Seeking Mothers with Same Problem with Their Child.

Hi L. Q,
I understand you fustration compeletly. My youngest son from the time he was about 3 started with the anger and he was distructive. He would tear things apart. Not all the time in anger but just being inquisitive as well. Any toy we got him got broke, anything we said set him off. We had him tested for ADHD, Bi Polar, the Dr's could find nothing wrong with him. HE was constantly in trouble as the school years came around. HE could not stay in his seat. HE was always fighting. Yet somehoe thru all of this he was the most well mannered little boy. Always saying yes mam and no sir. You could tell he was really trying. Nothing was helping. We had him tested in school for learning disorders because he was behind his peers in school. Finally, I found a place that helped him. I took him to the Multi-Clinic here in Shreveport. HE was assested as outpatient and began therapy with Kelly. HE was diagnoised with "Impulse Control Disorder." ICD is commonly misdiagnoised as ADHD when in reality it is nothing like it. ICD causes depression in children, that causes all the anger and fustration. They started him on a mild anti-depressent and a medication for ICD and today he is 11 yrs. old. An honor roll student, capable of having toys with out the destruction and has learned many wonderful techniques on how to control his anger. HE has his life back.

Sincerely,
V. D.

I understand completely what you are going through. My son doesn't have any anger problems, but I've seen several people go through exactly what you are going through. Have faith. If you need to talk to just talk let me know.

Hi L.,

My son is six, has the same tendencies, and after a lot of trial and error, and some Mamasource support, here's what I've realized:

He's a very normal little boy!; boys are different than girls, and won't be bossed or told what to do by their moms the way that most girls can be told in early childhood; he's very SMART, and therefore he's figuring out how to get what he wants. Because he is so intelligent, he's incredibly persistent and won't give up, ever, ever, ever!; he tested into the Gifted Program at school, meaning he is a problem solver, but goes about things in his own, sometimes roundabout, way, but always gets it "right" in the end.

If any of this sounds familiar, ask yourself these questions:

* have you had him tested for the Gifted program?
* is he learning to be frustrated from you? If you are very busy and stressed out, he's probably learning it, partly, at home. This was the case with my son when I was most stressed with my job, husband, house, and needs of an older but still very young daughter. Also, I am a bit of a perfectionist, and realized that I was nagging my kids alot, and had completely unrealistic expectations of them. When they have 'big personalities' we forget sometimes they are only little people!

I am still struggling with these issues, but another Mamasource mom put me onto an excellent book, which I have borrowed from the local library, reread several times, and absolutely adore: "Unconditional Parenting," by Alfie Kohn (Atria Books, 2005). It's well worth the trip to the library, and a fantastic read. He has a Web site too: alfiekohn.org

Good luck, and hang in there! With some down time, patience and love, you may find he slowly, gently comes back around.

I have to say ... I'm glad to hear you've removed the meds. My ds was dx'd at 5 with ADHD and had been on meds until 10. We were on everything - Adderall, Strattera etc. I finally had enough of the violent outbursts and took him off all his meds. I put him on an organic diet, removed regular milk and replaced it with organic milk (no added chemicals etc). Guess what, his anger is almost gone. He's been on this diet for about 1.5 yrs now. LIMIT his addded sugar intake, because his body my process it differently than a normal child - this was a big factor. When my ds has sugar, even if it's at school, I can tell immediately - the mood swings and anger come back. No sodas, kool-aide ... only water, tea (limited) and juice. No canned foods, only frozen or fresh. Ammmm, Organic 2% milk. Oh and NO beef ... only turkey, chicken, pork chops. Finally daily vitamins, not flinestones etc they have too much sugars ... I get Gummy Bears. They should be in the organic section of your local grocery store, if not, you can order them on-line.

Yes, I send my ds his lunch to school. No, you can't control everything they do when they are away from home, so you just have a plan for when the have an oops. Like orange juice isn't allowed unless my ds needs to "detox". OJ is a natural "cleaning agent".

