Seeking Moms Who Are Primary Breadwinner Yet Also Do the Majority of Childcare

Read the book "The Second Shift" by Arlie Russell Hochschild with Anne Machung. This book is about research done on just what you are talking about. You are so not alone! I'm not done with the book yet, I'm hoping for some good advice at the end. Sincerely, B.

Thanks for the post and the opportunity to read the other responses. I hope they were helpful. Don't let yourself be locked in by the golden handcuffs of your job. If you like your situation stay, if you don't then save up some money and stay home. One of the best things we have in our lives is choice.

One of my church leaders gave me the best marriage advice I have ever received. You should both feel like you are doing 60% of the work, then you are probably sharing your burdens equally.

Good luck.

I do feel for you as i am in a similar situation i work full time and my husband was laid off in June and has not worked since then. the unemployment has stopped and an extension was not granted for him. so me being the only one bring in money is really getting to me and have found it very difficlut on ways to tell him to get off his behind and get a job. he stay home with the kids but as soon as i get home he expects me to take them because he had to "deal" with them all day. it is very frustrating! i was laid off last year in April and was able to spend 2 months at home before i found another full time job. i did enjoy my kids and loved being with them all day but after working full time for so many year i found my self wishing i had the adult interaction. it gave me a very good perspective on the life of a stay at home mom and give them so much more credit becasue there is no way i would be able to handle it. i do have some resentment towards my husband becasue he is not contributing but i have recently sat down with him and talked about my/our issues. Communication is the key. what i learned is that my husband was feeling the same way i was but for the fact that he was not contributing and that we were bearly getting by. he has since started putting more effort into find full time work and in turn will give me an hour when i get home to do whatever i need to get done whether it is getting to take a long hot bath by myself or just veg and watch some tv before he asks me to start helping him with the kids, cleaning or cooking. it has token some of the resentment away and hopefully once he is making some money i will not feel so stressed all the time. good luck and thank you for posting as i now feel i am not alone and lookforward to reading all the posts.

P.,

I see that you have already recieved a lot of responses, and admittedly I have not read them. But I wanted to say this...I have a very simmialr situation to you and yes, I too feel frustrated sometimes. But here's what I have come to understand and appreciate about my relationship with my husband...we parent really well together. We are a team and we back eachother and we have two awesome kids together. My parents had a more equal parenting/work breakdown, but their parenting styles were on opposite spectrums of eachother and it casued great conflict and frsutration between them. My suggestion to you would be to stop comparing "yours" and "his" -- jobs, income, free time, etc and begin instead to think about what is important to you as a big picture.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, but if you'd like to talk more I'd be happy to...jsut send me a message.

Good luck.

M

I too make more money than my husband as he works part time. He is the primary caregiver for my 3 month old daughter because he doesn't work much due to the economy. But... I feel resentful that he expects me to make the money, pay for everything, and take care of our daughter so he can have free time. I hardly ever get free time and he feels he should have it every day. Well so do I but I don't sacrafice my time with my daughter or work to do it. I understand your frustration and he should be grateful that you take care of so much. I don't have an answer on how I deal with it I just do. I am grateful he is there for our daughter but he often ignores her to do his own thing and that worries me. I know he loves her he just wants his time alone and that is difficult to do when you are a new parent. Maybe it will get better if we talk to our spouses and in the mean time deal with the inequality ourselves.

L.

i think he shouldn't be competetive,why doesn't he cut down on hours-you're better paid per hour.i know 3 mothers whose husbands do more childrearing because of the practicalities involved.having children and raising them is a joint job and takes a team effort.i'm a single mom and sometimes paid most of my salary for babysitting-staying at home was not an option-or being on welfare.it was difficult-also not having the emotional and caring support-more for my daughter than for myself.if the nanny earns more than you do per hour-that's when i would stay at home.some people also live from one salary and i think that's better for the children if you can afford it and want it.good luck!

Balancing two careers and children is very very difficult. I have a couple of suggestions. 1) counseling to talk about your feelings (either for you alone and/or both of you). It seems like you have a lot of feelings that you either aren't expressing or that he isn't hearing. Your marriage is really in danger. 2) Find tasks that you don't want to do to get rid of. It sounds like you have childcare taken care of and that you don't want to give up what time you have with them. So, something else has to give. Maybe you don't want to do grocery shopping? Or meal prep... Make a list of all the household chores. Think of your least favorite chores and find another way to get them done. Maybe your husband wouldn't mind those chores so much or there are other options.

It sounds like the primary issue here is not how much $ your husband is bringing in, but feeling like you are not making equal efforts to contribute to the household. Effort is not measured in terms of money earned (just ask a stay at home mom), but rather in time and exhaustion.

Try to refocus this dispute into the most helpful terms for both of you, so that you all get what you need. If he is sensitive about his salary, stop poking him about it. (Think of it in different terms: would it help you lose weight if he pointed out to you that you could lose a few pounds?) Is your goal to hurt him, rather than to solve the problem? Besides, would you be happy with him not working? It sounds like the $ issue is more about you feeling like you work harder for your family than he does. That deserves some objective evaluation.

