Seeking Help for My Son - to Come Out of His "Shyness"

Enroll him in an outside activity. Like one of the other posters, I would recommend a martial art. A team sport at this point, I think, would just reinforce his tendency toward shyness. That can come later. Another thing to try is the "bravery trick". If he is shy when meeting new people, teach him to always notice the color of someone's eyes. He doesn't have to comment to the person - he can just tell you later what color the person's eyes were later. It gives him something to focus on and makes him appear more self-confident to others. One of those positive feedback things.

I was a first child and shy till I was 8. My sister was a magnet for attention and I was happy with that.
Check out this website. It has wonderful insight to helping children perceived as shy.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T110223.asp

He needs to have the behaviors modeled for him. Do things with kids he has over, a structured activity and help him with ice breakers. He will get it eventually. Because he is aware of his issue with shyness I would role play or read stories about the topic with him. I have a son with autism and we make social stories. I draw pictures of what will happen and use simple sentences to describe what will happen and what he needs to do. That could work for you too if you cannot find books to help him with socialization.

Maybe a martial arts would help him with confidence. Aikido is a great one, "The way of harmony." If there is not an aikido class in your area, Tae Kwon Do or something might be good. I think he's old enough to get started. The focus would be on learning and friendships would be secondary. It might be a subtle way to break the mold.

Good luck. I was just thinking about that yesterday if my son were to go through that, how it would break my heart. I wish you all the best.

Instead of trying to make your son not shy, maybe you need to first accept that he is shy. It needn't define him, but it is his first and most natural way of interacting with the world right now. Don't try to change him with playdates or compare him to his sister. Let him know it's okay to be shy. Let him know it's perfectly fine to enjoy playing alone. If you are out someplace and he expresses an interest in talking to another child or playing with a group let it be okay to ask you for help. You can certainly approach a group or child at the park (or wherever) and say "This is Josh. He's feeling kinda shy because he doesn't know you guys, but it looks like fun what you're playing...can he join in?" He may find it easier to meet like-minded friends at an extracurricular team or club or class that he has an interest in. When the kids are all working together as a team or on a craft, etc. they can get to know each other in a safe and slow way, week after week.
I have three little boys, and my oldest is 7 and we have had very few play dates with school friends and no sleepovers yet. Although not shy at all, my son plays really happily alone with legos, etc. all weekend long. I feel lucky he's not begging for friends over yet! I feel like I have a houseful with just my own kids right now! :)
I think if your son really wants to be alone you should be supportive of that. If you are able to let him know that it is okay to be shy (even a good thing, for example, he will likely always take the time to think before he speaks...what a great gift that is!) he will do things and be social in his own time.
Last thought (I'm rambling, sorry!) maybe a good match for him right now would be a friend who's a girl. She would maybe be more sensitive and be a better listener in a friendship than another 8 year old boy.
Embrace him as he is. Look for all of the wonderful qualities his shyness brings your family and those qualities, although certainly not the whole of what he will always be, will serve him well as he navigates the world.

P. (mom to three boys ages 7,5, and 3)

It may help putting him in activities with others his age. However, it is not uncommon for gifted children to have difficulties getting along with same age peers. If his intelligence level leads him to activities and concepts beyond his same age peers, he may not relate well to them, and they may not relate well to your son.
http://www.sengifted.org/
Is a wonderful site with articles about giftedness.
If your son is gifted, you may try looking to activities that really interest him, and let him find persons interested in the same things, regardless of their age.

Not to open a can of worms, but has he been evaluated for Autism Spectrum Disorders? My 8 year old is exactly like this and at the urging of the school, we had him evaluated at Texas Childrens. Turns out he has Asperger's Syndrome. Just a thought.

I worked with the Girl Scouts for many years and had several kids that were very shy. One of the things that I did was to have them help me with things when the other kids were that, had out papers etc. This might be somethings that can be done with your child when you have people over kid's or adults have him help by getting drinks, paper to write on etc. This will let him know that he important and that he can be around other people also. Good luck.

