Seeking Moms Who Understand Mils & Their Sons!

My understanding of my MIL's fairly hot/cold behavior is due to her insecurity. Her role in my husband's life has changed and it probably makes her feel fairly helpless. My husband is also laid-back and his approach to his mother is much more passive than my approach; however, he has politely reminded me that it is not really passive so much as respectful - and unfortunately, he is right. No matter what our parents are like, we need to remain respectful. He is giving you a glimpse of his true character, which sounds fairly noble. BTW - I have upon occassion gotten my husband to side with me on the less-attractive sides of his mother and although it makes me feel great for a second or two - the appeal wears off quickly and you start to feel bad for talking so poorly about someone - someone who probably loves you very much, but doesn't know how to show it. You, like me and many other women, have good reasons to feel less than warm towards our MILs, but it is always beneficial for everyone if we try to walk in love...even when the people are hard to love. I'm sorry you are going through this. My MIL has shown me some dark sides, but there has always been light on the other side.

Hi Donna,
You've asked for advice from women who "understand MILs and their sons" so maybe technically I should not be responding to this, but I couldn't resist!
My own MIL is a train wreck. She's 250+ lbs, lazy, lacking emotion, and is without motherly or grandmotherly caring. She fusses more over our dog than our son. Not to mention that she's loud, rude, hypochondriacal, stupid and passive aggressive. She gossips, bosses and I believe is clinically depressed but will not seek treatment which does not surprise me because even in spite of numerous health problems, refuses to do O. positive action to help herself.

She has not changed in that time, nor do I expect that she will.

My own mother has suggested that I try to find "the redeeming quality" in my monster in law and focus on that. I have been married for 13 years and knew her for about 2 years before I got married. I can honestly say that, looking objectively, I am unable to find O. SINGLE REDEEMING QUALITY in this woman as a person.

So here's what I do. I treat her and address her with respect. When she begins gossiping or bossing, I walk away. Or I do not respond. I do not actively seek out her company. In fact, there are times when my husband is going to take my son there for a visit and I stay home to get some things done. I am polite and friendly. If she says something offensive or rude, I call her on it. Not in a confrontational way, but I make my point.

I know that I have tried with this woman and I have decided to STOP trying because I have exhausted all possible tactics.

BUT--I love her son. He knows how she is. He calls her on the carpet when necessary. I (try to) never voice my feelings or opinions about her to him. I don't want to put him in that position. I would not want him saying things about my mom. I think he gets the drift. I don't need to spell it out.
My advice to you: stop talking to your husband about it. If you have issue with her language, tell her about it. You have a right to express your view to her and explain that you don't appreciate her language in front of your kids.
As long as you are polite and respectful to her, no O. will be able to hold it against you and you will sleep better at night. Best of luck!

Ah, my dear, I have been married to a pretty great guy for 14 years. His mother is the spawn of satan. I feel your pain. She is verbally abusive, an alcoholic and can say some of the most insensitive things in the world. The breaking point for me was when she told me to go shopping instead of going to my brother's viewing because he and I were "not that close after all". For years I railed against her, and wished just once that he would validate my feelings. One day, he looked at me and said "Yeah, I know, I grew up with her", basically telling me that he knew all that i had said was true, but it was still his mom. Finally, validation!!

But, it was short-lived because I then realized that even if he had picked a "side" I was the one who had to figure this out.

So, now I screen my phone calls and if he is not here, I do not answer (love caller ID). If he is, I hand him the phone. I am polite and expect the same in return. I do not visit unless it is a wedding or funeral.

If I allow her to influence how I feel about myself, that's my problem, not his. I would put my foot down about the foul mouth and tell her to not use that language in front of my kids.

They visit her with my blessing - I have not seen her more than 3 times in about 4 years. It works for everyone. He gets to have an enjoyable visit, the kids see their grandmother and I get a house to myself. Not sure how far away your MIL lives, but I have been blessed with a 4 hour drive.

Your question - how does he stand her - well, that's easy, that's his mom. Good, bad or indifferent, that's the reality of it.

I understand how helpless a person can feel when confronted by someone who is so abrasive and unkind. However, our response to it is our responsibility.

If you fight the good fight, you will probably win, but at who's expense? Stop wishing he would validate your feelings. If you feel a certain way about her, then it IS valid.

Lastly, I would like to offer this thought. Seeing what she is all about and having a husband who is loving, dedicated, sober, supportive and kind to me and our children brings me to the conclusion that he walked away from his childhood saying "Ok, that's NOT who I want to be."
And that is a good thing.

There are a few you can do. You can learn to live with it/ignore it. You can tell your husband that while he may be fine with it, you are not, and could he please talk to your MIL. You could talk to her when she is in a good mood, very respectfully and tell her you wish she would not use such strong language in front of your kids. Or you could move away, and not give her your new address or phone number!