Good luck, this really is the hardest part of being married.

Hi P.! I am in a similar situation, with 2 boys - ages 2 and almost 4 (Baby #3 due next month). Fortunately, my husband doesn't make it an issue that I earn more than him - I think he's really good as seeing it as "our money." We both work full time. However, I do get frustrated at times, thinking I get stuck with some of the harder parenting jobs, but I try to imagine doing it without my husband, and I realize how much he does help, even if it's in a different way than my parenting. I know I couldn't do it without him.
That being said, I also need to take "me time" every once in a while - hanging out with friends, doing scrapbooking away from the house for a night or even a weekend, or just getting a haircut without any interruptions. A little time away can do wonders for the psyche! Even better, if your nanny is available for weekend jobs, plan a quick getaway with your husband. One night away (2-3 is even better!) might let you reconnect with your husband in a way you didn't realize was so needed. We get so busy as working parents, that we forget to take care of the relationship that created this beautiful family.
Take some time away from the kids to communicate your feelings well to each other. Sometimes my husband and I just need to know that we are appreciated by the other in order to feel better and less resentful toward each other. Maybe outline some areas where he could be a big help. (When our 2nd was born, it was really hard for me to nurse the baby, dress the older one, make the bed and get out of the house on time. I mentioned it one day - in frustration - and my husband has made the bed ever since. He knows he will be on clothes duty once the new one arrives. What a difference some little changes can make!)
You are right about counting our blessings in such economic times, but parenting is a hard job no matter how you look at it. You sound like you are doing a great job balancing everything and being a wonderful parent to your girls. Good luck!!

I cant say I was the primary bread winner. However I worked, took care of the house, children, and finances. Yes, I did regret it at times, but children are not a chore, although they do require alot of work and attention. If your husband is working so many hours during the week trying to out earn you he needs to get over it. It doesn't make him any less of a man. If you are both home on the weekends then be thankful for that. Be thankful for the jobs you have. And like one of the other advice's said. Being single would be much harder on both of you, and especially your children. Everyone needs a short break once in a while. Take it before you do something you regrett, and love your family. N.

I totally understand how it feels to want some time to yourself. I am a stay at home mom, so when 2 of the 3 children are not in school, they are with me. So you see, that's all the time. You are very fortunate to be working right now when so many are not. As women so often we want it all, but you do have to appreciate your husband's drive. I'm sure he appreciates you. Rather than leaving them with the nanny any additional time. Why not have him watch them for a couple of hours on the weekend or every other weekend so can have some time for you. I'm sure you'll get lots of responses and will find some balance good luck.

Hi P., this response is more to sympathize than to offer a suggestion of how to fix this (useless, I know :)). I, too, make more money and both my husband and I have advanced professional degrees. I am currently at home but will likely have to go back to work soon since my job is more stable. While my husband is also very supportive he definitely does much less childcare than me and then expects to be told thank you for what is done (do I get a thank you every day for the additional 4 million things I do??). I think in "modern" relationships there is still that gender role thing to contend with. We just have to COMMUNICATE all the time, where I have to just say, "Ok, you need to do this now" and he will do it. I think otherwise he will take it as I'm handling it and he is off the hook. So I would suggest - ASK and if he doesn't pitch in then you have something to bring to the table as an issue between you....hope this kind of helps. It also doesn't help that society rewards the tiny things husbands do in huge ways whereas mothers are expected to be superwoman. For instance, when my husband walks our daughter around the block he gets stopped by about 10 women telling him how wonderful he is and what a great and attentive father. How many people have stopped you to tell you that? haha. :) Good luck!

P.,
I too am the major bread-winner in our little family. I have a 45 minute commute and no flex time so (and I know you have probably already thought of this) be thankful for little things sometimes. When I am home my baby girl wants me and only me. So I don't get very much time to myself. She will scream for me if she knows I'm in the house. And on the weekends I am the primary care-giver. I have to ask my hubby to do anything with our child. It has always been this way. I think it stems from the first days of bringing her home. I was the only one who could feed her (I breast fed), and since I was up in the middle of the night I changed the diapers too. So I was doing it all. And it was difficult to break that routine. Since my hubby had to go back to work he couldn't go to all the doctor appointments either. So I was looked to for answers as to what to feed her when she started solids, how to do this, and when to do that, etc.

I am lucky that my husband cooks, so that is one less thing to worry about. He gets home at 4:30 and our daycare provider (my mom) brings our daughter home about 5:45, so he gets time to himself every single day (which he so does not appreciate in my opinion). Then when I get home and take over looking after her, my hubby fixes dinner. Then I clean up, give my kid a bath, and put her to bed. THEN I get time to myself. I feel bad asking my mom to take my baby for longer because she is doing it for free. I don't want to take advantage of her.

I have tried talking to my husband about all this. And actually it has helped. He doesn't care that I earn more than him, so for us that isn't an issue. But he has begun asking to carry our baby when shopping or going in and out of restaurants. Its a small step but it shows me he is listening. After 4.5 years I don't think it will be overnight to change your man's behavior. He has been acting like this for a long time so it will take time. Don't think of it as nagging. I'm in Marketing and we always say that it takes at least 9 times to hear or see a message before a consumer will act. Think of it as advertising your message. Try different mediums, not just talking. Write a letter, send him a postcard, make it fun, not nagging. I hope this helps!

