This isn't so much a question but seeking some support and positive advice. I just gave birth to my second child almost 3 months ago. It was the happiest day for my family we really feel this child completes us. We feel so blessed and everything has been going so well but recently we had a friend who experienced a devestating loss...her 3.5month old died in his sleep. They are ruling it SIDS. It is sooo upsetting--they are completely devestated as am I.
I know I am taking this harder because my child is so close in age but I can honestly not stop thinking about it. I am so scared --I find that I am withdrawing from my child a bit to ease my pain if this would happen to me. I know this is terrible but I can't stop thinking about it. Everytime I look at my baby I want to cry. I guess I have always known of the possibility of SIDS but I never knew anyone personally that it happened too. Now I do and I can't stop obsessing over it. I want to enjoy my child during this wonderful infant phase but I can't stop wishing his life away. I can't wait until he is past the age of worries...yet I know this is an impossible task as there is always something to worry about. Has anyone else had these worries? Does it keep you up at night the way it does me? What have you done to ease your worries to live life the way you should?
I don't have any advice because I have been there. I worried with my first and worry now with my second...it is a tough thing to go through :( I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in this!
You are having a completely natural reaction to this situation. Of course you are scared. Even those of us who don't know a child who has died wake up in the middle of the night afraid we'll find our child not breathing. That fear has understandably quadrupled for you.
Now you need to decide how you are going to respond. You've reacted in normal fear, now you need to respond in strength and faith. Pray over your child, pray for your friend, pray for the rest of your family (they are probably feeling the same way you are). Don't beat yourself if you get up 4 times a night to check on your baby. If you read all you can on how to prevent SIDS, that's fine. Hold your baby close for as much time as you need to. Time will ease this fear.
This is so tragic, my heart aches for all involved. I can certainly understand your feelings of building a wall, to help in case you have to face that pain yourself.
A young woman who lost her toddler girl in a drowning accident recently wrote a blog post on what she would have done differently. She said, she would take more photos, spend more time enjoying her daughter, but that overall she didn't have too many regrets because she cherished her little girl and loved her as much as she possibly could and showed her as much as she could every single day.
Just try and remember that. Heaven forbid, if something happened to your baby, you would have more pain knowing you purposely withheld special moments from her out of fear. Keep in there, be a comfort to your friend, but don't let that sadness take away the joy you and your baby deserve.
If you can't shake it, perhaps it would be beneficial to you and your family if you went to see a grief counselor who can help you.
What happened to your friend was a tradgedy and if it should happen to you it will be as well, but you can not stop living your life and loving your children out of fear for loosing them. If you allow this to take over your life then you will infact loose your child(ren) but in a worse way, where you can touch them, see them, smell them but not emotionally connect with them. Is that how you wish to live? Your job is to understand to the best of your ability what dangers there are so you can avoid them and better protect your loved ones from them, however if you are constantly wondering how/when someone is going to die then how are you enjoying thier life? Yes, I have had to take my son in at 1.5 yrs old for blood testing to see if he had leukemia then I also had to get a sweat test done to see if he had cystic fibrosis (sp) all in the same week along with a few other life threatening ilnesses and his possible death consumed my mind until we got the test results back and it was something we could live with and he would eventually grow out of. I get it, there are no tests to see if your child is at risk for SIDS because they really do not know what causes it, just like they do not know what causes other issues but you have to understand that your child needs you to be present in the HERE and NOW. Please seek out some assistance with your grief over this angel so you can be back to your sunshine today.
You are lucky to live in this day and age where we know what SIDS is. 50 or 60 years ago they would have looked in to this death and asked why you killed your child.
Children can be the most wonderful experience of your life OR the most painful experience of your life. It depends on you. If you worry about all the things that might happen, it will be a very painful experience.
Think about how much can be written on a single page of a book. Think about how much that page weighs. My son is in medical school and his books about the medicines that treat diseases weighs several POUNDS.
Now forget about the bad things that might happen to him and instead think about all the good things that might happen to him. You might have the privledge of raising the child that finds the cure for SIDS or cancer or becomes the politician that actually reduces wasteful government spending and starts wiping out the deficit. He might win the Nobel prize for literature or economics. Or he might just marry the girl of his dreams and together they might give you half a dozen grandkids that just think their grandma is the greatest grandma to ever live. That would be a "WOW!!!" experience.
You never really appreciate how sweet honey is until you've sucked a lemon. You've sucked the lemon. Now try the honey.
Good luck to you and yours.
I can so empathize. I miscarried a child in a previous relationship. When I found I was pregnant, which we were wanting, I was scared to death. I did as you are doing. For the first trimester, I would not bond or enjoy the pregnancy. I couldn't. It wasn't until after I had the 20 wk ultrasound that I started to feel better. So, I know what you are going through in that respect.
