Seeking Moms Who Have Experienced This: Read On

Donna H, I think that you see crying as a sign of weakness. When you shed a tear over a movie or card it shows you are a compassionate person. Being compassionate is not weak it is a beautiful thing. If you are crying out of sadness or because of something that affected you at a previous time then you need to persue that feeling so that you can deal with what ever it was that caused you to be sad. I wish you luck with all you are dealing with. J.

As someone who works in mental health, I can understand your frustration with the outpatient-type setting for counseling. I work in family based therapy and it's a pretty intensive setting where we go to the clients' home so if there is any type of breakdown or crying, it's within the walls and comfort of the home. In an outpatient setting, it's tough because you ARE on a time schedule and typically, there's another client coming in right after you're finished. The one thing that I can tell you is be up front and honest with your therapist. Working through and voicing any concerns about needing to cry but feeling embarrassed to walk out of the session with a tear-stained face is something pertinent to the process and if your therapist is a good one, they will try to make some accomodations for you, or try to help out as much as they can. Also, maybe you could choose a therapy time where it's the end of the day and not as many people, if any at all, are in the waiting room to see any tears when you exit? Try to remember too, as embarrassed as you may be, we all cry about things from time to time, and who knows!?... maybe the next person going in will leave the same way. Don't be afraid to cry.. it's healthy to cry and you'll probably feel better if you let it out, rather than keeping it in and having a lump in your throat. Working through pain is tough but it is better in the long run to do exactly that... work THROUGH the issue instead of just working AROUND it. Working through it will get you a much quicker and more effective result than the latter. I hope this helps :)

First of all - you need to cry! There is a reason you are going to counseling, something that is bothering you. It is absolutely normal to cry. As for the people in the waiting room, they are crying in their session as well. The counselors are professionals who are prepared to deal with your emotions - crying included. Also, if you should run over your time in you session, they are prepared to handle that as well. You are important and so are your feelings. I suggest the next time you go to your session, let it out...and let the counselor let you know when your time is up!

I agree with Leslie - don't be afraid to cry. Make the most of your sessions by being honest with yourself and your counselor. He should know how to handle the situation. I guarantee you he has seen it before. And I guarantee some of those people in the waiting room have done it before.

My son has serious medical issues. When he was first diagnosed I was devastated. He was in the hospital for a week and my husband and I used to take turns staying at the hospital with him. After my "shift" would end I would drive to my parent's house to visit my daughter. I would cry the entire way. Sometimes I needed to stop at a store to pick up a few groceries. I got a few funny looks from people due to my blotchy face and swollen eyes but I didn't care. What was going on in my life was way more important that what a stranger thought of me going out in public looking teary-eyed. As far as that goes, my only concern was looking as presentable as I could for my daughter so she wouldn't be scared or worried. So if you are in that situation again, and crying feels like the right thing for you to do, just do it. Don't worry about what others will think. It is none of their business. Best wishes to you.

I work with Dr. Shoshana Bennett and asked her for her feedback...

"First, congratulate yourself for having a productive session (not that every productive session elicits tears, but it’s a good sign when it does)! Any person who’s experienced good counseling understands that crying is a natural release and nothing at all to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Remember that the others in the waiting room have also left their sessions crying sometimes. You might even want to bring up your reluctance to “let go” the next time you see your counselor. If it’s truly that uncomfortable, you can wait until you get into your car (or somewhere private) and sit there while your tears flow before going home. What you do not want to do is push down the feelings and stop yourself from crying. You’ll move along in therapy more quickly if you’re able to allow emotion to bubble up."