Hi don't have much time right now but did want to say hi. I think I am in an even trickier situation.....I have invested well(so far, you never know what is going to happen) and bring home quite a healthy income without working. I also do most of the childcare and cleaning and organizing and all of the thinking about the future. My husband last year worked very hard in his own business as a contractor,but because of mismanagement in the end made only $3000, and brought home $33000.00 in debt. Not sure what I am going to do but have to do something cause it is a recurring theme with us.
Big thing about what I hear with you is you need time to yourself. I understand that. Seems like somehow he has to make more time for childcare to give you that break. If his extra work time doesn't result in income then he has to compromise and be home more with your little ones. (Maybe even if it does result in more income!) It sounds like you haven't come to a working agreement about the business of life and raising a family that feels fair to both of you, and until you do there will be undercurrents. I agree with your assessment that your kids need more time with their parents, less with their nanny.If you would like to email further,I am at ____@____.com
P.

Welcome to the wonderful world of the modern woman--we work more, we make more money, we cook, clean, look after the children, and pick up after our husbands. Not to say that we have to just take it, but these are the sacrifices we make in order to have what we have. Unfortunately, very few of us have an "equal" partnership. I choose not to have a nanny because at the end of a long workday, even when I'm beat and just want to go to sleep instead of cooking dinner and cleaning the house, I want that time with my daughter. It's something I know I can't get back. And I choose not to quit my job (which you already know most people don't have your flexibility and pay) because I am the primary breadwinner and that wouldn't make sense. I choose to work like I do to lead a decent lifestyle instead of living from check to check and worrying about how to pay the bills. So all in all, would I want to stay home and STILL do more, stress about finances, and look after my husband because I would be a "homemaker"? I wouldn't trade what I have in a million years. Cherish your time with your children as you know it is sparse, work hard to provide for your family, and your husband's resentment will have to be his problem because you've got enough on your mind :) God bless us women!

P., it was some what encouraging to read your situations. I am in a similar situation and struggle just the same, so it is comforting to know I am not the only one facing this. I struggle with balancing time with my child and husband, my career, chores and me time. It doesn't always work and I find myself frustarated at my husband. He does try but in all honesty it is not enough. He still manages to find a few hours out of the day to play on-line games and watch movies. I on the other hand do not have time for this. I wake up at 5:15 and do not stop until 11 at night. If he could just take some initiative in getting things done rather than me "nagging" i think we would be better off. So, I just vented and don't really have much advice(sorry!). I do try to discuss this with my husband with out accussing and we have made some progress but this will always be a work in progress.
Best of luck and you are not alone!
A.

I am in the same place as you are, except that we cannot afford a nanny, so it is all me. It caused a lot of fighting for a long time, but now my husband has stepped up and is helping more at home and with the kids. He gave up some of his extras (bowling, going back to school) to spend more time with our family. He also only works one day on the weekends now, so that we have a family day. As the kids get older, he will go back to other things, but for now he is putting his family first. It was a long time coming though.

I don't mean to sound rude, but count your blessings! (In the nicest way possible)
You nailed it when you said things could be a lot worse off! You live only one life, enjoy your short time when your kids are young. As for who makes more, do you really care? I have friends who hate that they have to explain why they need $50 for a new purse, and feel like he makes all the important money moves. Then their is me who can't get help with money or the kids!
I would say that while you do deserve help and you time you should understand your kids will only be young for a short time, you can have you time when they are in collage!

I'm not in your situation re job/finances, but I think that many working women fall into the category of doing more, because a) we think we have to, and b) men just think about parenting/managing the home in different terms than we do.

Since men think differently, sometimes we have to be really clear about our needs, spelling out exactly what we want them to do. For example, even though my husband leaves for work at 4am and sometimes doesn't get home until 7:30, if I ask him to clean up the dishes from dinner, he will.

(But mind you, when I woke up this morning, he had forgotten to start the dishwasher :-) I also had to wipe off the counter.)

With all of the above said, do you think it is possible for you to let go and let him do it all on the weekends you have mentioned are more like 50/50?

No, I can not completly relate. I do hope you find balance with your relationship with your husband and as a working mom. I am currently a stay at home mom. I was surprised at how hard I found the transition from working to not. I know I have heard the 'being a mom is a job', but I don't feel that way. A job is something you clock out from, being a mom is something I do because it is what I do. I am not being paid and there is no vacation. My husband and I, after over a year of being parents, agreed that for our sanity and our ability to be the best person we can for our son we need some 'off' time. We now schedule an hour for each of us during the week to do whatever we want. We can close the door to the office and email friends, watch TV, leave the house, whatever we choose. That has been our best gift to eachother. We also joined a gym for our health as a gift to ourselves and our family. I would like to say that these first years go quickly and what they roll into is our children's indepedence from us. They will soon look to their friends for comfort and constant companionship and we will then be asking for a different kind of 'mom time' with them! As they get older we will have more time for ourselves. I tend to think of this time as my gift to them because I will not be able to go backwards and regive this time when wanted it from me. I look forward to seeing my children strong and independent and knowing, even when they don't, that it was my nurturing time that made them that way. Balance, my friend, balance and enjoy the time now! I hope you can get your husband on board with a view on balancing parenting, working and marriage. I think it is something a lot of us are striving for and I wish you the best.