There is a book that I think would be helpful, it is called The Highly Sensitive Child. I am reading the adult version called the Highly Sensitive Person How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N Aron, PhD.
See this link: http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Ove...
Good advice.

Have you tried signing him up for any outside of school activities? I'm sure if you asked him, he would say no, but, I am a firm believer in that all kids need some interaction with other kids outside of school.
There are many things to try, and, not all sports.
Check with your local YMCA, they may have some great suggestions.
Sometimes kids just need a good confidence booster for something they are good at to help them out of their shell. This could possibly be sports for him, it could be boy scounts, it could be many different things. Sports are great, because usually they start interacting with the kids at practices before they become friends or talk much. They already have the wall down, and, lines open for communication when they do start talking!

Hi M., Wow you have gotten lots of responses. Here is mine. I am a mother of 4. My son is 5 soon to be 6. He is extremely shy and mostly quiet(except for when he doesn't get his way)but starting to open up. Last year in pre-k he vomited every morning. I am not joking. He had two friends. He is the type when you start talking or playing with him he clings to that person. I was at my wits end and did know what to do. This year has been a transformation. Before school started we gave him a new haircut that INSTANTLY boosted his confidence. Before school began I talked with his teacher regarding his vomiting,anxiety, and fear of the fire drill. She has been wonderful!! She has kept him busy interacting him with other children and being their helper and mentor.
He has had a few vomiting episodes at school but the cafeteria who also knows of his weak stomach and anxiety have discovered the problem and have kept certain people away from him at lunch time. He is still shy but he is coming around.
I think the biggest thing would be to get involved at school. Volunteer at school and have the teachers and staff help you. They will. I hope this helps.

I was a painfully shy child myself and at 30 years old it is still something I sometimes struggle with. My personal experience was that I enjoyed playing alone (since I was a toddler according to my mother) but I really wanted to play with the other kids too. I was also really sensitive and got my feelings hurt frequently. In fact I was so shy that my preschool teacher at first thought I was either deaf or retarded. Thank goodness my parents understood what my issue was and explained it to all of my teachers! Although I struggled as a child and young adolescent I learned valuable lessons about people and interacting with them. My mother was my greatest alli in all this and always seemed to know when I needed her to speak for me and when I needed to learn to do it myself.
I agree that you should not compare him to his sister, they will probably have wildly different experiences due to their differences and that's OK. Enrolling him in an activity or two might help him become a little more social and confident, but it probably won't be a miracle cure. I also like the idea of inviting friends to play with him sometimes, but only sometimes. Your son needs to learn how to navigate in social situations, so support him, give a gentle push when you feel like he needs it, but don't make it such a big deal that he begins to feel overwhelmed by it. He may just be the kind of kid who has a few close friends instead of a hoard of them, and that's OK too.

Hi M.-

I'm not trying to be an alarmist, I'm sure it's just his personality and it just takes him longer to get comfortable with people. But, since I have a son with Asperger's and I'm familiar with it I always like to provide information about it in case you son shares some of the other personality traits of Aspergers other than just being shy. If so it does help to know about it to get him the right kind of help.

Here's a link to some information: http://www.autismspeaks.org/navigating/index.php?WT.svl=T...

Good Luck,
K.

Is he in any after school programs? Cub Scouts? Little League? These are good team building activities that would certainly include him. Talk with his teacher to see how he interacts with his classmates? The fact that he gets mad when he thinks his friends don't acknowledge him is an indication that he really does want friends and is not just a natural loner. Do you attend church? Lots of friendships are made there. Good Luck.

Keep explaining to him that he has no right to get angry or hurt if he's ignoring them first. They are reacting to him. He who wants friends must show himself friendly. Keep explaining, without nagging or pushing, show by example, etc. He'll either see it and get over it or he'll always be shy. But, don't make him feel badly just because he's shy - like he's bad or not as good as his sister. He's shy. That's OK. But, if you're going to act shyly, then you have no right to get upset when others aren't friendly.