In a perfect world, your husband would say, "oh honey, I'm sorry it bothers you so much. I will talk to my mom right away." But, it's not a perfect world. Stuff like this doesn't seem to bother guys as much. And they certainly wouldn't admit they didn't know how to deal with it. He probably has learned to tune her out. He grew up with her, he may think that's the way she is, can't change her. He probably doesn't understand why you are so upset, because he just not paying attention anymore.

It really should be your husband dealing with this issue. She is more likely to listen to him than any one else. But if he won't take the responsibility, then you need to decide if talking to her yourself is the right option. It could make things worse.

You may just have to bite the bullet and learn to ignore it as your husband has. She won't be around forever. Have you tried to make friends with her? Have you done stuff with her just the two of you? Take her out for coffee, go to a movie. She may see you as competition for her son's affections and if you make friends with her she may soften up. She may not, but you may learn to understand her better and why she is the way she is.

Hope things work out in this situation.

Donna H Don't get me wrong I am not saying she is not at fault but put your self in his shoes, You are a mother also and she is his mother. How would you like it if the tables were turned and he spoke like that about your mother all the time. No matter what she is his mother. I would suggest that you try to develope a working relationship with your MIL even if it is just to respect each other. Talk to her and tell her how you feel about the cussing especially in front of your children. But just remember to show respect for each other. You will always have some connection with her as long as your are married to her son. So if you are able to have some what of a relationship with her that would make it easier on your relationship with your husband. Good luck I hope things work out for you. J.

You probably have to look at the role he played in his own household as he was growing up. Was he always the peacemaker, trying to keep that volatile woman calm? Did he cope by staying calm and letting her behavior roll off him? Or does he view her behavior compassionately, like a good son, and understands somehow what insecurities, problems, etc. might be causing her behavior? In any case, his role as son doesn't change because he's married, and he may not be very capable of changing at this late date if he developed coping mechanisms throughout his lifetime that worked for him. And she is his mother - so the love gets all mixed up with the problems. You may have to re-assess the situation and try to figure out what you can do to minimize the behavior, especially around your kids. Perhaps you'll need to sit down with her and try to calmly talk about the language around the kids. Talk to her as if she if your ally instead of your enemy - you never know, it might work. Good luck.

OK, take everything you just said about your MIL, and add a severe drinking problem and unsafe activities with the kids, and you've got mine. Ditto on the husband with a mommy choke collar implanted making it impossible to say a word against her. I hope my son has one of those.

Actually, I feel like my husband's sweet, non confrontational (for better or worse even when you need him to be confrontational) personality is a coping mechanism he developed being raised by her and yes, he is truly used to it. She positively frightened me when I met her and in public, many people-waitresses, etc are startled by her abrasive rudeness, but her little family of followers and loyal husband appear not to notice it. I have heard comments about "oh you know her" chuckle chuckle amongst them, but they've all decided to support her and enable her. It blows my mind, because if I acted that way, I feel I wouldn't have a friend in the world-even my husband, but somehow it's OK for her.

In the early years of our marriage, I fought for his understanding of my side through really horrid episodes in which the kids were endangered by her, but got nowhere. I even tried the old fair is fair game. My family is crazy too in totally different ways, so I would indulge him when he would roll his eyes at my crazy mom and say, "I know, she's driven me crazy my whole life, but she's done such sand such good thing and they're only staying 3 days (the rule)" Hoping that when his mom came I could be like, "Since my family only stays 3 days and I admit they're crazy, fair is fair, yours should only stay 3 days, not 8 right, since last time they got so bored and ornery we all almost killed each other?" Blank stare. He doesn't get it.

Now, after 10 years, enough awful things have happened that I set the rules on their visits and ignore my husband's obvious annoyance at ME. I never try to make him see my side anymore, or make him handle it or talk to her about anything, even though he should. He won't. That's all there is to it. This is an issue with him that will not change. In his defense, once he did try to tell them to leave after they came at the last minute, stayed for 7 days, left for three, stopped back by unannounced and planned to stay another week, but when he told them we had plans and they had to be going she jumped down his throat and told him they could not change their plans. I had to step up and say we couldn't change ours either and we didnt' know they were coming so sorry, they had to go. She glared at him to shoot me down, but luckily he was scared of me too in that moment and didn't speak so she stormed off.

Anyway, some rules I had to set despite her huffing and puffing were, "No taking the kids away alone on long drives" when they visit. "No saying mean things about people" on TV etc, because my daughter was learning to insult people as second nature. And whatever else I have to say no to. I had to just tell myself the worst that could happen is that she doesn't like me. Otherwise I'm polite and let them do all the talking and white knuckle it through the visits and thankfully they live far away. I won the right to say no visits when my husband travels because they used to come wear me out while he was gone.