I am also the primary breadwinner, however our family would not sustain on any one of our incomes, it takes the both of us, working full time-plus, to keep us afloat in a modest lifestyle, for example, only able to own a 2 bedroom condo versus buying a family home. We have one child. Can't have more, can't afford more. The idea of having a Nanny is such an extravagant luxury to me that I can't even imagine how much easier my life would be if I could have one myself. My child attends full time daycare at his public school, and is left there at 6:30 in the morning and picked up at 6:00 at night, 5 days a week.
Despite being the dominant income (75%), I also am the primary, and sometimes sole housekeeper and child care provider in our home. Not because of my husband's work schedule, but because of his misaligned assumptions that because this is what he saw growing up in his home where mom stayed home and dad worked, that this is what he should expect in his home too.
Bitter? You bet!
My advice? If you can afford a Nanny, you can afford a lot of things.
Hire a maid to do the housework once a week so that your weekends are free of the dreadful, Saturday "cleaning day" and you can instead take an afternoon to yourself. Or, hire a Nanny who also cleans during the day or prepares the family's evening meal, and pay that person a little more for handling these extra things. Hire a gardner, and have groceries delivered by ordering them on-line (peapod.com, safeway.com, etc.).
It also sounds like you leaving your job actually is a viable option for you. This means that your husband, despite making less than you, must make enough to sustain the family, or you wouldn't be considering this. With this in mind, I have to ask... You do realize this isn't the case for everyone, right?
My advice: Ask yourself - How much does one family really need? Can you downsize your house, drive less expensive cars, wear Walmart clothes and payless shoe source shoes, and only buy toys for the children at birthdays and Christmas? Do you need 9,000 cable channels? Do you need a DSL connection for every computer in the house? Do you even need more than 1 computer in the house? Must you have a Palm Pilot, Ipod, and a GPS system? Must the kids wear Gap and must the accessories be Baby Bjorn? Really? Must they? Why?
Sorry if I sound cynical. It was just hard for me to empathize when I live under the same frustrating circumstances that you do, in terms of ever-increasing resentment towards hubby and an unceasing sense of mental, physical and spiritual exhaustion... but I live this with absolutely no options to escape them. No nanny, no ability to even consider stopping work.
Sister, I love you... but suck it up. Be grateful, stop whining, and make a decision. Decide what's important to YOU, and prioritize it above everything else. Let go of the things that are not important, and USE the resources you have to support you in what you need.

Hi. I am not exactly in the same situation, as my hubby and I earn about 50/50, but we both work flexible schedules...However, in general, i understand where you're coming from.. Because we chose AP style of parenting, which involves co-sleeping and breastfeeding past 1 yr, i get NO 'me' time, while i let him take days/nights off now and again...he went to a few parties without me, a skiing trip, etc...while since our baby was born i've been away from her *outside of work* for no more than 2-3 hrs...And i do get resentful too. Even if it's my/our choice. So some of the things i did: suggested we hire professional cleaners to clean our house once every 2 weeks. Less work for us - more time to enjoy together. Now I ask our nanny to do some cooking *you can hire someone to come in and cook*. I feel that because we work and bring home $$$, we can afford to hire some help to do chores around the house so we can concentrate more on ourselves and our families.

hope that helps,
-J.

Hi P.,

I haven't looked at the other responses yet but I bet you are going to get a mixed bag. heehee I share your situation. In addition, I work from home and my husband frequently seems to belittle my work - which frustrates the He** out of me to say the least. I go into the office one day a week and on that day, I relish the time spent with other adults, the chance to get dressed up, etc. Recently, I have made small adjustments to my schedule on this day so I can take time to get to the gym or get my toes done on a lunch hour. Other than that, I am thankful that I have a job I love that not only offers the majority of support for my family, but also allows me to be as close as possible to my little one. In terms of chores/errands, let them go and share them with the hub. Communication is key. Instead of using the lunch hour to get chores done, take the time you need for yourself because that is likely your only chance. Tell your husband what you need him to stop for on his way home from work. I understand you are frustrated; believe me, I understand. As much as you can, focus on your many blessings and spend as much time as you can with your little one. Take good care.

