Seeking Mom's with Teen Daughters

Opposites Attract!

When I was growing up I was the trouble maker, class clown bad girl and I was attracted to the geeky guys for some reason.

She's just gonna have to learn for herself what happens when you hang around the wrong crowd.

Please be supportive of her friendships. I also had several "loser" boyfriends that I actaully dated. They NEVER treated me poorly, they just weren't real motivated in an academic sense. I turned out fine and married a very motivated, hard working man! Some girls are drawn to these types b/c they think they can "fix" them; with the personality you describe in your daughter, is that a possibility? My parents always politely "tolerated" these boys; I think I always knew that I would never marry someone like that, but at the same time it was always important to respect people from different backgrounds and give them a chance. Like I said, none of them ever treated me poorly and if they had, then I know my parents would have stepped in and spoken up. It is all a learning process. I like to think that all of those "losers" (I hope noone is offended by that word, it's not meant to be mean, just lack of a better word for now) were able to learn from being my friend and interacting with my family. There is a song by Collin Raye (country singer) called "All My Roads"--it talks about all the "mistakes" in life and how they led him to "the one"--great song! Just be supportive, lead by example, and have open conversations!

Your daughter reminds me of myself at that age. I had a bunch of guy friends and still to this day have trouble making friends with other women. It could be for any number of reasons. Smetimes girls are very mean to the smart, pretty girls or your daughter may have troubles really connecting with them, or thinks that they're superficial or petty or something. Conversely, I can think of several reasons that she may be drawn to these boys. Maybe it's easier to be friends with these guys precisely because she would never date them. I know it's easier to be friends with men when they have a girlfriend or the possibility of dating has otherwise been taken off the table. Since you don't say much about specifically what these boys have done that's objectionable, the other possibility is that she sees something in them that you haven't or can't. I had two guy friends in HS who were definitely not considered to be in my "league" or social circle, but we were drawn together for reasons beyond the typical HS BS. One guy was extremely smart and was in drama with me. I had read some things that he had written and was really impressed. He would definitely have been seen from the outside as an under-achiever, but some of it was because he worked to help support his mom and sisters, and couldn't afford the best clothes, etc. He was really a great guy. The other boy and I had an art class together and just had really interesting conversations. Sometimes, boys especially, buck authority when they aren't challenged, and the slackers (especially the self-proclaimed kind) are some of the smartest kids. I agree that motivation is a virtue, but a lack thereof is not necessarily something to hold against a teenager. Same with no concern for others -- the practical definition of a teenage boy is someone who the world revolves around who will eat you out of house and home!
Instead of lecturing, I would talk to her and tell her that part of your job is to keep an eye on who she hangs out with, and even though she may not appreciate it now, you are only acting in her best interests. Then, ASK her what it is specifically that she likes about each of these guys. Ask her if she would ever consider dating them, or what she would be looking for in a guy that she would want to date. You may be surprised what you find out. Then you can tell her some of your opinions on the topic.

Michelle K hit it on the head. She described me growing up completely! Your daughter and I sound like we are the same. I had maybe two female friends growing up and the rest were guys. I didn't and pretty much still don't have many female friends and more guy friends. I couldn't stand the drama that goes along with having the female friends. The clickiness and the back stabbing that goes on. With guys pretty much what you see is what you get. Most of my guy friends and the few I dated were less than I was in school because the ones that were smart were all about books and didn't know how to have fun the way I had fun... the non movitated school goers had fun the way I did. It wasn't anything like partying or drugs but we had more in common and hung out and plain and simple had fun.

I only dated one that wasn't good for me and I figured it out after about six months and it was a good learning experience for me believe it or not and since then I have dated men that were good for me. For me if my parents would have told me I couldn't date that type of guys when I went through my defiance stage its scary to think about how far I would have went just to make sure I was going against my parents.

Honestly what goes on with the outside isn't always the case on the inside. Outward looks can be very misjudging! My son could be classified with the guys you described... he has long hair, has his ear pierced and likes his baggy clothes, and is a goof ball! But he knows his manners and uses them, helps anyone and everyone out who needs it and he has had straight A's since he started school. All of his friends are the same in looks but not in school.. they are the under achievers, but he has more in common with them and it doesn't hold him back in school so I don't care. everyone puts him in the class of kids as his friends and I have asked him if it bothers him and his answer has always been he doesn't care because the people don't know him on the inside only judge him by his looks and its the inside that counts!

I'm sure you've sure this, but remember the phrase "opposites attracted"? :) One thing to make sure you don't do with your daughter is tell her she cannot see boys like that. If she's like me, that'll be her first choice. Remember back to when you were a teen and be very understanding with her emotions right now-14 is a hard age.

Your best bet is probably to focus on raising a smart, self-confident, independent daughter. Let her know you trust her to make good decisions, and give her the freedom to make some bad ones every once in a while, so she can learn from her mistakes.

Let her take on more responsibilities, and earn more freedom. Let her find out for herself that those boys aren't worth her time.

If you tell her who she can and cannot be friends with, and you manage her time and her life for her, she will a) resent you and b) never learn to do things for herself.

