Seeking Moms with Experience Dealing with Behavioral Problems

THe one thing that pops into my head as a mother of 4 is that he might be jealous of the 2 little ones. They might get more attention than he does. SO acting out in school is his way to get attention. IT's just the firt thing thatpopped into my head. GOod Luck!!

Check out www.feingold.org. You may find some help there. It definitely helped with my son. Good luck!

Hi D.,
I know this is very troubling.

First: Has he had a complete check up lately? He could have allergies or a learning disorder. Please get a detailed description of his behavior in class. Then let the pediatrician know.

Second: How does he get along w/ the other children? Does he have friends or is school an unhappy place to be?

Third: Is he eating a healthy diet so he can concentrate and feel ready to learn? High sugar/carb foods could throw his blood sugar way off, leading to mood swings, headaches etc.

Fourth: He might benefit from seeing a guidance counslor/school psychologist to help him with behavior problems. Has the subject of possible medication been mentioned?

I know this sounds like alot. Many times school problems have more than one cause. Also, does your grandson have a hobby, sport etc. that he does well in and can feel proud about? That could help alot.

Good luck.
A.

D., Anita nailed it -- he may well be bored.

But without more information it's hard for us to advise. And frankly even if we had more information, I'd say, it's time for his parents to get professional help rather than relying on us here online. This is what the school counselor is there for! If he is truly OK at home (and think hard about whether he really is, or if it's just that his school behavior's so bad he seems OK at home by comparison), then the issue is something at school.

His parents need a private meeting with his teacher, the counselor, and anyone else at school who works with him (other teachers he sees a lot, etc.). The boy should not be present. The meeting should be at a time and place when the parents have the teacher/counselor/principal's full attention and a decent amount of time, not a hurried five-minute talk in the lobby with kids all around. Have they ever had such a meeting that focuses on getting some solutions started, not just on reports about bad behavior? You need to work out a clear, step-by-step plan to find out what's bothering him so badly he's acting out and how to deal with it. How does the teacher discipline him and how does he react to it? Will the counselor set up some one-on-one sessions with the boy alone to talk to him and find out what's bugging him? Etc. The parents should come out with an action plan and should stay in touch with the teacher and counselor to ensure they are monitoring their son.

This could be anything so a lot of digging is needed. He could be the victim of a bully that you and his parents know nothing about, and he's acting out to look tough to the bullying crowd. Or he could be academically so bored this is his way of injecting some life into what's a crushingly dull day for him at school. Or he could have learning disabilities and feel he's so far behind in his studies there's no point doing anything now but being a smart-aleck. He could be being influenced by other kids he wants to like him but who are poor role models. He could feel there are problems at home that he's never told you about (has his behavior gotten worse since the new baby came? Jealous of the younger kids? etc.) and his actions at school might be his way of getting his parents' attention (even negative attention is still attention!). There could be a host of issues but his parents, counselor, and teacher have to work carefully with him or he'll clam up and it'll be hard to get the truth out of him. He may not recognize it himself--he's only a kid and they don't always know why they do "bad stuff."

Please don't resort to corporal punishment. He is acting out for a reason; find the reason and deal with that root cause. Firm but meaningful disciplines at home for school behavior are appropriate. Hitting teaches nothing but hitting and it's more meaningful to him to take away the things he really values: his computer or TV time, taking away sporting events he was going to play in or play time with friends or a special trip he was expecting--but always be very clear the taking away is a direct consequence of known behaviors at school. Give warnings of what he'll lose at home if he misbehaves at school, before the taking away begins. Most of all, support and reward him when he IS well-behaved in school--reward the good, rather than hitting for the bad. This means the teacher needs to communicate how he's doing, both good and bad.

Hitting him only teaches him that hitting is an acceptable answer to problems because the people he trusts most show him that it is. If he's not already involved at fights at school, why would his parents want to show him now that hitting is OK? If they hit him, they cannot go back later when he wallops someone and tell him, "Don't hit people." He could legitimately answer, "Well, you hit me. So why is it wrong for me to hit someone else?" Find out causes, work closely with the school staff, reward the good with lots of attention and discipline meaningfully but calmly for the bad, and get the help that's available. If the problems continue, I'd move on to see an outside counselor or child psychologist, but start with the resources you already have at the school.

D.,

I would start with the school and ask in writing for them to evalute for learning disablities. My 1st guess would be his behavior is a result of frustration. I would also ask if he is being bullied before or after school. Since this has gone on for years I am guessing it is not the same teacher not the same kids in his class every year. We had many problems with out daughter in school, in her case she was bored because she was smarter than the teacher and got frustrated then got in trouble. With my son it was because he could not learn the way they teach, he needed to be able to move around and talk about what they were doing not read about it to get it.

good luck
A.

I've read all the other responses and they are really right on. I would nip this in the bud now. As an ex-middle school teacher, I will tell you it will only escalate before it does anything else. I think if he is OK at home, there is something definitely not right about the school situation. School is not a good environment for energetic boys. I homeschool mine, because there are so many undesirable elements that go with school. Bullying, exposure to kids with older siblings who have access to drugs, teaching to the tests rather than his real interests....
He may very well be bored. He needs to shine. Art, sports, music, youth groups at church. Get him involved. Get him off the electronic games which can actually rewire the brain. Perhaps he is not getting enough attention at home because of the younger siblings. He may need special time alone with mom and/or dad. Corporal punishment ABSOLUTELY is not the answer. That will hurt his body, but not improve what is truly bothering him. Counseling is great. Really, it is. It teaches him coping skills and gives him someone to be honest with. My older boy is eleven and the changes I see in him have a lot to do with pre-adolescent hormones. Keep him active and since he is in school, know his friends and what goes on on the bus. I've seen horrifying videos. It is so great he has you.

D.,
As a former teacher, I would question if he is not being challenged enough and acting out because he's bored, or is the academics to difficult and he'd rather act out and look cool to the other children rather than ask for help and look dumb to the others. If neither are the case, try to set up a meeting with the school counselor to see what they suggest.

Good luck.
C. G

I worked as a teaching assistant for several years in an elementary school and I have two daughters, one who had problems in school up until the day she quit and joined the Army. I didn't have many problems with my daughter at home, but when she got to school things changed. She was what the teachers called "a troubled child." When she was 12 I sent her to a therapist. She was diagnosed as being bipolar and put on medication. Not suggesting that your grandson is bipolar, just saying I think you're gonna need some professional help with this. His problem could be something easy to deal with, such as a bully problem to something serious, like in my daughters case. What does his teacher think it is? I'd start with a meeting with the teachers and then move on to more drastic moves such as an appointment with a therapist. I hope I've been of some help. Best of luck to you.

I agree with the Fiengold diet, milk causes brain fog for a lot of kids as well as food dye can cause problems. Also, he could be ADD and feel so far behind that he just can't sit anymore or so bored he has to entertain himself. My 20 year old nephew has never been diagnosed with ADD until now, my son was diagnosed at 13 and my other nephew at age 8. It is so prevelent and schools are not made for energetic boys. Good luck. Do lots of research. You will find the right answer for you.

D.,
If you are talking about a very big difference in behavior at school vs. home, then I would first check w/ environmental issues. Do they use dry erase boards and markers? My middle boy is allergic to the markers and acts completely different when he is around them. He fails tests everytime he has been exposed to them! Is there mold in the school. You may check the school out first and see if there is something there. At that age, there is a lot going on. I have an 11 year old boy also, but to be completely different at home then at school. Is there a boy at school picking on him or that has been picking on him for a long tim and he has to put up a front to protect himself? Something to consider. A.