Hi P.,
I am the primary breadwinner in my family. I also am a full time mother. I work 7 days a month, and yes, I am very lucky to have a job that pays so well and still able to be a full time mom. I don't have a nanny, no family living near by and we haven't had alone time in 4 years. I love being a full time mom and I think our daughter has reaped the benefits of having a parent taking care of her at all times. My husband loves being a part time dad, I think he would be a full time dad if I didn't want to be a full time mom. I do sometimes feel like I have 2 jobs and he has 1 but that is how we worked things out. You have a harder job having 2 kids! Please email me if you want more info. I think it is great to be so blessed!
L. H

Yes he is right about nanny time

i totally understand where you are coming from. i am a college professor, who makes most of the money and has made my schedule so i can be home during the day with my 7 month old daughter. At first, my husband was watching her at night when he came home from work, but in september he quit his job so he's home with us now. It's really hard! Even though he's home with us, i still feel like i am doing everything. Some of it is my stuff, my inability to demand that he watch her so i can do something for myself. This is what I am working on, and suggest you do the same! As working moms, getting time to replenish ourselves is crucial to having our families go well. Someone once told me, if things are good with mom, then things are good with everybody! your kids want to be around a happy mom, not a resentful one. I am going to work really h*** o* putting myself first more. I dont think it'll hurt my daughter, it only make the time with her better.

Dear P.,

Maybe my answer won't apply because when I did work (I am disabled now) I was not the primary breadwinner. However, I did feel I had two jobs, one at work full time and then only to come home and do another 8 to 10 hour full time job with the household chores, meals, shopping, homework and if I was lucky time with the kids and husband, only to find that the clock told me the next morning at 5 a.m. I had to get up and do it all over again. It was extremely stressful.

I have to say it was hard not to get resentful at the fact that when my husband came home, he was able to sit down on the couch and watch tv, while he also watched me run around like a chicken with my head cut off. There were even days when he would complain that the house was a mess and how could it get that way. Then the arguements would ensue.

But that was the extent of the resentment. It was the fact that I could not get help at home. As far as the income, I don't think you should resent the fact that you pay for more of the things to run the home. It could easily be the other way around. It was that way for me and my husband. Even tho he didn't do much at home to help, he never resented the fact that he paid for the majority of the things to run the household. That was part of his job. Yes, he did come home to relax and you are not able to and sometimes men think that because they are the breadwinners they are entitled to do that. Unfortunately women in the same position with children are not able to, and it will still take time to change that thinking in our mens minds, and I think it starts in the homes that they are raised in.

But alas, we are all dealt our lots in life and I think you should be thankful that you both have jobs and you are doing well. Yes, you do not have much time for yourself. I did not either. Not until after the kids were in bed was I able to sneak some time away for a bath, a good book or some quiet time.

But thats where it comes back to the fact that again, we all have to live with the hand we are dealt and deal with it accordingly. The only other thing I can say is time goes by so quickly and before you know it your kids will be grown. It truly does go by in the blink of an eye. My kids are all adults now and I am a grandma. It is incredible looking back at how fast it happened. You must cherish every moment and spend as much time as possible with your kids. I pray you are able to get this point across to your husband, that even though you both work, the clock is ticking, your children are growing right before your eyes and one day when you want to spend that precious time with them, they will be running off with their friends and have no time to spend with you. But also remember that your kids will understand that mama needs a break once in a while and that it is ok to do so during the day or evening and take a bath or something that pleases you and is just for you.

Excuse me for running on and on. I just think life is too short for holding on to resentment or being bitter. Look at your life and situation as a blessing and find the time to spend as a family and make some time for yourself too. It is ok. I hope I made sense and did not offend you. I did not mean to at all. Sometimes with my illness I have trouble making sense, I hope I did. What I said I meant in love.

Sincerely,

B. T.

Hi P., yes, you and your family are all very blessed to have your two incomes to provide for all that you choose to do. That said, you are absolutely right (in my opinion) it seems to me that we women tend to do more in the mothering department and the house department than our men do...but I say it's all about balance and education. Do we think that when our guys do housework or take the kids that they are "helping us out"...? Because that means we have ownership in that particular area. We have to all adjust to mutually sharing the childrearing and household tasks on an equal opportunity basis.

It also seems the income is an issue. I say just be grateful you have the incomes that you do, count your blessings, and stop equating total monetary income with personal worth. You are a family, you are a team with your husband. Be each other's best cheering sections. Say what you need and what you want. Listen to him say what he needs and wants. Meet in the middle.

And why can't your Nanny take the kids for an extra 45 min 3x a week so you can do your workouts? Having a little space for personal sanity does wonders for having patience for your little ones. Maybe you also want to get a housekeeper, so there are fewer household chores to do on weekends. Perhaps you can cut an expense somewhere to create the monetary outlay for the extra nanny time and the housekeeper time. It's priorities.

Love your life and give thanks. Strive for balance.

I was in the same boat -- in spite of the fact that we went to counseling while I was pregnant and laid out a plan for how we would handle the child care 50-50. It never happened. Even before the baby was born, he threw himself into work with a vengeance. (What Melanie says about men needing to feel like the provider is so true; I think that kicks in for them the way the nesting instinct does for women when we become parents.) Unfortunately, all that work didn't bring in any more income, it just meant he was gone all the time, and that he completely ignored the childcare guidelines we had so carefully worked out. I got so sick of bringing home most of the bacon AND being the one to fry it up, with a toddler clinging to my leg the whole time, while he was always off working and bringing in a pittance. For us, what ultimately worked was a lot of talking and a commitment that every other Saturday afternoon is "daddy time." We deliberately don't call it mom's time off because that emphasizes to all of us that it is special time daddy sets aside to spend just with the kids, rather than time mom sets aside to NOT be with them. Of course, he often does still need to work on those days (his work is itinerant and when a job comes he has to take it) but we have agreed that Daddy Saturdays are sacred and if he can't do it he'll make up for it with equivalent time later. A couple of times now this has resulted in my getting an entire weekend all to myself! It's a bittersweet victory because I usually spend more than half the time missing them, but in a way that's good too; when you realize you miss someone you see their value and appreciate them more. We've both come to realize that I really need a little chunk of time just for me on a regular basis, and we all benefit from it.

