Seeking Divorce and 5 Months Pregnant

Denice,

As I have responded before and in agreement with the prior response, get a good lawyer. I was shocked by how much it was going to cost. Fact; it cost me about 10 times in things and money I lost than what it would have cost me in the beginning. It has made it drawn out and took much longer. Also do not "bifercate" if you don't know what this means don't worry but if it comes up don't do it. (it basically means that they can move on and remarry without having to deal with the financial aspects of the divorce.)

Get a lawyer fast. Try Legal Aid or a referral from the local county bar association that specializes in divorce and minor children. I bet you can find one that is reasonable about fees. Good luck and do not delay in finding a lawyer. You are going to need advice about custody, child support, and a whole bunch of stuff you haven't even thought of yet.

My sympathies, Denise. Keep in close touch with good girlfriends and helpful family members. Get legal advice about custody, child support and how you should handle property as soon as possible. Begin a custody journal. Keep ONLY entries related to custody in it. These include when dad sees your child, what happens when he does, what friends are present when dad is with your child and what they observe about dad your child. Make regular entries daily or weekly. If you ever have to litigate custody, this journal will be a help to your memory and possibly used in court. Remember that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

You might want to set apptmet with Divorce Resource
Deanie kramer her wLA and Encino ###-###-####
Is affordable family law services. Instead of going thru atty and cost $ she can do what they do.

Also: I am insurance agent. When ones goes thru a div
usually the medical will soon be dropped from his group plan or individual plan he has for the family. Maybe not the kids, but you...If that is the case call me. And I will
assist you when needed if that happens. altho I am sure cause you are preg. the Medical plan will stay enforce til the delivery of the baby.
Deborah Alpert ###-###-#### ____@____.com
I can also provide coverage for children.
You do have insurance now, right?

I went through this and I can tell you 3 very important things.
#1 get an aggresive lawyer, do NOT get one who is on an ethics commity of any sort. Because when they are on an ethics commity they do not really work for you, they just take your money and follow the state recomendations for costody cases.
The state recomendations are basic rules that say each parent is going to have a say in everything that could possibly affect their children. That means you would not be allowed to move out of the state without your ex's permission. You would have to list him as an emergency contact in all state run daycare facilities.
#2 when the baby is born you do not have to put the fathers name on the birth certificate. This keeps your soon to be EX from claiming the baby. The nurse or city worker may tell you differently but they are both trained that all blanks must be filled. My lawyer was in the room when I filled out the birth certificate paperwork and she made absolutley sure that they did not fill in that particular blank either. There is one big drawback to this action though: you can not make a child support claim against anyone unless they are listed on the birth certificate as the father. Now, I do not know what your situation is but in my case it was worth every penny.
#3 Know exactly what you want when you go to court, if the judge sees a woman that seems torn between giving the ex 2 days every other week for visitation or every other month, the judge will go for whatever the ex asks for.
Good luck
H. Stanley

Wow, I thought I was the only one that was left by my husband at 5 months pregnant. I did go through this dreadful process. My son is now 7 months old and we are troopin along. His father was at the birth and visited on a daily basis when he was born. Now he sees him about twice a week. I spoke with my lawyer regarding custody as soon as I found out that he wanted a divorce. I found out that in the first 12 months of life the mother has full custody unless she wants different. After 12 months if you are still breastfeeding then the courts will still grant you full custody. I am still breastfeeding, but my ex and I agreed that the baby would not sleep over with him until he was 14 months and even then if he is not ready to stay overnight with him then we will wait. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, I would not wish this for anyone. Make sure you stay calm and do not stress. Take care of yourself and good luck with everything. Let me know if you have anymore questions.

I don't know the details of your situation. I married my husband 3 years ago who was divorced and they have 2 children. If there is anything you can do to save the marriage and go through a time of separation, I truly believe this would be the best option especially for your children.

Keep a daily log or journal and document any discussion or things that happen. Also, try to maintain a calm demeanor and be the bigger person. Don't make a big deal out of something with intentions only to make a situation turn in to something much worse. If you can avoid reacting and can remain calm your soon to be ex want have any fuel for his fire. Divorce is never easy and it takes time but the more you can work together instead of against the other, the better off you and your kids will be.

Hi Denice,

I am a Divorce Recovery Coach for Moms, and a divorced mom myself. Most of the advice you've received so far is really helpful but before you make any moves, you do need to get a good attorney. Many moms avoid this step as a way to save money, to keep control of the situation and as to not 'go to war' with their ex. All good intentions & undersstandable, but you can get (and should get!) legal advice without losing control or starting a war.