Dr. Shoshana Bennett (“Dr. Shosh”)
Clinical Psychologist
Author, Postpartum Depression For Dummies
http://DrShosh.com

Hi Donna,
I think it is so great that you have gone to someone to talk about your feelings. I have been in a lot of therapy. I had a tough childhood and had a lot of things to work through. It is hard. And there are really hard moments. But I do know that in order to heal the old memories and "wounds" the only way to do it is to actually FEEL the sadness and the pain, and to allow yourself to have those feelings, and honor them, and then reassure yourself that you are in a different place now, and that things are better and safe. It's more complicated than that, but that is essentially the idea.
I have ended a number of sessions when things opened up at the end of a session, and I walked out it tears, and I remember each time it happened, and remember how hard that was. So hard. It's like, how long do I have to wait to talk about this now... a whole week? JEEZ!!! It hurts so much.
Hopefully as you open up more, the emotions can come earlier in the session so that you can talk about it and work through it.
It is exactly at those moments when the tears come that you are open to heal. It's feelings that help us heal.
Just remember to allow yourself to feel your feelings. That is the path to healing. Really. Honor your feelings as much as you can. Trust me, I know how hard it is. It sucks. It hurts and it's hard. But once you do it, those places of pain truly heal. And you get your life back again so to speak. (Not living anymore in the shadows of our fears and pain).
Each time we brush away our tears and the feelings we annihilate our souls. I know that sounds extreme, but it's true.
I am not saying that you did anything bad, I have been there too, trust me!!! Pain stinks. I am just saying that it's okay to open up. Who cares what the people in the waiting room think. There is no shame in feeling sad. No shame in crying.
If it is really bad, just try to take a lot of deep breaths, wear sunglasses and a hat and keep your head low.
If any of this has resonated with you at all, there is a wonderful book that I read that completely changed my life, it's called "Eastern Body Western Mind" by Annodea Judith. A truly remarkable book. When I read it, as when others close to me that have read it too, it feels like it was written just for you, personally. It's amazing. Very healing and enlightening.
I wish you the best on your journey and healing path. There is a quote by Anias Nin (i think that is her name) who said "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Kindly,
M.

Hi D.,

We are human and we have feelings. It is okay to cry, whenever you feel like it. Everyone one of us goes through sadness and grief at one time or another in our lives.

You will not cry forever. It is a momentary event.

One basic thing that some how gets forgot in our lives is that feelings guide our thinking and our thinking guides our behavior.

You are on the right track. Use your feeling statements and you will feel empowered to be yourself.

Good luck. Thanks for sharing. D. B.

I consider it a session worth the price if I cry in a session. LOL, honestly, I dont think I ever go to see my therapist and DONT cry. And its her job to see me being honest and upfront with her......otherwise, how can she really know what Im feeling. I feel comfortable with her, comfortable crying there, but she has a set up that is very private.........no one is ever in the office waiting room when I get there, and I leave by another door so I end up outside the hallway when I go.........so there is never a problem with someone else seeing me...............but in all honesty.......we are all there for the same reason.....to work out problems and see ourselves more clearly.........and I dont really care who sees me or in what condition. If I feel better about myself, then the therapy is working......and crying is a human reaction to pain or fear or joy or anxiety........its perfectly normal. Keep at it.......as long as youre comfortable with your therapist.

Been there , done that. I used to get embarrased, then I realized, hey, this is me, take it or leave it. Something is bothering you that needs to come out, so let it. God gave us all these emotions for a reason. Crying actually reduces stress and detoxes the body. I never understood why society accepts laughter and anger, but crying is soo wrong. It's time the real world gets it that we are all humans with tons of levels and emotions, not robots. It may just be the release your mind needs.

As for the people in the waiting room...

1. Who really cares what they think, they are there for the same reason anyway.

2. In 5-10 years, are you really ever gonna see these people again anyway. Maybe you can let it be known that it's ok to be yourself.

Take care and God Bless.

L.

Donna,

If you can't cry with your counselor, I would encourage you to find another one. The whole point of it is to deal with tough emotions, and with those emotions, sometimes tears come. It is not only acceptable, but normal and healthy to cry with your counselor. Sometimes it takes some time to find one who is a good fit.

