Seeking Moms Advice - Englewood,NJ

Oh yeah, if he is not behaving no birthday party. He needs to know if he is not behaving he doesn't deserve a birthday party.

Unless you booked the party with the understanding that you would cancel it if he didn't behave in an acceptable, appropriate manner than you should not cancel the party. You can and should sit down and have a serious discussion with him about his behavior and try to get to the bottom of it. Tell him you are so frustrated that you thought about cancelling his party and tell him what you expect from him on a go-forward basis and let him know what the future consequences will be. Consistency and predicability (YOURS) are key to getting your kids to behave the way you want them to; if you do something unexpected and unpredicable like cancelling his party without any warning, you add another layer of chaos to his world and he will only act out more.

Hi M., I may be on my own with this but I would not cancel the party. The party is seperate from the issue at hand. It may appear as a consequence for his actions but his feelings (both now and what he'll feel in the future) must be considered. To me it feels harsh to have an exciting event gone in a second for an impulsive wrong choice.

My son had some of the same issues and as a child with ADHD he found it really hard to control his impulses. But in general I believe all kids at this age are impulsive and if caught, think they are being judged unfairly. It took awhile for my son to escape the radar that teachers keep disruptive kids under. He's involved now with all sorts of things that require him to ignore trouble makers and he has learned how great it is to feel praised for being attentive and following directions.

If the problem stems from one child that your son idolizes and follows than that is the issue to be addressed. That cannot go on although it is very real part of growing up for boys and girls. Sometimes a child feels that the consequences for bad behavior that involves another child can be "shared". He did this and I did that kind of thing. I believe this calls for a sit down, calm talk that clearly makes him understand that he is accountable for his actions; no matter who is involved.

If you feel compelled to make a choice between public school and private just consider that there will always be kids out there that your son will encounter that go to great lengths to test their limits. I feel it's best to stay where you are and let your son make the right moves rather than hope he will not have same issues in another school.

Don't cancel the party. It is too big of an event to punish him with while he is still learning to be himself and not just follow along.

All the best,
H.

As a former fifth grade teacher, I know exactly what you're going through! Don't cancel the party. You agreed to throw it for him, and you can't just randomly enact a consequence without a routine of enforcing the rules! You can, however, sit him down and have a very serious discussion about what will be occurring at the party. Define acceptable behaviors, and let him know exactly what will happen if he makes a poor choice.

And talk about different scenarios, in terms of choices his friends may make at the party. It's hard not to follow others, especially at his age. Give him advice without judgments (no nasty comments about his friends), and listen when he talks. Help him figure out what he can do, when his best friend does something rotten!

More than anything, fifth graders want to be heard. They need to feel understood, and they need to know you'll treat them fairly. And that you'll really listen! They also need clear, specific rules- and clear, specific consequences.

In terms of schooling, have you exhausted all your resources? Have you spoken with his teacher, principal, and school counselor? Have you sat in and observed his class? Have you created a written contract for him to follow, with rewards and consequences spelled out? Have you consistently followed through when he makes poor choices? Have you considered asking for a student study, to get the school's help in dealing with his behavior challenges? (This does not mean special education, as some may think. It just means a discussion!)

There are a lot of options for you to consider, before you remove him from his school!

Not many details, but I assume you have already spoken with the principal, school social worker and/or the psychologist. You have the right to request a Functional Behavioral Assessment that will help you and the school team find out what "consequences" and "outcomes" are reinforcing the acting-out behavior. Ideally there would be a behavior support plan put into place.

Pulling him out into a private school will likely cause two things. First, you aren't solving the problem behavior, just hoping that it's environmental. If your son tends to follow the negative behaviors of others then you need to work with him to find other behavior patterns. There are "bad kids" in private schools too! Second, private schools are under no obligation to educate your child. If he acts-out there (and he likely will) he will be asked to leave and you will find yourself in a worse situation.