Good luck -- she sounds like a great girl, and I'm sure things will turn out extremely well.

Wow B. ... been there and done that. My only child and a daughter was outstanding in the same ways your's seems... and as a single Mom, it all about killed me for about 4 years. This is the bad news. The good news is that she came out the other side of her adolescence one incredible strong Mama, now age 36, an OB-GYN and Mom to a precious almost 4 yr old and pregnant now 3 months... married to a Radiologist - ha a whole family of Radiologist and just diagnosed with MS.

I'm convinced that the lessons of her teens have made her the fighter and beauty that she is today and will afford her the strength she will need with this disease.

Stay in as much close communication with her - more than you can even imagine is needed or that she might accept ... it is all to the good.

Don't know if this makes any sense but prayers are with you and yours. Trust you are a wonderful Mom and raising a most beautiful woman.

Margie

I agree that oppisits atract. I was the great kid to who got good grades and never got into trouble. I dated and married a "looser". I made him quit smoking and drinkng. He is now a great man and a wonderful father to our children. He went to collage after we were married, got his degree, and now has a wonderful job. He always told me he just needed a reason to stop doing the bad things and turn his life around! Just because you think some kid isn't motivated and he doesn't get the bast grades doesn't meen that's who he really is.

My daughter who is now 18 and out of school sounds very much like your daughter. Beautiful, smart, athletic,friendly and respectful. A lot of her friends were guys in school and she went through a similar phase at about 16. When she could have had pretty much her choice of many boys, her date to her Junior Prom wore nail polish and bigger earings that she wore. We didn't make a big issue of it, but just kept reminding her what our boundries were and what type of behavior we would and would not tolerate. It was kind of like the 3 strikes and you're out thing, except we only allowed 1 strike. If she did something that she knew was unacceptable when she was in the company of this young man.........then that was the end of it.........no further discussion. She soon got bored and tired of his laid back, no goal in life attitude, and began dating a young man striving to become an officer in The United States Marines.
My advice would be to relax and let her know that you trust her to make smart decisions based on the values you have taught her. I'll bet she won't dissapoint you. It sounds like you are raising a sensible young lady.

Dr Laura wrote a book about stupid mistakes women make. Ten Stupid things Women do to Mess up their Lives. I bought it for my baby sister when she was 16, and she still appreciates the wisdom now that she lives away from home during her college years. Insightful, and the kind of information you'd want your child to know, but it comes from a distant third voice, which is helpful because according to many teenagers, parents don't know anything.

B.
It looks like you have gotten a lot of really great advice! Which is awesome! :) I wholeheartedly agree with Rebekah about a lot of teenage 'slackers' being under challenged and board. So I think it's actually kind of a good thing that your daughter is kind enuf to see past the exterior and look underneath to believe the best in people. That is such a great quality to have!

You are in a great position right now to talk to her heart. Instead of judging the guys yourself, ask her what she sees. If you're afraid of her dating this type of guy, instead of telling her what not to do, talk to her about what TO do. Talk to her about what dating is- that it is honestly a way to find your future husband- not just to find love. Talk to her about the qualities she wants in a husband, and about the qualities you believe she deserves in a husband. And then talk to her about how there are many great guys out there that she _could_ love, but that the one that she _should_ love will have all the qualities she needs.

I wish someone had told me that if a guy has qualities that you're not okay with to start with- then DO NOT bother dating them in the first place! And that until there's a wedding ring, that it's Always okay to walk away.

I read the book "I kissed dating goodbye" in college and really wished someone had given it to me to read when I was younger because it made me look at dating completely differently.

Anyway, this is one of those issues where, for her to grow up, she needs to make the decisions herself. But you have great power of influence over those decisions... Good Luck!!

B.,

Hi, I am a mom with 2 great kids. Our son is 16 and our daughter 14. It sounds like your daughter is a confident, friendly person. So many of the kids out there aren't very friendly anymore it seems. Our daughter is also very social! She isn't dating but is very aware (from us)about what kinds of boys she should be hanging out with. Thankfully most of her friends are girls, but I know that when she's ready the boys will have to be very considerate of her to get any attention from her. I think this can be attributed to us knowing the kinds of kids she's hanging around and giving her a sound background for how people should treat each other. Not to mention trusting her own instincts for when she feels wierd or uncomfortable and being able to speak up against peer pressure when needed.

Just be honest with your daughter, and let her know that people should be treating each kindly, but also to be aware of bad behavior because it usually ends up with bad results.
Even though she may want someone to change, people will usually return to bad habits if they started that way.
Good luck, I think its great that she's outgoing and friendly!

B.,
Looks like you have had a lot of good advice already but I thought I would put in my two cents worth. Our second daughter, who is now 24 and married to a wonderful guy, was and still is like your daughter. She took a lot of grief from her classmates through junior and senior high school because she would befriend those who others thought weren't worthy of her, like the boys you describe. She dated one and he treated her poorly but he loved coming to our house and talking to us about his life--he didn't get much of that opportunity at home. While she was in college, we were introduced to a young man who we knew only by name and reputation (not good). When he found out who we were, he thanked us for our daughter, saying she was always kind to him and treated him with respect and encouraged to be a better person. So just encourage your daughter and keep the dialogue going. Also, I agree with Rebecca that looks are deceiving. Our son, now 22, has crazy hair, piercings, and tattoos but he is the kindest, most giving person. Little kids love him and he loves them, also.