My therapist does what she calls closure for the last 3-5 minutes of the session, where we step back from the subject directly and review the session - what stood out for each of us as meaningful, what worked, what didn't, and what "homework" I can do to further my progress before our next appointment.

This closure time is so that her clients aren't getting into cars and driving while in an emotional turmoil. Maybe you could suggest this to your counselor.

If that isn't an option, I suggest that you walk out of your counselor's office and directly into the ladies room. Lock yourself in the stall and have a good cry if you need to. Then splash/wipe your face with cool water, touch up your makeup (cover-up and powder work best) and head out.

C.

Good question. How many people cry in counseling sessions? All of them -- at least all of them who are getting healthier. Counseling is an opportunity to visit the aches in our lives, to relive them in a way and to think them through with more information, and with a professional guide. The fact that something came up tells me that you are there for a reason, and the counselor is doing a good job. The fact that you squelched it tells me that you need a little more time to trust the counselor with your pain. That's okay. You'll get there -- and don't be surprised if your counselor noticed, but didn't push you because of the time frame.

I studied counseling at one point, and also went to one of the counselors at school for a little while to help me deal with some issues that were about to happen in my life. . . One day I walked in, and out ran a friend of mine, in a whirwind of tears. I don't even know if she saw me as she flew by. I would have held her. .. . and knowing what shape she was in, I would have waited 1/2 hour and had a short session, or gone without so she could have had more time to deal with whatever it was. . . . and I have always felt badly that the counselor stuck to "the schedule".

(I quit going very soon after that, because the counselor was following a fairly common path of digging into my past when my issues were looming in 2 weeks time and I had big decisions to make. And she wasn't paying any attention to the fact that those decisions were why I came to counseling to get some help. I couldn't see paying for help I wasn't getting and I didn't have time to dig into my childhood and learn about my deceased father -- I had to deal with a living and breathing ex-husband who wanted custody of my kids.)

It sounds to me like the process is working, and trust is building, and one day you may cry during a session -- but notice that there is a box of kleenex in there somewhere. Almost EVERYONE cries during therapy at some time or another. And that's okay.

Heck, for 8 years after I got divorced, I cried in church -- regularly. Every time I felt very close to God, it was like falling off a bike -- you get hurt, but you suck it up and don't cry -- until you see Mom coming to get you -- and then you burst into tears, and admit that it hurts so much, you might die of it! And that's how it was with me and God. Everytime I let my defenses down, and truly felt his presence, I unloaded a little more of my pain, and it flowed out my eyes. (And, yes, my children thought it was funny . . . and now we all laugh at how easily I cry)

You will get through this, and you'll come out a winner on the other side. :-) Hang in !

Donna,

I have cried many times at the therapist's. Really, they are professionals. I have a very good friend who is a counselor and once asked her this very question - is it normal to cry? Am I that screwy?

Anyway, she said that about half of her patients cry. We are women, we get emotional, that is an outlet. She also has patients who throw things, punch her sofa, and ask to scream into her pillows. The point is that you are there to deal with things that are out of your control. To make sense of things that are happening to you and around you. There are going to be "touchy" subjects, and a good therapist will help you get over, around, and through those.

Keep it up! You are going to be fine.
-C.

That is exactly why you're going to a counselor - to share what you're FEELING and why. As women, we often spend too much time trying to get our THOUGHTS in line with our FEELINGS. In this case, I suggest not trying to over-THINK this one - just make the most of your sessions so that you're really getting to the root of things. After all, who cares what the people in the lobby think - will they be coming over for a dinner party any time soon?

Btw . . . if the counselor is good, (s)he did notice. I suggest explaining your discomfort with getting too emotional and asking how best to proceed - do this at the beginning of the next session, so you have time to talk about that particular issue if you both feel that is the right thing to do . . .

