Seeking Advise in Dealing with Mother-in-law

Hia H.~I am married to the most wonderful man in the world. I dont know where I got him from, because his family is not like him at all. They are the type of people that would rather not see you, but every month or so, then to even talk to you on the phone. My family on the other hand is here almst everyday"At least one of them". I am very close to me mother and brother. My dad is a quiet person, but he still comes over. I have learned in the 8 years that I have been with my husband just to ignore the games. I have learned that she will never except that I am married to her son. She loves me, dont get me wrong, but I know that she somehow thinks"I Stole Him from her". I know that saounds weird, but he was her baby. Good Luck.Dont let them bring you down.

hi H., my name is T. and i have two beautiful girls -12and14, my situation sort of the same i dont have a great relationship with my parents matter of fact i dont bother and i could care less if they do ,my ex hsband family is the one who is completely involved so i feel as long as you have some kind of extended family involvement as long as its healthy thats all that matters.

T.

Hi H., my situation is very much like yours. We have been married almost 4 years with a 20 month old daughter. My husband's family is WAY different than mine. He sees his family once in a while--every few (or more) months. I see my family several times a week. The way I look at it is everyone has there own lives, personalities and communication issues. I do not take away his family's right to see our daughter. It is important for both parties (my daughter and his parents) to be involved when it is possible. I enjoy the closeness with my family as does my husband. I do feel sorry for him because he does not have that relationship with his family, but I think my family makes up for it. Try not to get upset, I am sure his family loves your daughter immensely even though they are not there all time to show it. B.

Wow could I tell you some stories about mother in laws. We don't speak to my husband mother, after all the nasty things she has done to us. I, on the other hand, have a very close italian family.

Question for you...is ur mother in law a decent person , just not around very much, or is she nasty like a few I"ve heard about? It's true, some grandparents who live close by, decide they have raised their kids and it's now their turn to enjoy life. This doesn't necessarily mean she is not a good grandparent, they just live by different standards. How does your husband feel about his family? If it wasnt' very great growing up, he probably doesnt' want to bring his own kids into that enviroment either. Be thankful for the close relationship you have with your family and cherish that, but try not to resent your husband for not wanting to stay close to unhappy memories.

I hope this helped out.

When I was married to my last husband, I had some of the same issues. My mother-in-law lived about 10 minutes away, and we hardly ever saw her, except for holidays and MAYBE birthdays (they weren't guaranteed, and neither was Thanksgiving). My Mother never participates either, and I don't speak with my Father.

You just live with it. I didn't have this type of dynamic when I was young. My grandparents didn't do these things to my parents. I was always got to see them, and holidays were great.

You can't force a family to be the way you want it. It isn't you husbands fault. You can't change people; you can only change yourself. This isn't worth straining the marriage over. Just go on your visit. Your children will figure it out on their own. They won't need your help, so be careful what you say in their presence. I have FIVE children. None of them are interested in seeing Nana and Grandpa anymore. They don't. I am not married to their Father, which might make it easier for us, but it isn't something I recommend to you.

Good luck. Please just remember, people have their own reasons why they are the way they are. Just be yourself, and yes, you must continue to be the better person. Your integrity and credibility depend on it.

Maybe trying to communicate with your mother-in-law by getting to know her interests, etc. Give her a telephone call, but don't nag her about not being close or not seeing her granddaughter.

My husband's family was very close and he had a great relationship with his parents. I was fortunate in that I had wonderful in-laws that loved me as their own child. However, I had disagreements with them at times.

No one likes to be reminded of their shortcomings or inadequacies. If you reach out to your mother in law and get to know her, maybe she will come around and try to be more a part of her granddaughter's life.

Dear H.,
I envy you your supportive family. My parents both died years before my children were born and my husband's "dad" walked out on them when he was thirteen. His mom is very loving but she suffers from mental illness so that's a whole other story... Anyway, I know it's hard to be the "bigger" person but it really is the right thing to do. Please try to talk things out with your husband so that you don't hold resentment and keep things inside. The best gift you can give your daughter is the example of a husband and wife who love each other and treat each other well. Good luck!
A. K.