Talk with the school psychologist... your son may need to be evaluated and supported more specifically. Changing locations is not likely to "fix it" in the long run. I just read the posting from the former teacher and as a school psychologist and special education administrator, I agree. Unless your son's behaviors are chronic, severe and educationally impacting (meaning he's failing) then you don't need to worry about Special Education at this time. Good luck-

I am surprised so many moms say not to cancel the party.. Might explain why so many kids now a days feel everything is owed to them and they act the way they do. If your son is acting out badly and not following the rules, getting bad grades, then as a parent it is our job to correct these things and punishment is the only way to show there is consequences for actions made no matter what they are, good, or bad. You can have the same punishment every time he breaks the rules, or whatever is most effective in getting him to listen, such as taking away video games for a few days or longer, no allowance that week, no friends over on a weekend..whatever is most effective or most desired at that time to your son. My children are younger and I don't think a time out in the corner for 11 minutes will work on your son! lol. But I have been known to throw out a toy,take away fun activities,like spending the night at a friends house,or saying no to b-day parties to go to and so on.. You don't specifically say what your son is doing, therefor I can not say if you should cancel the party. You should talk to him and give him a chance to act right. Acknowledge when he is doing what he should in school(doing his own work, ignoring that boy, good grades..whatever) and listen to his side. Maybe there are kids teasing and making it difficult for your son to be himself in school and that is why he follows that boy and does what he does. (thinking the other boy(or their actions)will help him gain popularity or respect. Kids are terribly cruel and it takes a toll. Another suggestion is maybe his teacher sucks. You could make an appointment to talk to him/her and see where that gets you. Or change his teacher and put him in another class. Sometimes that is all that is needed. (if it is only class issues you are having issues with) Good luck with everything!! And remember to really listen to what your son has to say, it might hold the clue to what the real problem is.

Hey M.,

I am going out on a limb on this one because yes, I am old school and have raised a 24 and 19 year old. I have been though the terrible teens and have seen what is ahead if you do not take control now. I would definitely cancel his party as a matter of fact I did it to my son for similar reasons. Punishment is not made to be convenient, or easy for anyone. He obviously knows what he is doing is wrong and has not considered how it has effected you or even how much his behavior has disrespected you. If you want him to get the message the send a strong message. I will not tolerate your behavior and this is what will happen when you do not listen. Why should he be rewarded with a fun day and presents when he does not deserve it, or has not earned it. Why should you spend your hard earned money when he has disregarded what you have tried to teach him. I would celebrate his birthday with just his family. You can take him for dinner to his favorite restaurant, have a cake and give him his presents from his family but NO FRIENDS, and NO PARTY he doesn't deserve it. When you punish you have to take away the things that will effect them the most you need to make impact now while he is young. Trust me if he is headed down the wrong path just talking and explaining the rules are not going to cut it. You have to be strong and stay involved, stay strong, and don't let this behavior go any further. I know this sounds tough, and even cruel, but our job is not to accommodate our kids it is to guide them, and teach them, and show them there are consequences to their actions. These are the times when being a parent is the hardest when they are going to hate you sometimes for your decisions. I am speaking from my own personal experience so please you have to make your own decisions and do what is best for you. Last week when I was out to dinner with my 24 year old son (who now works with troubled teens) he said to me mom I don't know how you survived me!! But you did good, and I am going to raise my kids the same way you did me. I though I would fall over because when he was a teen and gave me trouble I thought I was really doing a terrible job. Doing the job he does and identifying with some of the kids he works with was a real awakening for him. Bottom line, is I stuck with him, and never gave up as hard as it was and we got through the rough times. He still loves and respects me even though I canceled his party when he was 12. Good luck!!

Hi M.,

This is definetly not easy to do, but I would say cancel the party. That would get his attention. Tell him that there will be no party due to him not respecting you. If you decide to do this you MUST NOT cave in. You are the one in charge here not him. He must feel that he his the one in charge otherwise he would respect you. I have 6 kids and sometimes you have to be the tough one to keep order in the household. It won't be easy but that's what I would do. Good Luck! K.

My vote is no...don't cancel his birthday party..

I do think you should ask his teacher to keep this other kid and your son on different sides of the class room...or can your son be moved to another class?

Spend more alone time with him....talk to him, try to find out what is bothering him in school. Maybe through this you can make him understand that misbehaving isn't the road to go on.....

Make sure he is doing his homework...check it out along with his other school assignments. Talk to him about what he is learning at school...try making it interesting for him...

What is your boy interested in? Maybe if you get him involved in some physical activities...gets some constructive exercise, make some new friends with the same interests he'll be calmer at school...Call the local Y and see what's available for boys his age.

