Seeking Help for Sibling Rivalry & Boundaries When One Child Has ADHD

Just a tangent... the sensory issues seem like another issue that often gets misdiagnosed as ADD/ADHD called Asperger's Syndrome.

Not sure how this applies to ADHD kids, but I would think it would be the same: my usual advice -- instead of telling him what is good about his brother and why he should like him, instead "mirror" his emotions, saying things like, "yeah, little brothers sure can be a pain," and similar things. That almost always has the effect of turning them around and making them like their sibling more.

And if you don't believe this, try it out on yourself. Notice the next time you feel strongly about something, and watch how you feel when someone tells you how you should feel the opposite -- it will make you feel unheard and make your feelings about the subject even stronger, instead of mitigating your feelings.

I don't think there is a lot of difference in handling this situation with an ADD child than there is with any child. It sounds like what you are doing is good, and that you understand your middle child's needs and are trying to meet them. As far as when he says things like "I hate him" I would suggest you deal with the words he's using and gently tell him that 'hate' isn't an appropriate word, but also let him know you understand that he does sometimes feel that he doesn't like what his little brother is doing. Also keep on explaining that some of that is just the way younger children are learning, and that he probably acted much the same way when he was that age... give actual examples if you remember them. Give him some words and ways to interact with his younger brother in a more positive way. Do help him exclude himself from the action of his siblings when he needs to, but also encourage him to interact more and in better ways with them too. It isn't an easy road, but then no one ever said raising children was easy. The nice thing is that it's worth it all, and one day you'll be able to enjoy the grandchildren :-)
Edit... I just re-read your request and was struck by your note of how busy you and your husband are. It sounds like you might also need to take a good look at your activities and see if there is any way you can eliminate some or in some way give yourselves more time to relax with your children. As you alreay know, an ADHD child needs less stimulation and more encouragement to a relaxed life, and that begins with how much stimulus you and your husband bring into the home with your schedules.

Many children get misdiagnosed with ADHD. Your son's symptoms indicate he may be gifted. ADHD children exhibit alot of the same behaviours as gifted children. Unfortunately, they have extreme emotions. Their emotions and sensitivities are as intense as their intellect. I dont know your son and I could be wrong (duh) but have people told you that he is "smart"? I am going to go look up the web site that tells you the distinctions between the two issues, so If you want more info write me...

A.,
Follow thru is your best bet. My son has ADD and a processing disorder. He is in special ed classes. We have not allowed him to behave any other way than what we expected of his sisters. I have watched many out of control children in these special education classes, and it is usually one of two things, 1. they don't have follow thru by their parents or 2. they have nothing expected of them, and are allowed to behave this way. I actually had one child tell me that he was allowed to behave the way that he did because he was a boy, and his mother said it was ok. Truly amazing, I wish she had been the driver on that field trip!! Telling your oldest that is not acceptable is perfectly fine, I have done the same thing with our children. Our middle one gets frusterated with the youngest quite often, and they are all teenagers now. I wish you luck. There is also a book on positive discipline from a-z if you want to look into that type of thing.
W. M.

Hi April -

My son is thirteen and has ADD. I do not know how he was diagnosed but I can tell you that often they are mis-diagnosed for years before they really pinpoint the problem. If you really want answers and help with dealing with everything you need to contact Expceptional Parents Unlimited. Also, if your son is in public school you can make a formal request for a "State" evaluation at a State Diagnostic Center. They will tell you exactly what the problem/s are and what are the best way to handle him and enable him to continue his schooling. My son is extremely intelligent (147 IQ) and went several years with only the ADD diagnosis when he also had dyslexia. If we would have known sooner it would have enabled us to better prepare him. The school district attributed all his problems to the ADD. Exceptional Parents Unlimited deals exclusively with special needs children and thier rights. They rock! Also all children with ADD have some level of disassociation socially. Set up lots of play dates this should help.

Good Luck~

Sensory issues can be linked back to the central nervous system. An attack on it, or a lack of needed nutrients, can affect how it functions. The malfunctions can be labeled with all kinds of titles (ie: ADD, ADHD, Aspergers, Dyslexia, etc.)But from the literature I've read, these malfunctions can be caused by or at least aggrivated by bacteria, fungus, worms,other pathogens, and/or lack of nutrients and vitamins.

For example, Cod liver oil, is called the MOOD vitamin. The added vit D in it is a mood elevator, it helps the CNS (central Nervous system). I definitely notice a calmer mood when I take it. I feel more at ease.