You sound just like me...my in laws have seen my daughter who is 2 1/2 a little more than 10-15 times i think...they dont come see her we live like not even 5 minutes away...they dont buy her things unless its a holiday...they dont know what she likes what she eats...they get amazed when she speaks on how smart she is...now i work so does my fiance....we work opposite shifts at different jobs just so we dont have to worry about who watches my daughter...my mom and dad both watch my daughter like all the time...now the inlaws dont even say hey i ll watch her while you do this...no they have only watched her 4 times since she has been born...my mom on the other hand almost everyday and weekend watches her...she buys her something EVERY time she goes out the door...now how could you not go out and buy her not even a book...and the sad part is this is their first grandchild...i used to say hey dont you think we should go visit your mom....i stopped that real quick....i dont even care ne more honestly i would rather not take her there...its sad i know but you got to do what you got to do... for you and her. okay i think i am done i think i wrote more than you....soooo...do not feel guilty you have tried if they want to see her they gotta come to her not you take her to them.

Plese don't resent your husband for his terrible parents. He can't help who raised him. Plus you most likley did not marry him thinking "oh, these people will make great grandparents". As far as the holidays go, go to their house, collect your gifts and forget about them until next year. I know it sounds greedy but if they don't care enough to spend time with you guys why should you care about how things appear to them.
I am wondering if you care about them at all because you want your child to have 4 grandparents. We all want what is best for our child but it is clear they are toxic. Enjoy your nice tight knit family it will be enough for your little girl to have the memories of happy times rather than the fretting that goes on before seeing mil.
I went through something like this with my ex husband. He had an awful childhood, of course he didn't see it that way. I refused to have a relationship with either of is parents. I was an adult when we mat and that was my choice. When I got pregnant I tried to mend the fence with his mom. It worked until I left him. My son was 5 months old and I never heard from her again after I moved away. I wish I could have taken back the time I spent worring about her and what she thought about me. She still sends my son a gift at christmas which we keep.
Anyway, get together with your husband and find out how he wants to move forward with the relationship. Don't force him to face all his issues with his parents, it won't work out the way you want, it never does. Good luck on trying to figure it out.
Cia

Hello H.,
Do you really want your daughter around these people anyway? If it was a difficult childhood for your husband, that says something about them. I see my inlaws about 4 times a year. They don't seem to know how to interact with children, they just buy my daughter gifts. Way too many gifts, more than Santa Claus! I too have to endure the holiday time with them and it is painful. My husband hates it too, but we still go. We go so that my daughter will know her grandparents and cousins. We have laid down the law that we will not come on Christmas Day or "the day of" any important holiday. We spend those with my family, the ones that we see all the time.
We just told them that we want to be home on those days and not have to rush around on a holiday.
It gets frustrating, but the older my daughter gets, (she is 9) the nmore glad I am that we hardly see them. Sounds terrible, but it's true. They just don't embrace the same values we do. Good luck!

You need to deal with the resentment you have towards your mother-in-law because it's only after this can you truly expect your daughter to have a relationship with your mother-in-law. I truly wish that I could spend more time with my mother-in-law and that's impossible because she lives in new hampshire. I did at one time hold resentment towards my mother-in-law because of something she told me, but I've dealt with it and in time she asked me to forgive her.

