Seeking Help to Get My 7 Year Old to Sleep by Herself

This might not be possible for you, but I had a friend who solved this problem by getting a dog. Seriously. They put the dog's bed in the child's room (actually the dog moved into the bed with the kid pretty quickly). The dog was happy and the kid didn't feel alone and would stay in her room all night.

I used to walk my kid(s) back to their room/bed each and every time they got up to come get me. I never waivered no matter how tired I was. Eventually they give up bc they know I would not give in. Both my kids said they didn't want to sleep alone. My son decided he liked to sleep with a light on (the bedside lamp) and when he was little (age 7 or so) he would put stuffed animals all around him in a circle. My daughter is 9 now and she will occasionally come to my bedroom bc she wants me. I just walk her to her bed and say she can read for a bit till she gets sleepy. Really, she would like me to stay or to get in my bed, but I have not given in on this since they were both 2 or 3. I did that for my own sanity...I have a lot of sleep issues and am a hyper sensitive sleeper....a child in bed with me keeps me awake ALL night. It works though. Just be calmly consistent. Also -- breaking the cycle by being in a totally new location/situation can be very helpful. For example my daughter was being really bad about going to bed...getting up a million times, asking for us, telling us she couldn't sleep, or was scared, or was hungry, etc. We went on a family vacation with my husband's family and we adults all slept in the main house while all the cousins slept in the guest house. It completely snapped her out of her bad habits bc for a week she was going to bed at bedtime with her 6 cousins...since they all did it she did it too. Plus she loved being in the "kid house". When we got home from that vacation she continued to just go to bed easily after that.

My 8 year old is scared to sleep alone as well, but she knows that everyone has their own beds to sleep in. We check everything before we go to bed, she does have a lamp with a 5watt bulb. The night light had too many shadows for her and made it worse. The one thing that made her no longer fear going to bed? A $10 dream tent. It goes over the head of the bed, but it makes her feel like nothing can get her and the only times I have issues is if I took it down to do the sheets and forgot to put it back up.

You won't get any criticism from me! My daughter was born with a primary sleep disorder, and sleep has always been an issue. Exhaustion can (in my unprofessional opinion) be one of the most powerful and debilitating causes of stress - whether it's personal, health, marriage and/or home It seems like it would be so simple, doesn't it? Your child should sleep at night like the billions of other kids around the planet, yet she doesn't. I know how frustrating and difficult this can be, for everyone.

There are a few things you might try, for your daughter that are fairly simple:

A weighted blanket. Just type that into Google and you'll see many available. It can provide calm and a sense of security. They're not super cheap, but what price can you put on sleep?

A white noise machine. They're available online and they cut out noises in the house that can disturb a light sleeper.

A scented cloth. I bought a small square of very soft fabric in a pattern that my daughter liked at a fabric store (you can also use a handkerchief or face cloth), and I lightly sprayed it with my favorite perfume. I put it under her pillow and told her to smell it when she felt afraid or lonely.

Take her to a store and let her choose a night light, a lamp, a pillow or new bedspread, things to make her room her own. If she wants superheroes, fine. If she wants a weird ugly shade of green that she loves, fine. If your home is tastefully decorated and she wants glittery unicorns, fine. Help her re-decorate a little (as your budget allows) but remind her that she's creating her space, not a space for you and her. You have your bedroom, she has hers, her brother has his.

Now, as far as you're concerned, you seem to already know that consistency and staying with a plan are crucial. But I know it's hard. Our daughter's psychologist warned us that when helping a child to overcome something (sleep problems, behavior problems, etc), when the parent has a plan in place and begins to implement it, the child's behaviors will often get worse in response. It's expected (by the professional, not by the parents). Often the parent will say "well, that didn't work, so I stopped trying that". But actually it's working, and it's the child's natural response to the correction (like when a toddler's tantrum gets louder if a parent ignores the tantrum).

So, I suggest that you sit down with your daughter and talk with her. You can help her come up with a plan for night time. You could try drawing a calendar for her, and write down how the night will go. Make sure she doesn't have access to electronics of any sort for an hour before bed (the blue light that all electronics have can disrupt sleep patterns). Promise her you'll read to her or with her before bed. And try not to let her realize how desperate you are for sleep - you want to make this about independence for her, and not relief for you. You might try talking with her about things she'll be able to do when she gets a little older (go to a movie with some girl friends, stay up a little later, have a sleepover or go to one, babysitting, having a phone someday, etc). And you can remind her that those are for kids who have achieved some independence, and that includes not sleeping with mommy. But stay calm, and don't let on about how disruptive her sleep issues are to your marriage and home and health and mental well-being.