I provide counselling, but have also been in the "other chair" being counselled. I agree with the other posts that it could be beneficial to address your struggle with crying from the start of your next session so you and your counsellor can work on a plan to make you more comfortable releasing your emotions and structuring your session time so you have time to close things up before you have to leave the room. Sometimes you cant always shut it off or hide your puffy eyes so you can find ways like bringing sun glasses with you or a hat etc to give you more cover when you exit. Ideally you will eventually stop caring what other people think of you so much and be more comfortable leaving no matter what you look like...the people who would judge you for crying in public, especially coming from a therapy session, probably are not the people you want to spend time and energy caring about what they think of you. There are many people who understand all too well as you can see from all these posts!! If you are not allowing yourself to cry you are missing out, few things can be as cleansing to release pent up emotional energy!! Bring on the tissues =0)

The best thing you can do is bring that subject up yourself the next time you are in a counseling session so that the therapist can help you get to the bottom of your feelings concerning it. He/she may shed some insight into why it brought you to tears. The purpose of counseling is to help you with issues beyond your control.

Donna, It's more than okay to cry in a session. Crying can be very good for you! It is one way to relieve stress, or acceptance, you can cry in greif and in laughter...or at a hallmark commercial!! You should never be ashamed to cry it is the release of an honest heart-felt feeling. You are doing yourself and your counslor a dis-service by hiding your emotions...laughter or tears. Talk to your counslor about this at your next session...and take those kleanx with pride! You are seeking help with your life and that's a great thing!! Yes, I have cried in sessions and even on the phone with counslors over the years...thank goodness...I don't know where I would be without the great people that touched my life when I needed them most! Best wishes.

It is perfectly normal to cry and you should not be embarrassed by it. I'm sure your therapist has seen many people cry. They are there to help people with their thoughts and emotions. And anyone in the waiting room should understand... they have probably cried there too. If you don't allow yourself to truly open up, then you are missing a good opportunity for help. Talk to your therapist about your crying AND the fact that you tried to cover it up.

Hi Donna,

Don't be afraid to cry, in public or at home. Crying is good for you. You need it to heal. God gave us the ability to cry for a reason. Jesus even wept.

I've experienced something similar at a doctors office (obstetrician). I did cry and had to walk out through the waiting area. Sometimes you just have to not care what others think.

I'm sure your counselor has experienced others crying plenty of times. Even if it is at the end of the session, the counselor will know that the particular subject that made you cry should be addressed at the next session. If you hide your emotions they won't see how deeply it had affected you and might not address it again.

L.

I saw a therapist last year and yes I cried many times while I was in there - and it was in her home with the very small waiting room to go through on the way out. I say - who cares what anyone thinks! Emotions come up and out, which is a good thing, and most of the people in the waiting are probably relieved to see that you felt like you could let your emotions out and may even think it's ok for them to do the same the next time. Think about getting healthy emotionally and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. And chances are, your therapist has dealt with far worse :)

People cry all the time in therapy-it's almost impossible not to! No one is there just to declare how ecstatic they are with their life in every way, and to point fingers of judgement at anyone in the waiting room who may have been crying.
Open up and indulge, be honest, get it all out-that's why you're there! I'm sure your counselor has never seen anyone who didn't cry. Just remember, everyone is there with their own problems, not to judge you if you look like you have red eyes on the way to the bathroom. If you are controlling yourself in order not to cry, then you are not spelling out everything on your mind and it will take more time and $s to get to the meat of matters! Your counselor will appreciate you opening up and is well equipped to handle it-or you need a different one!

It has happened to me. Somehow, the counselor said something that let me know it was something we would start with first thing at our next session, and she found some words to at least help me gain composure enough to exit the room.

I HATE crying in front of ANYONE. That being said, it was something that happened to me often when I was in therapy. I was opening a lot of old wounds in order to heal them and move forward and it was very painful. I think anyone sitting in the waiting area would understand, because they're in that waiting room for similar reasons as you! To heal, to move forward, to understand themselves.