There are things you can do to prevent SIDS. Run a fan in the child's room. Circulated air helps prevent it. Make sure all toys are out of the crib. Don't put blankets in the crib. There is more. I would check the SIDS website.
This worry proves that you are a concerned and loving mom. Think of this though...no matter if you distance yourself or not, if something did happen, it would hurt the same no matter what. You would also have the guilt of distancing yourself. Don't let this tragedy that happened to your friend ruin this time with your child. Make the conscious decision to live every day to it's fullest FOR and WITH your child. This is what I have done for my little girl. I decided to make her childhood the best and happiest that I could. Now, she is one of the happiest 21 month olds I have ever seen. You will get through this! Find someone to confide in, a friend or family member or even go to a church. Message me if you would like...I would like a pen pal :-) As mothers, there will always be something we will be fearing for our children. It is our job. Good luck and God bless.
Your friend may want to find a support group.
Read up on SIDS and do what you can to prevent it. You can even get a electronic monitor if it will give your peace of mind. I know I was relieved when each of mine passed the age when SIDS was no longer an issue. But sooner or later you will have to accept that you can't control everything as a parent. It is hard sometimes. My first baby aspirated meuconium during delivery and was on a respirator for 10 days and in the hospital for 10 weeks. It took me at least a few weeks after he was off the respirator before I could relax and fully bond with him.
I know this is easier said than done but here it goes anyway:
Worrying never helps anything.
Really.
Think about it.
We all worry about our kids but they can fall & get hurt when we're holding their hands. You cannot *will* away bad things. And you can't predict it.
Support your friends.
This is my experiences and I am not saying this will happen to you. Hopefully I can help you with my story. Stop worrying, it wont help you and it isn't going to change what will or wont happen. I didn't worry with any of my kids. I lost a preg at 18 weeks and trust me future kids aren't helped or saved becasue you are up at night worrying.
10 years ago a good friend's son died from SIDS, my oldest was 6 months her son was 9 months old. After about a year that friendship ended becasue her and her hubby couldn't be around my daughter. I understood and tried doing things where my hubby would stay with my daughter and we walked at a park. As winter came and we couldn't get together as much as my daughter got older I couldn't get out as much and I think it was very difficult to be around her and I think knowing we had a child the same age was hard for them. I have her as a friend on Facebook and we tak some. She now has 2 daughters we just haven't been able to rebuild the friendship.
Hey-I remember having the same feelings when my children (7,6,4, and 15mo) were newborns. I would put the monitor in the crib, so that I could here them breathing. I knew that I was being irrational, but fear is very powerful. For me though I would remind myself that I was doing all that I could do to "prevent" SIDS like, giving them a nuk, putting on a fan in the room to keep air moving, keeping the room below 68deg., putting them to sleep on their backs, and breastfeeding. I reminded myself that SIDS is awful, but rare, and even though other people had to suffer through that, the odds of it happening to us was slim. I prayed and left it up to God.Enjoy your baby, love your baby. Chances are so much in your favor that this will never happen to you (God willing) and you don't want to regret all the time spent worrying. Good Luck!
I understand your worry, but as you said yourself, there is always something to worry about and it will never end. That being said, I think it is ok to acknowledge your worry and to do whatever you can to ease your anxiety. First, find out what the current recommendations are to prevent SIDS and follow them (I assume you have already done that). Second, find a way to keep the bad thoughts away. My husband has found the following helps him: When one of those nagging thoughts comes into your head, you say (or think) "touch wood" and you touch something wood. To make sure there is always something wood around he is wearing a bracelet with a wooden bead. He says that for him it acts like an emergency brake, instead of going deeper into the upsetting thought, he can stop the thought and refocus his thoughts on something more pleasant.
It may not necessarily work for you the exact same way but I think you can train yourself to let those scary thoughts pass instead on dwelling on them. The concept is similar to that of meditation where you learn to let your thoughts in but not holding on to them. Maybe your library has some books on meditation and how to use it ease anxiety.
My nephew died of SIDS when he was 3 mos old and I was 18. I had my daughter when I was 41 and I still checked her breathing when she was sleeping MANY times. It is easy to say "stop worrying" but very hard to stop. Please enjoy your baby every day, since the "age of worries" will never go away, the specific worries just change. I am mindful every day of enjoying and loving my daughter. We never know when the unexpected will happen, at any age, to any of us.
If your emotions begin to interfere with enjoying your life, you may want to speak with a counselor.
Along with what others have already posted, I would talk to your doctor about the possibility that you might have post-partum depression - obviously your friend has suffered a horrible tragedy and it hits close to home, but if you also have PPD, that could also be making it more difficult for you to cope and therefore prone to irrational thoughts and behavior. For the sake of your child who is very much alive and needs you, please see your doctor about this.