Then come up with a plan together about what to do if she calls out for you. Tell her you'll appear in the doorway, and wave or blow a kiss, but you won't be coming in to the room any more, and she's not to come to yours. Remind her that all people need sleep and she may not disturb the sleep of the rest of the family. If she needs to turn on her night light and read, ok, as long as she's quiet. If you must, set a goal for her. 7 nights without calling for you or coming out of her room or making a loud scene in her room, and she and you will do something grown-up and fun (a manicure, a movie, etc).

Then tell her that you love her and this is not a punishment, but part of growing up.

And then, plan on a few rough nights. But you have to stick with it like an Oscar-worthy performance. Don't give in, don't cry, don't fret, don't yell, don't even sigh. Remember, if she cries louder and comes to you even MORE than usual, it's working. Stay calm as a rock.

If she won't agree to a plan, and if she won't cooperate at all, it may be time for a specialist to give you some help. A doctor, a sleep specialist, a psychologist...there is no shame in asking for help.

It may not help at all to ask her what is bothering her, why she is afraid or reluctant to sleep alone. She may not be able to verbalize her feelings (assuming she has not experienced any trauma related to sleep or night time). Begging her to tell you what is going on may just frustrate both of you. If there is no recognizable reason that you can think of why she dreads sleeping by herself in her room, then you will have to get a little tough, and get consistent.

My daughter would not go to the bathroom by herself for years, as she was terrified of monsters and nothing I could say or do helped her feel secure. It drove me absolutely mad. As she grew older, we realised she has quite severe anxiety - to the point where she became quite withdrawn as a teenager. I wish I'd known how anxiety can manifest in very young children. I am not saying this is your daughter's issue, but I wish I had sought out the support of a good child therapist at the time. It would have taken a lot of the stress out of the situation for all involved. If you have the means to do so, seek some professional help, hopefully with your husband involved as well. Good luck and do what you can to be patient, keeping in mind you are not responsible for keeping the peace in your home. Your husband is an adult and can act accordingly.

another vote for a dog here!! we have 2 dogs.. one sleeps in each childs room. the dogs love the companionship of the child, the child feels safer/ better with the dog in their room.
(when we got throw rugs in the kids rooms they both decided no dogs allowed on the carpets..we got dog beds and put them in the living room. it worked well till it stormed. kids and dogs alike were up and scared of the thunder! we let the dogs in the rooms and everyone relaxed and all fell asleep before it stopped thundering.)

i also think your child may benefit from counseling.

I feel for you. My aunt went through this with my cousin, for YEARS. Basically my cousin couldn't or wouldn't sleep alone until she was like, 12.
But I'm wondering, have you never gone away on a trip without her? Has she never stayed home with daddy or grandma or cousins or anyone? I think if I were you I might plan a little trip by yourself. It sounds like you need it. A few days at a spa/hotel, or if that's not in your budget go stay with a friend for a weekend. Your daughter will see that she CAN sleep alone and your husband will be forced to step up and be a parent.
Good luck!

I think by now it's turned into something a therapist might have to help you work through. Obviously, you're exhausted and what you've tried isn't working. You also don't have support and not knocking your husband (mine might not be especially understanding at this point either, even though he's a super patient guy) - sometimes getting professional help is just what you need.

I think a child psychologist would help your daughter work through her fears in baby steps. She could have empowerment exercises - go in each session and report back to the counselor how well she's doing. That takes the pressure off you. Reporting back to another adult is much better for her I think, than mom at this point. Knowing 'she can do this' is a big deal. Seven is a huge milestone in development (a therapist told me) so she's at the age where she can make this leap.

That would be my suggestion. Get hubby on board with counseling, and get professional advice here. I wouldn't make drastic changes until you talk to counselor. Find one by asking around or ask pediatrician (telling the specific issue - some specialize), and then talk to counselor first. Sometimes you go in with child, sometimes you don't - but you need to keep in touch so you can be aware of progress and what you are supposed to be doing.

Good luck and keep us posted. Baby steps but age seven is when a lot of kids mature so I think it's totally possible!