Hello B.,

I too have a 14 year old, beautiful girl who is popular and very smart. What else could we ask for huh? I am able to read her pretty well when it comes to issues about boys. This is due to the fact that I keep the lines of communication open about boys. I ask her what is his name, why do you like him, and who are his friends. I explain to her that the way he treats girls in general and the friendships he keeps tells alot about how he will treat her. I tell her that if he had alot of girl friends or has been in a "relationship" with a few girls that he is up to no good. I make sure I follow up and ask, so how is "so and so" and she usually has moved on by then, because she found out the "reality" about the boy.

Best wishes with this situation!!

A. F.

My suggestion is to not say anything. The more you tell her not to date losers, the more she will want to. Eventually, she will figure out that those guys are not the type she wants to be around. Its better she learn that now rather than when she is an adult.

When I was a teenager, I went to visit a friends house and in her room she had a poster about dating. It had a bunch of lines with general advise but there was one line that I have never forgotten... "choose each date as a future mate". I have told both of my kids this line as they come home upset after a rotten date. Give her guidance without preaching or demanding. She will figure out the right road.

Does she have a good relationship with her dad? Dads can have such a powerful influence in this area by telling their daughter how beautiful and amazing she is. Also, when she talks about these boys, ask her what she sees in them that attracts her. That may help you figure out why she chooses them, and/or perhaps there is something wonderful about them you are not recognizing. :)

I am replying to you as having been that "teen daughter" you speak of. I was at the top of my class, pretty, friendly and all that,and I leaned toward the "bad boys" as a teen. I felt more accepted by them, adn never felt I was "good enough" or pretty enough- or whatever, to hang with the "better bred boys" For me it was a self esteem issue- I still tend to have those issues, but as an adult, I am able to remind myself that I am worthy of a "better class of man" And NOT make myself feel as if I am trying to be better than someone by saying that. Your daughter may feel that these guys are the best she deserves- or they are easier to please and attract- there are lots of reasons, unfortunately, the only thing you can do is point it out to her, not nag about it, and someday she can look back- as I have, and say- man, mom was right.

sounds like the "bad boy" attraction. someone "exciting" who takes "risks"
i was similar to your daughter in high school - though i was never popular for being the prettiest girl a or anything... and i remember having on and off crushes on the pot smoking bad boys of my class too. i was too smart to actually date them though...

theres 2 things about it though; first, you CANNOT keep telling her she cant date them. if you do - thats the first thing shes going to do. what you can do is just make sure that she knows your rules for behavior and the kinds of activities she does. obviously, YOU are mom, and you make the rules. i wasnt allowed to date until i was 16 - and trust me, i didnt. my mom was in the building you know? she wasnt a teacher, but she showed her face at plenty of events - she was friends with the teachers. people knew who she was. there was no keeping secrets from my mom :P

second, remember that your daughter may be a powerful influence. its probably not common, but those kids of kids can be led to do right.... your daughter might not need to do anythig, but just by admiring her, they might have a change of ways. this isnt anything you push on your daughter - dont tell her this - dont tell her that she is an influence. :P just let her be friends with people - even the screwoffs.... perhaps theres more influence from her than you think.

as long as your daughter knows the rules, and knows the results of her actions if she breaks the rules, she should be fine. obviously, you do NOT have to let her do social activities if there are no adults involved - so always make sure there is an adult involved, perhaps even calling the parent. parents dont talk among themselves much anymore, and this is hurting our children. we parents need to communicate! dont just take any child's word for it - im not saying your daughter would lie, but we dont know that someone wont lie to her, you know?

and you yourself can 'host' activities for the kids to do. that way you KNOW there is an adult present. dont expect to interact with them, but just being there will help. if they like to bowl for example, you can sit somewhere else, or bowl a few lanes down, but dont expect them to want to bowl WITH you. if they do, great. :P

anyway, im kinda blabbing. but im sure your daughter will be fine - ease up on what kind of people she can hang out with cuz she will make smart decisions as long as your rules and responsibilities for her are followed through on and all of that..... :D good luck

I'm finding out the best thing to do with my daughter is listen more than talk. She seems to appreciate that more. My daughter also seems to have more guy friends than girl. The girls are clicky, backstabbing, more into outward appearances. Guys can be more laid back, friendly and fun. With my daughter she doesn't like what some of her girlfriends have turned into since becoming "teenagers". Her guy friends take her for who she is. Your daughter may be a positive influence to these guys as well. As long as she is being herself and keeping her good grades there shouldn't be too much to worry about. Start conversations and keep atuned by listening what's going on with her. With me, I've learned this is the age where things change with friends. I'm just glad my daughters have been strong enough to stay true to themselves and not go with the flow of peer pressure. Good luck - raising teenagers is a challenge. :-)