I hope you find something that works for you too. Counselling might be a good way to respectfully figure it out. Good luck!

P.,
I would be glad that you make as much as you do. I myself have had to go back to school at the age of 39. I can no longer stand to work where I do, but have to because we need the money. People can be so mean and forget that those of us who are providing a service to them are people also. Don't they get that yelling at us over nothing is causing more undue stress? Anyway, maybe you could cut your hours back so you won't be out earning him and have more time with your kids. And by the way, even if you don't work, you will still feel guilty for have time for yourself. Even when you really do deserve it. Don't forget that kids live and expect there lives to be what they saw growing up. If you don't take time for yourself, they won't either, and for sanity reasons it's a must.
W. M.

Hi P.:
I always wondered if there were more women out there as you and me. I see there are. I read your email and some of the responses you received and I hear that "communication" is supposedly key to all of us. But what I think I am hearing from you is that you wonder why your husband believes he is giving his fair share but you see and feel that you are giving more in every way. The choice you are trying to make has many paths and each one comes with its own bumps in the road and thorns on every side. The decision then comes down to which one will you take no matter how painful it is because trust me, they all have something to make you think.
My situation began a bit like yours, changed dramatically when my 2nd child was born with my current boyfriend, and has not gotten on the right path even still. We both worked when we met, me in the private sector, him a sole owner of an alarm company. Then, his business began to fail due to the changing economic woes and he had to shut the doors. Our son was born in 2006 and has serious medical problems so the choice was "who should stay home to care". Upon figuring that it was easier to get me back to work since my job was still there after maternity leave, I went thinking he would become "stay-at-home-DAD" instead of "Mom" but it would be the same as if the woman stayed at home. WRONG-O MARY-LOU(as the saying goes)
Even having him home all day watching over our son, as soon as I get home every evening after 8 hrs of work, all of a sudden "poof" he is no where to be found around the house. He says he is giving me time to "bond" with my son but it almost feels like he is just the "nanny" and as soon as I am home, stops all childcare. The weekends are mostly me caring for our son too.
In other words, we may be together, but when it really comes down to it, I feel I am the single parent wage earner.
I see you headed down towards this path and I'm deeply sorry because it is a hard path to be on. The biggest thing to try to overcome is the fear of having to do things more by yourself knowing that there is a capable person right next to you who may/may not be willing to support you and still being together. You almost end up living in two worlds all at once. One where you are the sole provider/childcare worker/homemaker(cleaning, etc) and no time for you yet at the same time you have someone by your side/once in awhile gives a little to you to curb your sanity/tells you he is there/but all the while you don't feel 100% sure.
Right now it sounds as if you are the more stable wage earner and your husband may have a bit of resentment because if he is like my boyfriend, to not be making the $$ or more than me he feels wronged from the world. But, in my case, he made some of the choices that led him down the path he is on. Unfortunately, putting his path with mine leads me down it too and there are more bumps and thorns than I expected.
If you do have the communication in your relationship that everyone talks about, use it now and get down the nitty gritty feelings out all about everything and don't expect anything to change right away. There will be denial, resentment, anger, because he feels he is doing more than enough for you yet you are not telling him so (although in reality he probably is not doing as much) but to explain your feelings to a man who feels differently than women is a tough thing. I haven't found one yet that really listens when we say what is bothering us.
For me, since I appear to be babbling on and not giving you any real advice, all I can say is I made my path choice to do everything as a "single parent" but still live in the "relationship".
The choice is and always will be only yours to make. If you feel you can handle continuing in the path you are currently on, follow it and see where you go. But if you feel there are already too many bumps and thorns and you are too hurt to continue, take another path and see what happens. Either way, your children need you more than they don't so on any choice, they come first. Decide what your fears are and if they can be conquered solely by you or if you need the support of your husband. If so, get him to see your pain now before it gets out of control.
stay strong in your heart and it will lead you.
I believe you know what path you are beginning to take...
Good luck

T.

Would your job allow you o telecommute one day per week, work a schedule where you get every other Friday off or work 4 ten hour days?

Can your husband try any of these ideas?

Hi P.,

My situation is similar to yours: I'm also a working mom, with pretty good flexibility, but with a professional degree, long hours (8-6, with a 45min commute) and lots of responsiblity. My husband is also a working professional, works much longer hours than me, but is the primary breadwinner,unlike your case. However, at home, I'm doing most of the baby care and housework, and I'm wearing myself out sometimes... but I've had many many hours of thinking about whether or not working is fair to my son, my husband, and to me and even though I could stop working, I feel like my career is also important to me and really defines a large part of who I am. If this is the case for you, I would encourage you to still work, but maybe try to even cut down on even more hours to spend more time with your children.