* I read your little add on. I've had kids with 'things' they had to work through, so not knocking you. I'm just saying, kids sometimes respond better to outside help at times, and when parents support the outside help - sometimes that's the solution. It helped with my kid's anxiety (it was mild, but we did exercises at home and it was enough to empower our kid to feel they could tackle it on their own).

If you don't want to go that route, I'm thinking a pet (?) that sleeps in room with child (fish?) (nothing that would keep her up - a lot of pets are nocturnal), or what about melatonin? Does she have anxiety, or an underlying issue? Sometimes until you uncover something else, it's very hard to move past things. Empowering kids to overcome anxiety (I had one who was anxious about sleepovers) isn't about having mom sleep with them - it's about baby steps for them. Sometimes it has nothing to do with bedtime at all. That's where the therapy can be helpful. A lot of the times it has fun exercises (what we found) that kids actually enjoyed, and sometimes it's with other kids - and is social. I would just reach out and see what is available.

I think I would consult the pediatrician. A dog is an interesting idea which I hadn't thought of, but it's also kind of extreme and would only add more to your plate! But shoot, I guess if you've ever considered a dog, this might the best opportunity.

No matter what route you choose, you are going to have to be the one that doesn't break and stays consistent. You already said your husband isn't supportive and of course your daughter is going to try and change the situation, so you have to be mentally prepared and ready and realize sleep is still a bit of a ways off because this will be a hard task.

I agree with the others about counseling. Have you talked to her and asked what she is scared of? When I was that age I was scared to death of going in my room alone and would jump from way far away from my bed onto my bed. I had 2 older brothers that told me the boogie man lived under my bed and in my closet. I was terrified but never told my parents as I was scared of my oldest brother. I am not by any means saying it has anything to do with your son. I am just saying there could be many reasons she is scared. and working with a councilor to work through what ever it is would be very helpful. Good luck!

Some good suggestions below, and a wonderful, caring response from Elena B.

I'll just add that it seems SO much has fallen on you - you're trying to keep your daughter happy, your son rested, and your husband devoid of stress. You have a full time job, full time housekeeping chores, and full time parenting - that's a huge and stressful burden on you. And it's not fair. Maybe there's more to it, but based on what you've written here, I'm not too sympathetic to your husband. Why are you the only one exhausted? Why is his sleep so much more important than yours? Why does his need undermine your ability to stick to a plan? You need support and a partnership, not a bunch of responsibility and guilt.

I would not sleep on the floor. I would find a way for both of you (you and your daughter) to get to sleep in the short run. I'd talk to a psychologist if and only if you think you and your husband can follow an agreed-upon course of action. Is this a bad habit? Anxiety that requires treatment of some sort? A deep fear? A sensory issue?

I would NOT get a dog without a psych evaluation - they can be comforting, and I have friends whose children with various issues have benefited from an emotional support animal, but giving yourself another living thing to take care of, walk, housebreak and train is a bad idea.

I would take a long weekend - perhaps Thanksgiving (Fri/Sat/Sun) and implement a plan. Send your son to a friend's or a relative's, and you and your husband form a united front in dealing with your daughter's anxiety (if it's there), bad habits (if that's the cause) and family patterns of dealing with issues. Just plan on being miserable while you work this through - but have a plan! I would not implement a plan concocted by the 2 of you, no matter how good it seems on paper. There's too much bailing out in your history, and your daughter has learned that she can hold out (or get worse) and the strategy will be abandoned.

Please talk to a professional, rule out factors that are not causes of her problem, and come up with a strategy with a neutral expert that everyone signs on to until it works.

If you cannot do that, I would suggest you go away for a long weekend so YOU can sleep. No cell phone, no parenting by phone, no nothing except rest or adult fun with a sister or college roommate or someone else out of the area. Let the rest of the family manage, let your husband be the comforter-in-chief, and get a good night's sleep. Chronic exhaustion makes you a risk behind the wheel, a target for illness, an ineffective business owner/employee and a worn-out wife/mom.

She's old enough to understand that she needs to be in her own bed and everyone else needs to be in their beds - but at night she loses the logic that she's aware of during the day.
You can talk to her, explain why sleep is important, why you all needs to get more (and why everyone being in their own room is the best way to get there) and then ask her for ideas on how to accomplish this.
Would she like a night light?
How about a white noise like some static or rain sounds?
Maybe turning her bed into a fort would make her feel cozy (they have tent type things for beds).
Maybe a weighted teddy bear would help - would help her feel like she's not alone in bed.
It might be worth setting up an reward chart for it where she gets something for a certain number of nights where everyone is where they are suppose to be.
She's a little old for reward charts but any incentive to get her through this is worth thinking about.