Some tiny spirochette bacterias called Borrelia b, can bind and block the vit D levels in your body. Some researchers think it's because they hijack the Vit D receptors.(other researchers oppose this view) Looking at blood labwork, I noted that 70% of people were deficient in vit D!! (40%-50% in vit B!) Vit D receptors in the cells regulate mood, immunity, and metabolism.
These all contribute to low vit D levels: any problems in the liver or kidneys (they convert D to it's active form)diabetes, high blood pressure, very low fat diets,crones, celiac sprue, gallbladder disease(including the kind caused by a worm),coticosteriods, bile acid sequestriants,tagamet, cancer,not enough sun, and again the Bb bacteria.

Another example that pathogens can and do cause vitamin and nutrient deficiency, is seen with H pylori, the spirochette bacteria that causes stomach ulcers.....It blocks iron. A person with H pylori might complain of the symptoms of anemia, fatigue, insomnia, or even pica, among others.

teeth grinding, irritableness, lack of appetite or concentration, sensitivity to light and noise, malaise, depression, restlessness, tics and muscle twitching,weakness,lack of balance, skin problems, cracks at sides of mouth, etc. Can be caused by Vit B deficiency. Sometimes the lacking vit b levels can be caused by a pathogen in the intestinal tract. Some of our vit b , like b12 and biotin, are created by us in our gut. If the area is infected with a worm, fungus,bacteria, ect, it will affect our vit b levels and we become deficient. Other causes of low b levels: High sugar diet, trauma, stress, many prescription drugs, including antibiotics, veganism, and lack of stomach acid (hypochlorhydria) or any antacid that causes diminished stomach acid, or deficiencies in other vitamins (for example, you need adequate E levels to covert b12, and b6 to covert b12)

These are all things you can try to help :

Fulvic acid- it has 60+ trace minerals that are usually depleted in our foods and soils. They easily pass cell membrane walls because they are in ionic form. So it would help deliver other supplements to the cells. Fulvics help release toxins, especially heavy metals, which allow bacteria and virus to hide behind it in the body.

At the same time you give fulvics, try these:

SAMENTO (found online) is an antibiotic that kills the spirochette Bb. I give it as 4 drops in a bit of water, 3 times a day. When bacteria levels are high in the body and start to die off, it will release the toxin into your bloodstream which can cause aggitation, headaches, insomnia (dont take it past 6pm or you won't be able to get to sleep) you will notice it gives you energy.

Vit b complex drops daily, under the tounge, following bottle directions.

Cod liver oil 1 or 2 times a day.

Iodine that can be comsumed internally ( we take idoral). Iodine is anti bacteria, antiparasite, antifungal, antiprotozoa.

Reduce grains and dairy (oatmeal is ok(not instant)gluten in grains and casien in milks can cause issues with the CNS and brain. Corn is full of a fungus that is a mycotoxin.Even if it is not in a grain form, you know corn is in almost every processed food and drink known... as the ingredient CORN SYRUP. Get it out of the diet.

One other thing I would do is deworm and deparasitize the family every 6 months. These products are online. Worms in the gut can cause agression, anxiety, irritableness, insomnia, (guardia-lactose intolerance,constipation, diarrea, headaches,b12 deficiency) (Erlichnia-exsessive nosebleeds,asthma, poor balance, tremors,),excessive gas,inflammation of the gut resulting in vitamin deficiencies of all kinds, anemia, b12 deficiency, (roundworm-dry weezing cough,irritable anemia,lactose intolerance,muscle twitching,insomnia, anorexia, eye problmes, eczema, allergy, failure to thrive)

I know it seems like a lot to do, but you will see progress, it is not a magic overnight pill. but keep on course.(the samento course is 6 months)If it seems overwhelming- If nothing else at least try the first 5 things.

I have a sensitive boy, and I think sensitive children are highly intelligent. Having hurt feelings is something he might always have to deal with, because that is the way God made him. However, I have helped him overcome his sensory issues with irritation, noise, and touch, by supplementing the support of his CNS with nutrients and clearing it of pathogens.

About "hate", I'm not fond of that word either, but :( kids (and adults) occasionally need to use it to make their point...

What if when he says that, you let him know something like, "It's really tough to share time with brothers and sisters, isn't it. Sometimes I feel that way too." That way he knows you understand how he feels, and also knows that he is not bad or wrong for feeling that way.