Give him about two weeks to "detox" - two glasses of OJ a day ... plus making the above changes. See what happens. It took about a good solid month before I noticed a marked difference.

This should help with a lot of issues that present in children like ours. The only things I want to stress ... anger, while can be taught, is a BEHAVIORAL issue. Behavioral issues cannot be treated with medication. Only their symptoms are masked by meds ... ADHD is not behavioral- therefore it can be treated with meds. Try the diet, maybe seek one on one counciling and joint counciling ... I would do anything for my son. Yes, eating this way can be expensive, Dr. cost $$ ... but I would gladly turn off my cable bill to help my ds live meds free and happily in his own skin. Your son IS NOT HAPPY ... you are taking the first step!

I'm not saying this will work for you, but I am saying it's worth a try - right?

GL dear ...

My son has the same problems with anger. We did not want to put him on meds but were nearly at the end of our rope! I found some research that suggested a change in diet may help. He started him on what is called The Feingold Diet. It removes all artificial colors, flavors and preservatives from their diet. It has been AMAZING! It' like we have a new little boy. We have been on it for 2 months now and although he can still have problems every now and then, its much more "normal" now. He doesn't get crazy angry like he used to.

Anyway, it has helped us so much! I suggest that you look into it and see what happens. Their website if Feingold.org anf there is a yahoo group too.

A.

I also have dealt with anger with my son, whose personality is so much like mine, that we've clashed in the past. I read many books, and tried many things, but the best help was a book called "The Five Love Languages". It's a book geared toward married couples, but it breaks down the different "love languages" people have, and you can apply it to your children. Even though my son's & my temperaments were similar, our love languages are very different. I didn't realize that some of my reactions to him, and esp to his anger, were only aggravating the problems. Once I turned myself around, finding out what he needed from me, the anger was much more manageable and occurred less often. For example, his love language is quality time. Mine is verbal. So it didn't seem to me that I was hurting him by walking away to take a break when we got upset with each other. But for a quality time person, leaving in anger can actually make that person feel unloved - even if I verbalized my love, he didn't feel it when I'd walk away. Feeling unloved made him angry, he lashed out, I reacted, and the problems escalated. Now I make myself calm down, stay with him, and talk calmly. I know every relationship is different, but putting time into learning those differences and how to relate better, is so worth it. Just those simple steps for us, has made a world of difference.

Good luck and God bless.

M. B

L., to piggy back on some of your other responses, there is a book by D. Ross Campbell, MD called "How to Really Love Your Angry Child." I have not read this book but I have read "How to Really Love Your Child" and it teaches a lot about childrens emotional tanks and how they react when their tank is not full. I have heard great reviews on "The 5 Love Languages for Children." I have two other books that I am trying to finish now then I will read that one. Best of luck to you. J.

Well i havent had that experience. But i have been told that kids do that for attention. One thing u can try is to take all his privlages away, no tv, etc. Make him realize that u are not gonna put up with it and when he throws a fit tell him that he will stay in his room until he stops. Also after that you can go explain to him that by doing that he is not going to get his way.

I have an 8 year old son with ADHD and am also an Occupational Therapist. I have had many patient's with the same issues you are having with your son. We found that with my son he had some sensory integration problems that were linked directly to his behavior. You should consider having him evaluated by a pediatric OT and the suggestion about changing his diet is great. I have found that when my son eats snacks such as Goldfish, or any with that dye in it-it makes him act up. Also make sure he is receiving enough sleep at night and during the day. You would be suprised to learn how much sleep has an effect on behvaior!!!

Have you had him tested for Bipolar disorder?

Try putting him in some type of Organized Sports.

Have you considered taking him to see a psychiatrist?

There are lots of other disorders besides ADHD that can cause behavioral problems. The good news is, if you can catch it early, then there seems to be a good chance of moving out of it. I have heard of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and others.