Our son was about your daughters age when we moved and it took him 6 months before he was used to the sounds the new house made at night.
We had him sleeping in a cot at the foot of our bed till he made friends with his room.
Eventually he adjusted and then he loved his room so much he refused to trade up to a larger bedroom when the chance came up a few years later.

Eventually she will outgrow this.
By the time she's in high school you'll have a hard time prying her out of her bed to get up and get to school.

My youngest slept with me until she was in third grade. I promise you this will not last forever and she will eventually want her independence. My son, her older brother, passed away. Probably due to that, I was determined to just enjoy my time with my daughter.

FYI...My husband slept on an air mattress but I would frequently join him while my daughter slept. This kept both of us happy and content.

We definitely struggled with this when our kids were in young (toddlers years & preschool). We chose to let them come into our bed. Our youngest has Autism, so that explains (to me anyway) why it took longer for him, but even in grade school I would sit in his room and read on my Nook/Kindle until he fell asleep.

Our oldest grew out of it on his own (long before kindergarten), and our youngest (the one on the Autism Spectrum) grew out of it when he was 7 or 8.

The vast majority of kids will grow out of it on their own. Our youngest didn't, but we already knew he had special needs (just weren't sure what they were, at the time). I'm not saying your daughter has special needs, but talking to your pediatrician about it would still be a good idea. She might just grow out of this a littler later than most kids, but she might have something else going on.

One thing that helped us a lot with my youngest was giving him melatonin. He has ADHD, and the melatonin really helps his body relax. He also loves to read in bed. Both my boys do, and that really, really helps them relax and get sleepy.

Talk to your pediatrician and ask for suggestions. Hopefully your pediatrician will ask you a whole bunch of questions to see if she/he can zero in on any possible physiological reasons. But if nothing else, ask your pediatrician about using melatonin. We started with a dose of only 1 mg per night, and that really helped.

I have let both my kids sleep with me. It’s natural for kids to sleep with mothers in many cultures around the world. Dont feel guilty. My daughter is 9 and she still sleeps with me from time to time I love it.

The bonding an affection is one thing but the control is another. You should not be sleeping on the floor. Your daughter is controlling you. The experience of sleeping has become a power struggle and how she gets attention from you.

I would send her to a relatives or friends house for the weekend or a school break. You need to break the cycle.

Monster spray .. I used a spray bottle with water and a couple of sprays of my perfume but you could use any scent. I sprayed it under the windows and across the doorway and around the bed. This is really strong stuff and monsters can't cross it.
A friend sprayed water with lavender oil in her daughter's room and on her pillow.

Works like a charm. It might take a few nights but it works.

My older granddaughter used to do this , when she was younger. I got her this little round thing at a home store to sleep with that plays ocean sounds and a bunch of stuffed animals. That seemed to keep her out of my room.

I had a daughter that had trouble sleeping alone too. I feel your pain. I tried many things but was never consistent...until one day I had forgot my phone at home and went home on my lunch to get it. On the way home I ran a red light. Totally zoned out. It was that day I had decided I was going to sleep train her no matter how long it took. And I did.

You need to stay strong on whatever you decide. Talk out the new rule with her. Allow her to make adjustments on things she may need to feel comfortable. Put her to bed. When she calls for you ignore her. Do not give her any interaction. If she wakes up walk her back to bed. Get a lock she can't open on your door if you have to. Honestly even if it means you have to take a few days off or go in late to work. It's tough love. It will be exhausting. But after a few days she will understand you are not giving in. I've been there. (My daughter was around 4-5 when we did this. She is now 13 and first one to fall asleep in our house.)

Wow, 7? This should have been nipped in the bud YEARS ago. I can totally understand why your husband would not be any help - you caved in so many times over the years, he is frustrated and has realized that this has gone way beyond the norm.

I'd send dad away for the weekend and you work on getting her to stay in her own bed while he is gone. She stays in her room, you stay in yours. No compromises, no caving in.

Good luck.

Don't worry about it. Don't make an issue of it. Love her for who she is. And have patience. Lots of patience! And figure out the workarounds for you and your husband if you know what I mean!

I guarantee that she will NOT be sleeping with you when she's 12 years old! If you keep that in mind, it'll likely happen sooner than later. An older gal gave me the same advice and sure enough by age 8, our daughter was out of our bed!