Don't cancel his party. The solution to his acting out is probably going to be a longer term one, so sudden actions like cancelling the party are just going to make it worse. You need some allies, like his teachers. They may have some ideas about what is going on - the idea that he is simply "following" another kid in the class, while it may be comforting, cannot be used as an excuse. He is responsible for his own actions no matter what other children are doing, and that will need to be your starting point.
Otherwise I can only support what Hannah said: use any and all recources available to you. There is help to be had for the asking.
Sometimes just establishing contact with the other adults in his life can help, since he knows you are all looking out for him, and interested in helping him act like the wonderful child he is inside.

are you willing to cancel Christmas too??? I have a son who is doing the same types of things...he actually stole an eraser from the book fair, and he found money on the floor of the school cafe and instead of turning it in he spent it!!! Hello!!! I was ready to have a stroke over here!! NOT, what we've been teaching for the last 10 years!! SO, I let him deal with the school's consequences and had a talk with him every day about how disappointed I was and so on...he's on a point system at home now...for everything he does right he earns points(different value for different things) at the end of the week he "cash's" his points in 1 point='s 1penny or 1 minute/video game time....amazing results over here! also, I went and picked him up some T-shirts ( because he needed them) and when I gave them to him he started to cry...he asked me why when he was behaving so poorly would I go buy him something? I told him what I'm telling you...just because you don't do what you should all the time doesn't mean I love you less...don't cancel the party...maybe tell him you're thinking about it, so he understands how upset you are, but then tell him how much you love him and what you expect of him(for the billionth time) and give him consequences...my son was hanging around with a "bad kid" last year and when that boy disrespected me...he ended the relationship...he said if you can't treat my mother with respect then you can't be my friend...this "friend" will go too far and your son will figure it out, just keep up the positive at home and the expectations...he'll come around!!!

Hi M.,
I'm sorry that you're having behavioral problems with your son. I would not cancel his birthday party at the last minute - if you mean he's been doing various behaviors over time, this isn't the way that I'd teach a lesson, espeically for ongoing behavior. I'd only do that for some huge behavior issue that happened yesterday like taking a weapon to school. Remember that not only was he promised the party, but his guests may have turned down other plans to be there, the parents have scheduled their busy weekend day around getting their kids to your son's party.
I would suggest putting a behavior plan with expectations, rules and consequences and be very consistent in enforcing it. Get his teacher, school counselor or a private counselor to assist you.
If you're really unhappy with his behavior and feel like maybe he does not deserve the party, my suggestion would be to go ahead with it, but tell him that he must earn his presents through good behavior and for each week that he gets a certain percent on the behavioral plan, he will get to have one of his gifts.
Good luck

Have the party and let him enjoy it. I hope it goes well -- it must be today. Bowling is a good activity. Perhaps you can set up the groups so he is not in the same group as the kid hes following around. Then take time another day to talk about your concerns. Try to stay calm and use "I" statements -- I'm concerned that your behavior has changed; I love you and I want you to be your best, etc. Have the teachers commented? Perhaps you could meet with his teachers and get specifics. Then sit with your son and see if he can explain them. Perhaps he's bored, perhaps he's ignored if the class is too large, or perhaps he's struggling and this is a way to get attention. Set up rewards for good behavior in school and consequences for inappropriate behavior. They can be as simple as extra play time or a trip to McDonalds, and on the minus side, having to write an apology to his teacher.Try to stay calm, even though this is a very hard thing to do; emotions tend to get in the way and kids know the right buttons to push to et us to show them.

Private school is an investment, especially these days. To transfer your son to one is a process that for many schools actually began in the fall. Parochial school is another option, and those registrations are usually around now. But you need to know what your son's needs are as you look around. My 3 children attended private schools for different reasons, and one returned to public school for the extra help our district could provide her.
You can still control your son's after school access to the child he is following around. Find ways to reward him when he has a good day and does what he's supposed to at home. Find some out-of-school activities for him that he would like to try. One of our children who struggled in the classroom had a chance to shine on the playing fields.
Good luck -- keep trying till you find what works for you and your son.

M.,
I wouldn't cancel the party, something is causing him to act out and you need to find the root out. Think about this, is he acting out at home as well? How about talking to his teacher and principal and maybe even the school social worker. For all you know someone may be picking on him and at this age they start to keep things to themselves, unless you have my youngest who tells me EVERYTHING, but he is an exception and the only one of 5 to do this. Think about when this started and what was going on prior to and at that time, sometimes it is a pet passing away, a friend moving, in this economy family financial problems, arguing at home, death in the family, etc., etc. Let me know how you make out.
Hugs,
T.