That acknowledgment alone might make a difference in how he behaves or feels about the sibling. He needs to know that you "get" how he's feeling, frustrated or maybe alienated or just needing occasionally to be your primary kid once in a while. I'm no psychologist but ;) as a sibling and a mom, it's what I would try.

I don't have experience with ADD/ADHD but I think ADD is not part of the problem you're asking about. It sounds more like just typical sibling rivalry stuff, any kid feels it at some time or another.

You're doing a great job, mama! Kids are passionate in their likes and dislikes, and in their need and desire to be your first and favorite. Let it be okay that he occasionally says he hates his brother; tone it down with sympathetic listening and mirroring with your own experiences.

Best of luck! And prayers for harmony in your home...

I'm a teacher and have used a management card with two sides: You Did It and Oops! The book Positive Discipline is terrific and has the goals of most all behaviors, for ex. getting attention, revenge, etc. You have to narrow down what behavior you are working on and manage just that one with the card. The child learns to self-regulate it after an intensive training with stickers or pen (depending on child, etc.) I wonder if it might work for you...
The book is good----one parent who has gone through a divorce and has a highly intelligent/difficult child liked it so much she returned it with a letter saying she was going to buy it instead of read mine. It's by Jane Nelson, counselor, teacher, and mother. It's well-known and easy to find (found two in a hospice shop at different times). She gives many real-life situations and how to deal with them. She's very positive.
Also, the one, two, three method was/is helpful (even with my twelve year old). After three infractions, the child is put into time out (Jane doesn't believe in time-out, calls it think time, I believe). The child is being warned that they are showing uncooperative, etc. behavior and will often steer clear of the end result. I had to sit with one daughter to keep her sitting.
Anyway, I had a training in their preschool and it is from a psychologist.
Once the family agrees on the boundaries and the little one, it can be a family agreed upon matter of the consequences for treating him disrespectfully. It's stated matter of factly. It can be the same for all in that instance. Maybe the one with impulse control could use the card. When he reaches five (stars or stickers)give him a prize from the prize box. Dollar tree is great for cheap, good prizes. You can talk about how well he's doing and how he realized when he made an oops! He's becoming more aware and honoring the rights of others in the family. Website for ADHD if you don't have it and want it email me and I'll get it to you asap.
Good luck, hope this was helpful, may not suit your needs, I imagine, but that book is good.
G.

3 unique boys..awesome and challenging! Adhd..super interesting..older kids with toddlers..woah..you have a lot to throw you..

Does adhd kiddo get a lot of movement? for Sensory and ADHD..fresh air...huge..down time...alone time..to recoup...?

We all need that but those who have extraordinary needs need all of that more.
Your middle child has additional needs that compete with a young child like your 3 year old and he is no doubt acutely aware of his needs, not being like his older brother, concerned his needs are like that of a baby brother and toddlers are needy, noisy and messy, all sensory triggers...

I think a lot of OT. type activities...and a lot of talking it out..friends of their own but a lot of teaching them to talk...even in their ages, modeling it is a start.

good books, Parenting from the inside out and David Elkind, Nature deficit disorder

Also, totally forgot about the importane of Visual Calendar and schedules for your middle guy..comforting for those who internally disorganized. From bath to bed, even at
school..tell me he has an IEP too.

I echo the diet and nutrition as well.

I would set aside time for just you and your son or you, your husband, and your son. ADHD aside, sibling rivalry is quite common. I would make sure he feels that he is included and getting enough time with you and your husband. Do you notice he says he hates him when the little one is getting attention. Look for other cues other than the ADHD and see what you can find. Good luck. Also, instead of telling him why he shouldn't hate him, ASK him why he feels that way. Help him talk through his feelings and what he is feeling. Sit down with him and talk.
Again, good luck

Validating substitute language comes to mind....

"You're really frustrated because your brother is....."
"That noise is really bothering you..."

You can help him be more specific without trying to talk him out of his feelings. If you do try to talk him out of his feelings, he might redirect the frustration at you or be less willing to talk with you about it.

I do have a few words of encouragement for you. I'm one of four siblings, and we absolutely thumped on each other all through childhood. Now in our forties, we're all very close. Everyone talks to everyone else, sometimes weekly, although we all live in different states. We vacation together, our kids and our spouses are friends, and it's all rather a big surprise, given our childhood battles. So don't lose hope, and don't feel like you have to be the one to orchestrate a relationship. To some degree, it's up to them. My parents did nothing about our rivalry and nothing to bring us together in adulthood. We did it ourselves.

