s regular care and observation during this time. There are so many things to help people with depression and so much more understanding of it than there used to be. It does not have the stigma it used to have as it is so frequently a chemical imbalance just like any other part of the body may have.
Good luck,
SarahMM
Good luck,

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, I've been there and it's no fun. Is he seeing a counselor? If he is - are they the right counselor for him? If you can you should be in counseling too, this can be difficult to deal with and having someone to talk to can be a big help. Is he on anti-depressants? Those are a mixed bag, when my spouse was on them he said it felt like was an observer rather than a participant in life. The side effects can include suicidal thoughts, which makes the cure seem as bad as the illness. Talk with the kids and explain what is going on, they will cope better if they understand that it isn't them or you. Has he had a complete physical? With blood work? If not get him in and make sure the Dr knows what has been going on, a hormone imbalance could be a factor or some other health issue.
Remember this is his problem, be supportive but don't get sucked in. Stay active, exersize, watch your diet, get out with freinds, keep yourself and the kids involved and productive or you will end up overwhelmed and depressed too.

I'm so sorry. I had a relationship end over his refusal to deal properly with his depression. In that case, the specific form of depression he had was organic, not situational or a reaction to life events. Because it was organic in origin, the only "fix" for it was a combination of therapy and medication. He took himself off the medication and my bright, fun, thoughtful guy lost interest in all things that had brought him pleasure - including me - and obsessed instead on worries about his ability to perform daily activities like work. He became obsessed about not having enough money, though as a district supervisor for a national investment company, he made well over six figures. This led him to stiff waiters out of tips (that embarassed me) and to complain if, while we were at a restaraunt, I ordered iced tea instead of water to drink.

I can see that between your own work and having four active kids, time is at a premium. But I recommend you do some Internet research on depression. (Make sure you only visit reputable and trustworthy sites, because there's a lot of misinformation out there.) In addition, if he is seeing a therapist, can you go along on one of his appointments to talk about your own concerns?

Has a prescription been recommended? If so, please be sure he takes it. Prescriptions aren't always necessary, but certainly they are necessary in some cases and should be taken to avoid the painful ramifications for everyone in the depressed person's family.

It may sound crazy but have you thought about chiropractic? Spinal misalignment could be part of the problem. This is one of the biggest things my chiropractor treats. Check out his website.
www.SpineGeek.com

He is located up North about 104th and I25. If this is to far for you to go you can call and they can refer you to a chiropractor closer to you who does the same kind of treatment. ###-###-#### Hope this helps! God Bless!!

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Depression is hard. I have struggled with it throughout the years. My dad is struggling with it so much right now he is on disability because he can't even go to work . It is hard on the whole family, especially my mom because she has to deal with it every day. He struggles with it when I was younger and it made my childhood awful and I hated my dad. even now he has a hard time being around my kids and it makes me sad. He has even tried to take his life. your husband needs to get somekind of professional help as soon as possible. The longer he waits, the harder it gets. The difficult thing is, if he doesn't want the help or doesn't want to get better, nothing you or any doctor can do will help him. You need to find a good doctor and counselor and keep loving him and let him know you care. It is difficult to want to do when you are depressed, but activity and exercise can help a ton too. Get educated on the illness. This can also help you to find ways to help him and to understand what he is going through. just don't let him treat you badly either. It is so hard and I wish you the best of luck.

My husband had the same problem about 2 years ago. We went to marriage counseling and it was diagnosed there. He went on prozac immediately. He loves it. Says it makes the stressful things just not important anymore. He's a changed person. He's on extrememly low doses now, but wants to stay on it. I would reccomend talking about drugs with your doctor. A family proctise doctor can prescribe them. Find one that works, because it can change his life completely.

Hi S.,

Wow, I can totally understand where you are coming from. My husband just went through the same thing. We've been married for 10 yrs and it's been off and on, but very serious the last 3 years!! It's been really hard. Plus, I have suffered with the same disease for most of my life, too. But, not to such a severe degree as my husband. First of all, I wish it was called Serotonin level disfunction. Depression is the result of the illness just like diabetes is an insulin disfunction. Here is my advice:

FOR YOU
1)Get as much information as you can. Learn!!
2) Develop a support group. There are tons of free groups for people with loved ones with mental illness. What worked best for me was just having a friend that listened and didn't judge me or my husband. I can tell her everything I'm feeling. It helped so much just to get it out. (She just happened to be my husband's sister)!
3)Realize that this is an illness and not just a bad mood. Be patient! It takes time. But, continue with your life. Sometimes, I've had to take my kids on vacation by myself. It's not easy, but if I don't keep living I won't be able to help anybody.

FOR HIM
1)I always tell people that ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM is half the battle. The other half is GETTING HELP! I mean professional help.
2)The BEST results come from medicine and cognitive behavioral therapy. If he is on a medicine and it doesn't seem to be helping try a different one or change the dose. Your doctor can give you ideas on that. IF your DR isn't helping get a new DR. There are plenty of DR's out there with experience on depression. I recently watched a PBS special on this very issue. They said they have "mapped" the brain before therapy and after therapy and have found that the brain changes after therapy. IT CHANGES! That's incredible.
3) Pray for help. I don't know if you are religious, but praying really helped me get through some very hard times.

Well, I hope that helps. Also, one good book is called "The Feeling Good Handbook", by David Burns. I worked through this book when I was going through counseling. Oh, and one more thing. Medicine and therapy help, but you will always have days when it's just plain hard to get out of bed. The trick is to get on with life the next day. If it's several days and you can't function- your methods aren't working.

Hi S........I'm sure you know that your husband needs to find a professional to help him with some form of therapy and/or medication to support his depression. The other part is you and your children need to have a voice in what's happening around you. Dad not being involved....husband who's not emotionally available. All of this can be completely stressful & scary. I will donate a session to you if you're interested. Sometimes just having an outlet for your own balance can really help. I have NO hidden agenda, just want to give some support. Best to you, J. Sexton www.tag-youre-it.com ###-###-####

My cousins wife is also depressed and has even tried suicide. She was a SAHM, but when she was sent to the hospital after swallowing a ton of pills, the doctor ordered her to get at least a part time job. Does your husband work from home as well or does he leave home to go to work? If he is at home, maybe he needs to get out of the house to work. Maybe he doesn't like his job. Sometimes just a change could be the ticket. I hope this gets worked out. I know how stressful it must be for you. Good luck!