You should have a long talk with your husband and try to come up with some kind of compromise... If you're lucky enough to still keep your job, but work less (even for less pay), you can take that time and make it personal time for yourself - not your children or job. That way, you can try to feel less resentful towards your husband and just life in general. Spending time with your hobbies one or two days a month or a few hours a week may really help. If you can't take more time off work, seriously consider having the nanny take care of the children just a little more, to afford you some personal time. Children are very perceptive, and a happy mom who spends just a little less time with them is much better than a slightly unhappy, resentful mom who is too tired to enjoy their time together.

As for your husbands job/ambition, I would say that it's tough to try to change someone else, even if it is your husband. Even though he may not make as much as you, if he's passionate about it, that means it's important to him. I've learned that we can't change others, we can only change ourselves and how we perceive the outside world around us.

Hope this helps...

Hi P.,
I know you've gottan some great responses, but I just wanted to add that you are not alone. My husband and I are in simular situations (where I make far more than he) and I also feel like I do more than "my share" around the house. But I once read an article in a parenting magazine of some kind that was about a singal mom. And long story short it made me re-consider my feelings of jelousy/anger/emotions with my husband and him "not doing enough" You (and I) are better off than most just by having a loving father and husband at home with us every night. I know there are times when we feel overworked, but just remember that it could be FAR worse. Everytime I feel like I wanna give up, all I have to do is look at her face when she smiles back at me and I forget all my whoas. And don't be afraid to ASK for help... keep up the good work and kids are so precious, enjoy everyday with them as if it was your last.

Dear P.,
I've been a single mom for a long time, so I know how it feels to never have enough hours in a day or week or even month to get everything done. It's just kind of a fact of life.
I don't think it really matters who earns more money than the other, except for the obvious economic reasons. What matters is that a married couple communicate and work together as a team for the family. That is often easier said than done.
I have a friend who works her hiney off. Her husband makes more per hour than she does, but his job is very flexible and hers isn't. She often has to be at work at 7am and work late. Her husband works 3 minutes from home, 8-5, Monday thru Friday with an hour to go home for lunch every day. What has really been gnawing at her is that lately, he'll say, "Things were going slow so I just took the day off". That means a day with no pay. Then she feels like she has to shoulder it and find a way to make that money up. She does ALL the bill paying and finances for the family, including re-financing their home and juggling to get better interest rates for their vehicles, etc. She does 100% of the cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping. On top of that, they have two dogs (that her husband brought home) that she does all the walking and caring for, not to mention dealing with kids homework and Boy Scout meetings, etc. She gets very resentful to say the least. She gets so exhausted that her fuse becomes very short and she explodes.
I've known her for years, we consider each other family, but I have told her that she has absolutely spoiled her husband rotten. She has handled things for so many years, a little light bulb isn't just going to go on over his head and suddenly he's going to realize that she really needs him to help out more. She needs to say clearly what she needs...and not just when she's mad.
I think that old stereotypes are still alive and well...the husband is supposed to be the breadwinner and the wife does everything else. That's just not reality in today's world. And no one wins if it's looked at as a competition of some kind.
You just really need to communicate your feelings and needs and be willing to listen to your husband's so you can reach a compromise that makes you both happy.
Happy parents make for happy children.

I wish you the best.

Hi there P.,
I don't have your situation, but I was thinking about what would be the happiest and most fulfilling thing for you to do for now and for the future. My husband and I made the decision that we wanted our kids to be raised by one of us, and he happens to make far more money than I. It was a straight forward decision, unlike yours, and I've never regretted it.
Perhaps if you step back and look at this situation from an outsiders perspective, as well as from your girls vantage point. What would you counsel someone else to do? What do you think would be your girls dream come true? What choices do you think you'll be happy you made 5, 10 or 15 years from now?
Anyway, I don't have anything brilliant to advise, but I wanted to give you my perspective. I'll never regret being home with our girls, and I know I'd regret having someone else raise our precious kiddos.
Hope that helps,
D.

P., I do understand how you feel. I was in this same situation when my oldest was born - - 15 years ago. I was the higher 'bread winner' and at times was even the sole source of income. As well, I was 100% childcare and housekeeper when not at work. :)
Times have changed. Now, 15 years later, I am a stay at home mom, homeschool 4 children and have one on the way. :) I'd like to share my journey with you, and why/how I made the decisions that I did - it was definitely full of bumps and tears along the way. I'm heading out the door now, but will send you a private message later in the day.

R.

I can relate in someways to your feelings. When I was working full-time, I was not the higher earner, but me and my husband agreed that the household was going to be taken care of 50/50. He would be responsible for just as much as me. I handled the bills, etc. and we left it as whomever got home first made the dinner/picked up kids/help kids with homework, and the other would clean up, we traded bath duties each day and story time. In exhchange for me handling bills he did all the yard work, took our trash, etc. (we did hire a cleaning service for a while which helped considerably in keeping the house clean). So it ended up being about 50/50 during that time. But he was willing to do it all.