Best of luck.

We treat the word HATE as a 4 letter word and give time-out for it after the first 3 times our son said it. We are also trying to be more aware of our use of the word - you'd be surprised how much you say it without knowing " I hate it when there's a line for gas!" I hate this stupid blender!" you get the idea.
It's been harder to edit from our language than the cuss words.

Hi A.,

It must be difficult at times to make peace and have the children get along with each other.

Your child that was diagnosed with ADHD. How does he sleep at night?

I am a wellness consultant and work with some of the doctors that are practicing Eastern as well as Western and finding some great results with children that have different challenges today.

They are having children sleep on magnetic pads, giving them whole food nutrition to supplement what is missing from the soils, putting an air system in their rooms and giving them living water along with magnetic insoles and magnetic necklaces on them and seeing the improvement of their behaviors.

They have been testing these technologies on children for over 15 years and seeing an incredible difference.

I feel these challenges we are seeing today in our children come from chemicals we have exposed ourselves to many years ago and now it is catching up to us.

Today on the news another warning that tons of released drugs tainted water in US. The EWG educated us awhile ago that 50 years ago 79,000 chemicals was released in our water,air and food. It is always something.

If you are intersted in more info let me know.

Have a great day.

N. Marie
____@____.com

Have him eat first, and then doing an activity when the others are eating. He will need a playmate constantly to keep him out of your hair and others, he'll find his own playmates when he's ready, until then keep him busy with activities, I can go on and on but can only wish you the best of luck getting to know your son asap and helping him along the way.

A.,
My oldest is adhd, he does suffer from anxiety & his emotions are a bit different than your sons. Sometimes they will feel left out, or they have a mind of their own. My son used to be all over the place & couldn't sit still. I do believe I was ADD, always wanting attention.
My oldest formed a habit of lying about everything. Patience with your oldest will be frustrating at times. You may end up telling him the same thing over & over again, the learning process of an adhd child doesn't comprehend many things. My son grew out of some things he used to do. It can be alot to deal with. My son had counselling but it got me nowhere.
I wish you luck. School will be a challenge also.

Here is what I would lightly say: "Oh, you will love/like him again in a little while/tomorrow!"
Because he will. ;D
And start REMODELING what is okay to say to express his frustration: "You mean you don't like Mikey's ______ (eating noise)right now? I would like it better if you just said you dont like Mikey's _____________ (eating noise or whatever). Cuz Mommy knows you love Mikey."
Because that is truer and more acceptable, right?
It is helpful for your son to realize ALL little brothers want to follow their older brothers EVERYWHERE, they want to be just like them. In fact, all little kids just love/are infatuated with bigger kids. (My theory is that they can picture themselves bigger like the bigger kids, but cannot picture themselves adults.)
That said, the OLDER (bigger) kid should be expected to log some time as the good big sibling, BUT they also need their own time to be FREE of the DUTY. Because it is half joy, half duty.
And it is hard to be a middle kid, Mom.
How does the 10 yr old treat the middle kid?

Hi A.!
I see it's been a while since you posted your question but I thought I write a few words any way.
I also recommend the ADDitude magasine and other resources by people who know exactly what you are talking about. You mentioned that you feel like you have ADD at times and I suggest you find out since many parents get diagnosed after their kid was- and it is something that is inherited. I disagree with the poster saying that it is like dealing with any other kid. Although the situations are alike, the way you need to ahndle it is very different. I think your whole family needs a lot of education to find undersstanding and things that work and some peace of mind. Just some thoughts - I hope ou find your answers.

What are you doing about the adhd. We just put our son on medication. I hate it. He just stands there will not play with other children. He has add,sensery ingreation,o.dd,poor fine motor. I just don't know what to do. I don't like the way he is right now. what are you doing for you your child? I have tried native rememdies but its not strong enough for him.

It sounds like you've been doing the right thing so far. One thought I do have is to have your oldest read the book ADHD & Me by Blake Taylor. It gives a first-person perspective on what it's like to have ADHD and it's a quick read. I know it helped me tremendously in understanding why our son behaves the way he does. It might help your oldest better understand why his brother does certain things.

Your son sounds a lot like ours. He's also quite smart and can hyperfocus when something interests him. He also has the sensory issues and his younger sister drives him crazy when she sings.

If you haven't already discovered this site, there's a very useful one for parents dealing with ADHD. www.additudemag.com It's the website for ADDitude magazine and you may find information there that could help in your situation.

Good luck!
M.