If you and your soon-to-be-ex are at all able to handle this divorce fairly and resonably, you might want to consider collaborative divorce or even a divorce mediator. With collaborative divorce, you have an attorney as well as other professionals (financial advisor, divorce coach, pyschologist, etc.) helping you. So does your ex, and the approach is to sit together and negotiate a fair agreement for you you, your ex and your children. With a mediator, you and your ex negotiate, but the mediator is present to make sure you stay within the legal framework for your divorce. If you go with a mediator, you need to hire an attorney anyway to help you on the side - you just won't go to court as in a traditional divorce. Both of these options are usually less expensive and give you and your ex much more say in what will happen to your family.

If you negotiate for yourself at all, please take a look at my site. Powerful communication for divorced moms is one of the most popular topics I cover (even for non-divorced women!). A few pointers can really make the difference when negotiating for your family's future. I also have lots of other resources and support for Divorced Moms: www.SoloMama.com.

Take good care Denice. It might seem tough at times, but it does get better.

J. Rule,
Founder of Solo Mama
www.SoloMama.com
###-###-####
____@____.com

If the baby is your husband's, joint custody is always best for the children, unless he is an abusive father. In a divorce, what is best for the children should be your first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh consideration. And so on. It sounds as if you are in the wrong mindset. Children are not property to be divided in a settlement. Be very careful not to lose your personal integrity during your divorce.

hi Denice,
this is never easy, however the best way to go about it is to try and avoid the court system whenever possible. I have a great person who's speciality is divorce mediation. his name is sean collindon ###-###-####. let me know how it works out.

denise...i have no advice, i just wanted to send good vibes and blessings your way. i don't know the details of your situation, but i can imagine its a lil rough. take care.

rah

yes and no. I dont have a toddler but I am pregnant...9 months to be exact. My husband left me when I was 2 months pregnant.... I filed for divorce when I was 5 months pregnant. I didnt see a lawyer which was probably the biggest mistake. I went to a paralegal who said he would help me for a small fee fill out the paper work. He insisted that I could not claim an unborn child since the child didnt have an official name or social security number and plus anything could happen from then until the baby was born. When my husband got the papers served he got a lawyer and they claimed the unborn child. I have yet to see if this will count against me but I suggest you see a lawyer and claim the unborn child. As for my specific situation everything is on hold till the baby is born. Good luck and keep us posted. you might have some info that might be helpful to me.

I wasn't pregnant when I was divorced,but my kids were 3, 5 and 7. The best thing to do is to try to get legal and physical custody so you are able to make all the decisions that concern your kids. Find a good lawyer for you only. Get the ex visitation rights, if he is anything like mine was he won't see them that much anyways. Just some tips, I hope it helps you.

People don't usually care to acknowledge this but the court has pretty clear guidelines about what visitation and how much visitation is appropriate according to the age of the child. You will probably be awarded custody because you are the mom and the assumption is the kids have spent the most time with you. You will probably be required to make the children available for very frequent visitation while the children are small, but that will be reduced in frequency and increased in length of visit as the children get older and go to school. This is assuming neither of you has a violent history toward the children or each other and some other basic stuff...

I've been in and out of court since before my daughter was born because I was pregnant with her when her father and I split. It is not easy, it feels so much like your world is entirely in the hands of someone else. BUT, at the end of the day, these people do know what is generally good for children. You might be required to go to mediation with the other parent involved. You need to remain calm throughout the session, try your very best not to say something bad about the other parent. Direct all your concerns to the welfare of the children. aka... "I'm concerned for the physical safety of the children due to his lack of drivers license or frequent history of speeding tickets... Here's my proof" Try not to be emotional with the mediator. This is especially helpful if the other parent is one to fly off the handle emotionally and throw a fit. I have had a mediator go so far as to ask him to wait outside.

This is a super hard process, and it is very unsettling, but remember that grown up talk is for grown ups, and the children will be fine as long as you are fine. In the end, all will work out!!

Feel free to email me if you need to talk!!
Huggles!!
~S.~
____@____.com

Hi Denice;

I am sorry to hear about your divorce and then you're 5 mths pregnant. Can I ask you question if you don't mind? Do you have to go through divorce. Is that the last resort of your marital problem? Did you do counseling? I've been through hell when I left my husband and battled with custody, child supoort? I don't wanted to be noisy about your divorce, but in order for me to give you an advise, I would like to know at least part of your ground to divorce him. My problem with my ex-husband is liar,having an affair with another woman with one another, there is not satisfaction of one relationship and the worse nightmare is, he is physical and emotionally abusive of me. So please let me know before I can go on and on. Take care.

A.