My husband has a very demanding job and is gone a lot on weekends when his company is nearing a deadline and it drives me crazy, but I have to remind myself that I knew what kind of job he had when I married him and we had kids, I knew that his job was demanding required overtime and weekend work and even sometimes not coming home one evening during the week due to double shifts and deadlines to meet. Reminding myself isn't always the answer I want to hear and yes we have arguments.

We had to compromise a lot on both of our ends and no we were and stil are not always the happiest with our compromises. It was never about who was earning the higher income for us, but more about who had the most stress. When I was having a heavy workload, he stepped in a little more and vice versus. And we had many a conversation about him not doing anything around the house or helping with the kids, and why was I doing all the work when they were his kids too.

I would talk to your husband, express your feelings and maybe ask if he'd be willing to work-out a schedule during the week for taking care of the household and the kids. Let him know that more time with the nanny is not what your wanting, but for your kids to have more time with their parents. Schedule "me" time for both of you during the week as well. Where you mark out a certain day or time, that is just for you and the other is responsilbe for running the house. Also scheduling "adult time" like date nights once a week will help the stress load on the relationship and the resentfulness towards eachother. Me and my husband do date nights (not as much as we like to) but it helps and it is funny to see the kids reaction when we say its mom and dad time now, b/c they can't quite wrap it around their little heads that mom and dad do stuff without them, but they love going to grandma's.

Good luck and talk to your husband, if he is as wonderful as you say he will listen, everything is a transition, and marriage is always about compromise I have learned and am still learning.

Best of Luck!

P.,
I relate to your circumstances to some extent. He makes more than I do, but we both work a lot of hours and it is necessary for both of us to work.
My schedule is regular 8-5 m-f, and his is shift work. He has been on a 2-10p. shift with w&th. off for six months now. It's been hard because 5 nights a week i'm essentially a single mom and we don't get any days off together.
I love my daughter and all the time I get with her, but I relish in my few alone times too. The thing that is most helpful for me is that I have very helpful friends and my mom nearby too. Sometimes that means they take my daughter so I can do something, but often it means we all do something together; do our shopping, go out to eat, etc. I feel like I get to have adult interaction and I don't feel like I'm missing out on time with my daughter.
I do at times feel like I work just as many hours outside the home, and am responsible for more than 50% at home. But when I let myself sit in that place I just get resentful and don't enjoy what little time I get with my husband. Someday, when i'm done with far too few days of raising our kids I really don't think I'm gonna care about the grand total of who did more dishes, changed more clothes, gave more baths, cooked more meals. I think I will appreciate that I was so lucky to have a job i love, and the opportunity to spend so much time with my kids (daughter 3 and one on the way).
I feel like you in this world we live in today. We are blessed to have so much, and when I keep it in that prospective life is a lot more content!

I can sympathize with you, P.. My husband is currently a full-time student, so it happens that he is often doing schoolwork in the evenings and on weekends. I too sometimes feel like I have two jobs and he has kind of like one and a half. What has worked for us is that I have to make an effort to let him know when I am feeling overwhelmed or need time to myself. Everyone needs time to themselves, so it is extremely important for you, him and the kids that you get it too. There has to be a balance between work and home life no matter what the situation. You should really have some good talks about what is important in your lives together- more money can't make you feel more sane! :-) Good luck- you are not alone in feeling like you need more time to yourself! Cherish your time together, but be very clear about your own needs.

Hi P.!
I actually just heard a speaker on a very similar issue. He was explaining how (most) men, even when their wives make a better salary, have this instinct to "provide" for their family. If they feel their role as "provider" is being threatened, they tend to overcompensate in some way... like work extra hours, take on extra (stressful) jobs, even when it's not necessary for the stability of their job, or financially. He suggested finding other ways to show our husbands our family NEEDS them. Perhaps he doesn't fully understand the true value of children being able to spend quality time with their fathers. It helps them socially, emotionally, academically... (etc). Maybe there are special talents or skills he has that your family "needs" him to do. The speaker said that often times, if men are reminded of what they provide for their family other than money, they won't feel the need to bury themselves in work as often.
The topic seemed relevant, so I thought I would share... hope it was helpful!

Hi P. -

This was my situation during the dot.com days. I worked at Cisco and made a lot more money (mostly through stock) than my husband. I also worked 60+ hours, and did most of the childcare for our son (who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at age 4), while I was there. I seriously burned out, and in '99 took a 4 year hiatus -- which ended in my husband divorcing me.

Looking back, I can see that he really didn't understand how hard I was working. Had I been able to communicate with him, and have him get over the fact that I was making more money, had I had more time for myself and a more equal division of labor, things would have been better.

So -- my advice to you is this -- get into a really good marriage counselor, and talk it over. He needs to get over the money, and you need more help during the week. I know how this movie ends, and if you think you're overworked now, try doing this as a single mom. I'd do just about anything to have a partner with me, helping me even a little!

Best,

J.

Sometimes you just have to be happy with what you have. Being a full time mom is rewarding but gets it gets lonely too so back to being happy with what you have. Unlike myself your blessed to be able to get time for yourself.
Good luck.