So, I hope your situation is not this bad, but it sounds similar. You have to set the no cursing rule. You have to enforce it. Even if it means saying to your kids, "Even though grandma says that, it's not OK, and you can't say it." in front of her. Be nice when you can so no one villainizes you, but hold your rules. If she beefs to you or your husband about it, ignore him the way he ignores you when you beef about her. I feel for you, it takes a thick skin. You may have to find a way to limit the visits if you can.

Ignore her when she yells at you or fight back. It doesn't matter. I've done both, it doesn't change the MIL in any way, so do what you want. Hang in there. It can challenge the marriage if you keep trying to get your husband to see the light. If you don't want to hate your hubby, just accept her as much as you can but hold your rules. If my husband sees me being nice to her, he has less of a tantrum when I enforce a rule to her. Stay calm. Good luck.

I think it is time to put your foot down. You should never let your Mother-In-Law swear at or around your kids. They are your children and you have the right to control what they are exposed to.

You should start out by actually telling here what you have told the rest of the world on the WWW. Let her know how she makes you feel and that you don't like it. Don't say it in a mean or spiteful way or when your are upset or angry. Say it in a calm yet matter-of-fact sort of way. Let her know that you are a person to be treated with respect and that you will not allow her to treat you any other way. She needs to know that you will no longer tolerate her cursing around your children. That's it!

The longer you hold this in and do not communicate your true feelings to her, the more upset you will become by her behavior. So let her know. Do it over coffee away from the house in a relaxed atmosphere with no pressures on you at the time.

I think you will feel much better about her and yourself once you hash this out with her. Oh yeh, she may blow up at you and get resentful. But that will be her problem, not yours. If she does blow up realize the the solution to fixing that is further communication as to why she blew up. Then sooner or later you two will get along just fine. Realize that she will be in your life for the rest of your life. Handle it now before it gets any worse.

Hope This Helps!

Hi Donna...I've been married for almost 20 years and I still don't get my MIL and hubby. He is just like yours sounds...laid back & calm lets very little if anything bother him. Then there's his mother...she's always going to the doctor, always getting some kind of surgery, always whining, complaining, sniffing, moaning...and back-stabbing me at every turn. I used to let it bother me, I used to tell my hubby to stand up for me. I used to cry, scream...the works! Then one day after a long session of "your MIL called me and said....about you" I finally gave up. She doesn't know me, she probably doesn't like me (but will never tell me to my face), no matter how great our kids are, (my SIL's only will always be the favorite) no matter how much I/we do for her, I WILL NEVER WIN!! So to heck with it. It is not worth my time anymore. So I don't send birthday cards or anniversery cards to my in-laws. I told my hubby their his parents he has to handle it. I don't call them unless I absolutly have to...again I told my hubby their his parents he can call them (they live out of state thank goodness!). Try it, you may find some peace. As far as her language goes, you have the right and can tell her that you do not use that kind of language and you would appreciate it if she would no longer use that language around you or your children. If she wants to get nasty about it...then don't take your children around her for a while. Real simple they are your kids so it's your rules!! She can either get with the program or be alone. Be strong! Best wishes.

The first thing I would say is that no matter how you feel about her, she is and will always be your husband's mother. I'm not sure of the history, but if that truly is her personality and always has been that way than your husband spent his entire life used to that and probably became immune to it so he sees nothing too wrong with it. If your husband is pretty laid back and she's more aggressive and bossy as you describe it, than it's probably hard for him to stand up to her if he didn't do it as a child. I truly believe that the relationships you have with your parents have a tremendous impact on your life...so maybe throughout his life he just sees that behavior as normal, where you don't see it that way.

I would try to have your husband understand your feelings, especially about the bad language...because that's just unacceptable if she speaks that way in front of your children. But some of the stuff you may need to try to let go or have a conversation with his Mom about how you feel. Good luck!

Hi, D.:

Did you know that you are responsible for you?
There is an "I" messages formula:

I feel.............(State how you feel)
When I..............(Identify the problem)
Because............(Say why you feel this way)
And I need..........(Propose how to resolve it)

Example:

I feel angry, embarrassed, ashamed, shocked
when I hear you use foul language, see your anger, and feel your rudeness.
Because I feel disrespected and unloved.
I need to hear proper English when you speak to me and my children. I need to feel affirmed and loved by you.

Get help, honey. Look up Co-Dependents Anonymous on the web at www.coda.org

Find you a meeting and go. God Bless you for asking for help, it takes courage. Good luck. D.