Hi Denice,
My name is R. and I would like to share an even worse experience. I was legally seperated from my husband who I had a son with. I began dating a man for about four months. My husband and I decided to reconcile for the sake of our son. Shortly after reconciling I found out that I was pregnant with my boyfriends baby. At the time I was living with my husbands partents. NOT GOOD. I was honest about it and told everyone involved what happened. In the end my husband and I ended up in a divorce. I was about eight months pregnant with my boyfriends baby. I had to sign court papers that I agreed that my husband was not the father. Your soon to be x husband will have the right to challenge paternity. Get educated on your state laws. Where I live nothing can be done about custody until the baby is here. You may or may not be entitled to emeergency support right away. Check on restraining orders to prevent him from being a part of the birth if it is a volitile relationship. Only you can decide if something so extreme is necessary. Know that the last thing you need during birth is drama with a soon to be X. I encourage you to be fair. Maybe a scheduled supervised visit with someone you trust so he won't miss everything. You can't go back and create that day again if he misses it. Best of luck to you in an unhappy time. Smiles- R.

I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is to leave when you're pregnant...But stay strong and keep fighting. I wasnt married,but I know how the custody thing is. I have full custody,but only because I had proof of my ex being abusive.Also he is in another state and doesnt have the desire to fight for Rylin. But I dont know your whole story,but I'm sure if you're leaving while pregnant, you have a good reason. So be strong during the time and I'll check into the laws and requirements. Where are you living right now? Keep us posted and good luck

Been there. God bless you, my sister. Get every dime of child support you're entitled to, and don't be too proud to accept help from social services if you need to. It's been four years for me, and with the help of God, my church, a good custody deal (with no lawyer to afford), my spiritual mom, I'm getting to the other side. Don't be nice to him, because he'll take advantage of your vulnerable state to get the best deal for himself. It's war for him, and I'm sure he blames you for the end of the marriage, so PROTECT yourself, and don't give concessions, even if there's another man you've turned to. (He'll be looking out for number one too.)
I pray for you, but you'll be all right. Faith and STRENGTH. In a divorce, THINK LIKE A MAN, and find your inner Mama Bear! God bless.

Don't know if anyone has said this yet, but most states won't let you get divorced while you are pregnant. One because they don't want to have everyone go back to court right after baby is born, and because of the whole hormone deal, they think that sometimes you may choose to get a divorce JUST because you are pregnant and your hormones are going wild. You may want to check and see if you can even do it or if you have to wait.

Hi Denise,
I am currently separated from husband. When I was six months pregnant with my son, I found out that my husband had cheated on me. That day, I packed my clothes and my two year old daughter's clothes and left. It was and is the hardest time of my life. I am not sure what the situation is with you upon seeking a divorce. But you can get through it! I have had to dig down deep into my soul to find strength. I had my son in November and then moved myself and the babies into a new house. At first, when I left, I was positive that I wanted a divorce and was going to put my husband through the same hell that he has put me through. As time has gone by, I have realized that my husband must be going through his own hell since his time with the children is so little, but that is by his own doing....he is always too busy or has his other children from a previous marraige to tend to. My life has become a quite hectic with taking care of my children, working full time to survive and handle on the house hold duties. But, again, it is about strentgh and finding what you are really made of. So many other things have happened as well that I feel like the last seven months of my life could make an award winning drama mini-series.
In my opinion with custody, the children would stay with you because of the age of your child and of course when the baby is born, the baby needs its mother.
My husband has never once questioned or tried to push custody of the children because he knows it is a loosing battle.

I am new to this site, and I have never replied to any request before, however, I had to with this one. I hope you can get through this and remember to take care of yourslef since you still caring your child, if you have to put your marriage woes on hold for the next four months, then do so.
When I was 32 weeks pregnant, I started to have complications and had to stop stressing about my situation and focus on having a healthy child.

I write this with a sincere heart and tearful eyes, when in doubt of yourself and wonder if you can get through this...look into your childs eyes and then feel your belly and remember, God will not put you through something more than you can bear.

D.

I went through divorce with 3 and 1 year old children. It's not fun. My advice to you is to get a good family law attorney to protect you and the child. It took me 2 tries before I found a good attorney. The first attorney put me at risk of losing custody of my kids. The first attorney talked me into taking a collaborative divorce approach with using a divorce therapist, etc. Found it to be a complete waste of my time and sessions turned into marital counseling. Again, protecting you and the child should come first. The family law in CA is really screwy and there are things you and the typical citizen will not be aware of. Please don't wait to hire a good attorney.

Hi Denice,
I am so new to this site so I hope you receive my response!
I feel for you - I had a 2 year old and 5 year old when I seperated. Is this your only child? I do believe that with you being pregnant and being the mother you have a very good chance of obtaining the custody you so desire atleast for the 1st year or so. Have you sought an attorney's advice? know your rights and my best advice is to do not react emotionally (as I did)! and fight for whatever you feel is in the best interest for you and your child! Best Wishes to you!
J. T.

You need custody input? California is, by law (but not in practice), a gender-neutral state as far as custody goes. You and your soon-to-be-ex get the same advice about custody: be a good parent. The standard for a judge deciding custody matters is "the best interest of the children," which is not a bad standard for you to use all of the time. You know your situation, I don't, so that is all the advice I can give.

Good luck and best wishes.