Seeking Help with Daughter Who's Attitude Changes When Her Father Shows Up!

Dear C....you have a difficult problem...a common one in our day. Children often don't know their real parents and/or sometimes like the 'foster' parent more than the biological one.

Children cannot always express what they really feel. Sometimes they say what they think others want to hear...but it confuses them in side.

Often they 'hunger' for the missing parent...a sort of love/hate relationship. It is possible that she is even jealous of her little brother because he has BOTH parents. Her biological father has spread himself so thin that he cannot be a good father. His children are too spread around.

Don't think I am being mean...but children need on-the-spot parents. Todays moral situation is such that 'parents' are more like romancing teenagers. I heard a parent say today that they were still 'raising a 30 year old TEENAGER! It is a broken situation...and may be impossible to fix.

I don't know if the legal people involved would allow it...but I think the best thing for this child would be to establish her with your husband and the baby, and do your best to create a 'home'. If she is naughty, correct her...BUT DON'T YELL AT HER. Establish a few rules (NOT RIGID), in order to make some order for all of your lives. Always be constant with those rules...but don't let them become 'wars' between you.

We are 'spiritual' creatures...and often develop a 'spiteful' relationship with disobedient children. Control yourself. Show respect for both children...and use your words to create a fellowship between them. ("Brother LIKES/NEEDS you...your help.") And praise every instance of 'good' you see in them.

Use the same tactic with the boy. ( I know that this is hard when she is naughty to him...but you will think of ways to bring them together.) It will be up to you to BUILD (mend your broken one) a home...and all of you will enjoy the results. I pray that your husband will be helpful. Don't look back; make all of your steps be forward. You won't regret it.

I trust that you are taking them to Sunday School.

Bless your efforts...
KayMarie

Hi C.,

Sounds to me like you need to start documenting his activities and contacts with your daughter, hire an investigator to find out where he lives and note how your daughter doesn't actually stay with him on the weekends he has been granted visitation. In other words, build a case to obtain full custody, he is messing with both your heads. He sounds like a loser and bad father who doesn't deserve this power. Furthermore, why doesn' your boyfriend marry you after having a child with you? I think your daughter needs a stable home, not that you don't have it now and I'm not questioning your committment to each other per se, but you do have a child together and marriage would be a great step towards stronger committment, role model behavior, a real family with mom and dad for both your children to thrive and feel secure in and legal rights for you and your son.

Your daughter needs counseling but it will only work if you make major changes at home.

Sorry to be harsh, but I get so tired of hearing stories where Dads are deadbeats and years go by with no change in their behavior and the kids and ex-wife are left holding the bag of issues and responsiblities. Daddy just moves on to wife after wife, kid after kid. Take the reigns and break this cycle of negative behavior NOW. Get a better lawyer.

J.

Your daughter is acting out and is confused at such a young age. Please schedule an appt. with a child psychologist so she can get the much needed professional help in her confusing little world.
E.

You're going through a spell that'll either last a brief time or a long time depending on how you deal with it. It's a hard time for children at any age to deal with divorce and moving on to deal with additional parents such as (step) parents.
Trying to be objective here since I can understand how you feel, but you really have to put your feelings about your ex aside to really deal with your daughter's emotions. This may require counseling on your own to get over or deal with your ex's erractic behavior and it's effect on your daughter and your relationship with your daughter and boyfriend. And at the same time, talk to your daughter. This will be almost painful, since she's not hearing nor listening right now. This is due to the fact that no one is (really) listening to her. What ever you do, stop and take a breath and let her talk when she wants to (at this point she may yell, scream, hollar, backtalk but, eventually you will get her to talk.) However, I must stress, at what ever point, you must ALWAYS talk. With time she'll get the point.
Be clear about rules of privacy, respect, and general rules. Discipline when necessary. She has every right to be upset when her real father is around and "pops in -and out". She has no understanding of it and has neither no control, she's only six. But whatever her mood is, Talk!!!
As far as dropping her off at her grandparents house, she spending time with him, them, it's part of the deal.She may not like it but it's what is required by your arrangement.
However, the arrangement, do not let her behavior nor attitude take over your life. She'll have to deal and learn to do so with you beside her-Talking and listening!
Parenting is the hardest thing one can do.

Best of luck and keep the faith that she'll be as strong as you.

Mom of 4.

You have to realize that some of this is totally unrelated to her father. My daughter is 7, she just turned in March, and with all the influences at school, they really start to develop an attitude and begin to really act out at this age. So while the situation with her dad I am sure is not helping. Just know it is not all him. Some of it is most definatley her age. Just be strict and do not tolerate that behavior when she is at your house.

Take her to go and talk to a child pscholist. She might have some issues towards her father and and dosen't know how elase to get them out. My two oldest you to see their father. Their attudie was bad also. He lost seen them when they where 3yrs old. Just one day stoped seeing them. But i still also have days where they act out, And i can tell that it is from the father. Have her sit down and talk to someone. BEst of luck.

C.,
It sounds to me like this little girl is confused and may have abandonment issues. Is her father your ex-husband? You have another child to another man. She probably fears he will leave as well. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you can't go from man-to-man, make babies, and then wonder why they are confused. Seek counseling yourself. I think there a lot of confused little kids out there because of the actions of their parents. Children (especially women) develop a lot of their self worth and self-esteem from the relationship with their fathers and the other men in their lives. Are you showing her that a man loves you enough to live with you and father a child, but not enough to marry you? Isn't that a form of respect? This is not a personal attack, but I feel women need to take a step back and really examine how their actions and choices effect their children. After all, you made these kids, not it is up to you to be a role model and watchdog for their little selves. Good luck and God bless you.

Hi C.,

It sounds like your daughter needs somebody to talk to about her feelings. Someone that is not involved in anyway to the situation. Like a therapist or school counselor. You could try play therapy with a professional therapist. My son had this when he was around 6 years old(for a totally different reason) and it did help him quite a bit and he enjoyed it as well.

Good luck with everthing!!!

L.

It sounds like you have tried everything, and it definately sounds like she's acting out. Now may be the time before it goes much further to get some help - maybe some counseling - it would probably help if you and your boyfriend went as well - as a family - they can help everyone in the situation and working together may bring an end to her behavior much quicker. Good Luck.

I agree with the other ladies. Your daughter needs someone to talk to who is not connected to the situation. It wouldn't hurt to see a family counselor who could help you as a unit (you, daughter, boyfriend) and help all of you individually in learning how to deal with the situation. I wish you luck, coming from a blended family myself i know it isn't always easy. Remember to let her know that you love her, sometimes it gets lost in translation. Good luck.