Wow I believe you have a very active baby there. Have you tried decipline? Cause I know us mothers do not like to be mean but you need to stand your ground. Everytime he acts up take away what he likes and talk to him and hug him and kiss him. Tell him to talk to you. Ask him what makes him angry. But nicely and comfortably. Love him and tell him! Talk talk talk

Hi-I have the same problem with my 7 year old. I really don't know what to do. A lot of times I just have to walk away and let her calm down because there is just no way I can talk to her. She destroys my home, and is very verbally abusive. Many times I have had to go away to cry. I don't have any advice but just letting you know you aren't alone. Many nights I just want to run away.

L.,
I can relate.. My son is already 3 1/2 and already we see problems with his behavior.. We raise him right, we reprimand him when he does something wrong, time outs, even spankings if it calls for it.. but nothing seems to phase him..
We did the rewards system where if he was good for a certian amount of time he got rewards.. We were at our last limb with him..and he's only 3 and we felt like such failures.. there is hope.. and i'll personally email you so we can talk

Is your husband in the picture? Does he spend time with your son? My husband has actually had anger issues and I was scared my 4 year old son would be the same, but he's actually pretty happy and I think it's because he has so many relatives and friends giving him all sorts of love and attention. If I start paying more attention to the housework than my kids, then my son can start to become angry and throw tantrums. The more attention we give our kids, the happier and more well behaved they act.

I would suggest starting with his diet. Try eliminating refined sugars, red dye and caffeine. It does wonders for you and him--my daughter is a holy terror when she has any of the above.

Make whole grain muffins and cakes and use splenda instead of sugar in everything, switch all drinks to water, milk or lemonade(crystal light or kool aid--just so long as it has no red dye).

You might also try a discipline system called "Smart Discipline"

hope things get better.

L.,
My nephew had the same problem and my sis-in-law took him to see a child psychologist at the university (in Lubbock). He was able to get a handle on his anger and is a wonderful child now.......no meds or anything like that........just taught him how to rechannel his anger and get a hold of himself.
Where are you going to college? They might have a child psych program that you have access to........??
I'll try to get a hold of my sis in law and get you hooked up with her. She is very helpful.........let me know if you would like that.
Take care,
T. T.

I have the same child hun. he is 5 now and in kindergarten and the anger is not as prominant but he acts out. After seeing a counselor when he was 4 I realized some of the problem was with me... I am very lenient with him, I do not stick to my guns when punishing him... I give him chance after chance, because I do not want to focus on the negative. someone said it right, clean out his roon, no TV toys, nothing but bed dresser.clothes. he will have to earn back his privilidges. I thought it harsh at first but trust me it works, and if he regresses on a day, take away something he earned back. My son does not believe there are consequenses to his actions, nothing seems to matter to him, but now when he gets home from school, if he does not get a "good " behavior report, he will not get TV, video games, computer time. he values these!! find the one thing that your son cares about, and teach him consequenses. My son's teacher is trying to have him diagnosed ADHD, I refuse I know he is not :D good luck, send me messages anytime if you need support I know how frustrating it could be.

Hi L.,

I am writing in part to let you know that your child has rights in school especially if he has been diagnosed with a disability. The school can perform testing as well. I can give you more information on this if you would like to email me at ____@____.com

L.,
I am not sure if your husband is your son's father and if not is his father around much. I have a 10 year old that started having anger problems at around 7 or 8. She has ADHD and I had always thought it was part of that. I started her in counseling around 8 and that is when I found out that she has an attachment disorder. My husband has been in our lives since she was 3, but she knows that he is not her biological father. He is her daddy in other way. We have recently located her biological father and they have started talking to each other and building a relationship with each other and it seems to help. Good luck I know how hard it is to deal with an angry child.
A.

There is a 5 Love Languages for Children. Also before you take him to a psychiatrist, consider working with a behavior specialist. I don't know where you live but if you live near Houston I can give you an excellent referral. Email me privately if you are interested. Ours has changed our lives.
C.