Dear H.;

I can relate to your situation. My husband has a very strained relationship with his parents also and I do not have anything to do with his stepfather. However; I also grew up in that situation, my mother hates my Dad's mom and my grandma hates my mother. Niether woman bothered hiding it from us and my mother almost never went to my grams house with us. It created an incredible amount of tension for myself and my siblings. We always felt guilty talking to mom about grandma and when grandma made snide remarks about mom in front of us it was all we could do to keep from bursting into tears or defending our mother. Take it from me, your in-laws are you daughter's blood. Wether you like it or not. Keeping her from them will only hurt your daughter and possibly your relationship with her some day. Take her to your in-laws or invite them over at least half as often as she sees your family. As she gets older she will be able to see who made the effort and who didn't and she will thank you for at least giving her the chance to have a relationship with them. Finally, I know its hard but try not to hold your husband responsible for his parents bad behavior. Chances are he knows how ridiculous they are but they are his mom and Dad. I doubt his not liking your family would stop you from having a relationship with them. And just think how you might feel one day if your daughter kept your grandchild away from you because her spouse didn't get along with you. This is only my humble opinion from some experience and trust me, I still lunge the phone in my husband's direction when the caller ID has his mother's name. Still, its wonderful to see how much she loves my son. God forbid something were to happen to my husband and myself I would want my son to have a relationship with his grandmother so she could keep my husband's memory alive in a way no one else could. Hope this helps.

WOW! That sounds like me. My mother-n-law has not seen my daughters since Easter. She also lives very close. My 4 & 2 year olds has no idea who she is. It's like she is a total stranger. I've been married for 6 years and from the very beginng my in-laws and I have not gotten along. I get fusterated with my husband because he will not say anything to his mother when he sees her treating her other two grandchildren differently. She treats them better and sees them more often. Even though one lives in Florida and we all live in PA.
I too have given up and I don't care if she every gets to know my daughters. I no longer go on holidays. I figure if she can't see them any other time of the year, she does'nt need to see them on holidays.
This bothered my very much. I would be sooo stressed over it, but I learned to let it go. I figure it is her loss. They will not be little forever!
Lots of Luck! I know how you feel!!

Hi H.,
I'm having the same problem. In my case its my father who has only seen our 2 yr old a handful of times. Please try to remember that it is probably more upsetting and stressful for your husband. As angry as you may be, they are still your husbands parents and he must have some love for them.
Good luck,
M.

Hi H.,

I am in the same situation. My daughter just turned 4 and she has seen her father's parents once or twice a year since birth. Unfortuantely, my in laws are divorced and my husband is absolutely accustomed to neither of them being involved is his life. I then come from a family that is involved with all of our lives, including my aunts and cousins even.

The only advice I can give you is to grin and bear it. It is very difficult to do, however it is not worth fighting with hubby about it. Eventually your daughter will be old enough to make the decision that she doesn't want to spend the time with your in laws. My daughter has already begun saying no to spend time with them vs. my parents.

I hope this helps and I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better, but easier once you realize this the way it is.

This sounds a little like my in-laws, except they are well meaning. They get over here once in a while, they only do it when its convienient. I know my mother-in-laws 3 sisters and 4 brothers better then I do here. I started out being offended by her not making an effort to come and see the kids more often.

Last Superbowl we let her watch our 2 year old (she wasn't quite 2 at the time). When we picked Aaralyn up, her diaper was on backwards. I then realized she didn't know the fist thing about taking care of kids. She made it through her own, but she isn't even comfortable holding our 4 month old. It doesn't come naturally to her at all.

I decided to just let it go. I'm not going to go out of my way, but they are more then welcome to come and visit. They live about 10 min away as well. I just decided to not worry about it when they aren't around. I have a close relationship with my family, and it is really hard to get used to one that isn't. (this means my husband also doesn't understand why I want to see my sisters when ever I can and why I want to call them)

Good luck!

H.,

I dealt with a similar situation with my husband's family...and then my own family later on after my father passed away. My husband and I had a great deal of frustration over it and a lot of hurt feelings. But what we've found is that our son (2 yr old Quintin) should know his grandparents, regardless of our feelings about how often they make time to see him. I think you may find that it's better to take what you can get...and it's not worth it to get on their case about it, because you don't want them to see him more just because you asked them to. The strained relationship your husband has with his parents has quite naturally rolled over to effect your daughter. You can't expect his parents to be more attached to their granddaughter than they are their own son. You always hope that a child will bring a family even closer together, but it doesn't always happen that way. But above all this, don't hold resentment against your husband for the way his family is. Just focus on the family you have together and welcome others into it whenever they're willing....as long as they are not BAD for your daughter. I give this advice not just as a mother, but as a counselor as well. Good luck! Keep being the bigger person....at least you can look at yourself in the mirror and have done what YOU can do.

