Seeking Discipline Advice for Toddler Son

Hi! See if you can get the book: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (123 Magic) by Thomas W. Phelan.
It's a great help.

Hey M.,

Welcome to age 4. If overall he's a great kid, what are you looking for? Perfection? I don't know any kid that doesn't get upset when he or she can't have something he or she wants. I wouldn't make too much of it-just tell him you understand that he wants what he wants, but he can't always have what he wants and don't feed in to his disappointment by having a power play. Move on to the next aisle and talk about something else. Every kid is going to talk back every now and again, and thank goodness they do, because when you grow up, you have to assert your needs. What role do you want to play with your boy? Authoritarian? Supportive, but firm, mom? When my 4 year old talks back, I tell her I don't appreciate the way she's talking to me, that she doesn't need to talk that way to me and we can work it out by speaking nicely to one another. That usually calms her down so we can talk about whatever she's sprung about. You can't expect that your child is going to agree with you about every decision you make for him, and if you can allow him to express how he feels, he'll be healthier for it in the long run. That doesn't mean you have to give in. It just means that you have to communicate with your son, not to him. The fake crying-annoying, I know, my girl does it, too. Ignore it or walk away from it. Don't put any energy into confronting that at all. He'll outgrow it when he realizes it doesn't get him what he wants.

Take care,

A.

You didn't say what your respone is when he acts this way, but he must be getting some kind of payoff when he does it. Dr. Phil says kids do what works. So....when he behaves this way, take a priviliges he loves away from him (video games, TV, special toys, make him go to bed early, etc) and make him earn it back by acting the way he should. Make sure you tell him what you expect from him in regard to behavior. He's 4, so he's definitely old enough to understand consequences!But whatever you do, don't give in to his behavior! If he screams at Walmart because he wants a toy, tell him no and discipline him when you get home! Don't give in to shut him up. That's the most common mistake parents make. Say no and mean it! Good luck.

Ummm - he sounds normal. I get it that these things are annoying and all, and of course you need to respond appropriately, but really - these are normal things, and getting too hard core in the discipline department will only make things worse. Kids need to be able to express their feelings - if he talks back, he's probably mad about something. That does not mean it's OK to talk back, but it certainly isn't personal. I think we parents sometimes focus on "making something stop" without first taking the time to understand the problem. Healthy outlets for anger will go a long way to reducing the need for back talk, or whatever. And it always sucks to be disappointed about not getting the new toy or whatever. You can calmly say - "I see you are upset and disappointed about not getting that toy that you wanted." and just leave it that. I think kids want to be heard and understood, and when they have that support, they are much more able to deal with the ups and downs of life. A great book is "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk". Good luck!

V.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic classes. Here are the list of classes the local Love and Logic instructor is teaching: http://www.keriparentcoach.com/447486.html Tell her T. sent you. You can also call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful).

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart.It sounds like maybe you could ease up on trying to control his behavior and just let him suffer the natural consequences, or maybe more empathy on your part is needed. Try to see where he is coming from and remember being a child or even being an adult and being denied what you want. It doesn't mean bad behavior is acceptable, but feeling frustrated is. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.
button-style link

M., Try not to take him to a store with toys as much as possible for awhile and if you do tell him beforehand, that he make look at the toys, but you are not buying today. I started this at a young age, and my children do not expect toys to be bought and they are 5 & 7 years old.

For talking back, first you need to educate him what talking back is. So , when he does it, just say, that is talking back and we don't do that. Do that for a few days and then give him a warning after you remind him. Tell him if he talks back that he will have to go to the time out area to think about it. He of course will test you and talk back, so tell him again that that is talking back and he is going to time out for 4 minutes. Set a timer walk away and ignore him. Unless, he tries to walk away,then keep putting him back there. When 4 minutes is up, ask him if he knows why he is in time out (he may need coaxing) and then give him a hug and say "Let's use kind words". For this age, always give a warning first and educate him how to say it a different way before you put him in time out. The key is to be consistent (both parents) and if you are out of the house, you can either remove him from the situation or tell him there will be a time out when you get home. Try to ignore the "fake cries". Also, try to limit how you say "no". The more you redirect and offer him something else and not say, no, the less tantrums you will have.

Hi M.,

Sounds like you have an awesome son! I have a 2.5 year old little girl who is full of attitude, humor, sarcasim and personality! I don't want to squash her spirit, but I also don't want her to be rude. I use the naughty chair. It works wonders. If she does somehting I find unacceptable, I warn her, if she does it again I put her in the naughty chair for two minutes. I even sit her down in the store, restaurant, park, where ever. From what I have noticed, it has really helped her keep her attitude in check. Once she is warned, she usually stops.

S.

I love the book "No Cry Discipline Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. Her philosophy is that discipline is about teaching and learning and it makes a lot of sense. I can't tell you how it works on a 4-yr-old though, cuz we haven't gotten there yet :)

How wise you are to work on these issues now. While the behavior may be outgrown, the attitude will not go away on its own. How many of us know adults who have their own tantrums when things don't go their way?
It looks as if you have plenty of reading options from feedback so far, but the best advise I have is also from a book I wish I could recap and do it justice or that it is a quick fix. But, On Becoming Childwise by Bucknam and Ezzo has some great help on the things we can do to be proactive in our approach to parenting rather than reactive.
It sounds like you are a great mom! May you find great delight in your son.

Hi M.:

I think many of us can relate to your situation. I have 2 boys - 5-1/2 and 3-1/2. If you look up the word discipline in the dictionary it says, "instruction and exercise designed to train to proper conduct or action". One of our many jobs as Moms is to teach our children the proper behavior - including respecting you as his Mom. I did attend a class called "Positive Discipline" (there is also a book you can buy on Amazon) and it teaches you how to discipline your child in a positive, loving way and with respect. Hang in there :-)

Hi M.,
My son will be turning four in October, and he's doing this very thing. I sit him in time out and tell him he cannot come out until he stops crying. I will restrict him from playing with his favorite toy, or watching cartoons if he gives me attitude or talks back. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. But I keep consistant with these punishments. My niece lives here with her dog, and he just loves playing with him. If he acts up, then he can't play with the dog. He straightens up quick. But when he is stubborn, then he gets time out for three-four minutes, and if he's crying when his time is up, he has to still sit there until he stops. Then I talk to him and reiterate why he is in timeout. I give him a hug, kiss, and I tell him that I love him. Then he's pretty good for the biggest part of the day.
I think this is a trying stage for any and all parents and I think, from what I have heard, is that every child goes through this. They just want to test their limits, and see how you will react to their behavior. Keep consistant and don't give in. That is the best thing you can do. And of course the hardest...I know. :-) Take care...