Hi H., I have been in a situation like this but mine was a bit more crazy. My mother in law couldn't stay out of my life and we hated each other. I too held resentment against my husband and totally understand those feelings and why you have them.
I hate to say this but it's more your problem than anyone else's. I didn't realize this until the divorce papers were filed. After marriage counceling and a lot of growing up on my part my marriage was saved, thankfully!
My first piece of advice is not to resent your husband. You knew how is parents were when you married him. You can't blame him for the actions of another and you can't blame him for loving his imperfect family.
The second thing you have to do is talk to your husband and decide if you want your children to know them. If he does and you don't then he can take them to her house, you don't have to go. If you both don't then don't take her over, she will not grow up with any problems because she didn't know her grandparents. If you decide you want her to know them then you have to be the better person and suck it up for your child's sake.
It's been nine years since I went through all of this and my marriage is better than it ever was and my mother in law lives next door to me now. I still really don't care for her but she is dying and needs someone to care for her. Out of love for my husband, I grit my teeth and smile and we care for her together. I made the choice I wanted my children to know her so again I grin and bare it for their sakes.
The most important thing to remember is that when you are the better person it's not for her sake it's for the sake of your husband and your children. I was greatly rewarded for being the better person, I have a wonderful man who loves me and shows it to me everyday and I have two children who are got to know their paternal grandparents.

I am blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law, but know she has had issues with her other daughter-in-law. My mother-in-law will often avoid going to their house because she feels like she needs to 'make an appointment' and the other daughter-in-law often leaves as soon as she gets there or won't come with her husband for visits. All I can say is to tell her you'd like her to be closer to your child, let her know she's welcome (with a call in advance) anytime, and accompany your husband to visit. Beyond this, you may have to accept she is not the loving person your mom is and move on.

H.-I've been dealing with this for 15 years my daughter is 13 and my son is 9 my mother-in-law also lives 10 min.away and my mother lives 20 min away-I never ask her for anything because she's rejected everything I've ever asked her.After my sister-in-law had her first child 5 years ago.She said she was ready now to be a grandmother but she isn't their for her kids either.Don't take it out on your husband it really isn't his fault.If he's anything like mine he's just as upset about it.Look they are missing out on years that are irreplaceable you cant go back in time and make that up.My kids know who care and who are their for them and who would never miss their firsts of anything.And so will yours.Some day they will need you and you will never forget the hurt they put you through and your child.I'm sorry if my advise dosen't help and I really hope things will change for your daughter's sake but don't expect it to.So when theirs a time when your parents and his parents are together and your daughter runs across the room and hugs and kisses your parents just smile and dont feel bad at all because they could have had that same greeting from your child "If they would have gotton to know her."Hope things get better.C.

H... I am in a similar situation. Only my fiance still speaks to his mother. Well to me it sounds like his parent's don't even make the effort to see your daughter. And if that's the case then leave things how they are. If they only live 10 minutes away and don't bother to stop by and see her or even ask to take her out for the day after 2 years they are not going to suddenly change. Besides... if your husband grew up in such an unloving environment it may be best to keep her away from that type of situation. You don't want her growing up thinking grandmom and grandpop don't love me. Or asking questions like why don't they ever want to see me. It will give her a complex and may even make her feel there is something wrong with her. You want your daughter to grow up in a loving environment knowing she is loved and cared for. If his parents aren't willing it's THEIR fault NOT YOURS!! It sounds like you have tried everything you possibly could to try and make things different. Understand that there are many people in her life that love her and care for her and she will not know the difference weather she knows them or not. You have to do what's best for your daughter's well being... bottom line.